I called the police on my daughter in law and it's gone wrong

[feellikechickentonight]

The other week I was walking my dog and I ended up walking past my son and daughter in law's house, as I walked past i could hear her going ballistic at what I presumed to be him. The house isnt too far back from the path and the bathroom window was open, hence being able to hear everything.

I listened for a minute or so and she was absolutely relentless, calling him awful names, for context he is physically disabled and some of those insults were related to his disability, I couldn't hear him responding in kind, just pleading with her to calm down and fearing for his safety i called the police and they said they'd check that everything was okay but couldn't give a time.

I went home as I had an appointment, i was also very angry at what I'd heard and was worried if I confronted them that it'd make the situation worse. A few hours later I got a phone call from my son asking me if I'd called the police, when I said yes he then got very terse and said what the hell was I doing, that they were having a very heated discussion about something, he confirmed that the police had been round, they'd spoken to him separately as I had told the police what I'd heard his wife screaming at him.

Anyway the police were happy it was a domestic dispute and they left, I've been told by my son to stay away from him and my grandson etc, my husband and other son have said that j completely overreacted, some couples have a row but it's better than not ever arguing and then one day just exploding. My daughter in law is said to be absolutely furious.

I'm heart broken, how do I fix this? I had hoped that the police would get social services involved due to them having a child and giving them a kick up the arse but it seems have backfired.

Not sure what you mean by gotcha comment, what an odd thing to say.

I’m aware of the statistics however they probably aren’t as relevant in this case where the man has a physical disability that may make him vulnerable.

Either way the woman’s behaviour was vile and the op did nothing wrong by trying to protect her son.

If you were that worried, why didn't you knock and say hello?

Disabled person being screamed at and demeaned for the disability by partner who is physically bigger. Poster, having witnessed this before, feared for safety of disabled person and called police. That is the right thing to do.

Everyone should be backing her up.

safelives.org.uk/resources-for-professionals/spotlights/spotlight-disabled-people-and-domestic-abuse/

You wanted social services to get involved because your adult son had a heated argument with his wife? Good god woman. I’d suggest you absolutely back off and give them some space to calm down - they’re right to be angry. Don’t walk your dog anywhere near their house and don’t listen to private conversations that have nothing to do with you, nosey so and so

This 100%.

It is disheartening how many people are against OP, and she was just trying to protect her son. Perhaps his life was not in the immediate danger, but that does not mean that his wife yelling at him is not abuse and should not be stopped. Being a mother of both a boy and a girl I definitely love them the same and would want to protect them equally.

OP my heart aches for you. I totally understand how you must feel, but unfortunately do not have anything wise to add. Just wanted to give you my support.

People are questioning OP because it doesn't seem like fear for his safety was actually the primary driver here.

OP explicitly says that what she was actually hoping for was that calling the police would get social services involved and "giving them [plural, not singular] a kick up the arse." That is not remotely the same as hoping that the police would physically intervene in potential abuse. She waited until she finished her dog walk to call the police who said they'd get around eventually and then proceeded to her appointment, which is not at all consistent with what you would expect if she had pressing fear for her child's safety.

And those of us with experience with abuse and controlling relationships know that in most cases of adult abuse it often does more harm to involve authorities against the person's wishes unless there is reason to suspect imminent physical danger. Supporting an abuse victim doesn't mean ignoring their wishes and trampling over any autonomy and control they still have.

Op said her son asked it she was the one who reported them and she said she was. I can’t say I blame her, actually!

I'm not sure it's being apologists for DV - the point here is that if OP thought that harm was taking place/about to take place, she would not have walked on home. She would have rang the doorbell or phoned or done something to prevent her DS from getting hurt. So something is very strange here. The police literally said they couldn't give OP a time. Which would give the DIL plenty of time to hurt the DS. But OP went to an appointment. I just don't understand.

Wow, can't believe the posters saying you shouldn't have interfered!

OP you were right to be concerned at what sounds like potential domestic abuse towards your son.

I am not sure the police handled this well at all. They should know that where domestic abuse is present the way this is handled can make things worse.

You haven't done anything wrong in trying to help your son and grandchild. It's a shame your concerns weren't taken seriously.

I'd just find a way to let your son know privately that you're there for him and grandchild if they ever need help.

I think you wanted to interfere.

If I heard somebody I cared about being yelled at I would knock on the door. I wouldn't stand around the corner from the house and call the police then wait to see what happened. If in the moment you were genuinely concerned you could have easily put yourself in the middle of that situation.

It must be awful to see your son being intimidated and abused OP. I can see why you did what you did. I presume as a mother to a disabled child you did you fair share of protecting him from suspected bullies.

We know that domestic disputes can turn out violent so I can totally see your thinking.
I think at this point, the only thing you can offer is this explanation... that you care for , you were terrified, you jumped the gun and called the police out of genuine fear for his safety.

Hopefully you get forgiveness and ultimately he will be able to turn to you when the marriage goes (further) south.

Very strange that you were loitering around their bathroom window, close enough to hear op, but of this is genuine, I think my first reaction would be to ring the doorbell and shout up to them.

Presumably it would have been your dil who answered the door and just your very presence there, asking difficult questions, would surely have been enough to embarrass her and put her on notice that you were aware of what was going on.

To call the police is an extreme first reaction without even first talking to your son and dil.

If you were genuinely afraid for your son’s safety, I doubt you would have left to attend a meeting.

I take your point.
We can only surmise perhaps OP wanted to give it some thought, second guessed herself then finally thought she should place the call. She seems to think SS would get involved and scare DiL enough to stop the behaviour. That's not quite how it works, though, so it was naive on OP's part, but I sill believe she did the right action even if motivation was a bit skewed.

I don't know the answer, but it's interesting that as far as you knew it was only screaming, but it didn't occur to you to pretend to innocently knock to say hello, since that might have diffused it.
You probably can't fix it, at least not right away, but you could try writing a kind note saying that you're sorry if you made the wrong choice, but you were just lovingly concerned about their welfare.

How do you fix it?

Depends on what your goal is tbh. From the little you've said, it sounds like you may have long had concerns that she is abusive to him?

If that's right, then I understand why you did what you did. What you do now is apologise profusely, do whatever they demand to make it better and keep your head down and opinions to yourself.

Why? Because its probably the only way you stand a chance of repairing your relationship with them and because if she IS abusive to him, you'll want to stay close to be able to support him and the children.

Me too.

Who knew this could go wrong?

Neither is this one. Women can still hurt men particularly if one is disabled.

I’m pretty sure it was nails.

Your family members sound like idiots. She is hurling abuse at him also attacking his disability and you are the one who overreacted.

If there's nothing wrong with abusing a disabled chap why is the SIL an idiot for doing so?

None of this adds up. Do you think your son is being abused? Because you're not presenting as someone who thinks her child is being abused.

The fact that OP hasn't been back to explain further about why she felt quite happy about waltzing off and leaving her son in what she says was an abusive situation is I think leading several of us to think this isn't true. If it's not true, that's pretty sick and we're all wasting our time anyway. Why would she want to get SS on them without privately talking to her son and finding out what's really going on? As others have said whether it was your son or daughter you'd knock to find out what if anything was going on. I don't believe this story personally

Eh?

@feellikechickentonight Okay so what’s the backstory here?

I’m sorry that this is a difficult situation and you’re upset, however we need more info here.

What are you relationships with your son and DIL usually like? As a couple and as individuals?

Is your son particularly vulnerable with his disability? Does your DIL have caring responsibilities for him? Did you have caring responsibilities for him before he got married?

Have you noticed a change in your sons well-being recently?

Has there been any signs of your DIL being abusive or abusing your son in the past?

Are “heated discussions” usually the norm for them? Or were you completely shocked at what you overheard?

If you believe what you overheard warranted police involvement why didn’t you knock on their door straight away to check everything was okay? Especially if children were in the house?

What exactly were you wanting the police to say or do? What was the outcome you were hoping for when you made the report?