Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

Those damn women knocking themselves up again.

Nothing whatsoever to do with the men spunking their active-sperm-filled baby batter into their vaginas.

They're entitled to do that without any consequences, right.
Only women should bear the consequences for the risks of an act that exists to produce children.

And this dude is entitled to it without even acknowledging the op exists!
He wouldn't want to let his family know he's got a girlfriend (of two years) and deal with any responses to that, while he's getting his end away.

Was the OP as equally honest from the start that she wanted kids, or did she just assume he would be ok with it? She’s said she wanted a baby during her previous relationship.
I thought that it was a bad thing if children are introduced too early to a new partner, particularly as men always just want free childcare from the new partner, according to MN. The OP seems mostly happy for the situation.

From the OPs original post:

Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

You are so right!!!!!!

No, I did! I made the point that women can raise children successfully on their own without a male present.

Actually OP, are you sure you aren't further along in your pregnancy? If you were ill around Christmas and got pregnant then you would be much further along in your pregnancy than 7-8 weeks now. More like around 12 weeks.

I thought that it was a bad thing if children are introduced too early to a new partner

There's introducing and keeping secret.

She's been kept secret.

He could and should have told his kids and family he was seeing a woman from the minute they became steady.

In any case, after two years, it would not be too early to have introduced her either.

The situation with his kids exists because of his lack of honesty, integrity and responsibility.

Exactly this. Even with clinically perfect use the pill fails.

If he didn't want more children there were things he could do about that.

Don’t do an abortion you are not 100% sure about , specially for someone else and at your age , because you might not have another chance . He can adapt , he is choosing not to .

The OP seems mostly happy for the situation.

but I find it difficult being a secret

Clearly not.

If you think a single 47 year old is just looking for a carer for their old age, then you want to have a good look at your own ageism!

God forbid a man should have to inconvenience himself with a minimal operation.

Or not have 100% sensation on his cock during sex.

He had options, he chose not to take them. He chose to risk pregnancy with a decade younger woman. He can now man up.

Not that the op can make him do anything other than pay child maintenance.

And that's not going to be fantastic with two kids who are still under 18/21.

If he's self employed, he could also fuck around with CM.

I haven't read every single reply but the ones I have read I am concerned they are all centred around the OP and her wants and feelings. No consideration being given to the baby in this situation who may well be completely rejected by their father whilst he loves and dotes on his other children. That has to be seriously damaging and not a situation I would bring a child into.

@Firefly1987agree and also about having kids late in life. I read so many post here about having kids in 40s/50s but the reality is that no one really thinks about the impact on the child.

You're not being selfish because you want to keep your baby.

If your partner was so determined on not wanting any more children, he should have made his own contraceptive arrangements rather than relying on a method that can fail. There are condoms, he could have had a vasectomy and so on. He's being very selfish and cruel towards you at the moment.

Realistically, if he doesn't want you to have this baby and you go on to have a termination, the relationship will never be the same again and may not last much longer anyway. There will always be resentment that he stopped you from ever having your own child, whilst he happily has two from a previous relationship.
If you carry on with the pregnancy, he may leave you, or he might stay. People's attitudes change over time, and it may be that once he gets his head around things, it will be OK. Only time will tell....

One piece of advice I want to give you is that you should never terminate a pregnancy unless you are 100% sure it is what YOU want. If you are not sure, don't do it. Once it is done, it can't be undone and it is a decision you must live with for the rest of your life.

You have absolutely no idea they he'll "completely reject" the child.

Far more likely, in a two year relationship , that he'll just go along with things.

He's good at going along with things and not making any decisions himself. That's why he's in this position.

Yes, that's very true. People tend to think about the baby/toddler years but not the late teens when they will be OAPs (not OP in this case but the dad). Having gone through that stage with both of mine now I can say there is not a chance I would have done a good job of that in my 60s or 70s. It's a big disadvantage to the child in question.

No I am not saying 47 is old (I am a lot older than that myself) so no ageism here. I just think this man may be looking ahead to when his children are grown up and he wants someone to focus on making his life comfy, and eventually care for him in his old age.

That will all be upended once there is a baby to be prioritised instead of him.

I wonder whilst op is in turmoil about whether to have an abortion, this baby is possibly her last chance, the father has booked himself in immediately for a vasectomy? Surely he wouldn't expect her to go through such an experience without ensuring he couldn't put anyone else into position of having his unwanted children? cause he can keep making women pregnant for many years.

For those implying OP has secretly got "herself" pregnant with illness/pill failure are completely ignoring the guy having unprotected sex whilst adamant he doesn't want kids? He has literally fucked about and found out, now it's someone's else's problem, blame......the one who was taking contraception.

Our bodies our choice applies to men also. If they don't want kids, they have to do everything possible to stop that themselves, not rely on a 9 month long relationship partner to ensure they can retire at 60! That's irresponsible, uncaring, manipulative, towards partner and future children.

Both now have responsibility towards a child if OP decides to go ahead. Blaming one person for a baby is insane in a relationship. Unfortunately the woman bares the brunt whatever happens, which a nice caring, educated guy should take into concideration.

Unfortunately OP if your a secret, your baby probably will be too. So ensure you have proper maintenance sorted, what your entitled to and enjoy having your baby mostly to yourself, don't put his name on certificate ect so you can lead a life of freedom. If he doesn't want involvement - don't allow him to have a say where you live, holiday ect.

He was a man in his late 40s with 2 teenaged children. You don’t think maybe OP should have asked before he brought it up 9 months in?

Hey you’re nearly 50 & already I have kids…I’m in my 30s and don’t have kids but would like to, are we on the same page?

That would cover about half the population.

Significantly more than half if we include the planet.

She was probably seeing how the relationship went in the early stages. Probably didn't know if it would become long-term.

In any case, it doesn't matter when she asked (and he, equally could/should have clarified matters) ....he chose not to take any responsibility for contraception from his side whatsoever.
He had options he chose not to take.
He chose risk.
This is the consequence of risk.

So you would get rid of a pregnancy where the baby had one parent that loved and committed to it, just because it had one, and not two? Do you really think the baby would be thankful for being aborted and saved from not having two perfect parents? Why are people so insulting and disrespectful towards single mums? The baby does not need to have a father in its life!

There’s one absolutely fool proof way of not having any more children at 47 and that’s a vasectomy, but instead he put the onus on the woman. I believe the term is FAFO.

But I don’t think he’s an awful person from your first post.

Keeping the woman you're in a relationship with and having sex without condoms with - a secret from your kids (and ex? And family?) for two years does not exactly make you look like an honest, responsible person of integrity.

He's dishonest, selfish, disengenuous , and irresponsible.

Not sure if that qualifies as "awful" but ...