I need a good rant - advice also helpful!

[Sunflowers67]

So, we have been together about 15 years now - living together for 14 of those.
I always knew he was a little 'quirky' but I suppose with family, friends, busy career, I was able to handle it better.
Now, we are both semi retired, my dad passed away so my mum lives with us (not easy, but what else can an only child do), the kids have left home and his 'quirky' little ways are far more noticeable, annoying and darn right hurtful at times.
We are also due to get married in two weeks and I don't think I'm gonna do it. It wont bother him if we don't, he'll just shrug his shoulders and carry on as usual. He wont leave our home or threaten to end the relationship - he never does. Sometimes I wish there would be a huge display of emotion and anger and then we can both just shout at each other, get it out of our systems and then communicate and repair. But he doesn't communicate, he never sees a problem and I am increasingly becoming immune and unfeeling towards him - I suppose its a form of self protection.
We have separate bedrooms, seperate interests and I would say we have lived together like two mates for years - except I don't treat my mates like this.

So, what does he do that is so bad? he doesn't drink much, he is not a cheat, he is not secretive, he would help anyone (except me), he tolerates my mother living with us, he gets on well with my grown up kids (he chooses not to see his family).
He has no emotions, he cannot 'read a room', he doesnt know when I am sad or worried or down as he cannot recognise body language or facial expressions. I have felt for quite some time that he is maybe autistic (his son is, which is why he chooses not to see him - he cant handle the skewed thoughts and strange behaviours from him and never did when he was a small child - the boy was raised by his alcoholic mother, we tried for custody but because we didn't get it, my other half then decided to not see the boy).
Not my style of parenting, but it was his choice.
Now, as we are getting on in years and my health has taken a down turn, I need his support and understanding more. And it isn't there. But then it never was.
I spend my days doing my own thing around the large property that we have - if we try and do something together, gardening, cleaning, maintenance, he just gets frustrated that I'm not doing it his way! So we work separately.
Many a time I have tried to talk to him and he takes it so personally, gets angry, wants very specific examples of how his behaviour has hurt me - and even if I do remember specifics, he then disputes it and turns it all around so as its me with the problem.
Then I am the one more upset, the one staying in my room wondering how my life amounted to this? And what dooes he do whilst I'm upset? He is carrying on as normal, in his own little world. He'll put some music on, he will sing and whistle and be merry. I suppose in his mind, this is me being me - moody, upset and I will snap out of it in a few days. Which I do. The hurt dissipates a little so I carry on functioning normally again - I will talk to him, I will get busy and then round we go again. Same old same old.
I have given up trying to talk to him, I know it does no good. I have tried to get us into some counselling but no where near me does 'couples counselling' - he is willing to go if I find somewhere. He is probably hoping that a counsellor will point out 'the error of my ways'.
I think what bothers me the most is the fact that it doesn't bother him that we are like this - that he is not upset, he doesn't try to talk to me about us, there is just nothing there with him.
I am upstairs now, typing this, and I can hear him downstairs singing away, happy and joyful. I feel like I want to go downstairs and hit him with the large skillet and scream 'feel that buster?!' - I wont, I'm not a violent person. But god does he bring out the worst in me.

Going our separate ways is probably the best option but its quite a scary thought to go it alone after 15 years - and then splitting all the assets, looking after mother, tending to this large place/or even having to sell it and split the proceeds, lawyers. He also would not leave the home so we would be living in more hell until everything was finalised and I am the only one that feels the pain of that.

I suppose I really want us/him to change. And I'm old enough to know that wont happen - been there/divorced that many years ago.

Thank you for letting me offload.

I'm glad you've notified the police @Sunflowers67 , if he's in any way broken your protection order they should know, unfortunately he's done this all before to other women so your Ex knows the loopholes.
Now he can't speak to you it's quite common for abusers to rope in anyone and their dog if they think it will make their Ex change their mind. By all means defend yourself Op but don't tell any of these people anything that will get back to your Ex, he'll just use it to say you're harassing him.

Thank you everyone.
I think being shouted at from the passing car was the worst - I know other people will believe what they want and I cannot stop that. Let them. I think it is just the sheer injustice of it - he puts me through all that and then still continues to try and hurt me through other people. He knows I am quite sensitive and an over-thinker at times, so he has struck at the Achilles heel.
And here I am, worrying, wondering and stressing as well as altering my new found social activities - just the result he wanted I expect.

I don't think he has breached the protection order in any way - he has not tried to contact me, except indirectly as he knows I will hear about it all. He would just say that he is not responsible for his pals deciding to shout at me, if it even was them, or he'd say that I am so evil that I probably have lots of people that want to shout at me from cars.

I just want this all over and done with.

I think most people, when contacted like this, already know why you don’t want him around.
Anyone who drinks with him in the pub will just agree with him, as people who are regular drinkers do.
Contacting the female employee is an awful thing to do.
It’s narc behaviour, trying to get a little squad on side.

Please do not stop your new activities/hobbies. How ever much your inclination is to do that, keep yourself busy and go.

My ex did this shit. Rang everyone we knew and told them what a bad person I was. He kept doing it and eventually they got tired of him ringing. Stay strong OP. X

@Sunflowers67

I suppose it's par for the course for a guilty person. He knows what he's done and 'who he is' so he has to issue 'preemptive strikes' to try to save his pathetic skin in the court of public opinion.

Just remember that 'those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind'. Those people are showing you their true colours and you wouldn't want them in your life anyway. And in time things will die down. There's always another 'scandal' coming down the pike to take the attention of those who love to 'get involved'.

I understand keeping your side of the story to yourself, but don't be afraid to slowly tell your side (or bits of it) if and when the time feels right and to people you feel will be receptive.

Please don't alter your routines or give up activities. Hold your head high and go about your business. You know you have done nothing wrong. And worthless words from worthless people shouldn't deter you from building your new life.

Have courage, you have come so far and done so well. I can understand why you want to retreat a bit and that will reduce your feeling of fear and stop you being exposed to the noise he is creating. Could you try to reframe it as a chance to chill, to work on a project of some sort, be that creative or declutterring or decorating. Obviously record everything happening, make sure your children know and enjoy not responding in kind. You have the moral high ground and the people that matter know that.

Please do not give up your social things.

Presumably the female friend of his wasn't at one of them but you happened upon them in the street.
Could you still go and just park closer or go to a class in a nearby town instead?

Not that I think you should change anything in your life because of him but to give you peace of mind.

I've been stalked by my ex-husband and it's the most awful thing ever, having to be one step ahead all the time, thinking about where he might appear from or whether I would have enough time to get from my car into my house before he got me 🙁

Are you able to start counselling to help you deal with all this?

Yes!

This is end stage narcissism when your ex tries to ruin your reputation and destroy your sense of community.

Role play with your therapist or a good friend until you can be calm and have a ready response.

The ideal when someone approaches you to give you a piece of their mind is to undermine their confidence in him.

Bored affect “Oh poor Jim, is he still scrambling around for attention? If he had spent half the energy working that he spends down at the pub he’d be set for life.”

Amused “Is that what he told you? Funny that he is still begging me to come back as the love of his life. Odd way to go about showing me he cares.”

Businesslike, take out phone and press record “Would you mind repeating that and giving me the dates when he contacted you. My solicitor asked me to keep a record of his attacks for court.”

Well, I decided to retreat to home for a few days, practice a little self care, have a good mope/cry, watch a lot of trash on the TV, re-read my journal entries, eat biscuits in bed and generally do what the heck I wanted/needed for a few days.

I have to say, the red eyed, greasy haired and stinking pyjama look is not really working on me - so a kick up the backside was needed.

Soak in the bath - tick
Hair conditioned - tick
Hair colour - to do -or keep the grey streaks?
Painted toe nails - tick
Face mask - tick
Clean clothes and washed pyjamas - tick

Booked a holiday with some girl friends and joined an adult education class, gave the car a mini service and started cleaning the house.

My 'to do' list is enormous but my 'I want to do' list is smaller and being achieved.

The police have started to contact people that gave statements for me, in preparation for a court case I suppose. I will hear today about the protection order being extended - it runs out again today, which is probably why I hit a bit of a slump. It has been on my mind.
Solicitors are still going backwards and forwards as I get poorer and poorer - it is all so senseless and needless - a regular relationship breakdown with a normal human being could have saved us thousands!

"What do you want?"
"I'd like this, that and the other"
"OK, that's reasonable"
"Can I keep the toaster and the photo of Uncle Arthur?"
"Yes of course"
"Bye"
"Bye"

Big sigh - it is what it is and just got to keep going.

A good wallow is sometimes required, leaning in to your feelings helps you work through them ❤️

I like to have a wallow when things in life get on top of me and then I come out of it and feel all refreshed and ready to face the world and it sounds like what you've done today is being ready to face the world again.

I am sure the order will be extended especially as they are still gathering evidence.

Him not accepting any kind of offer is still all about the control and wanting to keep you on your toes.
Hopefully you can proceed to court as quickly as possible and get this sorted.

Sounds like you’re bored with each other and the relationship has run its course.

Good God have you read the thread? OP has been abused by this man, physically and sexually assaulted…

Sounds like you’re bored with each other and the relationship has run its course.

I suppose that's one way of looking at it - thank you though, it did make me laugh out loud, which hasn't happened for a very long time 😂😁

Just a small update on the current situation.

Protection order extended again so another few weeks of being able to relax.
Informed by the police that the case has been submitted to the CPS for a decision to prosecute or not.
Solicitors still going backwards and forwards and no agreement reached.
I think he is stalling - he is so sure that there will be no prosecution and he is just waiting for the day when he can say "See everyone! I told you she was the mental one" and then move back in an 'innocent and free man'.
Then my life will be a living hell.

But, I am not going to fret over things I don't know yet.

Everything else is just going along smoothly - I am starting to sort of enjoy the life I have, the new pals I am meeting, the activities I originally forced myself into but now I look forward to, the growing confidence and self esteem, the comments from people that I am looking so well, healthier, younger.

I am nowhere near 'healed and trauma free' but I am a darn sight better than I was three months ago. I see progress, light at the end of the tunnel, a good, quiet, calm and peaceful life ahead......

If he were to accept your offer tomorrow, can you afford it i.e. is the house on the market/under offer or has your son now got his mortgage.

If he were to accept your offer tomorrow, can you afford it i.e. is the house on the market/under offer or has your son now got his mortgage.

All the family have been amazing and dug deep, offered their life savings, offered to sell things, my son has a hefty chunk of savings too and I have a 'mortgage in principle' arranged - so there are options without the need to sell. I don't want to take everyone's life savings if I can help it - I feel this was my mistake and I have to accept the consequences. However, it makes sense to take 'interest free' loans from family. I don't like the thought of owing everyone - I hate being in debt, having that hanging over me probably until the day I die.

But, I really don't think that he will accept the offer on the table. That would mean relinquishing his last bit of power and control over me.

The last 2 paragraphs of this post are so great, it's so lovely to read the positive things you've got in your life ❤️

It is so easy to forget the positives when your life sems filled with the negatives - the worry, the over-thinking, the focusing on them, the unknown and scary future. But there are positives.
I have always been lucky to have a strong resolve - it may seem to have disappeared for short periods of time but she comes back eventually.
I have always managed to find humour in most situations. A little dark and macabre at times, but its still humour.
A great family.
Animals that need me so if I give up, they suffer.
A need to have a reasonably hygienic and tidy home - cleaning an oven or sorting a cupboard is great therapy for a troubled and cluttered mind, as well as being able to achieve something each day.

I refuse to be beaten down forever by someone who is simply just another human being - there are millions of them out there (humans) and he was just one, not the whole world. Yes, he can de-rail me temporarily but I will not cry into my pillow for too many nights - its tiring, it makes me puffy and its a waste of my emotions.

One foot in front of the other, taking one day/hour/minute at a time and you soon re-train your brain to focus on the good instead of the bad.

Failing all that - caffeine, a smoke and a good howl at the moon also help 🙄

@Sunflowers67 I have followed your thread from the beginning and feel moved to say that your resolve, self-awareness, resilience and positivity are utterly amazing and admirable. When your weaker moments hit, hold onto the fact you are a wonderful, vital, over-comer.

I am over on the Reading Georgette Heyer thread and am reminded of the ploy used in Black Sheep by the saturnine hero to get rid of a young woman’s unwanted suitor: he hires an old friend to pretend to be a rich widow and lures the young man out of the picture.

Your soon to be ex H will drop off the face of the earth when he has a new woman to pursue. Speed the day! Or hire an actress to take him off your hands just until after the divorce. 😉

Start the court process for forcing him to sell the house/let you buy him out.

Are you offering him less than the value of his share?

Absolutely agree. I sometimes go days or weeks without visiting mumsnet but when I come on I check on you as you are an inspiring wonderful woman, self aware, honest, trying your best to be loving to yourself and others. A wonderful diary to follow.

Ahhh that is so kind of you to say - and thank you for taking the time to plough through my waffling, mind meanders!
You guys have really kept me going during those sad and bad times.
I sometimes wish we all knew where we lived and could start our own little group of coffee and cake (or gin and biscuits).
I sometimes wonder, usually at 3am when most of the world is probably asleep, if I was the abusive one, the one difficult to love and live with, what I could have done to make things work between us, but then I come on here and have a read through everything and remind myself of what he was like.
I am by no means healed but I am coping.

I have decided that this week will be the week where I clear out his things, pack them up and move them somewhere safe. A sort of reclaiming my space. I think I am feeling strong enough to do that now and as long as I don't pause too much on the memory inducing items and just get them bagged and out of sight, it shouldn't be too painful to do.
She says, with fingers crossed behind her back!

It really is like a death.

Still no anger though. Little moments of 'stupid bloody man' and a touch of indignation at some of his legal letters but nothing I would describe as anger.

I hope everyone managed to have a good/reasonable/manageable weekend.

Good idea to pack his things @Sunflowers67 , it will feel better not to have reminders of him around the house. If you're packing anything valuable take photos as you go to show everythings in good condition, I wouldn't put it past your Ex to make fake claims later about missing/damaged items