Family Drama vs serious activity

[Staceysmum2025]

I will delete this account shortly just looking for thoughts.

My sibling married someone had two children and has tried to reinvent himself to a degree.
But there are skeletons in the cupboard like ever family all bit these are serious.

Does someone marrying into a family with 2 small children have the right to know she is sharing space with a convicted/ imprisoned child sex offender for example?

The person pleaded guilty. Served the sentence. Its now being rewritten as they just thought theyd plea bargain.
This was after paying £15,000 to the victim in 2002 - alot of money at the time to pay them off.
Doesn’t sound like a lack of guilt to me.

The information has been kept from the parents by the grandparents.

Well done for putting your head above the parapet OP. A family member of mine was SA’d as a kid and their parents didn’t believe them because of who they accused. It’s been so damaging. I hope your family finds peace. Keep fighting, those victims need you to be on their side. X

Hes a disgrace. Tell all and sundry. Why keep his dirty secret. Anyone who believes his lies and allows their kids around are insane. If your family fall out with you, so be it. Youre in the right op

Surely it would be easy for your brother to avoid the kids ever being around this man? Why is anyone in your family around him in the first place?

It's his aunt's husband. We spend a lot of time with my aunt's and uncles. I think that's a fairly normal thing for families to do. Which usually means you're then, at least some of the time, around their spouses.

Your guess is as good as mine.

Was your SIL pleased you told her? In her shoes I’d be furious my husband hadn’t told me and I’d be sticking up for you. You completely did the right thing. The fact your brother has allowed his own children to be around this man is shocking and very worrying.

I don't think the supporters of these criminals generally think the crimes are acceptable. I think they shut down part of their thinking that allows them to face up to the fact that their loved one actually did this heinous thing, and all that entails. It demonstrates the extremes of cognitive dissonance people can choose to exist in so as not have to act on difficult information. It's often close family members who can't face the idea that the person they love is capable of such unsavory things because it brings their own identity and family system crashing down around them (especially if its a marriage at stake).

It's horrifying to watch over something as serious as child abuse, where you'd hope the only people excusing it are the actual abusers themselves, but this head-in-sand-denial a very common human trait in a general sense.

OP, you did the right thing. I hope your brother at least will come to realise that it was actually a selfless and loving act on your part - you risked your own position in the family to make sure 2 children were not in danger.

How did the mum (your brother's wife?) react to you telling her? I think that's the most important thing here, is at least one parent going to be protecting these children? It puts her in an awful position because if they separate there won't be much she can do to stop your brother from leaving the children in your parents' care. Just the thought makes me sick.

I do think it's really difficult for people to wrap their minds around something like this. Everyone thinks they're a brilliant judge of character and don't like the idea that they could have been hoodwinked.

I also think it's a mental illness and you can't really turn your life around in any meaningful way, the urges are still there, they're probably just much better at hiding/masking.

I am sorry your wider family have decided to shoot the messenger and not protect the young. You did the right thing.

You did the right thing, no question.

I dont know.
She’s unfriended me on SM because as I said in the very unclear opening post they don’t want any family drama. That’s how this was described. Family drama.
Not criminal activity.
He’s minimising it, saying that the alleged victims a liar so what is she gonna believe?

Yes, but did YOU have the balls to inform the NHS and the employer of the clinical psychologist that these two monsters hid the paedophile truth from you, that the NHS and the other employer were harbouring monsters? And that these people should not be in those jobs?

My mother is in a relationship with a convicted sex offender (thst was back in the 1980s I believe, but convicted nonetheless)
He changed his name by deed poll to a vert common name for anonymity, but is still on the sex offenders register.
As the mother of a young child, I had the right be informed of this man's past, goven my mother's My relationship with him. Basically, in order to protect and safeguard my daughter.
My mother knows about his past and was given the choice to either tell me herself or I'd be informed by the police.

So, yes as a mother to young children, the parent does have the right to be informed of their proximity to a sex offender.

It’s interesting you say that because I don’t think my brother and his wife should be allowed to continue in their roles. If this is how they feel about victims who have secured a conviction against their paedophile attacker.
Clearly, their judgement is well off. And these are people who will be writing reports about other people’s children. And safeguarding them while they’re in care.
The mind boggles

I’ve seen briefly that you’ve said you can only do a Sarah’s law request if you have a birth certificate or red book - this is incorrect. I had to do a Sarah’s law request and the Police disclosed the information to me over the phone without me needing to sign a NDA which I’ve seen people refer to also and I did not need to prove the relationship between myself and the children, or the offender and the children. There was several serious convictions they disclosed too.

If your seriously worried I’d contact Childrens Services.

My rapist is only on the offenders register for 10 years with an 18 month sentence.

I’ve seen people convicted with offence images of children walk with a warning. System is an absolute travesty 99% of the time.

The mind boggles? But did you inform their employers? Or is it, I am alright, Jack, fuck the rest?

They've shot the messenger unfortunately, but that's not unusual.
You did absolutely the right thing telling her.
In her shoes i'd be seeking a divorce, asap. Your brother denying her the right to make an informed choice for her children re contact with this man is indefensible. I'd be beyond furious with him.

So are you suggesting that I phone up my brother and his wife’s employers?
And tell them what?
That they have allowed their children unknowingly to be in contact with a paedophile ?
I suppose it best they might get a bit of a talking to. But do you think they’ll actually take it on board? I don’t know.
They certainly aren’t going to get sacked for it are they? They’ve done actually nothing wrong as people.

OP having had similar occurences in my own marrital family I can tell you that people are fucking idiots when it comes to this sort of thing. Most people don't want to hear that there is a paedo in their family. They'd rather bury their heads in the sand even if it means putting kids at risk. Experiencing this vile behaviour first hand has made me realise that you need to be so so careful safeguarding your own kids and don't rely on anybody else to put them first.

FWIW you did the right thing telling the kid's parents. If they don't seem to be taking it seriously then I would talk to child safeguarding. Trust me they will want to know. This man shouldn't be having any contact with children whatsoever.

@Staceysmum2025 - "... The person pleaded guilty. Served the sentence. Its now being rewritten as they just thought theyd plea bargain.
This was after paying £15,000 to the victim in 2002 - alot of money at the time to pay them off.
Doesn’t sound like a lack of guilt to me... "

Sorry but it's not clear - do you have first hand knowledge of all this or do you only know what somebdy else has told you?

If you have first hand knowledge and know it is all true then you should tell her the facts. Or at the very least you should try to persuade your brother to tell her.

If you don't have first hand knowledge I'd tread more carefully. Criminal convictions should be a matter of public record so I think I'd want to check if what I'd been told was true.

Also - if you don't have first hand knowledge - the story that it was a plea bargain (what did he plead guilty to versus what he could have been charged with?) and also made a £15K pay off to the victim doesn't sound right to me.

But you know what you know. So if you know he was convicted tell her.

Not only would I be telling the parents of the children, I'd also be informing social services AND contacting whoever is responsible for the Sex Offender Register that the SO is acting in a dangerous manner around a family.

Yes, you'll piss people off. But you'll protect those children.

Firstly tell family you are out of it. Washing your hands of it. No drama.

Then,
You need an anonymous 3rd party to tell her that grandad was convicted sex crime ( do you have details of age of victim, was she/he a relative or a stranger). Details will be important. If it was a crime that went to court, the details about him should be public. Maybe send her the court documents anonymously. But sure u have a good alibi.

Then deny deny deny.

I’m really sorry you’ve been treated like this. How did you find out about the conviction and how much evidence do you have? Have you seen press coverage etc? If you have, could you forward it to them. Also I’m confused about the £15000, was this hush money to the victim?

You also need to let his employer the risks he's entertaining for these children if his employment involves protecting children / working with vulnerable children.

I can't believe anyone would take these risks.

@Staceysmum2025 you are 100% not the problem.

Sorry must have read it wrong - I thought they deliberately hid the truth, went out of their way to hide the truth about a paedo.