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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I deserve this as I was in the wrong?

155 replies

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 13:30

I don't know if I deserve this, so am keen for views!

I haven't been for a night out in about 2 years, but went and met some clients for a drink last Wednesday (as in over a week ago) in Manchester, I decided to drive but did say to DH I MAY join them in the office the next day, so I had looked at hotels before hand.

Anyway, I get there, I ended up deciding to go into the office the next day to finish off a project, so I stayed for a few drinks, one drink turned into lots, and I suddenly felt quite unwell (room spinning, I felt sick...) so headed to the hotel at about 9:30pm.

I managed to book in, and as I went to text him the room was spinning, I remember thinking, I'll just close my eyes and text him when I am able!! I woke up again at about 1pm, and text him then.

Well, he is furious with me, he now thinks I cheated on him, not really talking to me and giving me the silent treatment. It's unbearable. Do I just need to suck it up as I was in the wrong? Hope he eventually thaws and we can move on... He uses silent treatment a fair amount and I've had enough of it, but then I am at fault here.

I've known him 16 years and never ever cheated and never done anything like not contact him before on a night out!

OP posts:
HomeBodyClub · 14/03/2025 13:35

I wouldn’t settle for the silent treatment. I would be telling him to believe what he wants and ending it.

Original poster
Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 13:53

Thank you, I do feel my punishment is now a bit disproportionate but I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore.

OP posts:
LauderSyme · 14/03/2025 14:00

No, you do not deserve the silent treatment; that's emotional abuse and no one deserves it.

You also do not deserve being treated as guilty of infidelity when you have never done anything to raise his suspicions.

He needs to respond to this isolated incident with open communication, like an adult who loves and respects you - if in fact, he does.

OchreRaven · 14/03/2025 14:01

Did you text him at 1pm or 1am? If 1pm I can see why he would be upset. And I would also question if your drink was spiked as that is not a normal hangover.

I would have empathy for his feelings. I imagine he was worried he couldn’t contact you and it wouldn’t have felt nice to know you were so drunk you couldn’t communicate. I know that the ‘silent treatment’ is hailed as abuse and I’m sure that’s true when it’s done to manipulate but sometimes when we are hurt we need time to process and don’t want to talk. Having said that, a week is a long time and likely he is using it to punish you at this point. You seem to understand that you made a mistake. Did you have a good talk about it when you got home?

All you can do is listen to his feelings on this, take him seriously and reassure him nothing happened and take responsibility.

We all do silly things sometimes. But it’s how you deal with it after that matters. Having said that he needs be mature enough to want to communicate. If he isn’t there not much you can do other than suggest you take a break if he’s not willing to work on it.

Zapx · 14/03/2025 14:05

So you were asleep from 9:30pm to 1pm the following day? 15 and a half hours?

I’d also be wondering if your drink was spiked… hope you’re okay

Condensedmilkdrinker · 14/03/2025 14:06

If it was the other way round posters would be saying it was suspicious and the man was in the wrong. I'd be cross with you and very worried so I understand him being upset, but silent treatment isn't the way to go.

DuckieDodgyHedgyPiggy · 14/03/2025 14:07

I can understand why he was worried when he didn't hear from you before bedtime, so he didn't know whether you were coming home. But he should accept your explanation and not behave like a toddler.

desperatedaysareover · 14/03/2025 14:11

I’m not sure how ‘in the wrong’ you were. Obviously it’s not ideal to get wrecked, go incommunicado and cause worry and I’d be annoyed at my DH if I thought he could be in serious trouble and didn’t know where he was for many hours overnight. But I wouldn’t jump to ‘must have been with a woman’ out of nowhere. I’d also be understanding that sometimes people do get pissed and go to sleep. Done it myself.

To be honest, I’d also say people who’re busily committing ‘night away’ infidelity with Jeff from Accounts would be both sober and smart enough to ring/text and cover their arse multiple times and long before 1pm the next day. Not that I’d say that to your DH!

The getting worried and annoyed thing is reasonable and I’d be sorry I caused concern. A week of silent treatment and the automatic assumption I had been cheating would put me on the offensive. That’s not on. Has he got a history of jealousy and jumping to the worst conclusion?

madaffodil · 14/03/2025 14:13

Does the punishment fit the 'crime'?

No. Time to think about whether you want to remain in this relationship.

festivemouse · 14/03/2025 14:15

So you went for drinks with a potential “may stay in a hotel” caveat, didn’t contact your husband, got super drunk, booked into a random hotel without letting him know and then text at 1pm (or 1am?!) telling him what was going on?

In your husbands shoes I’d be fuming and wondering what was going on too! Not sure I’d be whipping out the silent treatment but that’s pretty poor behaviour, also how drunk did you get that by half 9 in the evening you were unable to use a phone?

Comedycook · 14/03/2025 14:16

Sorry but if the roles were reversed, and a man had done this, everybody would be saying how badly he'd behaved. I'd be very upset if my dh had done this.

Having said that, silent treatment is a pathetically immature way to deal with a problem.

Berlinlover · 14/03/2025 14:17

We need to know if you text him at 1am or 1pm like you said in your OP.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 14/03/2025 14:18

The Silent Treatment is a recognised sign of abuse....
You need to end the relationship and enjoy more nights out.. You only get 1 life.
Live it.

Regretsmorethanafew · 14/03/2025 14:18

Comedycook · 14/03/2025 14:16

Sorry but if the roles were reversed, and a man had done this, everybody would be saying how badly he'd behaved. I'd be very upset if my dh had done this.

Having said that, silent treatment is a pathetically immature way to deal with a problem.

No, we wouldn't.

If this was my DP, I'd be concerned for him, not angry or accusatory. Same for him.

mrsmalaprop · 14/03/2025 14:18

I had a partner do this in a previous relationship. I was worried he’d been hurt/ had an accident.

I was relieved when he finally messaged to say all was well. I told him I was annoyed because I was worried and couldn’t sleep. He apologised and didn’t do it again. End of story.

That doesn’t sound like this, though. This sounds like something else. He’s allowed to be pissed off, but it isn’t ok to accuse you of cheating with no basis and it isn’t ok to give you the silent treatment for a week. That’s punishment, not upset.

Original poster
Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 14:18

Zapx · 14/03/2025 14:05

So you were asleep from 9:30pm to 1pm the following day? 15 and a half hours?

I’d also be wondering if your drink was spiked… hope you’re okay

No sorry, I meant 1am!! I woke up at 1am and was mortified that I hadn’t text him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 14:19

Berlinlover · 14/03/2025 14:17

We need to know if you text him at 1am or 1pm like you said in your OP.

Sorry 1am, as soon as the world stopped spinning and I’d woken back up more sober.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 14:21

festivemouse · 14/03/2025 14:15

So you went for drinks with a potential “may stay in a hotel” caveat, didn’t contact your husband, got super drunk, booked into a random hotel without letting him know and then text at 1pm (or 1am?!) telling him what was going on?

In your husbands shoes I’d be fuming and wondering what was going on too! Not sure I’d be whipping out the silent treatment but that’s pretty poor behaviour, also how drunk did you get that by half 9 in the evening you were unable to use a phone?

I unfortunately didn’t eat dinner as we went straight from the meeting to drinks, I was surprised how quickly I felt so ill.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 14:23

mrsmalaprop · 14/03/2025 14:18

I had a partner do this in a previous relationship. I was worried he’d been hurt/ had an accident.

I was relieved when he finally messaged to say all was well. I told him I was annoyed because I was worried and couldn’t sleep. He apologised and didn’t do it again. End of story.

That doesn’t sound like this, though. This sounds like something else. He’s allowed to be pissed off, but it isn’t ok to accuse you of cheating with no basis and it isn’t ok to give you the silent treatment for a week. That’s punishment, not upset.

He has accused me before, I was once late back from triathlon and he accused me then, I’d been at triathlon the whole time, but was getting a lift back and my lift ended up chatting to people!

I’ve honestly never cheated on him, but I can’t seem to persuade him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 14:24

Comedycook · 14/03/2025 14:16

Sorry but if the roles were reversed, and a man had done this, everybody would be saying how badly he'd behaved. I'd be very upset if my dh had done this.

Having said that, silent treatment is a pathetically immature way to deal with a problem.

I’ve apologised a LOT, I know I’m in the wrong, I’m not disputing that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 14:25

desperatedaysareover · 14/03/2025 14:11

I’m not sure how ‘in the wrong’ you were. Obviously it’s not ideal to get wrecked, go incommunicado and cause worry and I’d be annoyed at my DH if I thought he could be in serious trouble and didn’t know where he was for many hours overnight. But I wouldn’t jump to ‘must have been with a woman’ out of nowhere. I’d also be understanding that sometimes people do get pissed and go to sleep. Done it myself.

To be honest, I’d also say people who’re busily committing ‘night away’ infidelity with Jeff from Accounts would be both sober and smart enough to ring/text and cover their arse multiple times and long before 1pm the next day. Not that I’d say that to your DH!

The getting worried and annoyed thing is reasonable and I’d be sorry I caused concern. A week of silent treatment and the automatic assumption I had been cheating would put me on the offensive. That’s not on. Has he got a history of jealousy and jumping to the worst conclusion?

Jeff from accounts made me laugh, thank you!
He has accused me before, so no this isn’t the first time. 😔I’ve offered to show him my phone, emails, anything, which shows I was with the team the whole time, but he’s refusing.

OP posts:
yeesh · 14/03/2025 14:28

“Punishment” isn’t a normal thing a relationship, he sounds very controlling. He should be concerned about you not behaving like he did. It’s not the first time by the sounds of it, you really shouldn’t be putting up with this shit.

mrsmalaprop · 14/03/2025 14:30

Ah. So he WANTS you to be cheating so he can punish you, then?

nah. Hard pass.

Travelban · 14/03/2025 14:36

Omg I have got drunk on a work do so many countless times... because like you, you go out from meetings no or little food, not used to drinking and people buy me loads of drinks. Everytime I regret it!

I don't thunk its a big deal. He knew where you were. A bit annoyed yes, accusing of cheating and silent treatment is toxic.

Velmy · 14/03/2025 14:43

If you'd swapped roles with this story you'd be told...

  • Your partner had definitely cheated on you
  • Your partner needs to contact AA as he is likely an alcoholic
  • LTB

I love MumsNet 😂