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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I deserve this as I was in the wrong?

155 replies

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 13:30

I don't know if I deserve this, so am keen for views!

I haven't been for a night out in about 2 years, but went and met some clients for a drink last Wednesday (as in over a week ago) in Manchester, I decided to drive but did say to DH I MAY join them in the office the next day, so I had looked at hotels before hand.

Anyway, I get there, I ended up deciding to go into the office the next day to finish off a project, so I stayed for a few drinks, one drink turned into lots, and I suddenly felt quite unwell (room spinning, I felt sick...) so headed to the hotel at about 9:30pm.

I managed to book in, and as I went to text him the room was spinning, I remember thinking, I'll just close my eyes and text him when I am able!! I woke up again at about 1pm, and text him then.

Well, he is furious with me, he now thinks I cheated on him, not really talking to me and giving me the silent treatment. It's unbearable. Do I just need to suck it up as I was in the wrong? Hope he eventually thaws and we can move on... He uses silent treatment a fair amount and I've had enough of it, but then I am at fault here.

I've known him 16 years and never ever cheated and never done anything like not contact him before on a night out!

OP posts:
Scout2016 · 14/03/2025 23:07

No, you don't deserve this OP. If I were married to you I'd maybe think
"hope Ool is OK, she's not drunk much in a while"
"I’ve not heard if she's stopping the night yet, be nice to know before I go to bed because if she's staying out I'll put the extra lock on, sleep in the middle and put the electric blanket on without her moaning it's too warm."
"wonder what Ool is up to, hope she's having a good night and those clients haven't turned out boring and spolit her first night out in ages".
"ooh, poor Ool, she's such a lightweight these days. Bet she feels shocking in the morning! Rough going in the office hung over!"
And so on.
What I would not think is "not heard from Ool for a few hours, she must be snagging someone else."
And if I genuinely did think you'd shagged someone else, I wouldn't deal with it by way of silent treatment. I don't think he really believes you cheated he's just power tripping to teach you a lesson.

You can do better OP. What are you "at fault" for, exactly? Not messaging him for a few hours, when he already knew you were on a night out?
There's absolutely no justification for this shit. Whatever excuses he tries to use - someone close to him was a cheat, he feels he's not good enough for you, he had a shit childhood, he's depressed, he trusts you but he knows what men are like, ...there's no justification for this and he's looking for any excuse to wear you down and make you feel on the back foot.
Cheating after a triathlon??? I mean, I'd be bloody impressed if you had had the energy!

5128gap · 14/03/2025 23:38

Velmy · 14/03/2025 14:43

If you'd swapped roles with this story you'd be told...

  • Your partner had definitely cheated on you
  • Your partner needs to contact AA as he is likely an alcoholic
  • LTB

I love MumsNet 😂

So do you think people should be telling the OP she cheated then? To make it...what...? fair to men or something? Be a bit daft that, wouldn't it, when she knows she didn't.

CosyLemur · 15/03/2025 08:21

bostonchamps · 14/03/2025 23:04

I got home at 2am on Thursday morning and my DH got up, had a good old laugh at my ramblings and made me some toast.

We hadn't spoken since I told him I was going out for dinner at 8pm. Our relationship is healthy and stable and we trust each other. People are allowed a healthy social life outside of their relationship.

But would he have been the same if you'd driven and said you weren't going to be drinking and would be back at 9; but ended up so drunk you had to get a hotel and then passed out straight away and didn't get in touch?

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 15/03/2025 09:23

I would be pissed off if DH did this. You know it's not ok. Obviously his reaction isn't either. I would wait it out and then have a serious conversation when he has calmed down. He obviously doesn't trust you and that's a problem.

OneKhakiFish · 15/03/2025 09:46

This horrible atmosphere isn't good for anyone, it's abusive and childish of him to behave like that. You've done nothing wrong. I had a partner who would stop speaking for days, I gave him an ultimatum, told him you have till (a few hours later) to speak or I'm done. He still ignored me so I packed up and left the next day. He was playing romantic songs when I was gathering my shit. Decided to speak and say don't go 😂 out the door I went, happy that misery was at an end. It's soul destroying. You deserve more, how long will you try and put up with it?

Phyllisve · 15/03/2025 14:48

Who does he think he is , ‘ punishing’ you ?? He’s not your dad and you aren’t a teenager ! Doesn’t sound like he respects you at all. Do you want a lifetime of this. You might as well cheat on him as you get the repercussions whether you do or not !

Ubugly · 15/03/2025 17:23

The accusers are normally the ones that are cheating!

Original poster
Oolliivviiaa · 15/03/2025 17:50

Sincere thanks to everyone on this thread, I felt like I was going crazy, and you’ve really helped. I need to stick up for myself more.

If you knew me in real life you wouldn’t believe I was this pathetic, I have a great career, I’ve worked in very hard environments (I was a medic in the army), and I work incredibly hard and I now earn more than DH.

I made a big mistake but I know I didn’t cheat, as I was there! I’ve offered lots of evidence to him and he won’t take it. Like I said, he’s accused me before. Sometimes when it’s been ridiculous. I have some thinking to do. 😔

OP posts:
Grammarnut · 15/03/2025 18:54

Tell him to stop accusing you or he can leave. Prat. Also, where there is no trust is no marriage.

HaveCreditWillShop · 15/03/2025 19:18

If this was my husband, if I hadn’t texted to say I had decided to stay, he’d be worried and would be texting me to see if I was ok, not crashed the car on the way back etc. Did he not message you? He’s decided to sit there and seethe instead which is pretty childish. I’d be asking serious questions of what he really thinks of your relationship if he seriously thinks you cheating is a possibility.
if you’ve not been out with your friends for drinks in two years, is he the reason? Is he behaving like this so you don’t go out again for a long while?
not sure I’m loving the sound of him…

HaveCreditWillShop · 15/03/2025 19:19

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 14:25

Jeff from accounts made me laugh, thank you!
He has accused me before, so no this isn’t the first time. 😔I’ve offered to show him my phone, emails, anything, which shows I was with the team the whole time, but he’s refusing.

Show quote history

Yeah you know what, something ain’t right with this lad. Have you got kids? If not, I’d suggest moving on before you do. Posts like this make me realise how good my marriage is….

Thefsm · 15/03/2025 20:11

I’d be absolutely sure my husband had cheated if he went for a few drinks and stayed overnight without a phone call. It is just so hard to believe. But - you are a woman and you said you felt awful and slept a crazy long time. I think it sounds like you were spiked and in that case you aren’t at fault and he should be concerned for you.

it’s a tricky one.

Minglingpringle · 15/03/2025 20:43

He’s paranoid and controlling. You’re “trying to make it work”. Stop doing that. This is a bad relationship.

daleylama · 15/03/2025 22:33

Cucy · 14/03/2025 15:36

If your DH booked a hotel room and stayed out for the night without letting you know, would you not find it a bit odd?

Show quote history

1a.m. accusation and response is not 'all night'.

daleylama · 15/03/2025 22:34

Thefsm · 15/03/2025 20:11

I’d be absolutely sure my husband had cheated if he went for a few drinks and stayed overnight without a phone call. It is just so hard to believe. But - you are a woman and you said you felt awful and slept a crazy long time. I think it sounds like you were spiked and in that case you aren’t at fault and he should be concerned for you.

it’s a tricky one.

She responded at 1 a.m. - hardly 'all night'

littleluncheon · 15/03/2025 22:43

Thefsm · 15/03/2025 20:11

I’d be absolutely sure my husband had cheated if he went for a few drinks and stayed overnight without a phone call. It is just so hard to believe. But - you are a woman and you said you felt awful and slept a crazy long time. I think it sounds like you were spiked and in that case you aren’t at fault and he should be concerned for you.

it’s a tricky one.

Presumably that's because your husband has a big history of cheating and lying though?
In a normal relationship you wouldn't jump straight to cheating.

OP should have let her husband know what she was doing earlier but that's a small mistake not a big one, and not something that needs punishing.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 16/03/2025 09:54

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 15:42

This is exactly what I feel like saying! I'm struggling to find my anger as I feel so unbelievably anxious.

Show quote history

Say it then darlin.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 16/03/2025 09:56

Oolliivviiaa · 15/03/2025 17:50

Sincere thanks to everyone on this thread, I felt like I was going crazy, and you’ve really helped. I need to stick up for myself more.

If you knew me in real life you wouldn’t believe I was this pathetic, I have a great career, I’ve worked in very hard environments (I was a medic in the army), and I work incredibly hard and I now earn more than DH.

I made a big mistake but I know I didn’t cheat, as I was there! I’ve offered lots of evidence to him and he won’t take it. Like I said, he’s accused me before. Sometimes when it’s been ridiculous. I have some thinking to do. 😔

I know you love him but I'd really be considering if he truly is the one.
He doesn't sound like a supportive person at all.

GreatFish · 16/03/2025 10:03

When someone is so jealous and accusing you of infidelity it's because they themselves have a guilty conciouns so believe their partner will do the same thing.

Dogsbreath7 · 16/03/2025 10:15

Zapx · 14/03/2025 14:05

So you were asleep from 9:30pm to 1pm the following day? 15 and a half hours?

I’d also be wondering if your drink was spiked… hope you’re okay

I thought this. I don’t drink now but at Xmas I had : large glasses wine = 1 bottle. Walked back to hotel had a bath and still woke up with alarm.

That amount of time out of it is a flag for me. I would report your concerns to employer HR (hsw) and you OH needs to be supporting you.

abricotine · 16/03/2025 11:24

Dogsbreath7 · 16/03/2025 10:15

I thought this. I don’t drink now but at Xmas I had : large glasses wine = 1 bottle. Walked back to hotel had a bath and still woke up with alarm.

That amount of time out of it is a flag for me. I would report your concerns to employer HR (hsw) and you OH needs to be supporting you.

Show quote history

It’s a typo. OP corrected it to 1 am.
still troubling though!

I would have no issue if my husband didn’t contact me; nor he if I didn’t. We do have each other on Life360 for worries but we sometimes go long periods with just the odd text especially if travelling for work or with friends.

surprised how many people would be angry about this. It’s just normal for me. And the silent treatment is really worrying if you can’t clear the air. Not healthy at all. I’d be telling him that. Let’s talk it through or I’d have to consider my options.

Cdu · 16/03/2025 11:55

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 13:30

I don't know if I deserve this, so am keen for views!

I haven't been for a night out in about 2 years, but went and met some clients for a drink last Wednesday (as in over a week ago) in Manchester, I decided to drive but did say to DH I MAY join them in the office the next day, so I had looked at hotels before hand.

Anyway, I get there, I ended up deciding to go into the office the next day to finish off a project, so I stayed for a few drinks, one drink turned into lots, and I suddenly felt quite unwell (room spinning, I felt sick...) so headed to the hotel at about 9:30pm.

I managed to book in, and as I went to text him the room was spinning, I remember thinking, I'll just close my eyes and text him when I am able!! I woke up again at about 1pm, and text him then.

Well, he is furious with me, he now thinks I cheated on him, not really talking to me and giving me the silent treatment. It's unbearable. Do I just need to suck it up as I was in the wrong? Hope he eventually thaws and we can move on... He uses silent treatment a fair amount and I've had enough of it, but then I am at fault here.

I've known him 16 years and never ever cheated and never done anything like not contact him before on a night out!

I wonder are the accusations of infidelity a case of your husband mirroring?

Has he been unfaithful at some point because it seems a big leap to get to this conclusion on the two occasions and to not accept any explanation, offer to read all texts etc, huff like a child. He wants you to grovel. Don't grovel over something g that hasn't happened.

Tell him one last time that you have not ever been unfaithful and don't ever intend to. That he needs to communicate with you but if he chooses not to, that will actually have a really detrimental impact on your relationship.

Do not be hod doormat when you made a mistake of having a few drinks on an empty stomach & fell asleep

Emmz1510 · 16/03/2025 12:20

I also originally thought you meant 1pm and was all ready to berate you for that, as that would be a ridiculously long time not to be in touch! Only because I’d be worried if I were you OH. Still not reasonable to jump to cheating!
But since it was 1am, and he had been informed you might stay overnight, Yanbu! He sounds like a controlling, jealous idiot.

Itsyourwifeymacrid · 16/03/2025 12:30

I see your point and I see he's,if he was to do this how would you feel?would you belive him straight away? its a tuff one bless ya as things do happen but if he's had insecurities before this will now of enhanced it ten fold for ya unfortunately,I had a ex who accused me left right and center had me locked in the house for 3 weeks(he ended up going to jail for 4 years for domestic abuse) all while he was going about sleeping with anything that moved,he made me feel so shit all the time accusing me I couldn't stand it any longer,all the time he was accusing me it made me wish I had cheated coz I'd of got the exact same amount of shit I did for not doing it,men work in mysterious ways,but if your feeling any sort of unease you need to get out of there coz these times are when people change and not for the good,please be careful xx

StrawberryDream24 · 16/03/2025 12:36

I’ve offered lots of evidence to him and he won’t take it. Like I said, he’s accused me before. Sometimes when it’s been ridiculous. I have some thinking to do

You know this is not right.

He's permanently on cheating "high alert"

That's either a mental problem with him, or he's a cheater.

You can't prove to someone like him you aren't cheating/haven't cheated ...it's not possible. And you shouldn't have to.
It shouldn't be a thought in his head if you have no history of it.
Yeg it appears to be a preoccupying, default thought.

My sister once accurately described how I was being treated in a relationship as being "emotionally beaten up" ....and that's how I feel you are being treated too.

This is abuse.