Really lovely man, but the sex is dreadful

[Flowerylight]

So, I'm early 50s, happily single a long time and tbh expected to stay that way. Then a new friendship blossomed into something else.

In many ways I can't believe my luck, he's kind, reliable, funny, intelligent, respectful, interesting, solvent and we share many interests at the same time as enjoying things seperately. He's 5 years younger.

He's very affectionate and really loves a cuddle, but he's not bothered about sex or kissing. I don't think I'm sex obsessed I'm certainly not up for anything exotic, but I do enjoy being intimate and was hoping for good sex a couple of times a week.

Initially even the kissing was disappointing, but I've "coached" him and that's much better now.

With sex, he's clearly inexperienced and nervous and initially had trouble maintaining an errection. Once this became apparent he got himself tablets quickly and they've made a big difference, but it's still really inadequate. He doesn't want to touch me intimately and takes ages to orgasm himself, often not at all.

I've tried to gently coach him and I can't get to the bottom of his reluctance at all. In every other aspect of life he wants to make me happy, but this seems really difficult for him. When I tell him it's a problem for me, he says he understands, he's trying and it is improving, which it is, but is it ever likely to improve "enough"?

I've tried asking what he likes and what I can do to help, but the only things he comes up with are variations on a cuddle.

Does it just need patience and practice or is it never likely to get good?

He says his last relationship was 6 years ago and these things were never an issue then, which he doesn't mean to be an insult to me, but feels like one!

Oh, gosh, life is too short for crap sex. He sounds like he has a serious issue with communication in general, and / or incredibly selfish.

Have you read the book “Want” curated by Gillian Anderson”? I’d suggest getting a copy, for yourself to enjoy if nothing else, and try and get him to read it too, and guess which is your favourite / what turns you on. Might be an easier way of sparking some conversations on the subject!

I totally agree OP. The fact is there are plenty of men far younger than 45 who would happily be with a woman of 50 & older. It was young men who invented the expression MILF & even GILF 😂Please don't think your age has anything to do with this issue. I hope you can both work things out together.

I could have written this OP! I made the decision to end things and move on… I wasn’t prepared to live the rest of my life being unsatisfied.. . I have no regrets making the decision I did.

You’re just not compatible. Send him my way. I’m virtually asexual too and he sounds dreamy.

Then a new friendship blossomed into something else.

It sounds like the something else withered quickly and it's back to being a friendship again. A loving, good friendship, but not the relationship partner for you. I think despite all the analysis of why he might be like this, the bottom line is this is who he is and always has been and will be. You can't coach him to be someone else. He's sexually incompatible with you and it won't change. In my early 50s, I wouldn't be happy to put up with this in a partner and it doesn't sound like you should either. There are plenty of women in their 50s on here who say they'd love to never have sex again and just cuddle. Those are the partners he needs and you need one who is a good man but also wants to shag you and can competently do so. That is not too much to ask but you won't find him whilst you're stuck in a frustrating cuddle with your nice friend here.

The amount of people making excuses for someone who’s not just shit in bed, but actively tries to avoid it.

I would imagine he is gay or asexual
and he’s “never had a problem before” because they didn’t have sex full stop or he’s lying.

Mild and gilf are about sex (only).

That's why the f stands for fuck..

However I don't think 5 years is much of an age gap at all in a relationship when both people are older and have had their kids or don't want kids.

What do you want?

My mouth is open reading this. I’m in my late 50s and currently having fabulous sex with a man in his 30s who seems to like what he sees. It’s never going to be a long term relationship but to say that a man of 45 wouldn’t be interested in a 50 year old is laughable.

What?! 🤣 What biology do you think OP is trying to fool? Are you suggesting that once a woman is 50 she couldn't possibly be attractive to a man? What a fucking weird post, have you seen the state of some men in their 50s who date younger women? Or is that different because women's eye sight isn't as good as a mans or some other bullshit excuse?

OP, I think you need to decide what's important to you, you're never going to have good sex with this man, and you may be in for a lot of rejection, is that a price worth paying? Can you handle that without it impacting your self esteem? Only you know the answer to that.

I spent a lot of my 20s with someone who was shit at sex. I’d never do it again.

That poster loves to goad and get a reaction by posting controversial comments - best to ignore

It wasn’t a problem because they didn’t confront him most likely.

My ex was incredibly boring in bed but so I went on top every time, he would probably say we had a great sex life but he didn’t do any positions or oral.

Yes that's a mad take from Hwi.

You don't sound compatible OP. You want a sexual relationship, he wants companionship. Sounds like he makes an effort in bed to appease you as opposed to wanting to do it, and that he would be content not to. Think you will always be sexually frustrated in this set up.

He never may have had issues in past relationships, but his partner may have thought that he did. And he may have been eager to have sex just to check if things had improved from the last time he was having sex. It hasn't, so he is dialing back on the sex.

All I am saying is that if my ds in his 30s started going out with a woman approaching 60, I would be worried about his mental health because gerontophilia is a disease. Same would go for my dd.

My comments are traditional, as my views, they are hardly controversial.

ROFL @Hwi . You are telling me that if your mid 30s son was dating Cindy Crawford (59) you would think he was suffering from gerontophilia! I doubt very much he would see it that way.

Nope - can't be arsed coaching a 45 year old especially one who is not desperate to be coached.

Makes me wonder if it’s a lack of chemistry tbh.

The usual MN advice on these matters:

Man has sex drive and wants sex - disgusting. Dump him.

Man is not that bothered about sex. Must be gay or have porn addiction. Dump him.

A single friend of mine is very close friends with a man she loves and he loves her. But he is revolted by sex. After years of close friendship including several holidays together she asked him why and he hinted at having been abused in his childhood.

I 'm not suggesting that is the issue here, but it's likely that there is some underlying reason: closet gay or over use of porn or asexual or inappropriate attraction to children or teens or weird kink. Or maybe a neurodiverdity which prevents him enjoying the messy sensuality of sex.

And I wouldn't believe there was no problem before. I bet his ex either had problems with him but he overlooked them, or had issues of her own that meant no sex suited her fine.

You need a really frank discussion about it.

😂 Mad more like.

OP Just a suggestion but straightforward question to him. What does he want out of a sexual and loving relationship?

Or what can he do make sex a more enjoyable part of a sexual and loving relationship for you both.