Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

Then all the more reason for people to NOT be pressuring her into either decision.

I would always choose the baby above all else

I think they're doing it because she's said she wants kids ..but is in the position of being pressured and manipulated into aborting a child when she's in the last 3 years of "good" fertility.

I can't blame them for that.

This is such a tough one OP. Ultimately it is your choice and if you do want a child then time is probably against you. But you need to make your decision based on the facts here (not some idealised scenario where he suddenly integrates you into his life and plays happy families) and you will have to accept that he has been clear he does not want this child.

If you keep it, it is highly likely that he will end up resenting both you and the child. It could very well lead to the breakdown of your relationship, so I would personally plan my choices based on the worst case scenario.

Can you raise this child alone with no practical support from him and very limited financial help (he may of course help financially support the child willingly, but bear in mind the level of CMS is appallingly low which will be lowered even more if he has two other children) ? Can you deal with explaining matters to your child and supporting a child with no present/willing father and the issues that will bring ?

I am a lone parent, with no practical or financial help at all and it a hard, relentless road. Of course I love my children and wouldn't change a thing, but it is so hard, I cannot stress enough.

I would personally have an adult conversation with him about what it would look like if you were to keep the child. I'd take what he was saying with a pinch of salt however, as he can always back out of any support offered, but it may help you make your decision. And if you can't be brave and have these have these adult conversations, you're going to have to learn if you need to potentially step up on your own for a child.

And as a side point, it's all well and good throwing the whole "he should have used contraception if he didn't want another child" argument about, but it doesn't help matters because he has clearly stated that he does not want another child. The fact he did not use a condom just makes him an idiot, but it won't change his feelings on the matter and suddenly make him want this child. The OP also could have used a more reliable method of contraception or made him aware she had been ill and there was a risk/need for condoms due to her illness.

If you do decide not to keep it, it has to be your decision. But you may well end up resenting him for not giving you the whole "happy family" situation you want in order to have a child. Which could also signal the end of your relationship.

You also would need to then decide if having a child is actually what you want in the future. If it is, then I'd end this relationship and look for someone else. If not, then you are free to carry on with this relationship, but maybe some counselling to help with the aftermath of this tough choice and a look at contraceptive choices for the future.

Good luck OP - such a hard position to be in. But don't either of you focus on how you got here, you are here and need to make this decision. And while it is always ultimately a woman's decision (as it should be), you cannot force him to agree with your decision and you do have to deal with the consequences of it.

But pressuring someone into having a baby when they are likely to end up a sole parent with no physical or emotion support (and maybe financial given her DPs comments) from the father is as bad as pressuring her into having an abortion.

OP knows what she wants. She knows what she can handle. She knows whether she wants to handle it. But if she's vulnerable at the moment, playing on the "baby is important", "last year's of good fertility", etc isn't actually helping her advocate for herself. It's just opposite pressure.

Go and stay with family and think about yourself for a weekend.
The relationship is likely over either way.
Your decision is about you and your unborn child.

Do you have emotional and practical support for yourself should you choose to have a baby and not live with it's father?

The partner in a sexual relationship who definitely doesn't want a baby should be the one to take steps to ensure that a baby isn't conceived.

You obviously think that the OP is lying and deliberately got pregnant. I disagree with you. However, a man who is in a relationship with a much younger woman, who doesn't tell them that he doesn't want any more children until they are nine months into the relationship should be super careful to avoid any unplanned pregnancy by taking his own precautions such as using condoms or getting a vasectomy.

Firstly congratulations and secondly sorry I haven't read all the replies. Your partner has 7 months to adapt to the news and it might take him that long to get to grips with the situation. You want your baby so abortion isn't something to think anymore about. Carry on with your life as per usual and be open to him coming to his own decision about the relationship when he's ready.

Like I've already said i would choose to have the baby. That's because i always wanted a child more than a partner. However, if you do this you need to realise you're likely to lose the relationship. I would choose the baby knowing this was the case. If he does stay with you he may well be an unwilling and resentful father which will cause you stress and unhappiness. If he leaves you and has no involvement, you'll have a child who grows up without a father and they may well feel sad about this.
I would still have the baby but go into it with your eyes open!

I haven’t RTFT but I suspect I’m saying what many others have. If he knew he never wanted another child he should have taken responsibility and had a vasectomy. I have no sympathy for him, even less so when he is using his existing children to try and emotionally blackmail you into having an abortion, a more invasive medical procedure than a vasectomy.

Take his preferences out of your decision as he may well end this relationship whatever you decide. His email is all about him, not you or your relationship. He may have already lived that part of his life but you haven’t. Your decision needs to be what you want to do now that you are pregnant, either choice affects you more than anyone else.

He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

He was apparently doing nothing to reduce the possibility of pregnancy though, because having sex without a condom on was more important to him. Let alone if he was soooo sure he doesn't want any more children he could have had a vasectomy. So if they do "lose trust" in him (how manipulative is that language!) then that's on him.

Take his opinions on what you should do out of the equation. His opportunity for having input into this is long gone, and it's his responsibility that he didn't take that opportunity when he still had it.

No guarantee you'll stay together, whether you abort or keep.

You want the baby? Keep the baby.

As other posters have said, I think you should consider what works for you and what you want and then take that decision to your partner.

I actually really disagree with people saying “if he cared so much he shouldn’t have had sex / should have got a vasectomy” as an aside. I think he was right to feel pretty safe given you were on contraception- that doesn’t make it your fault of course but it also doesn’t make him unreasonable for wanting to have sex and not have a child.

Wishing you all the best, whatever you decide to do x

It’s not a pet. Deliberately producing a new human being with a begrudging, disinterested or disengaged father is reprehensible.

People who want children should find partners who do, not spend years having sex with someone who’s past all that.

No because the woman was open to having a baby so there's not a problem. Also if he knew they were faulty and didn't tell her, that would be deceit, and that would be his fault. There has no deceit here in OP's situation.

I’m speaking from experience, to keep the baby and just expect no involvement from him at the minute. To bury his head. Even when baby comes, don’t expect him to fall in love with them immediately.
Leave him and carry on with your pregnancy. Tell everyone what’s happened, that you’re single and pregnant and get a support network in place, midwives, friends, family. Give him this 7 months to come to terms with it.
It took my ex about a year after baby was born to accept his new life, with 2 children (he already had a DC) he struggled to juggle it all but he has an amazing bond with our little one now. You’ve got to be strong but you can do this

Deliberately producing a new human being with a begrudging, disinterested or disengaged father is reprehensible.

There are an awful lot of families out there where the father appeared keen and it only became apparent that the father was begrudgung and disinterested after the child was born and the real work started. At least the OP knows what she’s getting into.

I think being ill with something which can (and clearly did) cause contraceptives to fail and not taking steps to rectify that is deceit. If it were other way around we’d be up in arms.

She DIDN'T KNOW being ill would affect the contraception! So how is it deceit?

And if it were truly deceit, she wouldn't have ordered ABORTION PILLS!!!

Where is the evidence she deliberately produced a new human being? What is reprehensible, is using the misogynistic trope that women are liars who trap women, instead of accepting that contraception can fail, and it doesn't make the woman a demon succubus who traps men.

The fact that illness can cause the Pill to stop working shouldn’t just be on women to know - trusting someone to remember to take contraception is a risk and if a man does not 100% want children they need to take responsibility themselves by using condoms abstaining or having a vasectomy. Otherwise you are placing it in the hands of another and of the gods. 9 out of 100 people on the pill have unintended pregnancies per year mainly due to misuse - so failure is fairly common.

then having had the discussion is seems fairly clear that the OP may well lean towards keeping the baby

I don't think they're pressuring her into having a baby.

They're just giving their insight, often as mothers.

(And a useful counter balance to the pressure her partner is putting on her).

The right thing to do is to put yourself front and centre of this story. Soul search and find out what you most want.