I need a good rant - advice also helpful!

[Sunflowers67]

So, we have been together about 15 years now - living together for 14 of those.
I always knew he was a little 'quirky' but I suppose with family, friends, busy career, I was able to handle it better.
Now, we are both semi retired, my dad passed away so my mum lives with us (not easy, but what else can an only child do), the kids have left home and his 'quirky' little ways are far more noticeable, annoying and darn right hurtful at times.
We are also due to get married in two weeks and I don't think I'm gonna do it. It wont bother him if we don't, he'll just shrug his shoulders and carry on as usual. He wont leave our home or threaten to end the relationship - he never does. Sometimes I wish there would be a huge display of emotion and anger and then we can both just shout at each other, get it out of our systems and then communicate and repair. But he doesn't communicate, he never sees a problem and I am increasingly becoming immune and unfeeling towards him - I suppose its a form of self protection.
We have separate bedrooms, seperate interests and I would say we have lived together like two mates for years - except I don't treat my mates like this.

So, what does he do that is so bad? he doesn't drink much, he is not a cheat, he is not secretive, he would help anyone (except me), he tolerates my mother living with us, he gets on well with my grown up kids (he chooses not to see his family).
He has no emotions, he cannot 'read a room', he doesnt know when I am sad or worried or down as he cannot recognise body language or facial expressions. I have felt for quite some time that he is maybe autistic (his son is, which is why he chooses not to see him - he cant handle the skewed thoughts and strange behaviours from him and never did when he was a small child - the boy was raised by his alcoholic mother, we tried for custody but because we didn't get it, my other half then decided to not see the boy).
Not my style of parenting, but it was his choice.
Now, as we are getting on in years and my health has taken a down turn, I need his support and understanding more. And it isn't there. But then it never was.
I spend my days doing my own thing around the large property that we have - if we try and do something together, gardening, cleaning, maintenance, he just gets frustrated that I'm not doing it his way! So we work separately.
Many a time I have tried to talk to him and he takes it so personally, gets angry, wants very specific examples of how his behaviour has hurt me - and even if I do remember specifics, he then disputes it and turns it all around so as its me with the problem.
Then I am the one more upset, the one staying in my room wondering how my life amounted to this? And what dooes he do whilst I'm upset? He is carrying on as normal, in his own little world. He'll put some music on, he will sing and whistle and be merry. I suppose in his mind, this is me being me - moody, upset and I will snap out of it in a few days. Which I do. The hurt dissipates a little so I carry on functioning normally again - I will talk to him, I will get busy and then round we go again. Same old same old.
I have given up trying to talk to him, I know it does no good. I have tried to get us into some counselling but no where near me does 'couples counselling' - he is willing to go if I find somewhere. He is probably hoping that a counsellor will point out 'the error of my ways'.
I think what bothers me the most is the fact that it doesn't bother him that we are like this - that he is not upset, he doesn't try to talk to me about us, there is just nothing there with him.
I am upstairs now, typing this, and I can hear him downstairs singing away, happy and joyful. I feel like I want to go downstairs and hit him with the large skillet and scream 'feel that buster?!' - I wont, I'm not a violent person. But god does he bring out the worst in me.

Going our separate ways is probably the best option but its quite a scary thought to go it alone after 15 years - and then splitting all the assets, looking after mother, tending to this large place/or even having to sell it and split the proceeds, lawyers. He also would not leave the home so we would be living in more hell until everything was finalised and I am the only one that feels the pain of that.

I suppose I really want us/him to change. And I'm old enough to know that wont happen - been there/divorced that many years ago.

Thank you for letting me offload.

#Rainbows41 Thank you for taking the time and wading through all that nastiness and craziness - I hope it didn't bring up too many painful memories for you.
I read a post on here once that made me stop and wonder the same as you! It was so similar to my life and how I felt, it was uncanny.
I think many of us go through very similar because these men do follow a pattern. Over the last few weeks I have read everything there is to read on the subject and could probably get an honoury doctorate in passive aggressive narcissism!

Well done to you for rescuing yourself from it - I know how hard that is. The trauma they cause is ingrained and takes every ounce of your resilience and self control to keep fighting it.

Just the other day, something happened and I reached for my phone to text him and tell him - I still turn around in the kitchen to ask if he wants a cup of tea, I still default to picking up things in the supermarket that I know he would like - and so it goes on.

Every single day feels like a battle in healing myself - but this battle has a happy ending. The battle of staying with someone like that never will.

Keep smiling and remember how amazing you are 🌻

The same to you, too, Sunflowers. 🌈

A very bizarre letter from his solicitor today - the one just a few days ago was proposing to move back in and live in the annexe, he is so sure that all charges will be dropped and the restraining order gone very soon.
Then, straight on the back of that one was another - refusing my offer to buy out his share of the house, proposing his own hugely inflated counter offer (which I cannot afford) and then more money on top for everything he has done for me - then it lists the things.....
Cut the hedges & mowed the grass
painted a wall or two in the house
Jet washed the patio
Drove me to hospital appointments
Fixed a TV aerial on the roof

Previous to this house, we lived together in another house for 12 years.
He has listed things that he did there too.

Have I fallen asleep and woken up in Narnia?

Do I need to charge him for the cooking, cleaning, laundry, wallpapering, car washing that I did for all the years together?

Befuddled, bewildered and so confused by this.
Surely his solicitor would be saying to him 'hey mate - all that stuff doesn't count - you were a couple living together and couples do things for each other, their home, their future - you can't now expect payment for it"

Nah he can ignore solicitors advice and ask them to send whatever offer he wants to.

You reply back to his solicitor reiterating your fair and reasonable offer and that you will be initiating court proceedings to force sale/financial resolution.

There is nothing to argue over in the eyes of the law other than the market price of the property.

How many valuations have you had, presumably you asked them to state what they expect to sell it for rather than what to market it at?

When I say you, don’t pay your solicitor to write another letter just write it yourself.

#RandomMess

When I say you, don’t pay your solicitor to write another letter just write it yourself.

As tempting as that is, it would feel too much like contacting him - I don't want to do that. I feel safer, calmer, more in my own life than his by paying a solicitor to deal with him.
It would also then prompt him to do the same and before we know it we are pen pals! Well, I don't suppose he can do that due to the restraining order and no contact.

The contents of that letter and the previous one just struck me as so bizarre - but then I suppose he was.

@Sunflowers67

I get wanting the solicitor as a go between. I think I'd probably feel the same way.

I'd think a simple letter from them saying "Your counter offer is not acceptable" would be all that needs to be said. I'm assuming the next step will be court to force a sale because I wouldn't waste any more time trying to get him to agree to a buy out. It's not going to happen. So I suppose your solicitor can add the legal-speak for "See you in court, Buster".

I wouldn't bother responding at all. Treat it with the contempt it deserves.

Instruct your solicitor to start court proceedings to force sale/financial resolution. That is your 'answer' to his silly letter.

I agree really with those saying to treat his letter with the contempt it deserves, but an itemised bill for all the services you provided during your relationship would be funny.

Oh you don’t write to him, you write to his solicitor.

The thing with solicitors letters is that they will write whatever their client wants them to. They will advise, but at the end of the day they will do what they are instructed to do.

Chances are his solicitor has probably said ‘mate, what you’ve put down is batshit and just general life, plus your offer is over inflated’ but if your ex wants to list those things and put in that offer that’s what they will do. Much to their amusement and he’ll pay for the privilege.

It’s always struck me as odd that people will disregard solicitors advice, thinking they know better, or know what a judge will say if it goes to court, like those 5 years at uni studying family law mean nothing. A quick google or their opinion of the situation trumps the law and degree theirnsolicitor has obtained.

Can I ask , as you effectively gifted him the share of the house . Can it not be argued that he coerced you into giving it to him?
And therefore he's not entitled to anything?

#Karmakamelion Can I ask , as you effectively gifted him the share of the house . Can it not be argued that he coerced you into giving it to him?
And therefore he's not entitled to anything?

Yes, this was discussed with my solicitor - however, it can cost upwards of 40K to bring a case such as that about. There is a good chance that it would not be proven and I end up with a big bill. I cant afford to take that chance.
And to be fair, we did spend many years together, it wasn't all bad, he helped me with a few things ( I know that sounds bizarre after all the abuse too) but I know I will recover from the abuse.
I also have to feel comfortable in my own skin and not fight fire with fire. At the end of the day it is only bricks and mortar so let him have it.
I have to stick with my own morals and values as well as having no more fight left in me.
I just want this done, at a fair price as I will not be ripped off by him, and then I can get on with my life in peace and quiet.

My dear old dad worked his butt off all his life to provide for me and mum and I can hear him saying "pay him off love - its only money and you cant take it with you - be happy and look after your mam for me".

@Sunflowers67 no it doesn't sound bizarre. Nobody's all bad. However you are doing the right thing for you and your morals so be so proud that you still have them after all he put you through.
You are truly inspiring x

It either makes me a good person or a doormat 😆

I hope you're doing well. You must feel so much more peace day-to-day now, without his presence looming. Have you had any guests at the guest house?

No maintaining your moral code makes you a good person. Please remember that if he starts gaslighting x

Bit of a bad day today - quite emotional about everything, feeling like I miss him, feeling like I have lost the love of my life and will now just be a lonely old woman who will never heal from him.
Then I remind myself of what he did and how he treated me and I'm okay ish again.
Its like a wound that wont heal because you keep picking at the scab - in this scenario he can be the scab 😀
I'm staying a busy bee, I have more than enough to occupy my mind and body but these stupid questions and doubts keep popping into my head.

My friend said "if you don't get the odd bad day, we would never recognise the good ones as there would be nothing to compare them with".

Therapy tomorrow so I will bend her ear again.

@Sunflowers67

Those moments of sadness are perfectly normal. But know that you aren't grieving him, you're grieving the 'death of the dream'. You had a dream of what your life would be like and now that dream is gone, smashed to pieces by him.

But there will be new and better dreams for you, once you get through the rough part. And you will get through the rough part, I promise.

oh why is life so complicated at times????

Certain people make it more complicated than it actually is/needs to be. Isn't it the case that it is mainly him making your life complicated? You're incompatible (possibly most people would be incompatible with him). Yes there's your mother but you say straightforwardly, she'll live with you. It's him that's stirring up the horrible emotions and confusion and DARVO. How useful would he be really, if you stuck with him? Enough to make the ups and downs and DARVO worth it? Is anything worth that? Could you get somewhere with your mum that makes things as easy as possible and will suit you in the longer term?

Another few ok and keeping busy days and then a few bad ones.

I know the source of it, so I can write it down and process it in my own time.

Being hooted and then shouted at by a passing car near to where I live started it off - I think he was either in the car or it was one of his pals. Never had anyone before him call me that 'C' word - I'm not really the type of person that angers anyone enough (except of course him). I also don't really know anyone around here so it was a little suspect and quite frightening.

Then today, a lady that helps me out a bit around the business tells me that he had rung her! Completely out of the blue so it struck her as odd as he has never ever contacted her before.
He asked if she knew we had split and did she know why? Then he said he had some work for her via a friend. She declined it. He then said that once all this was over he would like to tell her just what sort of person I am! She said she was not interested and did not want to be involved - but then he texts her a few times about random things and then says he made a mistake about the job and it wasn't available - even though she had declined it anyway!

This lady is a survivor of domestic abuse and felt that I needed to know that he was contacting her and other people about me, telling them that I was evil and accusing him of awful things. She said she had wrestled with the idea of not telling me in case it had upset me but then had decided that I needed to know - although she does not wish to be involved.

Then the next day, another person told me that they had spoken to him and they felt it was just terrible for him to have to cope with me not wanting him anymore, making him homeless, refusing to give him money, but to then accuse him of attacking me was just plain nasty of me. I don't even know this person - only by sight, but I know he was very friendly with her and her partner at the pubs he frequented.

I feel that I am being harassed all over again but this time by people that this is 1. none of their business and 2. don't know the truth and just see this sad victim that he is playing.

I feel very upset by it all and probably feel like that poor kid in the school playground that everyone avoids and bullies.
I have not retaliated in any way - I just hold my head up and walk away, but isn't it just so horrible and frustrating for people to think so bad of you as a person? I haven't lied, I haven't made all this up just for fun - why are people so bloody spiteful and nasty and ignorant.

I have informed the police as I don't feel secure again - I feel his anger and his desire to retaliate & punish me have far reaching tentacles. I am going to stay home for a few days and keep a very low profile. It is a shame as I had just started to go out and join a few clubs and do things that I enjoy, but in all honesty, I don't feel safe out there. I can almost see the cloud of anger coming off of him and surrounding my home with its toxic gas.

So a letter from your solicitor to his solicitor, warning him about harassment / libel / bad mouthing you etc etc

and don't forget to inform the 2nd person that this piece of work is getting 1/3rd of your home because he bullied you into it - a property he never paid a single penny for.

what a wonderful payout for him.

he's got quite some history of pay offs !

How awful. Sending a big hug your way from the other side of the ocean. May this all be behind you soon

Leopard doesn't change it's spots. Good that you contacted the police. As there's an ongoing legal case, he could be in van hot water. Well done on walking away. Those nay sayers are not your friends and you owe them nothing. Definitely let your lawyer know as someone else suggested.

I would choose a grey rock response to anyone along the lines of “I’m not a liar & I’m his 2nd wife to have to divorce him for abuse.” or similar- I can’t remember what his ex said without scrolling.

Don’t get into detail but do get the truth out there.