Page 2 | Do I deserve this as I was in the wrong?

Oolliivviiaa · 2025-03-14T13:30:21+00:00

I don't know if I deserve this, so am keen for views! I haven't been for a night out in about 2 years, but went and met some clients for a drink last Wednesday (as in over a week ago) in Manchester, I decided to drive but did say to DH I MAY join them in the office the next day, so I had looked at hotels before hand. Anyway, I get there, I ended up deciding to go into the office the next day to finish off a project, so I stayed for a few drinks, one drink turned into lots, and I suddenly felt quite unwell (room spinning, I felt sick...) so headed to the hotel at about 9:30pm. I managed to book in, and as I went to text him the room was spinning, I remember thinking, I'll just close my eyes and text him when I am able!! I woke up again at about 1pm, and text him then. Well, he is furious with me, he now thinks I cheated on him, not really talking to me and giving me the silent treatment. It's unbearable. Do I just need to suck it up as I was in the wrong? Hope he eventually thaws and we can move on... He uses silent treatment a fair amount and I've had enough of it, but then I am at fault here. I've known him 16 years and never ever cheated and never done anything like not contact him before on a night out!

Cucy · 14/03/2025 14:58

I’m confused about when it was that you booked the hotel.

If you booked it in advance then I don’t understand why you wouldn’t let your DH know that you wouldn’t be coming back that day.

I would be very annoyed if my DH went out for drinks and then ended up staying in a hotel without letting me know anything from 9:30-1am.

I too would probably think he’s cheating, especially if he hadn’t booked the hotel beforehand.

If you’re saying that you waited until 9:30pm to book a hotel, then I don’t believe it.

I don’t believe that when you started to drink, you didn’t then book a hotel to make sure you had somewhere to stay before you started drinking in case you needed to drive home, which you would have then told your DH.

No one, especially one who is planning to go to work the next day, would wait until they had left the pub to book a hotel.

I understand why he’d find this suspicious and I wouldn’t be talking to my DH right now either.

desperatedaysareover · 14/03/2025 14:58

I’d say he has less reason to be angry if contact was made at 1am. IMO it’s a reasonable time to be arriving home and as such a reasonable time to say I’m not coming back, I was pissed, what a disaster.

1pm would have had me worried sick as the partner waiting at home, whereas 1am after passing out just sounds like someone didn’t have any dinner. Tbh I’d rather DH stayed away than came home all staggering and potentially barfing.

I had a boyfriend like this once. Understand it’s a way bigger prospect to leave a marriage after 16 years but what split us up after six years was jealousy. He ruined the Millennium (I had a little disco nap in a London super-club toilet and when I reappeared he accused me of having been with someone). I suggested he go and ask the toilet attendant who woke me up to check I wasn’t choking on my own vomit or OD’d by banging on the cubicle door (lol the shame!) but of course he wouldn’t. He then ruined the following Christmas by storming out of my family’s home because there was no more hot water and DSis had the audacity to laugh when he took a mantrum over having to have a cold shower. The week after we went to a NYC do he’d insisted we attend. He abandoned me AGAIN cos apparently I was playing a board game (ha) with HIS best friend for too long. That was the end.

It’s very hard to prove you haven’t done something when someone is adamant you have, and it puts you on the constant back foot. That’s us getting trained I suppose.

Comes down to whether you can be arsed with a life where he makes stuff up in his mind and you’re in a loop of getting punished and trying to defend yourself. Offering to show your phone is understandable but really, it’s not a prosecution, your word should be enough. People are saying what if it was a man who went AWOL, but I’d say the same regardless. If you don’t trust your spouse when they’ve given you no grounds for suspicion either be an adult and work on why or let them go. It just seems like a lot of heart-ache.

LetGoLetThem1234 · 14/03/2025 15:07

He sounds paranoid @Oolliivviiaa .His behaviour is not okay/normal/reasonable. Why do you feel that you have to put up with it?

LetGoLetThem1234 · 14/03/2025 15:08

Or appease him?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2025 15:14

You've been trained by him over the years into appeasing him. Abuse like this creeps up on people unawares and over a period of time.

His behaviour now towards you is controlling; his behaviour towards you after the triathlon is further proof of that.

Read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. You will find descriptions of your H in those pages.

He really does want to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making. I would be planning my exit from this marriage.

Original poster

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 15:23

Cucy · 14/03/2025 14:58

I’m confused about when it was that you booked the hotel.

If you booked it in advance then I don’t understand why you wouldn’t let your DH know that you wouldn’t be coming back that day.

I would be very annoyed if my DH went out for drinks and then ended up staying in a hotel without letting me know anything from 9:30-1am.

I too would probably think he’s cheating, especially if he hadn’t booked the hotel beforehand.

If you’re saying that you waited until 9:30pm to book a hotel, then I don’t believe it.

I don’t believe that when you started to drink, you didn’t then book a hotel to make sure you had somewhere to stay before you started drinking in case you needed to drive home, which you would have then told your DH.

No one, especially one who is planning to go to work the next day, would wait until they had left the pub to book a hotel.

I understand why he’d find this suspicious and I wouldn’t be talking to my DH right now either.

Why would I lie on Mumsnet? I know exactly what happened, and it's interesting women I know with careers who network a lot and go for drinks have totally got it.

I knew there was space in the hotel, in fact loads of space, so that wasn't something that concerned me. I was also in Manchester, not the back of beyond, with clients who I know well, not a woman on my own in some remote village.

OP posts:

Original poster

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 15:25

desperatedaysareover · 14/03/2025 14:58

I’d say he has less reason to be angry if contact was made at 1am. IMO it’s a reasonable time to be arriving home and as such a reasonable time to say I’m not coming back, I was pissed, what a disaster.

1pm would have had me worried sick as the partner waiting at home, whereas 1am after passing out just sounds like someone didn’t have any dinner. Tbh I’d rather DH stayed away than came home all staggering and potentially barfing.

I had a boyfriend like this once. Understand it’s a way bigger prospect to leave a marriage after 16 years but what split us up after six years was jealousy. He ruined the Millennium (I had a little disco nap in a London super-club toilet and when I reappeared he accused me of having been with someone). I suggested he go and ask the toilet attendant who woke me up to check I wasn’t choking on my own vomit or OD’d by banging on the cubicle door (lol the shame!) but of course he wouldn’t. He then ruined the following Christmas by storming out of my family’s home because there was no more hot water and DSis had the audacity to laugh when he took a mantrum over having to have a cold shower. The week after we went to a NYC do he’d insisted we attend. He abandoned me AGAIN cos apparently I was playing a board game (ha) with HIS best friend for too long. That was the end.

It’s very hard to prove you haven’t done something when someone is adamant you have, and it puts you on the constant back foot. That’s us getting trained I suppose.

Comes down to whether you can be arsed with a life where he makes stuff up in his mind and you’re in a loop of getting punished and trying to defend yourself. Offering to show your phone is understandable but really, it’s not a prosecution, your word should be enough. People are saying what if it was a man who went AWOL, but I’d say the same regardless. If you don’t trust your spouse when they’ve given you no grounds for suspicion either be an adult and work on why or let them go. It just seems like a lot of heart-ache.

Yes I can't edit my post, it was 1am.

I agree with what you've said, the accusations over the years have got worse, incrementally like with you, and it's sometimes for really innocuous stuff! I feel like I can't win.

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Original poster

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 15:26

LetGoLetThem1234 · 14/03/2025 15:07

He sounds paranoid @Oolliivviiaa .His behaviour is not okay/normal/reasonable. Why do you feel that you have to put up with it?

I just can't see the wood for the trees right now and feel so at fault, so am tolerating his behaviour.

OP posts:

Original poster

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 15:26

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2025 15:14

You've been trained by him over the years into appeasing him. Abuse like this creeps up on people unawares and over a period of time.

His behaviour now towards you is controlling; his behaviour towards you after the triathlon is further proof of that.

Read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. You will find descriptions of your H in those pages.

He really does want to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making. I would be planning my exit from this marriage.

Thanks for your reply, I know you're right, I just so desperately want to make it work, I'm putting up with all sorts.

OP posts:

Rainingalldayonmyhead · 14/03/2025 15:29

Sorry OP I think you are being hard on yourself. You did nothing wrong and don’t deserve any punishment in a healthy and loving relationship.

You fell asleep - it happens. It doesn’t mean he just jumps to worst case scenario.

We all used to be fine in the world without mobile phones and constant need for checking in and texting.

He knew you were out - what if you didn’t get reception until 1am etc.

I find his reaction to be disproportionate heavy handed. He needs to act like an adult and have a conversation not act like a child and ignore you.

Aaron95 · 14/03/2025 15:34

His reaction is bonkers. You got drunk and fell asleep. How on earth does he go from that to "she's cheating on me".

Is he always this jealous?

Cucy · 14/03/2025 15:35

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 15:23

Why would I lie on Mumsnet? I know exactly what happened, and it's interesting women I know with careers who network a lot and go for drinks have totally got it.

I knew there was space in the hotel, in fact loads of space, so that wasn't something that concerned me. I was also in Manchester, not the back of beyond, with clients who I know well, not a woman on my own in some remote village.

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But you would surely still book a hotel room when you decided you were going to drink and not drive.

And as soon as you decided you were going to drink and not drive home, most people would have texted their DW to let them know that they’re not coming home.

You have a partner at home and it’s normal to let them know that you won’t be home that night.

You act like you fell asleep and so forgot to tell them but you knew as soon as you started drinking that you wouldn’t be home. So it’s odd that you wouldn’t just let them know.
I assume you don’t have kids.

Cucy · 14/03/2025 15:36

Aaron95 · 14/03/2025 15:34

His reaction is bonkers. You got drunk and fell asleep. How on earth does he go from that to "she's cheating on me".

Is he always this jealous?

If your DH booked a hotel room and stayed out for the night without letting you know, would you not find it a bit odd?

kungfoofighting · 14/03/2025 15:37

Don’t think you’ve done anything wrong

BadBerlin · 14/03/2025 15:38

Honestly, stop pandering to this shit.
Find your anger at being falsely accused of being a cheat by the person who should know you best & 'punished' by stoney silence.
It's unacceptable!
I say this as someone married to a sulker who no longer panders to the sulker.

'Look Kevin, I've apologised for not keeping you updated - I understand you were worried about me. I would have worried too.

But I did not fucking cheat and it really upsets me that the man I've been with for 15 years actually thinks that little of me. You know it's bullshit. I know it's bullshit & Im starting to think just an excuse for drama, which has gone on long enough now.

Either get over yourself and stop sulking, or we need to consider if a realitionship where there's no trust & you comminicate like a mardy child is actually worth me feeling like this.

You have a think, let me know later.'

And go out. Just let him be angry - it's total bullshit. You made a mistake, you apologised. The End.

Original poster

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 15:41

Rainingalldayonmyhead · 14/03/2025 15:29

Sorry OP I think you are being hard on yourself. You did nothing wrong and don’t deserve any punishment in a healthy and loving relationship.

You fell asleep - it happens. It doesn’t mean he just jumps to worst case scenario.

We all used to be fine in the world without mobile phones and constant need for checking in and texting.

He knew you were out - what if you didn’t get reception until 1am etc.

I find his reaction to be disproportionate heavy handed. He needs to act like an adult and have a conversation not act like a child and ignore you.

Thanks, the thing is, I do understand why he is upset, I'm disputing that, so I do agree we need to move on now. It's horrific in this house with the atmosphere. I', beating myself up awfully as well, which it making it 10 times worse.

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Original poster

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 15:42

BadBerlin · 14/03/2025 15:38

Honestly, stop pandering to this shit.
Find your anger at being falsely accused of being a cheat by the person who should know you best & 'punished' by stoney silence.
It's unacceptable!
I say this as someone married to a sulker who no longer panders to the sulker.

'Look Kevin, I've apologised for not keeping you updated - I understand you were worried about me. I would have worried too.

But I did not fucking cheat and it really upsets me that the man I've been with for 15 years actually thinks that little of me. You know it's bullshit. I know it's bullshit & Im starting to think just an excuse for drama, which has gone on long enough now.

Either get over yourself and stop sulking, or we need to consider if a realitionship where there's no trust & you comminicate like a mardy child is actually worth me feeling like this.

You have a think, let me know later.'

And go out. Just let him be angry - it's total bullshit. You made a mistake, you apologised. The End.

Edited

This is exactly what I feel like saying! I'm struggling to find my anger as I feel so unbelievably anxious.

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thepariscrimefiles · 14/03/2025 15:43

Cucy · 14/03/2025 15:36

If your DH booked a hotel room and stayed out for the night without letting you know, would you not find it a bit odd?

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OP told her DH that she might to into the office the next day in which case she would book a hotel. She phoned him at 1.00 am so he wasn't tossing and turning all night with worry. He immediately accused her of cheating, even though she has no history of infidelity so he had no reason not to trust her.

Terrribletwos · 14/03/2025 15:44

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 14:21

I unfortunately didn’t eat dinner as we went straight from the meeting to drinks, I was surprised how quickly I felt so ill.

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He's behaving like an arse! You went out for a few drinks. Okay it didn't end well but an alright partner would be sympathetic not arsey.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2025 15:44

Why do you desperately want this to work?. Ask yourself that question because you are indeed putting up with all sorts of abuse from him. Your relationship to him is over to all intents and purposes due to the abuse he metes out.

His controlling behaviour towards you is abusive; no two ways about it. He wants to punish you for any transgression against him that you commit. He wants to win at all costs and it is not your fault he has decided to embark on his own private based war against you.

You always co-operate, the abuser never co-operates.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2025 15:45

Are you anxious as well because you are afraid of him and or his reaction?.

Terrribletwos · 14/03/2025 15:47

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 15:42

This is exactly what I feel like saying! I'm struggling to find my anger as I feel so unbelievably anxious.

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Don't feel anxious. He's in the wrong. He's controlling your every move.

BadBerlin · 14/03/2025 15:48

Oolliivviiaa · 14/03/2025 15:42

This is exactly what I feel like saying! I'm struggling to find my anger as I feel so unbelievably anxious.

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I know that horrible anxious feeling.

But in his heart, he knows it's bullshit.
It's the pandering to it that allows him continue the same behaviour, it's nice to feel justified & have someone fawn over you.

Change the narrative to change the situation. It's in your power to do that & you didnt do anything harmful to him, you or he relationship.

He's massively overreacting.

Cucy · 14/03/2025 15:49

thepariscrimefiles · 14/03/2025 15:43

OP told her DH that she might to into the office the next day in which case she would book a hotel. She phoned him at 1.00 am so he wasn't tossing and turning all night with worry. He immediately accused her of cheating, even though she has no history of infidelity so he had no reason not to trust her.

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And as soon as she started drinking (which was before 9:30pm) she knew that she’d be staying in a hotel and not going home but decided not to tell her partner.

I couldn’t imagine not texting my DH and letting them know that I’d decided to drink and so I wouldn’t be home that night.

Your DH must do this which is why you would be ok with it but I would expect better communication from my DH and I would give the same if it was the other way around too.

NameChanges123 · 14/03/2025 15:50

Just on another tack - how come you haven’t had a night out in two years? Your choice… or his?