I need a good rant - advice also helpful!

[Sunflowers67]

So, we have been together about 15 years now - living together for 14 of those.
I always knew he was a little 'quirky' but I suppose with family, friends, busy career, I was able to handle it better.
Now, we are both semi retired, my dad passed away so my mum lives with us (not easy, but what else can an only child do), the kids have left home and his 'quirky' little ways are far more noticeable, annoying and darn right hurtful at times.
We are also due to get married in two weeks and I don't think I'm gonna do it. It wont bother him if we don't, he'll just shrug his shoulders and carry on as usual. He wont leave our home or threaten to end the relationship - he never does. Sometimes I wish there would be a huge display of emotion and anger and then we can both just shout at each other, get it out of our systems and then communicate and repair. But he doesn't communicate, he never sees a problem and I am increasingly becoming immune and unfeeling towards him - I suppose its a form of self protection.
We have separate bedrooms, seperate interests and I would say we have lived together like two mates for years - except I don't treat my mates like this.

So, what does he do that is so bad? he doesn't drink much, he is not a cheat, he is not secretive, he would help anyone (except me), he tolerates my mother living with us, he gets on well with my grown up kids (he chooses not to see his family).
He has no emotions, he cannot 'read a room', he doesnt know when I am sad or worried or down as he cannot recognise body language or facial expressions. I have felt for quite some time that he is maybe autistic (his son is, which is why he chooses not to see him - he cant handle the skewed thoughts and strange behaviours from him and never did when he was a small child - the boy was raised by his alcoholic mother, we tried for custody but because we didn't get it, my other half then decided to not see the boy).
Not my style of parenting, but it was his choice.
Now, as we are getting on in years and my health has taken a down turn, I need his support and understanding more. And it isn't there. But then it never was.
I spend my days doing my own thing around the large property that we have - if we try and do something together, gardening, cleaning, maintenance, he just gets frustrated that I'm not doing it his way! So we work separately.
Many a time I have tried to talk to him and he takes it so personally, gets angry, wants very specific examples of how his behaviour has hurt me - and even if I do remember specifics, he then disputes it and turns it all around so as its me with the problem.
Then I am the one more upset, the one staying in my room wondering how my life amounted to this? And what dooes he do whilst I'm upset? He is carrying on as normal, in his own little world. He'll put some music on, he will sing and whistle and be merry. I suppose in his mind, this is me being me - moody, upset and I will snap out of it in a few days. Which I do. The hurt dissipates a little so I carry on functioning normally again - I will talk to him, I will get busy and then round we go again. Same old same old.
I have given up trying to talk to him, I know it does no good. I have tried to get us into some counselling but no where near me does 'couples counselling' - he is willing to go if I find somewhere. He is probably hoping that a counsellor will point out 'the error of my ways'.
I think what bothers me the most is the fact that it doesn't bother him that we are like this - that he is not upset, he doesn't try to talk to me about us, there is just nothing there with him.
I am upstairs now, typing this, and I can hear him downstairs singing away, happy and joyful. I feel like I want to go downstairs and hit him with the large skillet and scream 'feel that buster?!' - I wont, I'm not a violent person. But god does he bring out the worst in me.

Going our separate ways is probably the best option but its quite a scary thought to go it alone after 15 years - and then splitting all the assets, looking after mother, tending to this large place/or even having to sell it and split the proceeds, lawyers. He also would not leave the home so we would be living in more hell until everything was finalised and I am the only one that feels the pain of that.

I suppose I really want us/him to change. And I'm old enough to know that wont happen - been there/divorced that many years ago.

Thank you for letting me offload.

Morning - I've purposefully left the 'good' off but I really hope yours is.

Police rang me to say that the CPS are not prosecuting 'on this occasion'. The protection order now ends and he is free to come and go as he chooses at the house.

So here I sit, waiting and wondering what his next move is. Will he just turn up and move back into the spare bedroom or will he get off his arse and move out of the homeless shelter, get a place and not bother me again - I suppose legally he is no longer homeless so will have to leave there, which forces his hand.

My children are both away at the moment and cannot get home. It's just me and mum here. Yes the door is locked but he is allowed to demand entrance to the shared home and I will be arrested if I refuse. He is an innocent man in the eyes of the law.

I am so angry right now - but angry at the CPS and the police and anyone else that was meant to protect us. I sat for hours telling them the most private and embarrassing things that he made me do, the things he said to me and what for?
I have to cling on to the hope that he has had some help, seen a doctor or a therapist and realises that his behaviour was wrong, that he wronged me and he will never come near me again - but these people do not seek help. They carry grudges for the rest of their lives, hating the people that tried to bring them to task and hold them accountable for what they did.

I'm sorry - I am so emotional at the moment and don't know what to do, what to expect - I don't want to go back to living with that cruel, evil man again and I really didn't think I'd have to, ever ever again. Now, he could turn up at any moment, be in the kitchen making himself a cup of tea, sneering at me in the glow of his 'win'.

What did I go through the last three months for just to end up back here again, in the same situation?

This. Sorry to say but you made your bed when you just accepted him not wanting to see his child. That shows exactly what kind of human being he is.

If you can afford it ?
I would be very tempted to get out there and find him a rental and pay for it for say 6 months - taking the amount out of his money when everything is sorted.

I would tell him he is not coming back into my home and that you have found him an alternative.

Then you need to force his hand to accept the offer you have already made to him.

Time now for even more legal action / letters from you with a deadline for him.

Contact your MP and any organization that deals with coercive control and contact the CPS and remind them that when he comes back and abuses you and a vulnerable elder (your mother) this will all blow up in their faces as they will be in record dropping the ball. They really hate to have to explain after the fact why they failed to act.

@Sunflowers67

God I am so sorry. The system has failed you, as it's failed many others. It feels like the end of the world, but we both know it's not. It's just time for a 'course correction'.

The best thing you can do now is make what plans you can for the future and for your security. Do you have a lock on your bedroom door & Mum's door? Now's the time or time to change the barrels. Things you don't want him to lay hands on (documents, photos, jewelry, expensive items)? Now's the time to get them out of the house (a storage unit in Mum's name?) or behind those locked doors. Time to see your solicitor with an update and to see where you go from here.

You'll get through this. It may not be in exactly the way you want to and you may not emerge with all your flags flying, but you will get through it.

Cool head, squared shoulders, chin up. You can do it.

You’ve lost your house keys so need to change the locks. He can go via court to get a set of keys

@BuckChuckets
Why are you blaming the victim here?

I'm not, I actually hadn't read the whole thread (which is obviously my bad). She's definitely the victim here and it must be horrible for her.

But my point still stands that any man who actively can't be bothered to be in their children's lives is a terrible person, and a woman who thinks that's acceptable (especially as a parent themselves) needs to give their head a wobble. Obviously it doesn't justify or excuse his abusive behaviour towards her.

#BuckChuckets Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Lots of red flags waving around but I believed every word he said as he was 'my person' and I was too trusting, lonely, desperate - whatever you want to call it. I completely agree that anyone that can abandon their child is not a complete person. Well, I'm paying for that now even though I wasn't the bad guy in this story.

He was the bad guy, he is the bad guy and he always will be the bad guy. Choosing not to be in his child's life was his decision and, at the time, he had very valid and plausible reasons. Only years later (there's that hindsight again) did I realise that this was because he had no emotional attachment to his child, or any other person for that matter.

No person ever has the right or justification to treat another person the way he treated me. I also do not deserve to be told that it was my fault - in any shape or form.
I sincerely hope that you never have to experience the sort of relationship that sends many of us to forums such as this for the much needed support and a listening ear.

My dad used to say 'if you have nothing nice to say, probably best to keep quiet".

@Sunflowers67 I agree! You're not the bad person here, and never have been. You don't and never have and never will deserve to be abused, and I'm sorry you're going through this.

You're not the only woman to make excuses in your own head about why a man they're in love with chooses to have nothing to do with his children. And if only one woman reads your story and realises they're doing that, and realises they're going to end up in a similar situation, isn't that a good thing? A man who doesn't care about his children is not a good man.

Well, @Sunflowers67 you're Dad was a man of good old fashioned common sense, not nearly enough of that about now. I really am so sorry the courts have let you down, it happens far too often, they don't feel they have enough solid evidence so they don't prosecute.
You need to talk to your lawyer, just because the police won't charge him with a crime doesn't mean you can't get another protection order against him, civil law is more flexible. Until you can speak to your lawyers I'd put your keys in the lock so he can't get in, I'm not sure where you stand legally but there's no way I'd let him back in the house.
This is all SO crap and in your place I'd fight tooth and nail not to have him back

I have no intention of letting him back in this house, which is now a home again.

Let them arrest me and I will make sure that every newspaper and TV station hears how the CPS let me and my mum down. The only evidence they were missing to make a prosecution were bruises and broken bones.

I am so angry right now.

Good ! Channel that anger on Monday.

Sadly this is going to cost you, again !

and if / when he does turn up on the doorstep and wants the police to help him gain access I would remind everyone that you are not married, never have been married and so it is not the marital home that you are keeping him out of.

I know it's calling his / their bluff but every day / hour / minute you keep him out of your home is a win for you.

When he says it's his property too, tell him to prove it - mortgage statements etc.

You need to start making things hard / horrid for him.

and you know what, when he dies one day - I hope he rots in hell.

Oh Sunflowers, I’m so sorry. So glad for your anger. This will not break you. You got this, keep fighting.

What's that prayer - the serenity prayer I think its called:

Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot change the outcome from the CPS - but at least there is now a record and when another woman makes a Claire's law application, there he will be.

I was petrified of going to court - I would have done it but now I can stop stressing over it.

In his mind 'he has won' - which will hopefully mean that he is satisfied with his 'victory' over me and will want to move on with his life, accept my buy out offer and go away permanently.

I've met some wonderful people, I have a small social life, I am enjoying finding out who I am.

I'm still on my healing journey, my road to recovery - he will never be a complete human being.

And its a beautiful day!

This is such disappointing news but one I've heard time and time again 🤬

As you say at least there is a record and although reporting it hasn't ended in a prosecution it has put something on his file and will hopefully protect the next person

Remember they are not saying you are lying or it didn't happen but that what you suffered at his hands did not meet the level to get a successful prosecution which is a very high bar.

You can walk about with your head held high knowing that you are a beautiful human being that treats everyone with kindness and respect and he has to go about knowing he is a loser of the highest order who chose not to see his son and has to lovebomb, coerce and manipulate people to get anywhere in life.

I know who I would rather be 🩷

Maybe read the whole thread before deciding to make a very upset person feel even worse. Nobody who has been following this thread would be blaming the victim.

I've already said I'm not victim blaming, I'm making a point to other people reading that a man who chooses to not see his children is not a man to be in a relationship with.

It doesn't mean she deserved to be abused. Both things can be true at the same time 😂

@BuckChuckets Stop derailing the thread with self justification.

Stop derailing the thread by tagging me 😂

Maybe you could BOTH stop, since sniping at each other will definitely derail things…

So many good moments of getting to know yourself lie ahead for you! I hope you are able now to put that misplaced pity for that wretched man to rest and focus on you, mum, the home and your circle of people who don’t turn you into a shell of yourself!

Well I appear to have hit a slump and as hard as I try, I am stuck in the mindset of just waiting for him to turn up here. Which means he has power over me again.
I think twice about going outside, I'm locking the door if I go and peg out the washing, I'm just bloody paranoid at the slightest noise.
I am changing my schedule, I am looking over my shoulder, I am scared and I cannot get away from that.

I saw my therapist today and we had a good talk through it all - even she feels scared for me so what hope have I got? My mum is busy watching TV shows about women that are killed by their partners and then making notes about the statistics and the demographics of it all.

I have thought about just leaving - I probably would if it was just me to worry about but I cant drag an elderly woman across country - she needs stability and her own bed and chair.

I think its just the not knowing, the waiting to see what he does next - do these man-child bullies really have the giant sized testicles needed to just show up again as if nothing has happened?
"Hi honey, I'm home, what's for tea"? (visions of Jack Nicholson peering through the smashed door).

I think I may have had my very first brush with a panic attack earlier too. Couldn't get any air, head swimming, clammy, chest pain, feeling like I was going to die. I started counting backwards from 99, which seemed to focus my breathing a little better and by the time I got to 77 I was able to move again.

I hate that this horrible little man has so much control and power over me again when he is not even here - yet.

I am just so sorry you are going through thus. I wonder if getting eldercare services involved would help? I think advocacy for your mother’s safety might be easier for advocates than intervening in what they (stupidly) think is a civil dispute between the two of you?

#pikkumyy77
I've tried and failed on that one too! I have been trying to get them involved for mum since this all started some months ago. My emails were ignored initially, the on-line referral wasn't answered, telephone messages were never returned. Eventually, I was given a trainee social worker to be allocated to mum and she arranged to come out and visit us. She never showed up. I arranged another appointment, again, she never showed up.

I'm just done with it all, fed up with it all and just want quiet, peace and no drama.

Bloody well sod the lot of them.