Husband gives me the ‘ick’ - can we come back from this?

[ToothHurtyAppointment]

Just that really. 24 years and the last five or so he’s given me the ick. Just listing things here to get it all out and see if this marriage can be salvaged.

• when I’m not around he is really nasty to our children (older teens). I feel he’s jealous I’m close to them and he’s not. But he’s never been there for them and understandably, they want little to do with him when he’s dam right sneaky and mean to them.
• he is really clingy to me. When he’s home he really just wants to cuddle all the time and do nothing else. Literally just lay in bed and cuddle. We have a 5 year old who needs us (he’s not nasty to her…yet). We have housework. We have a tonne of things to do but he would only be happy if it was just me and him in bed for an entire weekend.
• if I ever put Netflix on or anything on tv, which is not very often, he’ll leave the room and give me the silent treatment. If I’m ever on my phone (he can see me just playing solitaire) he will punish me by giving me the silent treatment. If I ever check social media (I only have TikTok to watch pimple popping videos), that’s when he starts saying he thinks I’m going to leave him.
• i am a teacher, if i have work to do over the weekend in the study, he constantly checks up on me, making silly excuses to come into the room (like pretending he is looking for something). I know he’s checking up on me, thinking I’m having some sort of online affair or something.
• he’s very paranoid that I’ll leave him for someone better. His words. So sometimes he’ll come home from work and be in a mood because he “thinks I deserve better” and that I’ll leave him. This sucks any happiness out of the house. Nothing sets this off. Honestly, if we were to split the very last thing on earth I’d want is another man.
• he doesn’t help with any housework or car work or garden work unless I get to a point and lose my shit. Then he’ll magically start helping for a week or so before reverting back.
• he’s constantly moody.
• over the years he’s “accidentally” broken pretty much anything that was ever special to me. I’m not sentimental but each of our children’s hand casts from when they were babies have all been broken by him dropping them over the years. He says he’ll fix them but never has.
• he coughs and sneezes SO loud all the time. For years.
• doesn’t brush his teeth. Ever. Or visit a dentist.
• Disrespectful of my time. If I mop the floor he’ll walk straight on it with shoes on etc.

Due to the above he’s just become so unattractive to me now. I’ve mentally checked out of the marriage. I can’t bear to have him near me. He constantly refers to me as his best friend but he never wants to do anything except cuddle me. But because of how he is, I can’t be near him, he’s given me the ick. I can’t come back from this, can I?

Well he’s right isn’t he OP.
You ARE going to leave him.
He’s known that fact for a long time, much longer than you, and it’s now that strange psychological thing where he’s trying to hurry it along to get it over with, even though he dreads it as he will be forced to grow up.
But just wait, he will still enjoy being able to say…… I told you so.

Seems to me he’s remained at 15 years old in terms of emotional development. His children have overtaken him by miles and now pity him.
At least you will have their backing and support in making the move to end your marriage. Your DD in particular will be cheering you along to complete and successful independence. What a gift she is to you. And they don’t have to see him if they don’t want to.

Your five year old has a different sort of relationship with him it seems, maybe because she hasn’t yet overtaken him in her emotional development.
All you can do when the time comes for him to have his contact time with her is to warn him and threaten him with family court if he ever puts a foot wrong. She has you - and her siblings looking out for her and protecting her too.

Because he got stuck in his emotional development, he’s used manipulation, coercion, control and demeaning you and the children to replace his lack of adult interaction skills.
He tries to hold onto you, literally hold on to you, because he knows you can (and will) do far better.

Good luck OP. I’m sure you will be thinking hard and making your plans, with the support of your DC, very soon. Take your time to get used to the idea. You’ve had a terrible shock today. Take care.

how can you talk & cuddle with him breathing his rancid breath in your face though😱

This is him expressing his contempt for you isnt it😟

Jesus. I want to divorce this man! He sounds just awful. You can do better, or just be happy and free on your own. Good luck xx

Yep! Just this.

He sounds abusive. You may want to get in contact with Women’s Aid.

You are in an abusive relationship

I don’t want to just say leave as I know it’s not as easy or simple as that but you need help and need an exit plan

Doesn’t clean his teeth??? That’s enough.

It's the not brushing his teeth for me, the rest is already crap but that is the cherry on the cake. 🤢 You've put up with it a lot longer than I would have. He sounds very insecure in himself or he is being unfaithful to you and trying to turn it around on you. My mums second husband was like this, constantly accusing her of seeing someone else or wanting to be with someone else. She could never understand why until she found out he was having the affair...

Most of these aren’t icks. Icks are something a bit more silly, a lot of these are awful, like the first one, or disgusting,not cleaning his teeth

“I can’t come back from this can I?”

Why would you want to?

Don’t say anything to him until you have lined up all your ducks. Speak to a solicitor and find out what your are entitled to etc. Do you have joint finances? Would he empty the account of money to be spiteful?

it’s tough being a teacher but you can self certify for 7 days and get these things sorted so you go to him prepared and ready for all the counter arguments etc

does he have somewhere to go?

how is the house owned?

tell him not to speak to the children like that again and brush his teeth 🤮

Get financial advice, take a few months to act on it, then leave him. What he’s doing is emotional manipulation and it’s wrong.

Complete Narc.
What you want to be watching for is that he's not projecting on you because he's actually the one having affairs etc.
He has attachment issues, its anxious, dismissive & avoidance Depending on who he's with. I'd be saving my children from history repeating itself. Have a word with him about how his relationship is with his children, if he values it he will change. If not, I'd be running away with my kods. Can definitely see if you ended the relationship he would refuse to leave the family home... keep an eye on his op.

You're already a single parent running the show. Look after yourself and your kids x

“he’s very paranoid that I’ll leave him for someone better. His words. So sometimes he’ll come home from work and be in a mood because he “thinks I deserve better” and that I’ll leave him.”

You do deserve better!!!

Your poor DD being treated differently to the boys, that will have an impact on her whether she's openly showing it or not. You keep saying that you didn't know about the extent of the bullying OP but then continue to show that you did. You knew he was saying awful things to them when youre not there, you know he's treating your daughter differently to the boys, you said that he would rather it be just you two alone, your kids will see that preference in him by the way he acts towards them. Apparently the kids dont care much for his opinions and he doesnt affect them, but this time theyve been really upset by him just this one time? You can downplay it as much as you like but its pretty obvious you've known it was worse than what you're trying to make out. Leave now for your children's sake, they dont care about a nice lifestyle, they want love and support, someone who treats them with respect not a bully father in a fancy home!

You need to be very careful if you are leaving him. He does not sound mentally sound. He hates your kids because he's jealous of their relationship with you. He could get very dangerous if you tell him you're leaving.

Seek help from organisations that support women at risk.

He sounds like my exdh - including the bad dental hygiene! Dd2 refuses to have anything to do with him as he has been so horrid to her but he was worse to dd1. In fact I can't think of a nice thing to say about him. He apparently accepted my decision to divorce him but refuses to discuss it or move out. He is currently giving me the silent treatment as I told him dd1 wasn't stupid by having the doormat next to the door and according to his logic this meant I was calling him stupid. Longish story but I put a wet shoe on the laminate as the doormat was a long step away from the door and he said I wouldn't do it in dd1's house. I didn't realise he was solely responsible for the misplacing of the mat and I am the only one who cleans the floor.

Another one saying please just leave him. He sounds foul. He broke those hand casts out of jealousy. If you still have the pieces take them to be restored.

💐

You have become his comfort object - just like a childhood teddy - and now that you're no longer exactly where he left you (you're now back at work), have older children to interact with (competition) his insecurities are building up. From what you're describing, he just wants to cuddle with teddy all day, with teddy giving him full attention. If I'm correct, now that he's horrible to your older children (boys, by any chance?) you know what you have to do, for them as well as yourself.

No you can’t come back from this is the answer..you’re going to have to get out, sounds unbearable

But you must have known how he was with your daughter before now, because you say his behaviour with her has been misogynistic and sexist.
Those observations haven't come from the words she rang you up about, have they?
That is from watching his behaviour over time.
Wasn't that enough to kick you into action?

Why are they like this?! I’ve got the ick reading it too! I feel like he’s either cheated himself or maybe his parents did it’s very odd behaviour

He sounds very odd. Luckily your teens should be old enough to simply not see him once you leave. If he is that absent from them and clingy to you, would he want to see the 5yo?