Do I deserve this as I was in the wrong?

[Oolliivviiaa]

I don't know if I deserve this, so am keen for views!

I haven't been for a night out in about 2 years, but went and met some clients for a drink last Wednesday (as in over a week ago) in Manchester, I decided to drive but did say to DH I MAY join them in the office the next day, so I had looked at hotels before hand.

Anyway, I get there, I ended up deciding to go into the office the next day to finish off a project, so I stayed for a few drinks, one drink turned into lots, and I suddenly felt quite unwell (room spinning, I felt sick...) so headed to the hotel at about 9:30pm.

I managed to book in, and as I went to text him the room was spinning, I remember thinking, I'll just close my eyes and text him when I am able!! I woke up again at about 1pm, and text him then.

Well, he is furious with me, he now thinks I cheated on him, not really talking to me and giving me the silent treatment. It's unbearable. Do I just need to suck it up as I was in the wrong? Hope he eventually thaws and we can move on... He uses silent treatment a fair amount and I've had enough of it, but then I am at fault here.

I've known him 16 years and never ever cheated and never done anything like not contact him before on a night out!

You’re really not. Stop self-flagellating. He has taught you to feel permanently guilty when you’ve done nothing wrong. That’s abuse.

This man is garbage.

His abuse and control has conditioned you to feel anxious. I bet you hadn’t been out in two years because he didn’t like it and would accuse you of cheating.

If you told a trusted friend or family member how he treats you, do you think they would think it was acceptable behaviour?
Why do you believe it's acceptable behaviour?
And finally, men who think their partner is cheating are usually cheating (frequently) themselves.

Okay, you'd expect different behaviour & that's the nderatood.
But would you would accuse him of cheating and not speak to him for days? Really?

She apologised for not keeping him updated. That's all she did wrong & she said sorry.

I'd tell him
Ok so you seem to be throwing accusations at me for no reason, you're the problem, you either trust me, or if you don't then leave e, I'm fed up of being considered a cheater when actually I've never cheated and I do love you, but I won't go on like this as you're getting worse

You were not in the wrong but I’d be upset if I hadn’t heard from my dh about what his actual plans were. And a text at 1am wouldn’t reassure me.
That being said these things happen you don’t deserve silent treatment, you know he’s annoyed he should move on and try not to do it again

Why haven’t you been on a night out for two years!

I can understand your DH frustration on this not knowing if you’re coming home or staying out, yeh PP pointed out he knew where you were but he didn’t know if you were safe or not. You were out of order (but you know that) you knew you were staying over before you got so drunk so it would have been better to show a bit of respect and let DH know. He shouldn’t jump straight to accusing you of cheating because that shows he doesn’t trust you which brings a problem in itself to the marriage

Well I wouldn’t have done - in a world before mobile phones I would have assumed he had done just this - drunk too much to drive home and crashed somewhere, because he was an adult and could look after himself. If I got a text at 1am, I would have been fine - why do people expect constant communication from grown people who are on a night out?

Why are you accepting all sorts to try and make this relationship work?

Is he that great a husband or partner?

Sounds like projecting then. He knows he has or would cheat if he thought he could get away with it, so thinks you would, too.

He doesn't think much of you.

I'm hearing you all loud and clear, it's just so sad when we once got on so well, and when it's good it's great, but I can't continue with his current behaviour how it is.

I haven't been out in 2 years on a big night out, where I got drunk, etc I have been out! For dinner, or even to the pub, but I mean out late, drinking a lot and so on.

I'd genuinely tell a friend to leave, I'd also think yes they made a mistake, but it's not the worst thing in the World. For some reason I just can't see this for myself.

The problem is very clearly that he defaults to thinking you've cheated on him.

Even though you have no history of cheating on him.

Which makes it a him problem, not a you problem.

My h would not assume I had cheated on him in the hotel situation...
And even more so in the triathlon situation.

Noone should have to "prove" they're not cheating by texting at an exact time or being in constant contact etc etc. No-one should be being assumed to be cheating.

He has mental/personality issues.

They are his to solve, not yours.

If I said I might stay at a hotel, I didn't know yet ....and then got drunk or tired or whatever and crashed out without sending a message confirming I would be staying; I think my h would have a slight worry at me not messaging/responding to a message or call but would mostly assume that I'd stayed at the hotel, like I said I might.

If I called him as soon as I woke up and explained what had happened, he wouldn't assume I'd cheated.

And vice versa.

I'd just think it was easy to get caught up chatting and drinking and to mean to send a confirmation message that he's staying but not do so, I'd assume he'd just stayed. If he contacted me when he woke up and confirmed, I wouldn't assume he'd cheated on me.

There wouldn't be a default assumption that we'd cheated.

But there is with your h.

Your h either suffers from jealous, possessive, paranoid man syndrome or he is cheater himself, or both.

And a text at 1am wouldn’t reassure me.

Why not??

If my h said he might stay at a hotel but didn't confirm, and I went to bed thinking "it's odd that he hasn't confirmed he's staying at a hotel but maybe he's just gotten distracted/drunk/fallen asleep, hopefully he's ok and at the hotel" ....seeing that text would very much reassure me that that was what has happened.

I don't understand how it wouldn't.

Course you would. Standard Mumsnet would be he's cheating.

That's a huge overreaction. DW once went on a night out with a friend. She text me at one point to say they're on their way back to the hotel and she'll call me once they got there.

Four hours later she called me, extremely drunk. Apparently they'd bumped into a friend and gone back in but she'd forgot to tell me.
I was a little annoyed because I'd been really worried, but mostly just massively relieved that she was okay.

It's not really acceptable for him to allege you cheated when you've never ever done so before.

He may have been annoyed and then his suspicions ran away with him, but as soon as he heard your explanation it should be been accepted. Without him needing to blurt out these accusations.

Frankly if he doesn't trust you to go out for a few drinks with workmates without leaping into their beds then he doesn't deserve a partner. It's simply not reasonable.

Often people who cheat are the ones who are most suspicious for no reason.

Don’t have kids with him. Presume you don’t already have them?

Definitely this would be a case of he’s cheated and LTB if it had been her DH!

I see so many threads on here saying the same thing. When its good its great, or when he's not being horrible to me, he's really lovely and affectionate.

The trouble is he shouldn't regularly be horrible to you, you shouldn't be anticipating the next sulk, the next drama, the next landmine you accidentially walk on.

This is a one off that you have apologised for, and explained why many many times.

Stop apologising. Stop assuming you are totally and utterly in the wrong and deserve all of this ire. You don't.
as a pp said, he's used this one off and rare event of you having a night out to accuse you of cheating.

Don't run after him begging him to speak to you. Let him stew in his own juice. You've offered him phone and email evidence etc.. but he doesn't care. He'd rather hang on to this imaginary infidelity to punish you.

Stop putting up with it He'll find it hard to keep that up for long.
When he's rational again tell him youve apologised for making a mistake and your are sorry for worrying him but his reaction is over the top and he seems to be enjoying punishing you for it.

Talk to someone professional in RL who can help you work out how to deal with this and think about what you are willing to put up with in the future.

Accusing you of cheating because you fell asleep and texted later and giving the silent treatment. Doesn't sound like a healthy trusting relationship. You are not at fault, he is

Men act like this because they are cheating themselves! Sorry to say it!

Texting one time to let your partner know they’re not coming home isn’t constant communication, it’s basic respect.

I wouldn’t be texting random things if I was out enjoying myself but if I decided early on in the evening that I wasn’t coming home that night then I would let my DH know and would expect the same respect back.

How many threads are there about men going out and posters are saying how awful he is for not letting his DW know etc.
Mumsnet is funny when the sexes are reversed.

Lets hope this isn’t a reverse 🙈