resentment over ultimatum

[whiningshinji]

Many years ago my wife gave me an ultimatum around having a third child. I adamantly didn't want a third, but to spare my other two children a broken home I acquiesced.

All the things I knew would happen happened. I got locked into a high pressure,high paying job I hated to cover heightened costs, free time totally evaporated and the friends I did have soon drifted due to me going from work to home and back again and never seeing anyone! My hobbies, modest though they were all withered due to lack of time/funds. My wife maintained some of her social contact and hobbies once all children were into school(less full on job with better annual leave - mine unsurprisingly was stingy and was absorbed by school holiday coverage)

The resentment I felt towards my wife over this never went away. Our third child is now approaching adulthood and all I can think about is leaving.

I got dragged to yet another (tiresome) couples thing by my wife. I normally don't drink, but I had a couple this time. We were talking to some people who were talking about how hard the baby and toddler years were and how they stopped at one, saying to us and another couple how did we manage three. I said it was a very hard slog - my wife chipped in by saying that we wouldn't change a thing.

Apparently at this point I scowled and muttered that I would. I wasn't even aware of doing this! Either way my wife is now getting an inkling that my mindset hasn't been changed by the years. He attitude has wrongly always been she was right and that I fell into line in the end and was content.

Now suddenly she is encouraging me to meet up with friends (who I haven't spoken to in 15 years) and mentioning finding a club for one of my old hobbies.
Bit late!

I am 80% sure I will leave, but this has thrown things because I was hoping to quietly arrange things and then cut the cord. I certainly wouldn't fight on the house or forking over half savings, the house is paid off and she can have it! Well worth it to break free of her.

I don't know what to do, I just feel the resentment has totally eaten away any affection I had over the years.

I would also add that the element of her behaviour I find abominable is that even though she was the one prepared to split up the family, she engineered the situation so that he felt it would have been his choice. I don't think he should have agreed, but given that he did, I don't blame him for feeling resentment.

Wow, that’s a really nasty post.

But do you know what, even if you’re fully right and she is a fully self-actualised powerhouse and he is a spineless jellyfish who has stewed on this for 17 years, so what?

He now doesn’t owe her the veto on what happens/the narrative/how this is presented to the kids.

I think when people are hypocrites when it comes to “do as you would be done by?” then all bets are off, and I wonder if that is where some of his resentment comes from.

I have said previously that the “Oh we wouldn’t change a thing” is the statement that would make me feel extremely upset. And I would be very blunt about that, and I absolutely wouldn’t be prepared to be brushed off with it being an off hand remark “For how long have you presumed to speak on my behalf, to the point it’s second nature?”.

OP's wife has only one life to live, and no, she wasn't prepared to sacrifice what she dearly wanted for how OP wanted to live his life or how he thought she should live her life.
That’s a two way street though, which is why you getting your knickers in a twist about him wanting to live his life as he sees fit shows you up as a grade A hypocrite. Really, by your Script yardstick, fucking whoever he wants, because it suits, and keeping schtum, because it suits, should not be a problem? Why if he also only has one life, is The Script an issue at all?

Some very good points there. The post you're responding to was so mental I didn't even know where to start.

This is a good point.

I also think that it isn't always bad for a man to compromise by having another child, as they don't carry the physical risks. Marriage demands compromise. I'm kind of feeling that OP's resentment partly stems from her unwillingness to compromise in return on lifestyle.

I have a lot of sympathy for OP because my parents split a "good enough" relationship for comparable "self fulfillment" reasons. It really wasn't good for the kids involved.

I don't mean full blown coercion, so perhaps I shouldn't use that term. More of a lack of normal give-and-take?

I hear what you all are saying. I shouldn't have called you himpathizers, you are all likely kindly and sympathetic people. By doing that, I did detract from my main point, which is that OP is not a victim, and worse, he really does not sound like he's being honest with us and more importantly himself.

I think he should probably leave his wife, I have said this from the beginning. Script or not. He sounds miserable. Maybe leaving will be the stimulus for a better life for him. Or maybe he will gain perspective and realize that he actually had a rather good set-up with his wife and wasted 2 decades of his life feeling resentful for his own choices/character.

I've also said that he should get therapy before he leaves. Leaving might be something he will really regret. The fact that he is willing to impoverish himself to leave his wife sounds like he's not thinking straight.

A little salutary tale that may explain my interest in this thread: a while back, my cousin-in-law left my cousin. Both in their 50s. CIL was angry about a trans-continental move for cousin's studies 20 years previously, he said it wrecked his own career and his life. Even though they came back 5 years later, he had apparently quietly resented her for it ever since. When he left, he brought up every time things didn't go well with his work. Everything that had gone wrong in his life was my cousin's fault. It was the Script, he had "fallen in love" with a 20-years junior sports friend. So he left my cousin, who is a hardworking caring woman. He raged at her throughout the divorce. Neither of them came out of it well financially. He said vile things about and to cousin. The adult kids struggled with their father's behaviour, the youngest in particular, who started spouting manosphere stuff at his mother before his siblings pulled him up. It was a mess, and the families on both sides were shaken.

A year later, the relationship with young gf collapsed. CIL started sending cousin long regretful texts and emails, that he sees now how he was blinded by his ego, that she did nothing wrong. She recently kindly told him that she would never take him back - she could not forget the cruel things he said to her - and she wished him well. Now CIL is wretched, financially diminished, kicking himself, and the kids and his family are concerned for his mental health.

How OP here has talked about his wife, the hammering on a long-ago event, his desperation to leave his wife no matter what it costs him financially, and above all his towering self-pity - that was my CIL 4 years ago.

OP, get therapy. Reflect before you do something you'll regret.

@CheekyHobson I was married to someone called cillian Murphy, that's why I'm the original, it just wasn't the cillian you're thinking of 😘

Exactly. Did you expect your wife to say at a dinner party, "Well actually I wish we'd never had third child, we could have had a more comfortable life."

Maybe she said she wouldn't change a thing because she actually loves your youngest child to bits, and sees them as an essential part of your family together.

Yet by letting people know she loves and values her youngest... this has apparently set fire to your long lasting resentment.

You blame her for everything that's wrong with your life. Yet you are responsible for your own choices. Having an extra child doesn't mean the end of socialising or anything else.

I feel very sorry for them. It can't have been much fun dealing with a person who is seething with such a high degree of resentment and in particular for your youngest when you are so resentful about their very existence to the extent that you cannot stand to hear your wife say she's very glad she had them.

Did I miss the bit where OP stated he wanted to break up with his wife because she wasn't brutally honest about his feelings at the dinner party? Or did you just not read the OP properly?

(Hint: It's the latter.)

Hint. I did read it.

So you're just making shit up. That's pretty shitty.

I'm not making anything up

Don't give her the house.

I think what he might reasonably expect from her is
(a) to not presume to speak on his behalf
(b) to not use loving your children as a human shield for any behaviour.
(c) to have a think about all that is being covered in that glib little remark such as:

1. the implication of making the threat to break up the marriage if she didn’t get her own way
2. the financial stress she caused
3. the stress of him working long hours
4. and all the rest.

The difference between We (used when I is correct) wouldn’t change a thing, and “By god it was hard at times, but I think it was worth it” shows the difference.

She might not have meant it “like that”, but perhaps she can now learn to be careful about her word. Which begs the question what did she mean, and why did she not actually say what she meant?

Your reading comprehension is so poor you have apparently totally missed the narrative and made up your own.

Specifically, the bit about the wife’s comment that they wouldn’t change a thing at the dinner party being some sort of catalyst, igniting his resentment. But OP was VERY clear this resentment has been burning for years, fueling a plan to leave when the children were older. So that was just made up shit on your part.

Also, the resentment isn’t resentment of the children, it’s resentment of his wife. OP loved his children enough not to break up their family when they were young to pursue a selfish desire, unlike his wife.

You say she gave you the ultimatum but had she backed down and not had the third child she wanted it could possibly have been her feeling the way you are now! She could have harboured feelings of resentment towards you for the way her life is! I don’t see that there was any easy way out of that situation for either of you! You should split fairly and move on with your life.

Your cautionary tale makes sense.

I understand the term "the script" a little differently. Personally, I would see the script as a couple being pretty happy, then there's a new woman on scene, and only then the history gets rewritten.

In OP's case, I think there's two possibilities.

The first is that it's similar to the story you gave. A reasonable sacrifice is made in a relationship, and one partner continues to hold a grudge. In this situation, yes, OP just needs to move on. What's done is indeed done.

It is also possible that there is a longstanding pattern of OP's wife always getting her way. A lack of balance in the relationship.

The counselling is a good idea, partly to figure out which scenario is true.

Very similar with my BIL, left wife and 2 DC, Had another relationship and child (unplanned).

He is now lonely, middle aged, renting alone, very bitter with no awareness of how he has created his own current circumstances. PILs do a good job of villifying the mothers of his DC and are not helping with him improving his situation.

I ducked out of this thread as it started going in circles.

I have expressed desire to split to my wife and have begun exploring the process. I have also started attending therapy which is useful.

My wife said to me that she knew I had been unhappy for a long time, but not THAT unhappy! She still stands by the ultimatum, so guess it was just incompatibility. A real shame as our marriage up to that point was really strong (which she agreed with).

Luckily, I should have enough after a split to get myself a small place with a tiny mortgage and to hand over the property without any bother. Not sure if wife will come after my pension, if she does she can have a chunk. I think my lack of fighting over financials infuriates her, not sure why.

Final point - no script here - there is no other woman. I have no desire to find another woman. Why is it assumed I am off to go get entangled with another woman?

Sounds like you are moving forward positively.
Get the snip if you haven't already.
It will take any possibility of confusion out of your future on that score.
Wishing you well.

It’s assumed you’ll find another woman quickly because men leaving busy and comfortable family homes often find the move into a small, quiet property where they lack love and warmth quite the shock and end up finding and moving in with a new woman quickly.

Most of us here with our own nice set ups are used to how “attractive” we are to these men.

OP I hope you and your family go on to find happiness again.

I hope you get legal advice on the financials. You can insist on what you want to do but it will make sure it's fair for you all

Presumably she will get legal advice for a fair financial split? If that involves splitting up the pension accrued during your marriage or the marital home then that is the right thing to do obviously 😂 surely you don’t need mumsnet to tell you that!!

No I don't, not sure if this is a desire to see me torn apart financially but as I stated I'll hand over whatever I am told to - I have enough that even an uneven split will leave me ample to get by on. I feel no desperate need to hang onto assets - I would rather hand them over and be done with it.

My wife had a similar attitude, that I could be hurt via financial means and was annoyed that I was so ambivalent about it. Feels like you may hold a similar view?

Luckily, I should have enough after a split to get myself a small place with a tiny mortgage and to hand over the property without any bother. Not sure if wife will come after my pension, if she does she can have a chunk. I think my lack of fighting over financials infuriates her, not sure why.

It's probably annoying that you're casting yourself as the wronged saint who'll simply pay her off to escape the marriage.

I think you should go for a fair split, not one where you're martyring yourself.

Your dc would probably rather not have to worry about either of you financially as you get older.

It's also worth considering that if either of you remarry, that may affect the dc's potential inheritance if that's important to you. If you want them to have the benefit of the assets you've acquired as a couple over the years, you taking your proper share may help safeguard that.