Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

Sorry, am a bit slow - I just realised, so he thought it was OK to have his pleasure (sex) when the OP was suffering from the effects of norovirus or whatever - how considerate in all respects! A prince amongst men! As long as it suits him, in all respects again!

Given he is 47 and you are late 30s the possibility of disabilities increases significantly. Would you be ok to take that risk, probably as a single mother?

I've sent you a DM, OP.

If you want the baby, and you go ahead with the abortion, you will regret it for the rest of your life. I’ve had a termination - it was completely the right decision - but it took its toll emotionally. I already had two children, too.

What is also concerning is that you say you are a secret. Does he live with you? Is he fully committed to you or could he be still in some sort of relationship with his children’s mother?

I have just had a baby at 42. There are checks that can be done at a very early stage. 37 is not too old at all and the increase in risk is minimal.

I wouldn't have one with him, he was being reckless and selfish by not having the snip. Forcing an unplanned pregnancy on someone causes irreparable resentment. It might be masked for years, but it will come out.

I ld terminate and walk away from him.

If I was you (and I'm not), I'd have the baby and risk losing the relationship. To me, a child is more important and this may be your last chance. I only say this as I have several friends who tried to find a father for the babies from their mid-30s and it just didn't happen. I think you'd always regret not having it .
It's entirely up to your partner whether he's involved or not.

This ! If you are having sex, unless one of you has had surgery to stop pregnancy, then there is always a risk. Contraception is never infallible. Terminating a pregnancy is obviously a difficult thing to go through for any woman, but terminating a wanted pregnancy is traumatising . I have several friends who did this, when boyfriends pressured them into an abortion, it was always a massive mistake because each of them wanted the baby, and it affected them emotionally for years. My two closer friends who did this haven’t been pregnant again, which has made it even more painful.
It is possible he is having a massive wobble but will accept things over time. I do know quite a few men who had an initial panic but who are good fathers now. I remember feeling a bit panicked when I got pregnant, even though it was planned and a much wanted baby, it is such a huge thing, I was worried I might not be up to the responsibility, so I think it’s a common response . If you want the baby, keep the baby. He will have to start looking at the positives not just the negatives, and while it might not be ideal for him, life is like that, things happen, we adjust and make the best of it. So if he really is a decent man then it might not be the end of things between you, just a tricky patch of adjustment. After two years it’s about time you met his children etc. He sounds a bit stuck and scared of rocking the boat. Maybe he tends to overthink things and think negatively, but now he has to face the situation. Tell him you are absolutely not going through a termination.

and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship

Op, in the wider context, I'd say you are actually in another bad/toxic relationship.

Because it's not normal, healthy or respectful or fair to keep a "partner" a secret from your kids, family etc.

You say it's nice it's just been you two but also that you're (entirely naturally) unhappy about it .

You have been accepting much much less than you should have.

You should have been acknowledged as his girlfriend/partner to everyone (you didn't have to be introduced in the early stages but should certainly have been known about).

I'm sorry to be so blunt but that secrecy and compartmentalisation and lack of acknowledgment is him acting very disrespectfully and unfairly towards you ...and very selfishly and sneakily in general.

I have a general rule "if you can't introduce me as your girlfriend, your dick doesn't get introduced to my p*ssy".

It's all been about his convenience, about what suits him. About him getting what he wants while you're kept on the down low, on the side lines. He has had to make absolutely none of the necessary "sacrifices" to have you...like facing his kids, ex and family and being honest about having a partner.

He's cowardly & selfish.

You've been being mistreated.

He was also very happy to be ambiguous about having more kids for nearly a year, until you were invested & attached - before he'd be upfront about not wanting more kids.

That was sneaky too in my book.

The whole scenario of having kids but expecting you to have none is extremely selfish too. He doesn't give a fuck if you don't get want you want in life (a family of your own) as long as he gets what suits him.

Now he appears to think you, his secret "partner" who he's happy to fuck without condoms, should just trot off to the abortion clinic, for his convenience too.

Do you really think you're bring treated respectfully and fairly by this man?

Yon got into another unhealthy, unfair relationship.

Aside from the pregnancy issue, seriously .... Fuck him. Start looking out for yourself, start valuing yourself.

Ask yourself the question when you get to sixty: Which one of these two people will still be in my life? The bloke? Or, the baby as a thirty year old? However, hard, I know which one I would choose and it would not be the bloke. A relationship can end on the turn of a penny coin.

I can see both sides. My youngest is almost 17 and I wouldn’t want to go back to that stage. But you clearly want this baby. Don’t let him guilt trip you into aborting. You could abort this baby for him, and the relationship could end anyway. Do what you want. Whether he is in the babies life physically will he his choice, but legally he will have to pay maintenance.

Since he didn’t want more children, did he get the snip? If not, then surely it can’t be that much of a shock..he’s in his late 40s for goodness sake, plenty young enough to be a dad again.

Make your decision, but don’t feel bad for him or guilty for the contraception having failed.

It is a possibility. You know no better than me how this will play out, weird you seem so sure it won't be the scenario I presented. Very realistic and damaging foreseeable scenario that needs to be considered.

Would the OP have stayed with him if he’d actually had a vasectomy, or was she subconsciously hoping there might be an accident one day?

There are so many men like this,middle aged "been there,done that" with children .They dont seem to mind plenty of practise of how babies come about though! I think deep down most women want children ,at 37 your Bio clock is loudly ticking, and if you want a baby this is the right (and maybe only time for you).He may change his mind and support you, but if not lots of people are SP and cope very well

Mr Easy Life isn't going anywhere.

He'll just go along with things when he realises he can't pressure and manipulate the op into an abortion.

He'll tell his kids and ex that it's much newer than it is (their relationship) so he'll look like less of a liar and less sneaky.

He ain't pulling another ten years younger woman easily, at nearly 50 with three kids by two different mothers, two still not finished school and one a baby/toddler ...so he'll probably stick rather than exit.

(He'll also look like a complete bastard to everyone if they know he has a kid and that he doesn't see them so ...)

Good god, what a stupid and irresponsible man.

OP you've got what you wanted, a baby on the way, but realise you'll be raising it alone and always fighting for attention, money etc from him, which is sad for you and the baby.

He'd resent you so badly if he stayed with you, so he'll move on to someone else.

But you'll have a baby and i couldnt imagine a life without children.

You have a responsibility to the child you've created. He does too, but he is able to walk away from it because men don't gestate. So I'm afraid you'll have to make your first choice as a mother without the child's father input, because he clearly is an inmature and reckless individual.

ETA: I should have said that he is able to walk away because he is a male. A real man doesn't walk away from his children.

You can't imagine a life without children. But it's a perfectly valid life for anyone who wants that life. Don't pressure people into having a baby that they may not want or may derail their life just because you always wanted children.

We can talk all day long about the circumstances in which the op's pregnancy happened , but ultimately it's her decision now.

I remember telling my (now) grown up son very clearly that once it leaves your body you've very little say in what happens , so use adequate protection. In the op's case her partner showed up with a loaded gun then complained when there were consequences. He really should know better. He had options but didn't take them.

Well you ever stop blaming women and insinuating OP's a liar? We get it, you defend men and think women are manipulative liars who trap men. But please, JUST STOP!

@MagpiePithats a whole other story though, he would have been taking control of his future by having a vasectomy. Hopefully OP would know and make her own choices about the relationship, either way, there would be no baby . Exactly how the guy wants it, he had the ability to make his future how he wanted it, but he ignored his own responsibility and relies on a someone else to achieve that, someone's mental and physical health. As I said earlier he should at least have his appointment booked already to ensure this doesn't happen with his next partner, it would certainly help his claim he doesn't want more kids, save another woman being in this position.

What a load of rubbish. Must be horrible living in your cynical, paranoid world.

Do we no longer take precautions for ourselves and leave it all up to others? That's like never wearing a seatbelt because you think it's up to the driver to keep you safe.

Would you say this about a woman who got pregnant because her partner realised he used faulty condoms and didn't tell her? Would that be her fault for not being sterilised or on the pill? Or should you be able to trust a partner to safely use the contraception you have agreed on and tell you if there's a chance it has failed?