Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

Have your child. If he didn’t want kids he could have had the snip or used condoms but I’m guessing this was too much effort for him. You’ll manage fine with a child.

100%.

These men want younger women.

They don't get vasectomies cause that would severely cut down their dating and sexual prospects.

They won't be honest about definitely not wanting more kids - in the early stages - because that would severely cut down their dating & sexual prospects.

I suspect you are correct, unfortunately. There is no thought of how this affect the woman in question, or any future unwanted children.

He has no right to feel betrayed. If he didn’t want a baby he should have done something about it. Contraception isn’t just the responsibility of the woman.

OP, why did you wait 9 months to have a conversation about children with a man who is 10 years older than you and who already has two teenegers? In your shoes I would have assumed he wouldn’t want more kids, but you seem to have assumed he would want them.

Guess you missed the words 'who may well be'

There is only one reasonable way forward based on what you say OP. You have to continue with this pregnancy. You clearly want that and do not want to abort. If you do end the pregnancy you will be full or regret and resentment and the relationship almost certainly won’t last anyway. Equally if you go forward it may not last, but you shouldn’t feel guilty about going ahead because your partner doesn’t want another child. He had the option to prevent another child by not having sex or using extra contraception, but he didn’t do that.

Its still a hyperbolic, melodramatic claim.

I don’t think all the ‘well it’s all his fault, men should never have sex with a woman unless they are prepared to have a child’ posts are helpful.

I have never wanted children. Have I always been as careful as I should in those circumstances? Absolutely not and I’d be the one left holding the baby! Most people who have not gone as far as sterilisation are not 100% careful all the time whether it’s complacency, getting carried away, bad judgement or illness.

From OP’s statement that she does want the baby and wants him to accept her as part of his family, I would guess she knew there was a risk but hoped if it happened he’d soften and be happy and they’d live happily ever after. After a couple of shitty relationships, meeting a nice guy and falling for him, I can see why it was tempting.

Now cold reality has hit and no one is getting what they wanted.

For OP - if this is your best chance at having a baby, can you go it alone? Will you be ok raising the child knowing he may decide to have no active part?

If you go down the termination route, it’s unlikely the relationship would last anyway.

And I think a few PPs have made a very valid point that if men dated their own age range when they don’t want more kids, this would happen a lot less BUT this also applies to women dating older men in their fertile years. Whatever the kudos of dating younger / older there will often be a trade off like this. It’s rarely worth it.

Nope that isn't what my post said and you know it isn't.

Where was he not honest? He never at any point lied to OP & pretended he wanted kids. He never promised her kids “further down the road”. He never said “he can’t imagine wanting more kids but maybe he’d change his mind…”. He said he absolutely does not want anymore kids, 9 months into their relationship.

Also when you have a vasectomy the surgeon doesn’t email all the women of the UK to let them know you are no longer fertile.

Men can have vasectomies and not tell anyone. So it’s convoluted nonsense to claim older men purposefully don’t have vasectomies to attract younger women. Just…don’t tell them you have a vasectomy if that’s your plan while also ensuring you can’t actually get anyone pregnant!

Guy here. Partner is completely at fault IMO. If you are adamant you don't want anymore children take ownership of your own ability to reproduce. Clearly too lazy/afraid/inconvenienced to go through the process of getting a vasectomy and now has to face the consequences of that decision.

I know a woman whose partner - a divorced/separated man with several kids - was never clear about not wanting more. She had had one child young and wanted ar least another.
He even said things like "I love kids j could have ten of them". She thought it would only be a matter of time before they were together long enough and the blended family was settled etc

She eventually pushed the issue and he told her he'd had a vasectomy - since they'd gotten together.

He made sure she was in the relationship with him for several years, families, blended, her set up as his kids step mother etc. Before he did it and eventually told her. He'd also run her fertility down to last minute.com so she wouldn't have easily met someone else and got to know them a decent amount of time before TTC.

She was very unhappy but it was clear she wasn't leaving him. Too firmly tied in. She was there co parenting 4/5 of his kids compared to one of her own.

There are many many selfish men out there.

And they're more than happy to let things be ambiguous/undefined re. kids/having more kids in order to get what they want.

@LucyMonth indeed they can lie as well. But when the first conversation comes up - do you want to have kids? - Typically a man who has had a vasectomy would say so right away, that has been an experience of most of my friends currently dating. What instead many (not all, some are direct upfront) of these men do is they don't give a definite answer during the first few months. They know this would deter a prospective lover. Yes OP should have had this conversation earlier than 9 months into the relationship as she did admit his answer came as a shock. But equally he should have started right at get go that he doesn't want to have kids, he should have initiated this conversation during the first few dates. He never did it because he wanted to have sex with a younger woman without extras such as kids from previous relationships.

Where was he not honest? He never at any point lied to OP & pretended he wanted kids.

I wasn't referring to the op's "partner".

But Imho, he did actually lie by omission for 9 months.

In any case, he should have taken proactive responsibility for his own sperm, if he definitely didn't want more kids.

Ok, I'm firmly on OPs side whatever she chooses to do here but I need to ask this.

Why would you think a man with children from a previous relationship should move in and marry a new woman as quickly as within 2 years? Is that not a bit quick for the kids to get to know and accept a step mum?

Kept secret, no. But come on, marriage and step kids that quick? Be reasonable.

Men can have vasectomies and not tell anyone. So it’s convoluted nonsense to claim older men purposefully don’t have vasectomies to attract younger women. Just…don’t tell them you have a vasectomy if that’s your plan while also ensuring you can’t actually get anyone pregnant!

Believe it or not, most men aren't comfortable lying outright or by omission about something so important.

What instead many (not all, some are direct upfront) of these men do is they don't give a definite answer during the first few months. They know this would deter a prospective lover

Absolutely.

I don’t think all the ‘well it’s all his fault, men should never have sex with a woman unless they are prepared to have a child’ posts are helpful.

Are you from an alternative reality where neither condoms nor vasectomies exist?

A 17 year old is still legally a child. So he has at least 7 years parenting to go. Plus parenting doesn't stop 'ever'. Once you're a parent you are one until you die.
At 18 it's also unlikely that you'd be living independently given the cost of living atm. So financial input is likely until his children get stable jobs/finish education etc. So probably up to age 21.
He will almost certainly be paying maintenance until they leave school (which these days is currently 18).

Something else to think about:

This is not "a baby" - it is a whole person's life. Imagine the life of the child/teenager/adult. How will that be? The dad didn't want them. They were an accident. Another child being brought up potentially with no father. How will they be provided for? Imagine all the things that are required to raise a child into adulthood. Will you be able to provide that and cope with the next 20 years of constant parenting?

Food for thought. But whatever you decide to do, go into it with your eyes open and knowing that parenting is the hardest job in the world.

Wishing you the very best of luck.

This is nonsense.
If a woman vomits short hours after taking the pill, this might well reduce its effectiveness as the hormones may not have been absorbed by the body. The pill may also have been vomited up entirely. You can also get problems with absorption with severe diarrhea. In both cases, she’s more likely to have reduced protection if it’s more than a day or two of illness.
Whilst the pill is extremely effective, it is not 100% even in perfect conditions and it can, and on very rare occasions does, fail.

You have already said you wanted children and he blind sided you by suddenly saying that wasn’t on table. Tbh a lot of women would have left then. I think now your relationship is over either way.

If you keep baby he will likely leave you but that is ok. Certainly don’t be making promises to not ask for maintenance etc - that is for the baby not you!

If you on the other hand have an abortion for him I think you will massively regret it. You are basically taking the chance for a baby away from yourself and possibly forever as 37 isn’t young! I think you will be far more upset than you realise by the abortion and I am not sure he will be as supportive as you want or need. He could well just walk away. Even if he stays I think you’ll resent him. Let’s face it this relationship is on his terms. I think you have set your bar so low because of previous toxic relationship but if you have an abortion the veil will lift and you’ll see this relationship for what it is - totally on his terms. I can’t believe you haven’t even met his children! That isn’t normal btw.

As someone who has left a toxic relationship with a toddler please know it’s hard but not nearly as hard as giving up on your dreams of a healthy relationship AND a baby and just making do. Please only have an abortion if you do not want the baby and can cope with this loss - as it will feel like a loss I think given you do actually want children. Take care xx

I would too, but she still has to go into this with an understanding of how her life would look as a single mother. She will be especially financially vulnerable as he is already, I'm assuming, paying for his two other kids and unfortunately CMS doesn't take things like nursery fees into consideration. Children are a blessing but if having one is going to make OPs life miserable then it might not be worth it. There is no guarantee after all that the father will be there to do his share or pay for half of the childcare costs. It's super unfair but it's the reality for many women and very, very few men.

So what you're saying is....have the baby and prepare to be a single mum?