resentment over ultimatum

[whiningshinji]

Many years ago my wife gave me an ultimatum around having a third child. I adamantly didn't want a third, but to spare my other two children a broken home I acquiesced.

All the things I knew would happen happened. I got locked into a high pressure,high paying job I hated to cover heightened costs, free time totally evaporated and the friends I did have soon drifted due to me going from work to home and back again and never seeing anyone! My hobbies, modest though they were all withered due to lack of time/funds. My wife maintained some of her social contact and hobbies once all children were into school(less full on job with better annual leave - mine unsurprisingly was stingy and was absorbed by school holiday coverage)

The resentment I felt towards my wife over this never went away. Our third child is now approaching adulthood and all I can think about is leaving.

I got dragged to yet another (tiresome) couples thing by my wife. I normally don't drink, but I had a couple this time. We were talking to some people who were talking about how hard the baby and toddler years were and how they stopped at one, saying to us and another couple how did we manage three. I said it was a very hard slog - my wife chipped in by saying that we wouldn't change a thing.

Apparently at this point I scowled and muttered that I would. I wasn't even aware of doing this! Either way my wife is now getting an inkling that my mindset hasn't been changed by the years. He attitude has wrongly always been she was right and that I fell into line in the end and was content.

Now suddenly she is encouraging me to meet up with friends (who I haven't spoken to in 15 years) and mentioning finding a club for one of my old hobbies.
Bit late!

I am 80% sure I will leave, but this has thrown things because I was hoping to quietly arrange things and then cut the cord. I certainly wouldn't fight on the house or forking over half savings, the house is paid off and she can have it! Well worth it to break free of her.

I don't know what to do, I just feel the resentment has totally eaten away any affection I had over the years.

It's a fair question.

I know of an electrician who's wife had an affair. He ended up having to move out and she stayed with the kids. Her lover moved in and the ex husband ended up in a bedsit, a very dire financial situation and very limited access to his children.

As you can imagine, he was very bitter about the situation.

I can only assume that the people you know had amicable agreements rather than court ordered.

I can only assume that the people you know had amicable agreements rather than court ordered.

@ThisOldThang no, certainly not all

You need to end things.

This will not get any better and you’re just going to get more resentful as you get older and realise how much life you’ve wasted.

Your wife has been happy.
Your kids are now older.
It’s time to put yourself first and find your happiness too.

You can be a great father without needing to be with the mother.

Wow this has really grown! I'll try and address what I can

I didn't expect an impartial commentary - as pp have said it's a womens site so get that. I just needed to vent.

On the ultimatum not being bad - so, my wife says that because of her desire for a hypothetical third child, either i get her pregnant or she will leave the marriage. I could have taken that on the chin (unhappily so) but she was ready to totally alter the lives of our two existing preschool children for that desire. Yes I had the right to choose in the way that if a mugger says give me your wallet or I stab you have the right to choose. I have made horrible choices before, but to have the woman I loved state she would blow up our children's lives out of her own desire for something?? I made my choice knowing it was for the children not me.

This thread has got me thinking and deep down I think that's it, she changed in my eyes in that moment.

As for being passive - yes I agree the second half I was far too passive. For a good decade I was speaking up though. But like a pp said - what do you say? The attitude given here was the one my wife had - well they are here now and you need to get on with it. Not once did she take any culpability for that ultimatum and I did tackle her on it - again her view was well it all worked out and I knew you would love them once they are here so just get over it.

I couldn't speak to family, friends or anyone on it really because of the instant assumptions which again are reflected here "do you resent your child?"

On the job, unsurprisingly we needed a bigger house. Then on top of that it's a few years of childcare. Then holidays overseas, tutors, activities, new cars (her not me, I was happy with a 2nd hand cheapie). Anyone who thinks lifestyles don't have a habit of expanding to fill wages is being naive.

Socialising wise yeah again after the first decade bang to rights. Until then though, trying to go out on a Saturday/Sunday day or evening would elicit the response of the kids haven't seen you all week/I want to spend some quality time with you (I am not some sort of booze monster either, this was trying to meet friends for a film, play a boardgame etc)

There is some truth in what has been said and I do take it on board. My initial post was a rant and I should have given a few more details. I accept what I have done isn't healthy and that certainly once the third hit secondary I could have got a lot more proactive in making change. Maybe therapy is the way and I will look into it, at the moment all I can think is that my wife will turn on me and the children if she wants something enough and that she feels justified in doing so - I can see this isn't healthy.

You sound like you don't love your third child. You sounds like you would trade them for your hobbies. Very weird, imo. If you do split, please never tell your children why. The stress/guilt on your third child would be immense.

But staying together for your young children is a bullshit excuse IMO. You are going to leave your wife. There was nothing stopping you from being a good dad and coparenting beautifully while also fulfilling your personal desires. Staying together for the kids does more damage to your children. Especially when they grow up with parents who are resentful of their existence.

Your wife had a fundamental desire for another child. You didn’t. Your response is simply “I do not want that and if you need to leave to make that happen I understand, but that is YOUR choice to leave as I am clearly not the right man for you”

Something you have now finally learned.

Just divorce and have a vasectomy. You've had two decades of despising your wife for an active choice you made, time to start enjoying life.

My eyebrows raised when you said the kids were all at school, my jaw DROPPED when you said 'approaching adulthood'.
You cannot be blaming your collective decision to have a third child on you not having any mates 18 years later. Yes it's hard, but it's hard when you've got one or two kids and a less stressful job. You could have changed so much in this time but you've decided to be a victim and blame your wife instead.
I massively disagree with her giving you an ultimatum, so I do understand that you got pulled into it and would be bitter about that initially, but it also wasn't the writing of your exact destiny for the next 20+ years. That's on you.

"On the ultimatum not being bad - so, my wife says that because of her desire for a hypothetical third child, either i get her pregnant or she will leave the marriage."

Women and men make that decision every day when they are not on the same page about having a child. You seem to hold a great deal of resentment for a choice YOU made.

Op, I think you're being unfairly dragged here. You've stayed the course, kept the family together, no need to stay any longer. Your wife is an adult. Don't turn a difficult choice into a lifelong regret. Take control of your life and your choices. Let other people be disappointed.

If you want a divorce then get a divorce, however don’t make it all about the fact that you were “forced” into having a child you didn’t want.

I can not see how a third child would have been significantly different to having stuck at two children if they are fairly close in age. How did the third child suddenly mean that you had to work ridiculous hours, have no social life, lose friends etc - this sounds like your own doing and you are using the third child as an excuse.

Your third child is now approaching adulthood and you have not been able to do anything before now to get your social life and hobbies back on track? This just doesn’t add up at all.

You also had a choice. You could have said no - and given your wife the ultimatum - would she really have broken the family up and gone on to find someone else to have a third child with? Possibly but I doubt it.

You sound like you are unhappy with where your life is at the moment and it is easier to blame someone else (I.e your wife) than accept some responsibility for yourself.

I think its him that deserves some happiness,
But its MN and hes a man so hes going to be wrong no matter what.
If this was a woman comments would be a lot different.

Set yourself free, I don't think you will ever get over your resentment, it will take years of counselling and by then you'll be nearing 60.

The children are of an age where you don't need to be living in the family home.

Get some happiness back in your life and leave.

This.

When a woman comes on here and says that she can't get any time off over weekends etc because her H won't look after the children, I get frustrated too. There really is no reason why a person can't have their own time off. So either your wife was terribly controlling, in which case divorce is an even better idea, or you are ridiculously passive. It's very very hard to tell from your posts, and I'd say it could go either way.

Neither DH nor I have hectically busy social lives, but it's really not htat hard for one of us to get out for an evening with friends once a week or so, either after work on on the weekend. I mean, unless you'er working until 10pm every night, you couldn't meet up with a mate for a beer on a Thursday after work? Or play footie with the boys on a Wednesday? Really?

The odd weekend day thing is fine too - just usually it's more of a logistics thing to figure out who will take DC1 to activity A whiel DC2 is at activity B. But again, as the're geting older that's easier as they'r emore independent - can be dropped of early or picked up late, take a bus, ask a friend etc.

the thing about ultimatums is they work two ways. you were implicitly giving her the ultimatum that staying with you meant no more children.

Not having the same plans for children can be a terribly destructive force. I feel sorry for you, for her, and for your children.

Personally I would be trying very hard to find a way to make the 20% chance you won't leave work. I would talk to her. Get it all out there. Try to figure out what happiness would look like for you, if you stay. there must be ways to do all the things you still want to do. You might never get over your resentment but will you truly be happier separated? will your children?

I agree.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

If the kids were younger then it’s different but as they are older there is nothing stopping you from wanting more.

It is not selfish to want to be happy.

With you on that @offmynut

Difference between 2 and 3 children- car. The size of the car and ability to fit 3 car seats and 2 adults. More expensive than 2 adults and 2 children.

Housing- bedrooms. Different sexes so need to be separated at some point. Bigger houses are more expensive.

Childcare- childcare for early years for one child before it is entitled to preschool funded hours £££’s

Somebody had to finance it and it wasn’t @whiningshinji DW. Yes she contributed but her being fixated on 3rd child and OP going along with it caused the situation.

What choice he had? Call her bluff?

It’s difficult to have social life when you’re working all hours and weekends are family time.

OP hasn’t stated he resents the child. He resents the wife.

He needs to move on preferably with counselling to accept the past and embrace the future.
If his wife past decision is causing him so much resentment that it killed the relationship then he should split,divorce and start living his life.

Under no circumstances he should say to anybody (bar the therapist)that he resents the decision his wife made about having 3rd child.

@whiningshinji start making decisions about your life. Nobody can force you to attend the gatherings you don’t want to. Get some counselling,deal with your feelings and move on. Stop being passive. All the best for the future 💐

Ordinarily if one parent doesn't want another child that's what is recommended. Not wanting another child doesn't mean you don't love that child when it comes along and OP hasn't said he resents the child at all, he has said he resents his wife for her ultimatum, that's understandable. Ultimatums often blow up at some point it rarely improves anything.

The OP could have accepted divorce, meaning both parents chose to further impoverish the family but he didn't feel that was the right thing to do. instead he chose to be there for a family. It may or may not have been the right choice for OP but how often on here to we see a man bugger off and resent providing for his children at the drop of a hat? Staying to keep a family together isn't easy on anyone neither is leaving, it's a rock and a hard place decision.

When we live in circumstances we didn't want over years of course resentment builds up. It's normal and human to feel hard done by, it's allowed. It's also allowed to regret one decision, it doesn't mean he doesn't love all the children. Unlike some on MN not everyone makes excellent choices and lives in perfection.

I feel for you all in this situation, it can't be easy.

This is all really sad.

If you resent your wife and want to leave then you should do that. You get one life and no one should be in a marriage they don't want to be in.

It feels like you want it to be known that it's all her fault though. If she felt strongly enough that she would leave unless you had a 3rd DC then what else was she supposed to do?

TBH I would have left at that point if my partner told me a hypothetical unborn child was more important that the marriage but you didn't. You had a hard decision to make and you made it but YOU did make it.

The bit I don't get is how you've been living a life you resent for 18-odd years? How did that happen? People bring up kids on hardly any money and manage without a bigger house and an expensive car and holidays so if all that was making you miserable why did you not manage to communicate that? You seem to want all of that to be her fault too?

@CheekyHobson what a load of nonsense. Are you the wife

Only he really doesn't though. He hates the fact that having a third child has resulted in his being stuck in a job he dislikes, and in a marriage where his spirit has seemingly being crushed.

It is entirely normal to love a destination but not the journey to get there.

I disagree that the wife had a right to give an ultimatum re the third child. Give her view, yes, discuss pros and cons, yes. But a marriage is a partnership and decisions should either be joint or at least approved by the partner.

Lots of people want more children and all sorts of circumstances get in the way of that. Difficulty conceiving, money worries, SEN children needing more parenting, death, age, relationship break up, caring responsibilities etc. None of these apparently apply here. She could have had counselling and got over her desire. Instead she said the marriage would be over. Of course, that's her perogative, but it doesn't sit well with me.

Honestly, if I were you I would have left long ago and I can completely understand why you resent your wife. I don't think this is something that can be fixed by you having some time for hobbies.