Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

Yes. The vicious misogyny on here is beyond disgusting!

It's ok to want the baby even if he doesn't op.

He can hardly be surprised that he's impregnated you given that you're only 37, you were ill and he hasn't taken any responsibility for contraception. If he had, you wouldn't be pregnant.

This might be your last chance to have a baby. Have the baby and plan for the fact you may be doing it alone.

You said deep down you want the baby, have the baby then! You are so lucky to get pregnant, despite being on contraception, at that age! It is a true gift. Your partner prioritises his OWN children, always will and that is right. You should prioritise your own children, and that is right too. The most miserable people I know are my childless female friends - male childless ones are not so, for some reason. You will have a whole wonderful world of your own with your child - a great unit, where nothing will come between you and you will know unconditional love, well, at least until teenage years. In fact, you will know what real love is, nothing like what you feel towards your elderly partner. Think now - what would you rather do in a few years - look after a fun, fulfilling child of your own - first steps, first class, first achievement or be a step-mother, pretending to be interested in your step-children and looking after an elderly man, who has no energy, because 'he has already done that, he is at this stage now that he has 'to sit at home and fart on your sofa'. No brainer! I would run from this 'relationship' where you email each other.

What? Why are you generalising to all women from this one particular example? To say all women are liars is ridiculous.

You clearly want to have this baby. Please do not abort because of him! You say you can manage on your own with the baby with support of your family. Hey, men come and go, but the baby may not happen again! Think about it. He isn't really that caring if there was not a single line about you and how you feel and what you want, it was all about him, how this will affect his life and his other children. I would tell him firmly what you want. He may or may not come around but this relationship may be doomed if you decided to abort anyways, you will forever hold the resentment. Do what you want and congratulations!

You misread my post. I said that is what the misogynists on here are saying! Not me!

Or,
The OP had no business going out with someone so much older (and who already has kids) without checking early on that he didn’t want more kids.

If the OP did it on purpose - congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Time to look out for yourself, not to pander to an elderly man and his precious children. The joy of a baby and then child in your life compares to nothing else - it is pure happiness, real joy. I wish I could explain (I can't) how elated you will feel with your child, your OWN child. A future with a geriatric boyfriend or a future with your own child?

As someone who did get pregnant when on the pill, it can and does happen. It's 99% effective when taken absolutely perfectly. I had a very bad tummy bug which was followed by a family member accident which meant I was off work and not taking at the same time every day.

Science itself shows that it's only 91% effective with typical use. Meaning 9 in 100 may become pregnant when taking it the way the typical woman does, hardly comparable to the Virgin Mary.

My strong advice to anyone on the pill who does definitely does not want to get pregnant is to take it absolutely perfectly and if you have a tummy bug use another form of contraception for a few weeks after.

Well he’s just had a dose of fuck around and find out. If his life would be ruined by another baby have the snip before having sex with a fertile female??? Oh wait no too much effort for him.

Boils my piss how it’s up to women. I wouldn’t keep the baby as it wouldn’t be fair on the baby, it would be for MY benefit not the babies and babies do deserve fathers.

I’d abort but also leave this fuckwit.

So he doesn't want more children? That's fine. But his plan to have the sex he wants and not have the snip or use condoms is not okay. Now he's pressuring his younger , secret partner to have an abortion she doesn't want.

I don't think he's a keeper op.

If you want your baby and are prepared to go it alone then please do that.

Funny how he can remember he doesn't want any more children but forgot to get himself a vasectomy so he could afford the luxury of not using condoms.

Do you want this baby? That is all that matters. If you do, then have your baby. If that means going it alone then so be it.

Be honest, did your contraceptive fail or did you deliberately/accidentally forget, did you not use extra protection following being sick even though you know that means it won’t be effective without telling him you have been unwell? (I presume men know this about the pill?)

if it was truly an accident then I think you have an option of going it alone as he’s made it clear, but if you deliberately got pregnant/ made a conscious decision to take the risk knowing you had been sick then it’s inexcusable.

The fact he told you no more kids for him makes it very suspicious to me, I know women who openly admit they did deliberately get pregnant in this sort of scenario.

Babies don't 'deserve' or need fathers. A loving mother is all that is needed.

Did he not imply he was open to more kids until 9 months in??

Even if he didn't, they both held equal responsibility for establishing whether he was open to having more kids early on.

And he held equal responsibility for preventing a pregnancy, which he could very easily have insured by getting a vasectomy. That would have been the most effective contraception. (The op was not going to have her tubes tied because she was a 35-37 yr old childless woman).

Condoms are also very effective if used correctly.

He took zero responsibility from his side. Therefore his much younger partner is now pregnant; that was always a risk

Anyway, I'm interested in why you think this man - who's lied by omission about a two year relationship to his own kids - would have been totally honest with the op at the start.

He doesn't sound very honest or upfront!!

Many men don't tend to be honest about things that prevent them from getting regular sex with decade younger women, especially when that women might walk off to someone else in the early stages. They are usually only honest after they think she's locked in.

If you are happy to do it alone then have your baby. Be prepared that he won’t stay in a relationship with you or that it may be too much given what he’s already said.
but many women do it alone and you shouldn’t be forced into an abortion if it’s what you want

I was in this position, and my ex DP used a lot of emotional manipulation around his children to get me to have an abortion. The emotional aftermath for me was horrendous, it took me years to recover and our relationship never did. The final nail in the coffin was a couple of years later when he admitted his worry was financial and not his children. He’d lied to me.
I thought by having the abortion I was choosing him, but it doesn’t work like that, I had not taken into account the impact on me.
I think that whatever decision you make, your relationship is changed already.
If you want this baby, have the baby. Your DP should have taken more responsibility and he will have to make his own decisions but you’re body, your choice.

👏👏👏

There is lots of evidence to say they do which is ignored because when a women wants a baby logical thinking goes out the window and it becomes all about them and not the life they go on to create

But he hasn’t taken any precautions himself. Women get pregnant by themselves now do they?

I can see where he’s coming from. Those are all the reasons I don’t want another child. I’d be absolutely gutted if I fell pregnant.

Of course he’s thinking about all these sensible things! What’s sad is when men don’t. So many men start a new family and forget all about the old one.

What you do from here is entirely up to you. Your body, your choice. But I don’t think he’s an awful person from your first post.

Bravo.

The post didn’t say anything about single parents. You have couples that are separated and are enthusiastic about raising their child. Stop looking for something to be offended about.

Agree

I can't be 100% sure (as of course I don't know your DP) but this sounds like yet another selfish man. As an older man, he probably had you lined up to take care of his needs in his old age, and this has scuppered his plans.

If he was adamant he didn't want more children he could have had a vasectomy. At the very least, he would have bothered to do his own research and would know himself that the pill may not work when the woman is sick (& taken appropriate proportions). I bet he didn't.

No it was much easier to make it all your responsibility. He doesn't get to 'freak out' now at you, or to be shocked, as if it is all a mystery to him how babies were made. And it does make me very sad to read how you dreaded telling him about the pregnancy and how that was well founded. It shouldn't be this way.

And as for those posters who imply that the OP, like a lot of women (apparently), lie about taking the pill to entrap poor unsuspecting men through pregnancy - they need to have a look at their internalised misogyny.