3 weeks from due date and DH refuses to help - everything must be 'equal'

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

I'm heavily pregnant and exhausted. Our bins were overflowing and needed to be taken out for collection (they only collect fortnightly). I asked my husband FIVE times over 48 hours to take them out, explaining that if we miss collection, we'll have nowhere for food waste for two weeks.

He kept saying "in a bit" but never did it, so we missed collection. When I finally confronted him, his response was "the bin is on wheels, you could have managed it yourself!!"

I'm furious. This is only the SECOND time I've asked him to deal with the bins during my entire 9-month pregnancy. He actually told me after 8 months that he'd help with the bins, and still refuses to do it. Who watches their heavily pregnant wife struggle like this?

I've asked barely anything of him this whole time - I still cook, clean, and maintain the same standards as before pregnancy. He makes me cook every other night without exception - which to some degree is fine, but even on days when I'm clearly exhausted, he never offers to take over.

He does pull his weight around the house generally and probably does more than me, but today made a flippant comment that "he does everything." Meanwhile, he's been on holiday to last week with friends, is going away again next week, and living his normal life while I'm struggling at 36 weeks. Is it fair to only ask for support if doing something is impossible? Or is it reasonable to just ask for support occasionally?! Please let me know what happens in other relationships on this.

I ended up calling the collection service myself and taking the bins out (wasn't as heavy as it looked, but that's not the point or is it and is he right?).

I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable here? Is he? Are we both?

Do you think he might have ocd about bins as this seems to be a big deal to him?

OP find your anger, and give up the idea that household responsibilities belong to you alone. They don't. Ignore the bins, don't mention them. Its up to him to make sure they are done and if not they will overflow and it will be on him sand he can deal with it. Same with other stuff around the house. Concentrate only on your own needs now, and the baby's when it comes. You really must prioritise yourself, and sod him needing fresh food cooked by you, or anything else Tell him to do it himself. Unbelievable what some women put up with. There's an old saying - if you lie down on the floor, people will walk on you. So stick up for yourself OP.

Next time he tells you he is doing everything, agree with him...
Yes, you are doing a lot more right now because I am growing our child and I'm exhausted. That is how it should be. You should be stepping up more, like you are. Thank you for that.

Once the baby is a few months old, Op, design you life more how you want it. Eat batch cooked frozen meals, leave your H to fend for himself more. Leave the bins for him. Let him deal with the overflo. Let him live in reality a bit more while you carve out how you want to proceed.

He is not kind or nice to you. You're doing more than 50% for your family at the moment. His contribution needs to increase to match yours ie growing his child for the last 36+ weeks.

From the sounds of it, once your child is here he's going to keep living his pre child life and you will never have a break but your efforts will be disregarded when considering if daily tasks are allocated fairly . They'll never be allocated fairly again and you'll shoulder the majority.

He's demonstrated that with the bins. He should have been doing the bins your entire pregnancy. He can't be arsed and that will continue. In the name of fairness of course.

OP……as you can see from all the replies on this thread: your husband’s behaviour is not normal 🫣

It’s not just about the bins, but the bin situation just highlights everything. What decent man, who loves his partner and cares for his unborn baby would behave that way?
Does he understand or even give a shit that tasks that were once easy, everyday things are twice as hard and riskier now that you are so heavily pregnant?
What if you’d have put your back out shifting full bins this close to the birth of your baby?

My ex-husband is a wanker. In a plethora of different ways. BUT when I was heavily pregnant with our children? He’d have breathed for me if that meant it made the last bit of my pregnancies easier on me.

Has your husband ever spent any time around a newborn or new parents? Surely he must understand that his idea of everything being 50/50 simply isn’t realistic?!
You're going to be sore, you’re going to be leaking from almost every orifice you’ve got, you’re going to be trying to figure out how to feed your baby and doing all of it on very little sleep. The enormous physical impact of pregnancy and birth itself negates the whole idea of 50/50, let alone when there’s an actual baby in the mix.

He's a selfish, entitled, lazy man.

However, for the life of me I can't see the issue in putting out a few wheelie bins on bin day or cooking every other night when pregnant.

@RosesAndHellebores so where exactly is he lazy?

I said, he pulls his weight around the house generally so if the bins and
Cooking Isn't an issue then what exactly is from what I said?

He's lazy in the ways we have all been saying for 3 pages. You're really keen to find someone who says it's all OK so you don't have to confront this. We're not trying to be mean we can just see the horror you are walking into.

You asked basically , who insists their heavily pregnant wife take the bins out. Unfortunately, pregnancy and becoming a parent bring out the best and worst in all of us. In making a strong issue of taking bins out, he is letting you know which it is going to predominantly be.

no matter what's going on the rules can rarely change unless I'm dead or dying This is the thing that is worrying he would rather be right and rigid than take care of you.

Ignore people saying the rude words and focus on what we are trying to get across to you.

Every post is a red flag here OP but you seem conditioned to accept it as your lot. I feel for you, I really do. :(

I'm also heavily pregnant and I'm sorry but there's no way my husband would act like this. Your partner needs to grow up and step up.

You can get assisted bin collections for pregnancy in my area. He is an absolute disgrace.

This.

This is the scary part.
OP, it takes months to fully recover from childbirth.
Not the magical two weeks your husband seems to be focussed on.
After my first baby, I couldn’t even walk properly for the first week without being in an immense amount of pain. I definitely didn’t feel physically “normal” until my baby was a good few months old.
Most women bleed for a minimum of 6ish weeks post birth, and physical over-exertion during that time exacerbates bleeding - it’s your body’s way of telling you to slow down.
How are you going to manage his 50/50 plan when he clearly doesn’t see or care that the physical side of this whole thing is already not anywhere near equal?

So everything is equal, except you're growing a human in your body and he's not, but that doesn't count because he can't.

And going to medical appointments for his child, that's not equal either because it's a waste of time him being there if you can do all the work yourself, but that doesn't count.

And after the first 2 weeks, you'll be doing all the night wakes, because there's no point you both being tired, so he's opting out of being tired, but that doesn't count either.

This is a ridiculous, lazy, selfish little excuse for a boy who needs to go home to his Mummy until he's ready to act like a grown-up.

You mean your husband had to make dinner, correct? Not that he actually had to spoon-feed you, surely! 😂

When I was pregnant with my last I was so tired that I fell asleep accidentally on the sofa with a full shop in bags around me.

My 5 year old saw that I was tired and broken. He literally put everything away for me whilst I napped. I was astounded. Your husband can’t even put a bin out after being asked repeatedly.

He is either lazy, selfish or thoughtless…. Or all three. Because at your stage of pregnancy, if you say you’re too tired you shouldn’t have to do a damn thing. You don’t even have other kids to look after.

The problem is you aren’t willing to hear that he is the problem and just how bad.

But that’s up to you. Best of luck with the baby. You’ll need it.

He's a prick.

Why doesn't HE do it then?

@pleaseguveadvicenotattack thats not equality because the playing field is not level. You deserve to be loved and cared for xx

@Msmoonpie no I am but many are just using curse words and not actually saying anything constrictive

My exH is a knobhead….hence why he’s my ex.
But I’ll give credit where credit is due: he did indeed spoon feed me a few times when I was getting to grips with breastfeeding and needed both hands to manage both baby and boob 🤷🏻‍♀️😂😂😂

Oh I wish you'd get rid of this idiot. God help you when your baby comes. I hope you have a good support system in place. Bless you ❤️

Working so hard to put food on the table 🤣 no, he's working to feel like a big important man to stroke his now ego, pay for solo holidays and trick you into thinking you should be doing more to keep up.

He should want to go to the hospital appointments because they are important for finding out about the health of his wife and baby.

Tell me, when you go back to work and you're juggling the nursery drop-offs, doing the same paid job in less hours for less money, and getting up with the baby at all hours, are you still going to be making everyone's tea and in the name of fairness?