resentment over ultimatum

[whiningshinji]

Many years ago my wife gave me an ultimatum around having a third child. I adamantly didn't want a third, but to spare my other two children a broken home I acquiesced.

All the things I knew would happen happened. I got locked into a high pressure,high paying job I hated to cover heightened costs, free time totally evaporated and the friends I did have soon drifted due to me going from work to home and back again and never seeing anyone! My hobbies, modest though they were all withered due to lack of time/funds. My wife maintained some of her social contact and hobbies once all children were into school(less full on job with better annual leave - mine unsurprisingly was stingy and was absorbed by school holiday coverage)

The resentment I felt towards my wife over this never went away. Our third child is now approaching adulthood and all I can think about is leaving.

I got dragged to yet another (tiresome) couples thing by my wife. I normally don't drink, but I had a couple this time. We were talking to some people who were talking about how hard the baby and toddler years were and how they stopped at one, saying to us and another couple how did we manage three. I said it was a very hard slog - my wife chipped in by saying that we wouldn't change a thing.

Apparently at this point I scowled and muttered that I would. I wasn't even aware of doing this! Either way my wife is now getting an inkling that my mindset hasn't been changed by the years. He attitude has wrongly always been she was right and that I fell into line in the end and was content.

Now suddenly she is encouraging me to meet up with friends (who I haven't spoken to in 15 years) and mentioning finding a club for one of my old hobbies.
Bit late!

I am 80% sure I will leave, but this has thrown things because I was hoping to quietly arrange things and then cut the cord. I certainly wouldn't fight on the house or forking over half savings, the house is paid off and she can have it! Well worth it to break free of her.

I don't know what to do, I just feel the resentment has totally eaten away any affection I had over the years.

Ultimatums rarely end well, and this is a prime example of this.

it sounds like you’ve held onto the resentment for years now, and you’ve probably attached every negative experiences in your life to this one event.

Work is shit - I could leave if it wasn’t for out 3rd child
I don’t get to socialise much - I could if it wasn’t for our 3rd child
I can’t play golf on Sunday - 3rd child
Bigger house - 3rd child

in reality these things (and others) would like my have happened anyway, but because you've held onto the resentment it feels like all roads lean to this one single event.

It sounds like your DW is prepared to work on the relationship, so if it’s not gone past the point of no return for you, this could be the a turning point for you and your relationship. Sort couple therapy out and carve a new life for you and your DW. Or you leave and given both of you the opportunity to start again.

An ultimatum is not abuse unless it is an empty threat. Having a deal-breaker in a relationship is not abusive.

In this case, the OP clearly felt his wife was serious enough about ending the marriage (and presumably capable of meeting someone who would want a child with her) that he said he was okay with having a third child rather than lose his marriage.

Except he wasn’t okay with it. He became resentful and blaming when he made the choice to stay. That’s actually closer to abuse than an ultimatum.

You're excusing her abusive and controlling ultimatum because of her 'stress and pain' and turning her into the victim.

Can you really not see what bullshit that is?

I was drawing attention to how bonkers it would be if men were excused in that way.

You changed your post so it made sense eventually.

She’s not abusive. She told him she had come to the point where not having a third child was a dealbreaker for her. He chose the child over divorce and then sulked about it for 18 years. He probably should have chosen divorce then, as he should now.

Being faced with two suboptimal choices does not mean you are being abused. The wife was in exactly the same position as he was.

Sounds like there's more to it than the third child anyway. My husband has been the main breadwinner but luckily not having to work those kinds of hours. I would never have expected that of him. If he was working that hard and came to me saying he was struggling my response would NEVER have been along the lines of 'tough shit we need the money'. We'd have sat down together and discussed some kind of solution - me bringing in more money, downsizing or moving to cut our bills.

Even in the hard grind of 3 kids we always encouraged each other to keep up with friends and hobbies too.

It reads as if the op's needs have been ignored more widely than just over whether he wanted a 3rd child. Perhaps he could have spoken up and addressed it sooner but he hasn't and I can imagine over time that kind of stuff kills a marriage.

I'm not sure why this incident has thrown you leaving into doubt?

Would it only be satisfactory to you to completely blindside your wife and surprise her with a divorce ? Is it like a fantasy in your head of just a big fuck you gesture, a bit of a revenge scenario?

Why does her realising you might be planning to leave change anything?

She can't make you stay if you want to leave.

If you're this unhappy, then maybe bring forward your plans and divorce. Life is too short. You don't need to spend your life full of resentment and bitterness, it's bad for your own mental wellbeing.

Excellent post @jsku

personally I think they should divorce and both be happy. It sounds like he has so much anger internalised that he will carry that with him unless they do. How sad for the 3rd child that he raised 😔

Quietly organising things and then cutting the cord would be cruel. You’ve had a long time to come to terms with your marriage coming to an end and as much as you resent capitulating to your wife’s wish to have a third child and the toll that took on your life, to blindside her would be vengeful.

If you really have no regard for her feelings give some thought to how your actions now will impact your children and their opinion of you, particularly your third child. Depending on how you handle this it could be very easy for them to realise you never wanted them and that they are the reason you have been unhappy with your life. Even though they are adult, that is a lot to put on them because you didn’t stand your ground all those years ago

Well worth it to break free of her.

This sentiment is not compatible with staying in your marriage, regardless of what’s caused you to feel this way. To have such a deep seated dislike of your life partner is no way to live for either of you.

What’s bizarre, as others have pointed out, is that you’ve never communicated your unhappiness over years and years, to the extent that your wife appears completely oblivious. You probably do need to leave, but don’t underestimate what it a shock it will be to her - she’ll probably feel completely blindsided.

I hope you have a good and loving relationship with your third child. I know it’s the situation you felt forced into that you resent, but I really hope your feelings haven’t also transferred onto the child. It’s not his/her fault or problem that their very existence has caused the breakdown of their parent’s relationship, and nor should they ever have an inkling that that’s the case.

The ultimatum was wrong but the OP has to ownership for his own actions. You chose to have a third. You chose to allow friendships/hobbies to die. Yes toddlers are hard but your third born is now an adult. It sounds like you've been sulking for the last 18 years and are looking forward to blowing up the family. Stop being ridiculous. Leave if you want to but you can't blame everything bad in your life on this decision.

I think you need to take a bit more responsibility for your actions @whiningshinji . You made the choice to stay together and have a 3rd child.

The hard years with a child are so short, once your youngest gets to about 3, home life is times easier and you can really start to enjoy yourself.

Do you do much with your children now? Make the most of them, do some fun and interesting stuff together.

Sounds like the marriage has definitely run its course and it's time to leave. Don't delay, just rip the bandaid off and start again. Life is too short to be so unhappy. Counselling won't fix this, you are in the wrong relationship.

Your children are adults so you can forge a new independent relationship with them, especially the third child.

As much as it would be noble to just hand over assets, don't give everything up just to be free. Make sure you get a reasonable share as well. This may lessen your resentment in time and help you acknowledge what all the hard work was for.

Have you made a plan as to what the next phase of your life will look like? are there any aspirations you'd like to do? might be worth you thinking about how you want to live the rest of your life so you can start progressing towards a more positive frame of mind.

@whiningshinji definitely if you do leave her, get half of everything. You deserve to be happy. Don't give her the house. Try marriage therapy 1st. Maybe it will help.

I wonder if OP would have the same bashing if the roles were reversed 🤔

You have allowed resentment to ruin your marriage op.

you have been passive in your own life. You did not have to give up hobbies/friends.

even now you are being passive… you were going to leave but now your wife is being considerate ( I’m very little info btw… one small comment from you has caused this .. she sounds like she cares about your needs and is actively trying to help you)

you could go to therapy and see if you can address your passivity and resentment traits. They are immature emotional responses.

you will never be truly happy/content until you can take responsibility for your own actions.

leave if you want. Stay if you want. But it’s on you op!

I find it bizarre that someone would issue an ultimatum to break up an existing family for another child. It was wrong and a bit bonkers.

Other posters have commented on your passivity, harshly imo. When exactly, whilst raising a 3rd child, are you supposed to say you're resentful of the knock on effects. What would be the point of that anyway. Complaining about it wouldnt mean having to earn less money, nor would it magic up extra time, and you were never going to break the family up with dependents. So, I understand why you just got on with the job at hand.

I guess what I'm wondering is what is the problem you're having now? You say you've lost all affection over the years and you just think about leaving all the time. But now your wife is encouraging you to do more socialising...so you feel, bad? About possibly leaving? Because she's making efforts? And you feel you ought to give it a chance rather than want to?

You know you don't need to stay just because the other party wants you to right?

if i were you id find myself a decent therapist. There's a lot to unpick about expectation, duty, resentment?

There’s always one. Maybe we could get a function where on posts where the OP identifies himself as male, a bit automatically adds a first post saying “Ooh you won’t get the same responses as if you’d been a woman OP” so we can get it over with nice and early.

The poster has a point. I don't believe the OP has been sweetness and light over the last umpteen years.

He might want to line up his ducks before his wife gets there first.

Can imagine if you 'give your wife the house' the next story will be that you were done over there. Start advocating for what you want/what is fair. Also change the narrative- to be fair to your children and your wife just say 'I wasn't happy in the marriage, I am burnt out by working so hard for so long and I need some me time' or similar. Then make your break. I can't imagine how your third child will feel when they hear your long held resentments.

I wonder if you can find a thread where a woman is blaming her husband like the op?

it would be interesting to read the response and compare.

Quite possibly not but I don't see this as the big 'gotcha' that some do. The op has posted on a forum mainly used by women. Of course the perspective is going to be female. Do you think if a wife posted about her marriage problems in a predominantly male forum she'd get balanced replies?

Some of the replies here might not be very balanced but it doesn't mean they're not helpful. We could probably all agree that communication in the op's marriage is clearly shit. It's probably helpful for him to have the other perspective laid out.

I don’t think you can blame your wife for all of this. I know it’s hard to find time but I am sure you could have found time to see friends once every 4-6 weeks, that’s not going to have impacted the kids/your wife too much. Plus as the kids got older, they need you less & you can leave them so you can do more then. I think you are pinning a lot of your unhappiness on someone else but you should have taken some ownership of it. It is possible to have a busy job, kids, a relationship and some social life. I do think it’s too late now but don’t assume the grass is greener. You are going to need to rebuild your life to make you happier with or without your wife in the picture.

Before you leave, perhaps a course of therapy would help to work through your feelings?

There's always one of these posts as well.

You are as much of a cliché as well.

There are literally hundreds of them. Don't be disingenuous.

Get your ducks in a row quietly is literally a mantra on here.