3 weeks from due date and DH refuses to help - everything must be 'equal'

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

I'm heavily pregnant and exhausted. Our bins were overflowing and needed to be taken out for collection (they only collect fortnightly). I asked my husband FIVE times over 48 hours to take them out, explaining that if we miss collection, we'll have nowhere for food waste for two weeks.

He kept saying "in a bit" but never did it, so we missed collection. When I finally confronted him, his response was "the bin is on wheels, you could have managed it yourself!!"

I'm furious. This is only the SECOND time I've asked him to deal with the bins during my entire 9-month pregnancy. He actually told me after 8 months that he'd help with the bins, and still refuses to do it. Who watches their heavily pregnant wife struggle like this?

I've asked barely anything of him this whole time - I still cook, clean, and maintain the same standards as before pregnancy. He makes me cook every other night without exception - which to some degree is fine, but even on days when I'm clearly exhausted, he never offers to take over.

He does pull his weight around the house generally and probably does more than me, but today made a flippant comment that "he does everything." Meanwhile, he's been on holiday to last week with friends, is going away again next week, and living his normal life while I'm struggling at 36 weeks. Is it fair to only ask for support if doing something is impossible? Or is it reasonable to just ask for support occasionally?! Please let me know what happens in other relationships on this.

I ended up calling the collection service myself and taking the bins out (wasn't as heavy as it looked, but that's not the point or is it and is he right?).

I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable here? Is he? Are we both?

Good luck, batch cooking and freezing around 20 meals was a life-saver during the first weeks after birth for us.

I also cannot understand you are not angry about him leaving you for extended period of time when you're so close to your due date.

Do your parents and midwife know about the extent of this situation?

This really is a LTB situation. This is just going to get worse.

You've accepted doing the bins for so long...I wouldn't have.

It's not just that, but him not coming to the prenatal appointments, doesn't give the impression he's that interested in the baby.

I'm not sensing a loving relationship here.

I would leave him to be honest, he is not very nice to you. Things are not equal, his child is in you and you alone are suffering all that goes along with that. You say now that you are okay with him not doing nights but sleep deprivation is a form of torture, you don’t understand how bad it gets until you’ve been existing on no sleep. Honestly you’ll want him to do some night time nappies to let you have a few minutes and get a shower in before he leaves for work - it is so hard!

I wouldn’t do anything strenuous at this late stage - pay for a cleaner if you have to. I was hoovering at around 8 months pregnant and had really painful contractions, it was scary, I ended up in pain on the floor. I didn’t want to accept I couldn’t do everything so I tried to do too much. Only a few weeks to go!

In terms of food I sometimes say I am happy with simple food (sandwich/soup/omlette) so that’s what I am making and my partner will get the grump and cook something more elaborate as he hates simple food! He does more cooking than me as he cares more about what we have.

Since you are genuinely wanting to know, yes…yes, he should have done the bins. Many men always do the bins anyway. It’s just a thing they do. Certainly when you are pregnant I would expect him to be doing them, when asked to I would expect him to be doing them, and one thing for certain is that when he failed to he should have been apologetic not criticizing.

My partner was basically doing everything he could to take care of me at that stage of pregnancy, and in my experience most men are. He definitely would not have been going away anywhere for even a night, though that’s partly because we don’t have family near. You could go into labour any time though. Things are unpredictable, you or your child might require extra care for some time after delivery. It’s worrying that your DH doesn’t seem to grasp the reality of his situation or his responsibilities. I wonder if he senses that things are about to change and is resisting it.

What's wrong with you OP you see this as normal! Of course people are passing judgement!

Yes, this is astounding me as well! And the fact that he's used so much annual leave that he could be using to bond with the baby and extend his paternity leave. My blood boils.

OP, this man is a cunt.

Nothing about this is ok or normal. You’re not unreasonable, we’re telling you that over and over. Please listen.

He is a failure of a husband and father before he’s even begun. He won’t change. You’re in for a really, really bumpy ride.

I’d urge you to step back and really see what’s going on here.

No no no. Do not agree to this. He Needs to be on hand to do nappies/ settling/ dream feed, early feed …SOMETHING

Being neurodivergent doesn’t make you an asshole. He’s a nasty man.

I wouldn’t ’agree’ much about after the birth because trust me it’s so unpredictable.

I can imagine how hard it is to hear all this OP, but you sound like a really capable person, and I think you and your child would find life easier without this man living with you.

Leave him. Get therapy now. Don't let him turn you into an empty shell of fear and anxiety.

Just go and never, ever reconsider getting back with him.

I'm so sorry that you married a total arsehole

He doesn't seem very caring. A good man would make an extra effort to take care of the more cumbersome chores when his wife is pregnant, especially three weeks from the due date. Being 'equal' doesn't often work in real life, and what a miserable existence, to be constantly keeping tally of whose turn it is! I'd start taking an objective look at this relationship and preparing to assert myself.

No you are not being unreasonable because he already said he would do it from 8 months. But his total disinterest in scans etc is a bit more concerning to me especially if 1st child.

you are working 24/7 growing his baby btw so doing way more than he is giving you are also working!

Also OP, your bar for how you should be treated is very low. It's like you believe you're not worthy of any respect.

Please, please leave the guy. You won't be any worse off than you are now and you will regain your self respect. You'll look back and really see that this 'man' is not good enough for you.

Yes, he absolutely should have taken the bins out. This is not normal OP.
He is a horrible person.

He is a misogynistic scumbag. I’m so sorry you’re married to and having a baby with such a disgusting pig, OP

I’m afraid to say that it’s about to get a whole lot worse - when there’s a baby in the mix. It’s exhausting and relentless (and of course joyous at the same time!), and you need to be able to pull together, be kind to each other, try and see the funny side of things….. I’d suggest a very big and serious talk in the first instance.

Jees honestly maybe I need to love this thread to relationships?

Misogynist prick, pig I mean I appreciate having an opinion but have no idea why they have to be so extreme???

Slagging him off without advice isn't helpful

Totally necessary comment! Not at all helpful

You have had lots of advice here, I know it can’t be easy to hear.

You need to have a serious talk with your husband about what is reasonable while you are heavily pregnant and soon to have a newborn. You both need to be realistic about household chores and caring for baby. At the moment it doesn’t sound like he is supportive at all, really. The least he could do for his pregnant wife is take the bins out for her. Having a baby is wonderful but it is also very hard on both of you. You need to be able to work as a team.

Its called being conciously incompetent. He knows youll pick up the slack. Things wont improve. Hes now your useless manchild. Get rid 🗑️

It must be awful to hear but you did ask…”Who watches their heavily pregnant wife struggle like this?”. I guess that’s who.