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Original poster

Do I deserve this as I was in the wrong?

155 replies

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 13:30

I don't know if I deserve this, so am keen for views!

I haven't been for a night out in about 2 years, but went and met some clients for a drink last Wednesday (as in over a week ago) in Manchester, I decided to drive but did say to DH I MAY join them in the office the next day, so I had looked at hotels before hand.

Anyway, I get there, I ended up deciding to go into the office the next day to finish off a project, so I stayed for a few drinks, one drink turned into lots, and I suddenly felt quite unwell (room spinning, I felt sick...) so headed to the hotel at about 9:30pm.

I managed to book in, and as I went to text him the room was spinning, I remember thinking, I'll just close my eyes and text him when I am able!! I woke up again at about 1pm, and text him then.

Well, he is furious with me, he now thinks I cheated on him, not really talking to me and giving me the silent treatment. It's unbearable. Do I just need to suck it up as I was in the wrong? Hope he eventually thaws and we can move on... He uses silent treatment a fair amount and I've had enough of it, but then I am at fault here.

I've known him 16 years and never ever cheated and never done anything like not contact him before on a night out!

OP posts:
Bluenotgreen · 14/03/2025 20:20

I’m thinking he’s enjoying punishing you.

What is keeping you stuck in this shit relationship?

Mrsdyna · 14/03/2025 20:28

I can see why he didn't like it but only because I'd be worried if my DH hadn't messaged me, not because I'd assume he'd cheated though!

Gymnopedie · 14/03/2025 20:29

Tell him he'll never have a reason not to trust you again because you're ending things.

ForPoliteHam · 14/03/2025 20:52

festivemouse · 14/03/2025 14:15

So you went for drinks with a potential “may stay in a hotel” caveat, didn’t contact your husband, got super drunk, booked into a random hotel without letting him know and then text at 1pm (or 1am?!) telling him what was going on?

In your husbands shoes I’d be fuming and wondering what was going on too! Not sure I’d be whipping out the silent treatment but that’s pretty poor behaviour, also how drunk did you get that by half 9 in the evening you were unable to use a phone?

Agreed.

redsquirrel07 · 14/03/2025 20:54

Mrsdyna · 14/03/2025 20:28

I can see why he didn't like it but only because I'd be worried if my DH hadn't messaged me, not because I'd assume he'd cheated though!

I agree with this. I would be worried about whether my DP was okay and safe, but I wouldn't just assume cheating and get furious.

CosyLemur · 14/03/2025 20:55

Personally I wouldn't be happy if my OH was meant to be coming home and then text me at 1am saying he wasn't coming home and that he was going to be staying in a hotel!

Ritzybitzy · 14/03/2025 21:01

Honestly if my husband did what you did I would be mad as hell. And that would involve a period of silent treatment so I didn’t say something I would later regret.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 14/03/2025 21:07

He clearly thinks you are moronic if he genuinely believes you would make such a complete hash of cheating on him.

Why do you stay with a man who has such a low opinion of you?

Yellow2024 · 14/03/2025 21:09

Honestly when either of us stay out for work or pleasure we rarely message each other. Its not something I would care about at all.

Bitofanchange · 14/03/2025 21:11

Condensedmilkdrinker · 14/03/2025 14:06

If it was the other way round posters would be saying it was suspicious and the man was in the wrong. I'd be cross with you and very worried so I understand him being upset, but silent treatment isn't the way to go.

This!!

MightAsWellBeGretel · 14/03/2025 21:22

Ritzybitzy · 14/03/2025 21:01

Honestly if my husband did what you did I would be mad as hell. And that would involve a period of silent treatment so I didn’t say something I would later regret.

Really? 1am is hardly not showing up until the next afternoon, is it?

That is so abusive.

Are people not allowed to go out and enjoy themselves?

adviceneeded1990 · 14/03/2025 21:30

Honestly, I’d leave him; that’s probably OTT but he’s reminding me of my ex who took every tiny opportunity to accuse me of cheating, right down to the refusing to look at messages that would prove my innocence. Anyway, turned out he’d been cheating for years and was desperate for me to be equally guilty so he could have a justification up his sleeve. I hope that’s not the case here, but one drunken lapse of judgement doesn’t call for punishment, silent treatment and accusations.

diddl · 14/03/2025 21:33

I'd probably be angry because I would have been worried.

The accusations of cheating are another matter.

Presumably it's to keep you in line?

If he really doesn't trust you then what's the point?

andthat · 14/03/2025 21:38

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 14:25

Jeff from accounts made me laugh, thank you!
He has accused me before, so no this isn’t the first time. 😔I’ve offered to show him my phone, emails, anything, which shows I was with the team the whole time, but he’s refusing.

Show quote history

Why are you pandering to this shit * *@Oolliivviiaa?

Tell him in no uncertain terms that if he carries on with these unacceptable accusations and giving you the silent treatment, you’re off. And mean it.

ScreamingBeans · 14/03/2025 21:48

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 15:42

This is exactly what I feel like saying! I'm struggling to find my anger as I feel so unbelievably anxious.

Show quote history

He's trained you well hasn't he.

You're anxious when you should be angry.

You have a seriously abusive husband.

Grammarnut · 14/03/2025 22:02

Tell him if he doesn't believe you then he can decamp pronto. As to silent treatment give it back. Do not respond if he makes overtures to end the silence - sulking like that is bullying and gaslighting.

Grammarnut · 14/03/2025 22:04

Ritzybitzy · 14/03/2025 21:01

Honestly if my husband did what you did I would be mad as hell. And that would involve a period of silent treatment so I didn’t say something I would later regret.

The silent treatment is never nice - it's a sulk.

thestudio · 14/03/2025 22:05

silent treatment = abuse

Also, if he's known you this long and doesn't trust that you wouldn't be unfaithful, it's an embedded terror entirely related to his own sense of self that you will never, ever be able to fix.

emziecy · 14/03/2025 22:14

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 13:30

I don't know if I deserve this, so am keen for views!

I haven't been for a night out in about 2 years, but went and met some clients for a drink last Wednesday (as in over a week ago) in Manchester, I decided to drive but did say to DH I MAY join them in the office the next day, so I had looked at hotels before hand.

Anyway, I get there, I ended up deciding to go into the office the next day to finish off a project, so I stayed for a few drinks, one drink turned into lots, and I suddenly felt quite unwell (room spinning, I felt sick...) so headed to the hotel at about 9:30pm.

I managed to book in, and as I went to text him the room was spinning, I remember thinking, I'll just close my eyes and text him when I am able!! I woke up again at about 1pm, and text him then.

Well, he is furious with me, he now thinks I cheated on him, not really talking to me and giving me the silent treatment. It's unbearable. Do I just need to suck it up as I was in the wrong? Hope he eventually thaws and we can move on... He uses silent treatment a fair amount and I've had enough of it, but then I am at fault here.

I've known him 16 years and never ever cheated and never done anything like not contact him before on a night out!

I genuinely don't see what his problem is in terms of what you did. I don't think you've done anything wrong? Shit happens, people get pissed. Relationships surely should be based on trust, and if his immediate response is that you're cheating on him, clearly he doesn't trust you. My late fiancé and I had a row once and he fucked off out (to mutual friends as it turned out) Yes I was worried about him and cross because I didn't know if he was ok or not, but my first thought was not that he must be cheating. He came home, we talked about the stupid row and that was that. I've stayed out all night at my friend's house and he wasn't fussed because I said I might do 🤷🏻‍♀️

clingycassandra · 14/03/2025 22:31

Did he call or message you at all during the evening to check if you were OK?
If my partner was out and I hadn't heard from them all evening and their plans were not decided on I would have tried to contact them to a) check they were OK and b) get an update on the plans so I wouldn't be worried.

Verdansk84 · 14/03/2025 22:32

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 14:21

I unfortunately didn’t eat dinner as we went straight from the meeting to drinks, I was surprised how quickly I felt so ill.

Show quote history

without more context, id be careful with the drinks incase they were spiked, that said on an empty stomach, i get fairly tipsy / drunk quite quickly

ImaginationDragon · 14/03/2025 22:38

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down now.

Julimia · 14/03/2025 22:41

But you've done nothing wrong. You are not in the wrong. The silent treatment is a device of control. He needs to stop it or look for somewhere else to live. Putting you automatically in the wrong is also a device of control.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 14/03/2025 22:54

There's a pattern here of your partner accusing you of cheating when you haven't. That level of jealousy is not healthy and I bet that you have already modified what you wear, where you go, who you go with, and when you go and return to try to appease this man.

Am I correct?

bostonchamps · 14/03/2025 23:04

I got home at 2am on Thursday morning and my DH got up, had a good old laugh at my ramblings and made me some toast.

We hadn't spoken since I told him I was going out for dinner at 8pm. Our relationship is healthy and stable and we trust each other. People are allowed a healthy social life outside of their relationship.

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