I called the police on my daughter in law and it's gone wrong

[feellikechickentonight]

The other week I was walking my dog and I ended up walking past my son and daughter in law's house, as I walked past i could hear her going ballistic at what I presumed to be him. The house isnt too far back from the path and the bathroom window was open, hence being able to hear everything.

I listened for a minute or so and she was absolutely relentless, calling him awful names, for context he is physically disabled and some of those insults were related to his disability, I couldn't hear him responding in kind, just pleading with her to calm down and fearing for his safety i called the police and they said they'd check that everything was okay but couldn't give a time.

I went home as I had an appointment, i was also very angry at what I'd heard and was worried if I confronted them that it'd make the situation worse. A few hours later I got a phone call from my son asking me if I'd called the police, when I said yes he then got very terse and said what the hell was I doing, that they were having a very heated discussion about something, he confirmed that the police had been round, they'd spoken to him separately as I had told the police what I'd heard his wife screaming at him.

Anyway the police were happy it was a domestic dispute and they left, I've been told by my son to stay away from him and my grandson etc, my husband and other son have said that j completely overreacted, some couples have a row but it's better than not ever arguing and then one day just exploding. My daughter in law is said to be absolutely furious.

I'm heart broken, how do I fix this? I had hoped that the police would get social services involved due to them having a child and giving them a kick up the arse but it seems have backfired.

I don’t disagree with you. OPs actions have clearly backfired badly but I think the main reason for that is because her son realised it was her that called. Whether that is because it was disclosed to him by police (and frankly I can’t see any other way he’d immediately suspect OP unless there’s missing info here) but if I was walking past a house in my own time and heard what OP described, I’d call police.

I don't necessarily think you did the wrong thing, OP - it sounds like your son is vulnerable and you thought he might need assistance.

I'm puzzled as to what outcome you'd be hoping for regarding social services. The usual advised course of action in the case of domestic abuse would be for the abuser to be excluded from the family home or for the victim and children to move to a safe place. Not a "kick up the backside".

If you think your DIL is abusive, what are the options for your DS? Can he care for himself and their child if he has to leave or she is excluded from the home, or does he rely on her providing care? Can you step in to meet his and your grandchild's needs or would external help be needed?

No there's not. The police aren't going to provide any oversight here given what OP said happened for either sex, but even less so given the potential DV victim is male. If he is a victim of abuse he's just been further isolated and it's likely now he won't take any concerns OP has seriously. If OP was concerned for his immediate safety she would have stayed until things calmed down. If she is worried about the mental effects of abuse then she's gone about supporting him in exactly the wrong way. If there was physical harm as some proof calling the police would have made sense, but the odds that calling about emotional abuse will have any positive outcome is are minute. Of course he's not going to say anything to the police while she knows he's being asked about it.

OP said she's threatened to call the police on her DIL before because of how she was talking to DS, and I'm guessing that's the tip of the backstory iceburg that made OP his first guess when paired with the knowledge that OP walks her dog past their house.

So concerned about the situation you called the police and want your GC removed from his parents?

So unbothered you fucked off to your appointment and thought nothing more of it until you were pulled up on it by your son, who somehow miraculously knew you’d called the police.

Pull the other one love, the mythical police in your story might not be good detectives but MN can smell a rat a mile away

fearing for his safety i called the police and they said they'd check that everything was okay but couldn't give a time. I went home as I had an appointment

No one buys this 😂

You're a busy body who wanted to cause trouble for whatever reason - and you've now had your arse handed to you and probably totally fucked up your relationship.

Crawl on your knees and apologise sincerely to both and don't be so stupid in future.

I had hoped that the police would get social services involved due to them having a child and giving them a kick up the arse but it seems have backfired.
A kick up the arse might help if the dynamic has become toxic and stuck, it absolutely will not help where one partner is abusive or an arsehole. If DIL is abusive then you need to support your son to hopefully leave. If they/she need some support around parenting that's a different matter and not a police one. If she is abusive the only real solution is to support your son to leave and isolating him from you doesn't achieve that.

If she was using ablist slurs and he's disabled it doesn't sound like a normal row, that sounds like abuse. I agree with others that I wouldn't have admitted I called but that ship has sailed. If your son is in an abusive relationship though and not ready to leave he probably will feel like he has no choice but to go NC until his wife calms down to save himself more abuse.

I would try to use your husband to mediate, although very annoying that he's taken the view that you overstepped. I don't believe you have. Xx

She sounds abusive to someone more vulnerable than her, OP. Domestic abuse absolutely does happen from women, too. I'm glad you called the police. Even if you have to stay away for a while, DIL is on notice that she can't treat him like that. I'm really glad that this is logged, because it could make a difference in the future.

Lie low for a while and see what happens.

What a tough situation - you must have been so worried about your son to do this - if I overheard my adult child being verbally abused by a partner, and there was a similar dynamic then I would have done the same.

Op, your son and his kids needed you as a support. Thus, why did you report before talking to him?

Also, anyone from the street could have heard and reported. To admit to it further promotes distrust of you.

Have you asked whether he wants you to help him leave in the past? He was in the best position to know all of the circumstances. You should have had deep and meaningful conversations with him.
His wife might need a lot more assistance. She is living with children and a husband who can't help as much as he should. There are bound to be moments of intense resentment, exhaustion and verbal exchanges of feelings. Sad for the kids to hear but their Mum and Dad might still assess the situation as mostly calm and secure. The SS will assess them now too.

You need to stay back.

What on earth?

Other than the OP swanning off without checking her son was okay, she did nothing wrong.

It is horrible to be verbally abusing your partner, and even more so to use their disability against them.

I don't see how calling the police and trying to get social services involved would help you in this situation. If you know that he is regularly abused by her then obviously good to try and intervene somehow. But if this was just you snooping past and heard an argument then instead of checking in on them and instead calling the police, I doubt you will be forgiven any time soon.

If the OP was a mother standing outside her daughter's house listening to her son in law verbally abuse her disabled daughter who was physically smaller than him, people would be applauding her for calling the police. And because it's a bloke it's injustice?

You did the right thing OP. The police were satisfied that your son is not at risk of harm, but maybe she will learn to control her temper in future. If her screaming can be heard outside it was hardly a barney over broccoli is it?

I don't disagree that it sounds abusive and out of order if she was relentlessly screaming at him and using slurs related to his disability, but if you feared for his safety and were distressed enough to call the police, why did you walk away and attend an appointment?

If this was her daughter, people would be just as mystified that op chose to walk past and go and keep her appointment, despite fearing for her safety as she claims.

You didn’t over react. I saw a documentary a while ago about a man who was subjected to relentless physical and physiological abuse from his wife. Ignore the naysayers OP. They’d be up in arms if it was the other way around and it was a man screaming at a woman.

So are you saying you think it’s a made up post?

Yes, that part of it is very weird, true. But the actual calling sounds correct.

How did he know it was you? It could have been anyone, a neighbour etc. Unless you have form for hanging around outside their house spying?

You could have gone down two routes here, you could have knocked the door and dealt with the situation head on, or you could have taken the sneaky route, contacted the police and run off, which is what you did. But then you did a u-turn on the sneaky bit and admitted you'd done it. Pick a path and commit to it.

I don't agree that you shouldn't have interfered, DV is everyone's business, although you don't know the whole story.

There has been 5 pages of questions from readers and yet only one response from you. I'm sorry but if I was in your situation there would be no way I would of fexked off for an appointment instead I would of knocked said I was passing and read the room . If what you have said is false you have a very sad life to mske a story up when there are actually both men and women and children living this nightmare daily.

I don’t think there is any coming back from this OP

The fact that your son is disabled and a person was verbally assaulting him (and you had no way of knowing if she were not doing more than that!) warranted a call to law enforcement to check things out and de-escalate the situation. They can both be mad as wet bees if they want to - you did the right thing. I worked in Adult Protective Services which covers not only seniors, but disabled adults 18 and over, and the number of abuse cases we got in daily was utterly depressing. 90% of the time it was a family member - withholding medications or stealing them outright, not cleaning the disabled or senor person, not feeding the disabled or elderly person, taking their money, slapping them, pinching them, tying them down, not giving them water, not providing medical care, or emotionally/verbally abusing them.

Your son though he may not be aware of the fact that he was being abused, was very much a victim. He may have been aware but was terrified that she would do even worst if he defended himself. Most likely the wife insisted he call you and is the one pushing for NO CONTACT so she can abuse him undeterred. Abusive caretakers/spouses in such situations always escalate the abuse and it then often ends in the victim being put in hospital or a coffin.

I am 100% in your corner. Your job is to protect your child, even if he is too scared or too silly to protect himself.

No, I'm stating my initial reaction to this part of the post, which was confusion. I'm wondering why it was so extreme that she had to call the police yet not so extreme that she didn't knock on the door or at least wait nearby. I'm confused about that so I commented it.

Police where you live must be more useful than my area, as I was being continually harassed by a man in the same flats. I even had medical problems because of it. Yet all the police did was send a PCSO in her early 20s who was too scared to confront the man, and even tried to twist it back to me as that was easier for her. Then when I made a complaint, they said that the PCSO said it wasn't a police matter, when causing people alarm and distress is assault.