Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

That would have been the decision she had to make, him or potential future children.

Instead the decision she's having to make is him or a very real pregnancy she might actually want, and she didn't need to be in that position. Wouldn't be in that position if a man who did not want more children had taken responsibility for himself.

But it doesn't matter, because that's all hypotheticals and this is her real life, now, with very real consequences whatever decision she makes.

If you want the baby, have it. Most people never regret their children, but you will regret not doing it if deep down you want it. If you have an abortion for him your relationship will be dead in the water anyway, as you'll resent him.

Don’t feel you have to defer to him OP just because he’s older and has already has his parenthood opportunities.

Men like he sounds can be lovely, but you do eventually discover they’re not really doing commitment the way you are. He clearly has his family and wants to keep you at the edge. But you don’t have a family. That’s why you
want to be introduced to his/be part of things/or have a baby. You shouldn’t be denied this.

I think the fact he’s decent to his kids is a good sign even if you decide to have the baby and break up. It means he’ll help financially and also be ok if he does choose a role in their life.

If I were you I’d have the baby (even knowing what I now know as 40-something lone mum).

The op wants children.

She was horrified at 9 months into the relationship when he decided to be clear about not wanting more.

(I don't know why she didn't dump and move on then tbh.
Not got strong enough boundaries and self esteem following a toxic relationship).

Yes, a woman who has decided against having a child (or another child) should take her own precautions against it. It wouldn't be her fault if both methods failed, but at least she's not making someone else responsible for her choice. No one should do that.

I think the fact he’s decent to his kids is a good sign

He's not actually.

If he was decent to his kids he'd have been honest about having a partner for two years and wouldn't be broad siding them with news of him impregnating a woman they didn't even know existed.

He's taking the piss asking the op to think of his existing children too. The children that she hasn't even met because he's keeping her at arms length after 2 years. This man really is a piece of work.

Would that be her fault for not being sterilised or on the pill?

A woman who has decided definitively that she does not want more kids should at best get her tubes tied, and at the very least use a couple of forms of contraception.

Condoms can fail, without it being known about.

They're not enough on their own, if it will be disastrous if you fall pregnant. There's the injection, the implant, pills, IUDs. I would absolutely expect her to be using one of those, not relying on condoms only.

💯

But she chose to stay knowing there was a possibility of no children. Which means her "want" for children is different to PPs who said that the important thing was she'd have a baby and she couldn't imagine life without children. Maybe OP could imagine that life, and that's why she didn't dump him immediately. Maybe now she's decided she can't imagine that life, or maybe she still can and that's why she's struggling with the decision.

Anyone else's feelings don't matter here. Only OP knows exactly how she feels about it and comments like "the important thing is you'll have a baby" are quite pressuring.

Have the baby, leave the selfish idiot.

But she chose to stay knowing there was a possibility of no children. Which means her "want" for children is different to PPs who said that the important thing was she'd have a baby and she couldn't imagine life without children

Do you really think the op has been making authentic/true to herself, assertive, strategic decisions?

Staying with a man who's kept her secret for two years ...even though it makes her unhappy.

She's not built herself up from the "bad" relationships.

She's not been advocating for herself.

If you don't keep the baby I can't see the relationship lasting anyway, or if it did it would be forever tainted by sadness. Meeting his kids would be hard. Happy moments like when he has grandkids would probably be so sad for you.

Do what's right for you OP.

Anyone else's feelings don't matter here. Only OP knows exactly how she feels about it and comments like "the important thing is you'll have a baby" are quite pressuring

She appears to want a child, from what she's said.

And you know she hasn't been doing those things? 100%? I agree she probably hasn't been but they are choices she still made. She could have chosen differently, she didn't.

My point still stands though. She has a decision to make now, and people telling her that babies are the only important thing won't help her decide what she wants.

I struggle so hard to understand what people post about this issue. There’s another thread where a woman is being berated for introducing her partner to her kids and people are boasting about having whole long relationships without ‘imposing them on the kids’ and being applauded for it. The idea there seems to be you should, once divorced, keep all relationships secret lest they bother the children. But in this instance he should have introduced her.

Fwiw I tell my kids about my relationships, but just don’t give men a ‘role’, iyswim. That would be the big decision I would take.

See my previous response.

Absolutely! The kids will feel completely blindsided by this (because they are) so it will just make it an us (him and his current kids) against them (OP and her child) situation. There is no doubt his loyalty is with his current kids, not OP.

@katandtwocats So sorry to read the dilemma you are in, but I agree with others, you have to decide what YOU want and take it from there.

One thing I would add though - when considering if you could cope as a single parent, if you have only just started a new job, consider if you will be entitled to Statutory Marernity pay / finances.

It does sound like you want this baby, and there will be ways for you to manage, if you decide to go it alone, but give yourself time to think through all the pros and cons before making a final decision. Your hormones will be all over the place just now too.

Since he's not honest or upfront to his kids, I'd say his loyalty is actually to himself.

@emilysgoldskirt it's fine and advisable to not involve your kids in every relationship you have, especially if you have no intention of having children or living together. In this case, the children will be having a sibling because of their dad's mistake. I don't think his plan was ever to blend families and that is why his kids don't know about OP. He was just spending time with a much younger woman. It has backfired.

Oh, yes you are right.

And you know she hasn't been doing those things? 100%? I agree she probably hasn't been but they are choices she still made. She could have chosen differently, she didn't.

From the op's posts, she has not been prioritising herself and her needs/wants/goals.

She had a history of bad relationships... One long "toxic" one.
She really did not need to then get involved with a selfish older man who doesn't want more kids (but wasn't upfront about that early on) and who's keeping her a secret.

That's a sign she's not been capable of advocating for herself.

There’s nothing wrong with having a discreet relationship. His kids aren’t entitled to know about his social life.

There is if you haven't had the snip, don't use condoms and are spunking your baby batter up a woman of child bearing age on a regular basis.

Then you end up in this position...or rather your kids do.