Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

Fed up with these men who are adamant they don't want more kids but expect a woman to keep taking hormones rather than have a simple snip themselves. Even worse is when they get with a childless woman and expect her to forego having her own family for their own wants.

If you want this baby (and at 37 it could well be your last chance) then have it OP. Go it alone if necessary, but make sure he steps up with his financial responsibility to the child. He could have taken steps to prevent a pregnancy because accidents do happen, and the pill occasionally fails.

It's not a betrayal for bc not to work. He knew she was ill, so at his age he should have known that increased the risk of a bc fail. But anyone his age should know bc isn't 100% at the best of times.

Women who take the contraceptive pill as directed get pregnant less than 1% of the time. So no, women don’t get accidentally pregnant “all the time”.

Do couples get carelessly pregnant all the time because they don’t double up on contraceptives? Or they aren’t diligent enough in the use of their contraception? Or they aren’t really that concerned about getting pregnant, if it happens it happens I’d actually quite like a baby? Yep. All the time.

I never said “women are liars who trap men and we never believe them”. That’s hyperbolic nonsense and you know it. & it prevents people from having a well rounded conversation about the issue.

Why anyone would want to “trap a man” is beyond me. I think we are all largely better off without them. I don’t think OP had any intention whatsoever of “trapping a man”. I don’t think this has anything whatsoever to do with a man. You’re the one taking it there.

I just think OP wanted a baby, knowing her partner didn’t, & so wasn’t overly diligent with her contraception so hey “if it happens it happens”, and it’s happened and her partner still doesn’t want a baby. Just like he said a year and a half ago.

He absolutely should have insisted on doubling up on contraceptives or he should have had a vasectomy. OP also should have been more diligent with her contraception. Both can be true.

But getting pregnant while on the pill when you’ve had 2 back to back bouts of illness isn’t an accident. It’s careless. You can say OP didn’t know her contraception wouldn’t be reliable in those circumstances but she should have. They both should have. As a nearly 40 year old adult you should know how the medicine be you take every day of your life, usually for decades, works.

I think he was trusting a grown woman to take her contraception properly. Or do we not do that..

I wonder how many couples have a conversation about contraception, which kind of implies that you both don’t want children, and decide that the woman going on the pill is the right decision, as I’m sure must have happened in this case. The OP didn’t say she was forced to take it. Surely that was the time to discuss whether having children could be a future choice?

So the man is assuming that the woman doesn’t want to get pregnant and is trusting her to take the pill correctly, and to let him know if she has D&V or something that will interfere with its effectiveness so that can take additional precautions.
But if it fails, then it is entirely his fault and he is supposed to be ecstatic with the announcement of the pregnancy.

Agree with others - you need to decide if you would want to have the baby as a single parent. If you would then have it. If he was that dead against it he should have had a vasectomy. It is a horrible, sad situation to be in but given you haven't yet met his children (fair enough given timelines) you don't know whether you and he would have lasted anyway. Hopefully he will step up and things can go well. If he doesn't, you will still have a beautiful baby to snuggle - if that's what you want.

He could equally have taken responsibility for his own sperm.

Or do we not do that?

@MagpiePido you actually believe that most men know that D&V can cause the pill to be ineffective? I’d say 80% haven’t a clue it would affect it at all.

Most men know very little about contraception in reality.

It takes two to tango, or do women magically get pregnant by themselves? You cannot abdicate all responsibility to someone else over something that you feel that strongly about. He clearly enjoys the sex but doesn’t want to deal with the consequences. Expecting a woman to abort a child due to inconvenience is revolting.

then it is entirely his fault

No it's both their faults.

HOWEVER if he can't even tell his existing kids about the existence of his partner (who he's having condom-less sex with) - then he should take more proactive responsibility for preventing pregnancy with that partner.

A small, simple op would have cut his risk down to almost zero.

Using condoms would have cut his risk down to almost zero.

He chose to do neither.

That is his fault.

@katandtwocats you say ‘I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family.’ I’m sorry but you only have control of part of this. You cannot make him accept your baby as ‘part of his family’. Please don’t have the baby as a way of making this happen. He’s already told you; it won’t. Believe him.

but as PPs have said. This baby could be the one. Don’t assume you’ll get another chance.

If you decide to stay pregnant, I think you need to assume you are likely to be a single mum. Plan on that basis. Whatever you decide, I suspect your relationship is over. Sorry.

Yes, he lazily put the responsibility on her when he could have had a vasectomy. That's our point.

As for the man, he knew perfectly well that he is with a younger woman who hasn't yet had a child and who never explicitly said that she doesn't ever want to have kids. In all honesty the relationship should have ended at least at that 9 month mark (if not earlier) when he said he doesn't want any more children. It doesn't matter if you get along and share interests, if your goal in mid-late 30s was to have a baby then this man was not for you to start with. Nor is he the right man for you now.

No I won’t say “I think women are liars who trap men” because I don’t. At all. & I never insinuated otherwise.

Women are unique and complex individual humans, not a monolith. I am giving my take on this SPECIFIC situation and this situation ONLY.

I also never, at all, claimed to think OP was trying to “trap a man”. If anything this will send him running! If she wanted to “trap” him getting pregnant was the last thing she should have been aiming for when he made it clear he was done having children.

I merely think OP was careless with her contraception. Knew she was being careless but didn’t really care because she’d actually quite like to have a baby so if it happens it happens. Can you honestly say that NEVER happens and every unplanned pregnancy is entirely accident? You know you can’t. Taken correctly the pill fails less than 1% of the time and there are a helluva lot more unplanned pregnancies than less than 1%! So sometimes we have to accept that these pregnancies are not in fact “accidents” but carelessness from adults who should know better. BOTH adults involved.

More men should have vasectomies. I've already sent a message to a male friend who's decided he doesn't want kids but is on the dating scene that he should do this asap (this will probably fall on deaf ears).

However if your partner tells you they've taken the necessary steps to prevent pregnancy I don't think it's irresponsible to believe them. If a man I was in a committed relationship with told me he'd had a vasectomy I would not expect to get pregnant. I personally would have continued to take the pill but I can imagine another woman who had worse side effects choosing to come off it, in that scenario, and if the man was lying or the vasectomy wasn't 100% effective I wouldn't blame her.

What you're saying is that people shouldn't trust their partners. That may be sensible but it's depressing.

OP, he doesn’t want a wife or a family - as far as he’s concerned, he’s already got that, so he had you comfortably installed as his mistress, which is clearly not what you want. Your reactions tell me that you want to keep this pregnancy, so you are going to have to work out how, if the worst comes to the worst, you can go it alone. Do you have any family support? Friends who could help? You need to tell your DP that you are keeping this baby, and give him time to process this, and if he decides to leave so be it. You say he is a loving and devoted father - ask him how he would feel about getting rid of one of his existing children and say this is how you feel about this pregnancy. If he is a decent chap, he may come round - and if he doesn’t, you’re better off without him.

Why wasn’t he dating a 47 year old himself- then he would have been at a similar life stage as that woman, ie no more children.

I also think it’s strange that after 2 years you are still a “secret” - why? OP is he definitely divorced?

Your partner should have had a vasectomy if he didn't want any more children.
However you are pregnant now.
I think if you do choose to have the baby - it could go any way. Your partner may change his mind completely when he see your changing shape, feels the baby or is present at the birth.
Or he could finish the relationship promise to help you financially (but not actually emotionally or as a parent). Or there are several scenarios that could happen.
if you want a baby, then 37 isnt exactly your last chance but it might be.
I think if you do go ahead yoive got be prepared that you will be parenting alone, apart from wider family or friend help.
I'm assuming you don't live together.
I'd start getting your finances in order, you say in your post that you recently started a new job - check if you qualify for full maternity pay, you can do that on a government website and presumably your company has a handbook or policy. You should not have to ask (if you do not want to alert your employers just yet). Have you seen a midwife/GP? Look into the practicalities of having this baby 'alone'. If you decide you are going ahead tell your partner that is what you're going to do.
Good Luck x

That works both ways.

If OP wanted a family she shouldn’t have been dating a 47 year old who already had a family and said he didn’t want anymore kids.

Sweeping generalisation about men there, but you could equally say most women don’t realise either. The OP only seems to have made the connection after the fact.

She could easily have said she’d had D&V and she’d not been taking the pill consistently while having flu and they needed to take extra precautions.

A man checking up on whether a woman was taking the pill correctly would be weird and controlling, but he is the bad guy for trusting her here.

If he feels betrayed perhaps he should have used a condom or had a vasectomy. He is old enough to know the pill fails especially if you're ill.
It doesn't really matter what he wants OP. If you want this baby that's what matters. If you have an abortion for him you'll probably end up splitting up anyway because you'll feel resentful. So you need to go with what you want. He may step up and be a good dad but don't rely on that.

However if your partner tells you they've taken the necessary steps to prevent pregnancy I don't think it's irresponsible to believe them

You can believe them.

You can also factor in that sometimes contraception fails.

Some women's bodies override the pill.

You can also factor in that humans are not infallible.

The op thought her pill would still work and her symptoms weren't bad enough to reduce its effectiveness- but maybe they were.

He had options to take some responsibility onto himself.

A simple op.
Using condoms.

He chose to do neither.

Believing a partner is using contraception (in his case a "partner" you won't even acknowledge exists to your kids/family, hmmm) is not mutually exclusive with taking personal, proactive responsibility for your own body/fertility/reproductive capacity.

@gannett
They should, except they know that if they are single and have had a vasectomy and are targeting younger women in a highly competitive dating pool, they would immediately drop to the bottom of the competition for younger women who have not had kids yet. These men know this too well.

@Hwi your hyperbolic rhetoric on here is not only misleading - ‘having a baby is the only way to know unconditional love, every minute will be a joy’ to someone who will likely be raising a child alone with all the stresses that comes with as well as they joys - but offensive. 47 is not geriatric and how you referred to abortion is extremely harmful not only to OP who may still choose that route but to anyone else who has gone down that path and may struggle with it.

If you want the baby, have the baby. Obviously bear in mind when you make the decision that you may have to do it as a single mum if he doesn’t want to continue in the relationship if you choose to keep the baby. He should have been ultra careful and used condoms in addition to you being on the pill if he was so adamant about no more children, rather than leaving the contraceptive burden on you.
What will you regret more - having the baby and losing the relationship or terminating the pregnancy and possibly never having a child?