3 weeks from due date and DH refuses to help - everything must be 'equal'

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

I'm heavily pregnant and exhausted. Our bins were overflowing and needed to be taken out for collection (they only collect fortnightly). I asked my husband FIVE times over 48 hours to take them out, explaining that if we miss collection, we'll have nowhere for food waste for two weeks.

He kept saying "in a bit" but never did it, so we missed collection. When I finally confronted him, his response was "the bin is on wheels, you could have managed it yourself!!"

I'm furious. This is only the SECOND time I've asked him to deal with the bins during my entire 9-month pregnancy. He actually told me after 8 months that he'd help with the bins, and still refuses to do it. Who watches their heavily pregnant wife struggle like this?

I've asked barely anything of him this whole time - I still cook, clean, and maintain the same standards as before pregnancy. He makes me cook every other night without exception - which to some degree is fine, but even on days when I'm clearly exhausted, he never offers to take over.

He does pull his weight around the house generally and probably does more than me, but today made a flippant comment that "he does everything." Meanwhile, he's been on holiday to last week with friends, is going away again next week, and living his normal life while I'm struggling at 36 weeks. Is it fair to only ask for support if doing something is impossible? Or is it reasonable to just ask for support occasionally?! Please let me know what happens in other relationships on this.

I ended up calling the collection service myself and taking the bins out (wasn't as heavy as it looked, but that's not the point or is it and is he right?).

I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable here? Is he? Are we both?

You literally posted about the exact same thing this morning under a different title...

Is he Ndiverse OP?

"The rules" don't change? He went on holiday twice while you are heavily pregnant? He "makes" you cook (how)?

No no no, absolutely not normal and very abusive. You will have to get out of this and soon. But focus on you and your baby right now (unless you feel you are in physical danger).

is he neurodivergent ? Ridgit thinking .. has he PDA? Is he demand avoidant?

I hadn’t thought of that to be honest! I didn’t take anyone with me.

You shouldn't calm down tomorrow. This man is a loser and a terrible husband. He'll be a terrible father, too.

I wondered that too.

OP you've answered about the fresh cooking (ah diddums can't eat fwozen food) and that he came to 2 scans amd is inflexible, but you haven't replied on the main points we are all making. He isn't treating you well. You are a actually at risk. What are you going to do?

Every time I read these threads, I am grateful for my, admittedly imperfect, but largely reasonable, mature, adult DH. Where do these entitled men-teens come from? How as the mother of DSs do we prevent this behaviour in the next generation? OP your "D"H is a pitiful excuse for a human being and he should read, mark and inwardly digest all the comments on here.

Of course you’re not unreasonable to expect him to do the bins when you’re heavily pregnant. The whole relationship sounds like a walking red flag with his behaviour. Sadly it will only get worse when baby is here.

If he can’t prioritise you and your unborn child’s needs now over his own needs what hope is there for when the baby actually arrives. I fear you’re going to have a very difficult experience when your baby arrives in terms of your relationship and his expectations of you. Please talk to your friends and Health visitor about exactly how he is so you have support in the real world and people who can keep an eye on you.

The inflexibility could point to all kinds of things- misogynistic stereotypes about women and men’s roles, inflexible thinking due to neurodiversity, fear of change due to trauma. All of the above. Why some men are like this can be analysed over future years to come (it’s not uncommon sadly) but I really hope OP will be able to soon find birth and first few weeks of new mum support which doesn’t rely on her partner.

I’m sorry you’re having a baby with such a prick.

I feel sad for you. This shows how little he cares about your & the baby’s well being. Totally indifferent. Not sure I could get passed that.

@Lyracappul yes neurodivergent but won't get any help or hasn't just carried on living his life

Leave him now. I don’t usually say this but my ex was like this, and I stupidly went on to have three more!!! He treated me like shit when I was pregnant and breastfeeding. He thought all pregnant/breastfeeding women exaggerated to ‘get out of things’. He’d watch me carrying shopping, and god help me if I moaned or needed more rest!!! He wouldn’t walk next to me he’d get cross and walk ahead and start moaning at me to hurry up. Got it makes me so mad with myself for allowing it for so long tbh. Absolute pig. This is how it starts my love. He doesn’t give a shit about you. Leave now and don’t look back.

You’re not angry enough OP

Get up off your knees and stop being a fucking doormat.

You are nothing more than an incubator as far as this man is concerned. When this baby comes your existence is going to be even more miserable than it already is, and you’re going to silently carry on allowing him to treat you like dirt and appeasing him.

If he is keen on doing things equally, then I’d do a chart.
What you do, what he does. Put the time needed next to it.
See how it goes. I’m sure you’re doing more than him!

And then talk about what will happen when baby is here. Getting up during the night 50/50 right? Changing nappies? Checking clothes are still in size? Etc etc…..

He doesn’t want 50/50. He is using the 50/50 to get away with doing what needs to be done.
Btw you shouldn’t have ring agd sorted collection furvtye bins. You should have kept him doing it.

And you are happy?

I’m not sure that in itself shows a lack of care - it is logical and more efficient.

But it sounds as though overall he isn’t very nice… and that is the main issue.

He does everything?…amazing, he can carry and birth your unborn child then 🫵🙌 Oh no, he can’t. I would be seriously considering if I wanted to be with him, if he cannot support you now and be prepared to take the slack a bit (not that you are not doing enough by the way!) what is he going to be like when you are both sleep deprived with a new baby and you recovering from birth?…

Jeeze, well I don’t know what to say op but my vagina clamped right up when you were describing your husband! What an unattractive, awful man!

Ah….
He won’t change.
He might learn from natural consequences

Plan that he is going to be utterly overwhelmed by being a father (noisy and unpredictable) and will get worse.

Sorry I know it’s not what you want to hear. But having children is a huge trigger fur ND men

He won't change and it will just get worse. If you think you're tired now, you gave no idea how tired you will be when that baby is here. It's like nothing else! Sorry, but it's true!

What worked for me was shaming mine in a way so if he wouldn't do something, I'd say "It's OK. Don't worry, I'll just call my Dad/brother and ask them to come round and help me out". That made him get up off his arse, perish the thought that he'd look like a shit husband in their eyes.

But, for you, get out now, while you can. Go be with your family as he's never going to change and you'll resent him more and more.

Its a type of misogyny imo, to treat a heavily pregnant woman like this, especially as you have said you are exhausted. What kind of "man" does that, and then tries to pull the "equality" card. I am so sorry that he has turned out like this OP. In the short term you need to stop doing everything. Let him stew if he doesn't have clean laundry or somewhere clean and tidy to sit down, or a meal. He will need to do more, and you need to let him and in fact demand it that he does. Look after yourself. He is a grown man who can take care of himself, and he should be taking care of you too.

I don't know a single man, my ex included, who would have their pregnant wife in this position.

This man is horrible all round.