Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

She clearly DIDN'T KNOW the contraceptive pill wouldn't work when she was ill!!!

And again, if this were a ploy, she wouldn't have ORDERED ABORTION PILLS!!!!!

This 100%. Be open with him, expect the relationship to gradually cool and be prepared to be a single mum but he will need to support the baby financially (like it or not!). Good luck x

He did…they’ve only been together a year and he told her right away he absolutely
doesn't want any more kids but she stayed with him anyway because “she wasn’t ready to go through another break up” & lo and behold she accidentally ended up pregnant anyway. What are the chances eh?

He's very clear in what he (doesn't) want, and personally I think his reasons are valid although he maybe should have been responsible for contraception in that case. You need to get clear in what you want, regardless of whether you stay in the relationship or not.

When you know what you 100% want (and I think you do, based on your OP), then you have a proper conversation with him to work out what the logistics of it will be.

If you want the baby and he very firmly doesn't, walk away from each other. If he's willing to pay maintenance (and a decent man would), accept that l. But unless he has a very strong change of heart, the relationship will crack under the pressure of a baby he doesn't want down the road anyway.

If you decide you don't want the baby (valid choice, entirely yours to make, don't listen to anyone who says it's not), then you need to be sure that you can stay in this relationship and not end up resenting him over it.

I hope you make the right choice for you. Thinking of you.

If your DP thinks that a baby would ruin his life, he absolutely should have taken some responsibility for contraception and either got a vasectomy (which seems like the obvious solution for a man with kids who definitely doesn't want any more) or used condoms.

If you want to keep the baby, you should. You need to decide whether you would want to to this a single parent if your DP ended the relationship.

Exactly this.

He's clearly stating his wants and needs. You need to do the same now. Don't feel guilty about his older kids - not your problem. What do YOU want to do? You may not get another chance. Having the baby will be hard, but get your support network around you and be prepared to be a single mum. Good luck OP.

Realistically though, the pill doesn't "fail", not really. There's always going to be someone who is the exception to that rule, but if you take it religiously it works

Afaik some women's bodies can override the pill.

Mm no, he told her 9 months in, did he not.

After he got her invested and attached.

She never said she didn't want children though. That's the difference. He did, so he should have acted to stop it.

And it's his sperm that gets women pregnant. Women go through childbirth. The LEAST a male can do is get the snip from stopping his sperm entering her body.

But of course, people will always look for ways to absolve the men of any responsibility.

I think people are naive to believe everything an OP writes word for word. To me OP does a lot of over explaining.

This OP could have read “accidentally pregnant. Partner had made it clear he doesn’t want more children. I’d like a child. WWYD”?

But noooo she was ill! Not once but twice! & yes she did know he doesn’t want kids and she does, but she’s had crappy relationships so didn’t want another break up despite being 37 and he’s so niiiice.

& she honestly has properly considered an abortion…she even ordered the pills! So will you all tell me it’s ok to keep the baby now???

& yes of course it’s ok to keep the baby. OP clearly wants the baby. But let’s not be naive. There’s “not knowing” your pill wouldn’t work while very ill (twice!) & there’s knowing but not caring because your 37, your parter is lovely and you’d like a baby but he wouldn’t so plausible deniability.

I say there’s no question-have the baby if that’s what you want which seems the case. Do NOT let a man dictate what you can do with YOUR body. If you have to do it alone, yes it will be difficult, but that’s better than spending the rest of your life mourning what could have been. ❤️

Are there really people out there having sex while they have a D&V bug?

Good question you should pose to him OP 👏👏👏

Why doesn’t he just get a vasectomy???

That was my first thought…. (Misses point of thread)

Women accidentally get pregnant all the time...

Not sure what your point is other than to spew the misogynistic 'women are liars who trap men and we never believe them' line.

Or she did know. The OP is in her mid-30s, she's not some naive 16 year old. She also wants a baby and her new partner is much better than her ex.

The bloke is a selfish idiot for not using condoms/having a vasectomy there is no doubt about it. He had a responsibility to take care of his own fertility. But let's not pretend the OP is just an innocent victim of circumstance. She wanted a baby and she made it happen

All those thinking the OP did it on purpose and pointing to “evidence”… honestly it’s kind of irrelevant.

She is pregnant and has a decision to make. The decision should be made based on whether she wants to keep the baby or not. That isn’t changed by whether the pregnancy was accidental or on purpose.

So stop with the amateur detective work.

I think they say to use additional protection for a week after as it takes a while for the pill to start working effectively in your body again afterwards.

Op probably wasn't actually having diarrhoea and vomiting while having sex, more likely she experienced that the day before.

This is my read on the situation, too.

OP, keep the baby if you want the baby. But you’re living in a fantasy if you think your partner will come round and be as good a Dad to the new baby as he is to his current children.

He’s already told you he’s too old. If you stay together, he’s going to plead tiredness and not step up and pull his weight with the child.

He’s already told you his financial priority is his current children. Don’t be surprised that he doesn’t buy everything you were hoping for the baby and your life together.

Keep the baby if you want but be realistic that this is either going to be a relationship that starts from a place of resentment and you always feeling like you and your baby come second to his first family, or the relationship doesn’t make it and you end up doing it alone.

I’ve been pregnant with a baby my DH didn’t want and it is a major challenge for the relationship which never goes away (my DH came around and then I had a miscarriage!). You have to make the right decision for you. You can find another partner but it sounds like this is your chance for a baby which may never happen again. Hard decision but I know which one I would choose!

Yet more misogynistic 'women are liars'. If posters don't put enough information and they need to clarify later, they are 'drip-feeding'. If they include everything in one go, they are 'over explaining'. Just say you think women, who have been having unplanned pregnancies since the dawn of time - are liars who trap men and be done with it.

He's nearly half a century old.

He's way more than old enough to take responsibility for himself.

If he strongly didn't want more kids, he should have gotten a vasectomy or used condoms.

Or he should stick to women who are past child bearing age.

Instead, he picks women ten years younger.
He didn't get a vasectomy.
He didn't use condoms.

His lack of responsibility for himself is not anyone else's problem.

As for his teenage children losing trust in him; he's the one who's kept a two year relationship a secret. from them. So any loss of trust would be his own fault.

Again, he should have been more honest and responsible. That's his fault and his problem.

Sounds like he kept you secret, so he was happy to have you as a partner, happy to have have sex with you etc. but entirely on his terms, secret from his kids (and ex?) and family presumably.
That's not a nice way to treat someone. That's very unfair and selfish, lacking integrity.

Tbh you were too soft/unassertive/naive to go along with that.
There is no good reason a man should be keeping you secret. He doesn't get the advantages of a relationship if he can't acknowledge the relationship.

Do what you want re. the pregnancy.

Because the way this man has acted to date has been irresponsible, selfish, unfair, cowardly etc.

Oh and I think it's no coincidence he waited 9 months to tell you he didn't want more kids. Cause you probably wouldn't have dated him and had sex with him if he'd been honest at the start.
He wanted a decade younger woman on his arm and in his bed. He got one. This is one of the consequences of having that .... especially when you're too irresponsible to get a vasectomy or put a rubber on your knob.

Human beings are naturally selfish OP, but your partner is way more selfish than you.