I called the police on my daughter in law and it's gone wrong

[feellikechickentonight]

The other week I was walking my dog and I ended up walking past my son and daughter in law's house, as I walked past i could hear her going ballistic at what I presumed to be him. The house isnt too far back from the path and the bathroom window was open, hence being able to hear everything.

I listened for a minute or so and she was absolutely relentless, calling him awful names, for context he is physically disabled and some of those insults were related to his disability, I couldn't hear him responding in kind, just pleading with her to calm down and fearing for his safety i called the police and they said they'd check that everything was okay but couldn't give a time.

I went home as I had an appointment, i was also very angry at what I'd heard and was worried if I confronted them that it'd make the situation worse. A few hours later I got a phone call from my son asking me if I'd called the police, when I said yes he then got very terse and said what the hell was I doing, that they were having a very heated discussion about something, he confirmed that the police had been round, they'd spoken to him separately as I had told the police what I'd heard his wife screaming at him.

Anyway the police were happy it was a domestic dispute and they left, I've been told by my son to stay away from him and my grandson etc, my husband and other son have said that j completely overreacted, some couples have a row but it's better than not ever arguing and then one day just exploding. My daughter in law is said to be absolutely furious.

I'm heart broken, how do I fix this? I had hoped that the police would get social services involved due to them having a child and giving them a kick up the arse but it seems have backfired.

To be fair on them calling the police without even bothering to assess what was going on was definitely intrusive and an overreaction on your part.

If you truly believed there was real danger you wouldn’t have left and then called the police, you would have done it on the spot and waited to find out everyone was safe.

Yet we're told to report incidents of suspected abuse from our neighbours etc., sounds like DILs get a free ride.

You just have to deal with the consequences of your actions now I guess.

Hardly surprising that you wont be welcome anymore. Wtf did you expect?

The police shouldn't have said it was you who complained. If they didn't know you were walking past why accuse you? It could've been a neighbour or any random bystander.
Anyway it's done now. You did it out of concern for him so hopefully he'll get over it.

Don't even begin to patronise me regarding any type of domestic abuse.

Fight or flight? Ha!

Imagine having neither after years of it being so, so complex, that it doesn't even occur to you to call the police. Because its just fucking normal, and that's life.

By who?

Ive never heard anyone be expected to report their neighbours arguing to the police?

I'm not excusing DIL shouting but what is the back story here? It could be key. Is she your son's carer? Are there any financial or mental health worries on either of them? What is your relationship like with her?

That was my question. I would have just said that it wasn't me. It could have been anyone - especially given that she was just walking by and overheard the argument. It could have been a neighbour.

Yes, because women don't commit domestic murder on an overwhelming basis. Women generally don't and can't overpower men to murder them.

Men commit 85-95% of homicides so of course the answers are different. Your comment isn't the gotcha you think it is.

Sounds like you had no choice
Give everyone time to calm down and try approaching your son in a week or so

How did he know it was you who called them?

If you were so worried why did you just go off to your appointment and not intervene or ask someone else to immediately?

Patronise? Seriously? How? I’m just sharing why I think the way I do. Defending my view having been questioned on it. I wasn’t commenting on you or your experience honestly. I’m sorry you went through that but I think it’s better if the OP over reacted rather than under reacted.

You absolutely did the right thing by calling the police.
Well done you.

However, I’m not sure it was the right thing to admit it.

I think you have 2 choices - apologise and say you were worried it was going to escalate, so you just wanted to calm it down and you’d rather you phoned them yourself than a neighbour who may exaggerate.

Or stick you your guns and say that you did the right thing because the things she was saying were vile and she sounds abusive, which is completely unacceptable.

I honestly don’t know which is for the best.

There’s something not right here.

1. If I heard someone aggressively berating my son I would knock on the door and try to calm things down.
2. How on earth did DS know that you were the passer by who reported it?

I'm heart broken, how do I fix this? I had hoped that the police would get social services involved due to them having a child and giving them a kick up the arse but it seems have backfired.

What kind of “kick up the arse”? Because the way you’re telling it, you heard your son being verbally abused and you were worried about his safety. Fair enough, but victims of domestic abuse (which is what you apparently assumed this was) don’t need a kick up the arse they need support to handle their situation.

There’s not much you can do right now. If you had genuine concerns I don’t feel like you should apologise. If you did to I dunno, teach them a lesson or something then I’m not sure grovelling is going to work but it’s worth a try.

I think there's more to this, personally. You sound like you've been hoping to get your DIL in trouble, or hurt her, for some time. Your DS knew it was you - this says there's history.

The answer is that you don't come back from this, or not anytime soon. You accept that they've finally had enough of your interference and stay out of their lives.

A warning that you reap what you sow, I guess.

To be honest with you, what did you expect?

Firstly you were eavesdropping and it seems creepy how you came to overhear this.

Secondly, if you thought your son was in danger enough to call the police, then why wouldn’t you rearrange your appointment? Seems odd to take the nuclear option and mention your son has disabilities as if to say he’s vulnerable and you fear his safety; but simultaneously not clear your calendar. What appointment was so important?

I understand why you may not wish to confront her directly, but you didn’t have to. You could have done something else to clear the tension. That could have been pretending you were picking something up, making an excuse to drop in, asking your son to help you with something etc then checking privately if he needed anything from you.

Lastly, it’s odd that you actively wanted social services to be involved over this. It just seems like you wanted the worst possible outcome and it is hard to understand why from what you have written.

I’m absolutely staggered by the amount of comments lambasting the OP for this. Sexism is alive and well isn’t it.
If OP had posted about her daughter and SIL and said that SIL had been going ballistic and calling daughter names relating to her physical disability people would be falling over themselves to say how much of an abusive monster he was.

Men are also victims of DV. There’s a massive difference between a run of the mill disagreement between a couple, and verbally abusing a partner that is both physically weaker and mentally more vulnerable.

OP if this is true then I think you did the right thing. I’d be interested to know why your son thought it was you that called police as that piece of info should not have been disclosed for obvious reasons.
Also, police do have a duty to make safeguarding referrals to social services in any situation where there has been a report of a domestic disturbance-verbal or otherwise, where children reside with one or both parties, regardless of whether said children were present during the incident. So if they’re doing their jobs correctly, a referral will be made.
If I were you, I’d let my son know I’m here for him, I was trying to act in his best interests even if he doesn’t agree, I love him.

@Justgoodforthegetting

and in your scenario… the OP strolls off to her appointment?

Hmmmmm

If you were genuinely thinking that your ds or dgs were in immediate physical danger, you would have rang the doorbell to try and stop it, surely. I mean, if one of them had been seriously assaulted, calling the police would’ve been useless - they’d have found ds/dgs already injured/dead.

People do argue. Having a little kid is stressful - even without one parent having a disability, which surely must make things harder.

I agree there must be more to it. Reporting your DIL to the police for a heated argument seems like hitting the nuclear button.

Why were you even walking your dog past their house? You’ll be lucky if they don’t move away with you spying like that.

I had hoped that the police would get social services involved due to them having a child and giving them a kick up the arse but it seems have backfired.

This is why you were wrong, OP. If you believe social services is what is needed because a child or vulnerable adult is not being cared for properly or in need of services then you need to make a report to social services. And if you actually believed that there was a present danger to one of your family members in that moment then finishing your dog walk, calling the police, being told they'd go by eventually, and then going off to your appointment business as usual would be entirely unreasonable.

Frankly it sounds like you wanted to cause trouble for your DIL because you don't like how she treats your son. The latter feelings are perfectly understandable and she may be awful to him, but it's your son's marriage and your job is to support him, not try to force him to do what you think is best.

FWIW, I would say the same regardless of the sexes involved. Calling the police like this against the wishes of a person you think is in an abusive or controlling relationship should be reserved for urgent safety concerns - otherwise what you're doing is further stripping control and choice from them.

You had hoped police would get social services involved?! Wtf, why? So you’d want your own grandchild potentially taken away from your son? Are you nuts?

Disgusted at these comments. If it was a man verbally abusing his disabled wife you'd be saying something else. Makes me worry about my sons if they were ever in an abusive relationship.

The DV apologists should be ashamed.

It’s not my scenario. People make odd decisions. Maybe it’s a load of made up codswhallop. Who knows.
Im simply providing advice based on taking OP at face value.

But the point is that her actions have not helped the situation if it is abusive, they have most probably inflamed the situation. If he is being abused it will just isolate him more and now it will escalate further. And I would say this to to any woman as when I volunteered in DA/DV circles, discretion and trust are crucial to getting someone out of that situation. Someone who truly needs to leave because of abuse knows that leaving is the most dangerous part.