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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I called the police on my daughter in law and it's gone wrong

334 replies

feellikechickentonight · 18/03/2025 19:13

The other week I was walking my dog and I ended up walking past my son and daughter in law's house, as I walked past i could hear her going ballistic at what I presumed to be him. The house isnt too far back from the path and the bathroom window was open, hence being able to hear everything.

I listened for a minute or so and she was absolutely relentless, calling him awful names, for context he is physically disabled and some of those insults were related to his disability, I couldn't hear him responding in kind, just pleading with her to calm down and fearing for his safety i called the police and they said they'd check that everything was okay but couldn't give a time.

I went home as I had an appointment, i was also very angry at what I'd heard and was worried if I confronted them that it'd make the situation worse. A few hours later I got a phone call from my son asking me if I'd called the police, when I said yes he then got very terse and said what the hell was I doing, that they were having a very heated discussion about something, he confirmed that the police had been round, they'd spoken to him separately as I had told the police what I'd heard his wife screaming at him.

Anyway the police were happy it was a domestic dispute and they left, I've been told by my son to stay away from him and my grandson etc, my husband and other son have said that j completely overreacted, some couples have a row but it's better than not ever arguing and then one day just exploding. My daughter in law is said to be absolutely furious.

I'm heart broken, how do I fix this? I had hoped that the police would get social services involved due to them having a child and giving them a kick up the arse but it seems have backfired.

OP posts:
JanglingJack · 18/03/2025 20:05

Ariel896 · 18/03/2025 19:58

I call BS on all this. You ‘happened to be walking past’ and then you thought your son was in danger and left him to it. None of this is believable!

Absolutely.

Haricots · 18/03/2025 20:05

I went home as I had an appointment

That wouldn’t be my response to hearing my DS being very aggressively verbally assaulted

Spirallingdownwards · 18/03/2025 20:06

NarcHellHelp · 18/03/2025 19:56

Because it could have escalated it.

And calling the police has escalated it in a different way.

NarcHellHelp · 18/03/2025 20:06

Haricots · 18/03/2025 20:05

I went home as I had an appointment

That wouldn’t be my response to hearing my DS being very aggressively verbally assaulted

And she didn’t want escalate it.

londongirl12 · 18/03/2025 20:06

Why on earth wouldn’t you just knock on the door? Your appointment couldn’t have been that important. Clearly missing some details here…

Haricots · 18/03/2025 20:06

Op you need help
making up shite like this would indicate you have a very empty life

SandlersToe · 18/03/2025 20:06

"fearing for his safety i called the police"
"I went home as I had an appointment"

🤔🤨

Haricots · 18/03/2025 20:07

NarcHellHelp · 18/03/2025 20:06

And she didn’t want escalate it.

So that would be your response? Head off to your appointment? Ok.

biscuitsandbooks · 18/03/2025 20:07

So you just happened to be walking past while they were fighting.
You were so worried you rang the police but not worried enough to stay longer than a minute or two.
You rang the police based on a snippet of information and somehow your son knew it was you?

Really? Hmm

Annascaul · 18/03/2025 20:08

NarcHellHelp · 18/03/2025 20:06

And she didn’t want escalate it.

She escalated it just fine by calling the police!

NarcHellHelp · 18/03/2025 20:08

Spirallingdownwards · 18/03/2025 20:06

And calling the police has escalated it in a different way.

Except now there is more oversight. Now she knows that the police have had a heads up and that might be enough of a boundary for her to change her behaviour.

Bullies, aggressors and abusers thrive in darkness. Light should be shone in their behaviour.

JanglingJack · 18/03/2025 20:09

It couldn't have possibly happened as OP has described.

And I get fucking livid when domestic abuse is being touted for shits and giggles.

Haricots · 18/03/2025 20:09

NarcHellHelp · 18/03/2025 20:08

Except now there is more oversight. Now she knows that the police have had a heads up and that might be enough of a boundary for her to change her behaviour.

Bullies, aggressors and abusers thrive in darkness. Light should be shone in their behaviour.

It’s kind you’re supporting the op

But it is patently obvious this is a bored OP with nothing planned this evening

NarcHellHelp · 18/03/2025 20:09

Annascaul · 18/03/2025 20:08

She escalated it just fine by calling the police!

Escalated in terms of her relationship with them but having a third party observe or be informed shines an external light on it and might give enough of a strong message that she changes or he sees it for what it is.

JanglingJack · 18/03/2025 20:09

NarcHellHelp · 18/03/2025 20:08

Except now there is more oversight. Now she knows that the police have had a heads up and that might be enough of a boundary for her to change her behaviour.

Bullies, aggressors and abusers thrive in darkness. Light should be shone in their behaviour.

Ffs..

NarcHellHelp · 18/03/2025 20:11

Haricots · 18/03/2025 20:09

It’s kind you’re supporting the op

But it is patently obvious this is a bored OP with nothing planned this evening

Having had to report someone close for abusive behaviour recently I know just how hard it is to know what to do for the best and I can imagine doing the same. Getting away but calling the police.

JanglingJack · 18/03/2025 20:11

Armchair counsellors with no understanding or experience of such an episode

NarcHellHelp · 18/03/2025 20:14

JanglingJack · 18/03/2025 20:09

It couldn't have possibly happened as OP has described.

And I get fucking livid when domestic abuse is being touted for shits and giggles.

We can’t know that. Things get complex. I have had to report someone close for abusive behaviour recently and it’s so complex. It sets off your own fight or flight and makes it hard to think clearly. May be it’s BS but I always give the benefit of the doubt and I’d hate for anyone to be put off posting because of seeing disbelief and pile ons.

Cosycover · 18/03/2025 20:14

Looks like you've made your bed now. Don't think there's much else you can do.

WonderingWanda · 18/03/2025 20:15

Why didn't you just knock on the door?

Chuchoter · 18/03/2025 20:15

I can't understand why if you were that concerned you didn't knock the door and pretend to call round on a false pretence, needed the loo as you have urine infection etc and act like you didn't hear the row just to diffuse the situation.

Calling the police and then going to your appointment just sounds odd.

Spirallingdownwards · 18/03/2025 20:16

NarcHellHelp · 18/03/2025 20:08

Except now there is more oversight. Now she knows that the police have had a heads up and that might be enough of a boundary for her to change her behaviour.

Bullies, aggressors and abusers thrive in darkness. Light should be shone in their behaviour.

Sounds like they may possibly have been having a normal couples row and MIL decided she wanted the DIL she doesn't like to get into trouble.

The son seems to agree.

No way would a truly concerned person let alone mother have gone off to an appointment. They would have called from there and waited outside if too scared to knock. Its BS.

tachetastic · 18/03/2025 20:16

@feellikechickentonight So your child was in sufficient danger for you to call the police, but not enough for you to miss your appointment?

What was the appointment?

JanglingJack · 18/03/2025 20:17

tachetastic · 18/03/2025 20:16

@feellikechickentonight So your child was in sufficient danger for you to call the police, but not enough for you to miss your appointment?

What was the appointment?

Edited

bsanonymous

Smelded · 18/03/2025 20:18

I don’t think you’re wrong for ringing if you suspected domestic abuse, but I think you’re nuts to admit to that on the phone, as she may have been listening/he may feel ashamed, all sorts of reasons, and now he’s talking about cutting you off which if it what you suspecting was true is cutting him off from help/your support Which isn’t great for him (or you) I would apologise a lot even if you don’t mean and try and reopen that door, but even if you can’t just make sure he knows he can always call you for help in the future

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