resentment over ultimatum

[whiningshinji]

Many years ago my wife gave me an ultimatum around having a third child. I adamantly didn't want a third, but to spare my other two children a broken home I acquiesced.

All the things I knew would happen happened. I got locked into a high pressure,high paying job I hated to cover heightened costs, free time totally evaporated and the friends I did have soon drifted due to me going from work to home and back again and never seeing anyone! My hobbies, modest though they were all withered due to lack of time/funds. My wife maintained some of her social contact and hobbies once all children were into school(less full on job with better annual leave - mine unsurprisingly was stingy and was absorbed by school holiday coverage)

The resentment I felt towards my wife over this never went away. Our third child is now approaching adulthood and all I can think about is leaving.

I got dragged to yet another (tiresome) couples thing by my wife. I normally don't drink, but I had a couple this time. We were talking to some people who were talking about how hard the baby and toddler years were and how they stopped at one, saying to us and another couple how did we manage three. I said it was a very hard slog - my wife chipped in by saying that we wouldn't change a thing.

Apparently at this point I scowled and muttered that I would. I wasn't even aware of doing this! Either way my wife is now getting an inkling that my mindset hasn't been changed by the years. He attitude has wrongly always been she was right and that I fell into line in the end and was content.

Now suddenly she is encouraging me to meet up with friends (who I haven't spoken to in 15 years) and mentioning finding a club for one of my old hobbies.
Bit late!

I am 80% sure I will leave, but this has thrown things because I was hoping to quietly arrange things and then cut the cord. I certainly wouldn't fight on the house or forking over half savings, the house is paid off and she can have it! Well worth it to break free of her.

I don't know what to do, I just feel the resentment has totally eaten away any affection I had over the years.

Good luck op, but please don't just over ĥand over the house. Everything should be 50/50 and that includes yours and HER pension if she has one.

You think that suggesting a fair split of assets means I/she wants you to suffer?! Another example of your victim mentality!

So does he, don´t you think?

He and she have been bringing up this kid and supporting this lifestyle FOR the last 17 years, it isn´t something that happened 1 minute 17 years ago. My daughter is nearly 7, she is still an ongoing project.
OP I think you would do well to consider counselling for yourself, if it doesn´t work just separate.

I’m not quite sure what you are after from this thread. You seem to have decided you no longer love your wife and want to leave. That’s your right and TBH neither right nor wrong, but this isn’t really the right website for men to get emotional support during a divorce.

I would say that your wife appears to have been somewhat oblivious to your feelings. There’s no undoing that and I do want to get into the communication faults, but she does seem open to trying to fix the balance going forward. Is that something you would consider or is it just too late for any feelings from your side?

Also, while you may not have wanted the third you do have three children and you need to think about what is best for them. You don’t say how old they are, If they are now adult that changes things but if they are still minors you have a responsibility to them regardless of your relationship with their mother, and it may be that leaving doesn’t actually gain you a huge amount more free time.

If you come across to your soon to be ex wife as passive and martyred as your post here, I can understand why she finds it annoying.

She decided a 3rd child was a dealbreaker for her - enough to divorce over. You decided it wasn’t, so you had a third child.

Rather than be all in with the decision you made, you’ve festered for 17 years. You resent and blame your wife for the path you chose.

It’s probably a good thing that you go you separate ways and find ways of being happy without each other.

It's massively unfair to be blaming your wife for this. Take some responsibility. If you didn't want a third child you shouldn't have had one. This is on you.