I need a good rant - advice also helpful!

[Sunflowers67]

So, we have been together about 15 years now - living together for 14 of those.
I always knew he was a little 'quirky' but I suppose with family, friends, busy career, I was able to handle it better.
Now, we are both semi retired, my dad passed away so my mum lives with us (not easy, but what else can an only child do), the kids have left home and his 'quirky' little ways are far more noticeable, annoying and darn right hurtful at times.
We are also due to get married in two weeks and I don't think I'm gonna do it. It wont bother him if we don't, he'll just shrug his shoulders and carry on as usual. He wont leave our home or threaten to end the relationship - he never does. Sometimes I wish there would be a huge display of emotion and anger and then we can both just shout at each other, get it out of our systems and then communicate and repair. But he doesn't communicate, he never sees a problem and I am increasingly becoming immune and unfeeling towards him - I suppose its a form of self protection.
We have separate bedrooms, seperate interests and I would say we have lived together like two mates for years - except I don't treat my mates like this.

So, what does he do that is so bad? he doesn't drink much, he is not a cheat, he is not secretive, he would help anyone (except me), he tolerates my mother living with us, he gets on well with my grown up kids (he chooses not to see his family).
He has no emotions, he cannot 'read a room', he doesnt know when I am sad or worried or down as he cannot recognise body language or facial expressions. I have felt for quite some time that he is maybe autistic (his son is, which is why he chooses not to see him - he cant handle the skewed thoughts and strange behaviours from him and never did when he was a small child - the boy was raised by his alcoholic mother, we tried for custody but because we didn't get it, my other half then decided to not see the boy).
Not my style of parenting, but it was his choice.
Now, as we are getting on in years and my health has taken a down turn, I need his support and understanding more. And it isn't there. But then it never was.
I spend my days doing my own thing around the large property that we have - if we try and do something together, gardening, cleaning, maintenance, he just gets frustrated that I'm not doing it his way! So we work separately.
Many a time I have tried to talk to him and he takes it so personally, gets angry, wants very specific examples of how his behaviour has hurt me - and even if I do remember specifics, he then disputes it and turns it all around so as its me with the problem.
Then I am the one more upset, the one staying in my room wondering how my life amounted to this? And what dooes he do whilst I'm upset? He is carrying on as normal, in his own little world. He'll put some music on, he will sing and whistle and be merry. I suppose in his mind, this is me being me - moody, upset and I will snap out of it in a few days. Which I do. The hurt dissipates a little so I carry on functioning normally again - I will talk to him, I will get busy and then round we go again. Same old same old.
I have given up trying to talk to him, I know it does no good. I have tried to get us into some counselling but no where near me does 'couples counselling' - he is willing to go if I find somewhere. He is probably hoping that a counsellor will point out 'the error of my ways'.
I think what bothers me the most is the fact that it doesn't bother him that we are like this - that he is not upset, he doesn't try to talk to me about us, there is just nothing there with him.
I am upstairs now, typing this, and I can hear him downstairs singing away, happy and joyful. I feel like I want to go downstairs and hit him with the large skillet and scream 'feel that buster?!' - I wont, I'm not a violent person. But god does he bring out the worst in me.

Going our separate ways is probably the best option but its quite a scary thought to go it alone after 15 years - and then splitting all the assets, looking after mother, tending to this large place/or even having to sell it and split the proceeds, lawyers. He also would not leave the home so we would be living in more hell until everything was finalised and I am the only one that feels the pain of that.

I suppose I really want us/him to change. And I'm old enough to know that wont happen - been there/divorced that many years ago.

Thank you for letting me offload.

Wow!!! That is horrible!

Hope this gif makes you feel better.

ETA:,On second thought it might be a bit obscure.

@Sunflowers67

All these feelings are normal. There is nothing about you protecting yourself and exercising caution that means he is 'winning'. On the contrary, he'd be 'winning' if you were welcoming him back with open arms. You're simply watching out for yourself and your mum.

Panic attacks are not fun. I've only had a handful and the 'out of control/out of body' feeling was horrible. But there are 'short acting' medications that can help, if you think it might help you get through. My doctor rx'd a tablet that would dissolve under my tongue and the effects lasted just long enough to get myself under 'control'. It only took a few times of taking them until I had my technique down to calm myself. I didn't count backwards, I recited 'Jabberwocky' to myself. Something about the nonsense of it calmed me down.

This is new and you had hopes he'd be prosecuted. Give yourself the grace of time to get used to things and develop a new sense of security. You'll get there.

#pikkumyy77 - Thank you! 'Obscure' is my middle name 😃- strangely, that was the vision I had of me in the recent 'Miss Angry' phase. And I also watched that 'oldie but goodie' Michael Douglas film 'Falling Down'. I don't think for one moment, that in this world or the next, I have the capabilities of storming the adult services building or the courts, but it does increase understanding (not condoning) of some people that do just 'snap'. I clean, bake and attack the garden weeds in times of trouble! And of course, vent on here.
#AcrossthePond55 - Thank you! I am sorry that you had these panic attacks - they are not much fun are they? I had another yesterday - in the middle of the bloody supermarket. I could feel it coming on and started counting lemons in the fruit and veg section. Moving one after the other into the oranges section, slowly and precisely placing them, counting them and then back again. I must have looked a little odd to say the least.

Today is a 'doing' day - a mental list of little things that I want or need to achieve today.

Have a good day everyone and smile - it makes people wonder what you have been up to! 🌻

Great grounding practice! Thanks n trauma work we sometimes freeze an orange and the person dissociating and panicking can hold it and sniff it to ground themselves. The smell and the cold is supposed to help you reintegrate what us disintegrating in the panic. Counting is great because it firces you to use the rational/non emotional part of your brain.

@Sunflowers67 that's great advice about how a way to deal with a panic attack. My late partner had them with alarming frequency as part of his mental breakdown before his descent into alcoholism and subsequent death but I did a lot of research into how to help him through them. The counting thing was often cited as well as focussing on and saying what 5 smells you could smell or 4 sounds you could hear or things you could touch or something you could taste.

I've only had one panic attack and that was fairly mild but in the middle of the night so in a sense more scary - it took a lot of controlled breathing to bring myself back down.
You are amazing in the way you are dealing with the current events - I hate this man for making you feel the way you do and am wishing all kinds of illness and bad luck to rain down on him from a great height. xxx

All quiet on the western front here.
A week since the CPS decided not to prosecute and week of not having any sort of protection order in place.
He has not shown up at the house or tried to contact me and I am beginning to relax a little again. No more panic attacks either.
I wonder if this is it - he will just go away and leave me alone now (apart from getting his bag of gold coins from me and my family).
Odd that he conversed through solicitors wanting to arrange to collect his belongings a few weeks ago but has done nothing to arrange that any further.
But, nothing about that man ever made much sense so no point second guessing his next move.

In an ideal world, I imagine him having some eureka moment and knowing that he needed help, seeking that help and becoming a better person for the rest of his life. I imagine getting an email, apologising and taking responsibility for his behaviour towards me.

But I think I know the likelihood of that happening.

Such a shame, such a waste of what could have been a good life - those are my ponderings these days. A little sad, a touch of anger here and there, but mostly just 'what a waste'. The person he was for 75% of the time was my person for life. The other 25% was just not acceptable.
I know that now. I have no guilt, I accept no blame at all and that is a peaceful place to be.

Nothing startling to report here, thank goodness.
Life is jogging along (and limping along some days).
Keeping busy, keeping my mind active, trying to be kind to me and trying to not to dwell too much on him.

Lots of lovely memories crop up a lot now, rather than the nasty ones. I think I prefer the nasty ones though as the nice ones make me cry. I'm not good at crying and I don't like to do it.
Now and then my phone will ping and I wonder if it is him, apologising (haha - yep, still not stopped hoping for a miracle). I'm not sure why the apology is important, it just feels like it is. 'If' he did that, it would probably send me into a proper tizz about 'maybe there is hope still' and I know deep down that there isn't.

A part of me feels like a fake in my own life - I'm doing everything that normal people do on a day to day basis, I go off to my new hobbies, I go about my business, but I feel empty still. I feel like I am forcing myself to do normal stuff in this sort of half life that I am living.

Maybe that is because I have not cast off the old life yet and not quite settled into the new life either - a limbo life.

But I am doing okay and continue to talk to the trees, lie in grassy fields and watch the clouds and write in my journal.

I hope everyone else has found a tree friend too 😁🌳

But I am doing okay and continue to talk to the trees, lie in grassy fields and watch the clouds and write in my journal.

I love this paragraph.....people who talk to trees, lie in grassy fields and watch the clouds and write in their journals are my kind of people 🩷

I've not done enough of this recently and it shows.....I really must get out to some events and back into nature 💚

You are in limbo land currently, and you might be here for sometime until financially you can cut ties- so no wonder life is up and down! You are still on the rollercoaster 🎢 but I’m so glad things have calmed a bit, you have been so incredibly strong, keep doing exactly what you are doing. You remember the good times because your brain is trying to protect you from stress and fear. But remind yourself of how far you have come by reading your messages on here- when everything has come to an end your brain will let you move on, because it won’t constantly be about looking over your shoulder.

it took two years for me to get rid of my violent ex and two years to close the door on that chapter of my life, but wow I’m so glad I did because I wasn’t living I was existing and with hindsight you will realise that too x

Bad couple of days here - I am snappy with everyone, I am angry at me, I'm crying because I miss him/the life I thought we would have together - it all just feels so bloody sad.
I had to email him recently with some business paperwork so I think that is why it has stirred everything up again. I keep thinking that I want to email him, I don't know what I'd say, just to have contact. Which I know is stupid of me so I wont let myself.

But it is so hard to not reach out right now. I even thought of throwing my computer keyboard in the river so I couldn't email him.

I keep thinking 'was my life with him so bad', 'maybe I was too sensitive' or even 'which is worse - living with him or living like this every day' - it all just feels like varying degrees of crappyness, but crappy nonetheless. So many years together, so many happy times. Life is just so bloody unfair at times, and not usually one for any self pity, but I feel it today.

I think I might go and have a soak in the bath, dunk my head under the cold tap a few times, clean something in the house and keep busy busy busy.

In a funny sort of way this is quite good news @Sunflowers67 the really nasty parts of your relationship are now fading a bit and your getting the rose tinted view of him back. It's good because you're moving on from all the drama and trauma, in the peace you have now it's OK to admit it wasn't all bad. Just as a precaution Op, if you get too sentimental read back your own thread, he's by no means a reasonable man

#Daleksatemyshed I think I prefer the wallow in trauma type of upset to this missing him/us/the planned future type of upset. I don't trust myself to not make a complete tit of myself and send him an email - which I know I would regret the next day. One that he would probably take pleasure from and ignore me anyway - I know the script too well.
I keep telling myself that I'll only send a little email to wish him luck for the future - which I really don't mean, so it must be because I want a reaction from him. But it's easier for me to not have a reaction or contact from him.

I imagine the scenario "Good luck for the future and thank you for the happy memories" - no reply for two or three days then he types away "Well, you caused all this/it was all your fault/or very similar" - and then what Sunflowers? Eh? What will you do then? Probably feel really upset that he takes no responsibility, no remorse or regret and nothing has changed except you are a great big stupid tit!

Throw the damn keyboard in the river if you have to.

You may not think you are doing well, but you are. You are healing, grieving, and making a new life for yourself and for your mum. Crying for what could have been is a natural reaction. You will come out the other side of this. You really will. Always remember the time you wanted to pee on your pillow because you were so frightened to come out of your room. He did that to you b

I love the human brain but my God it doesnt half play tricks on us.
It processes trauma and negative experiences faster hence we get the rose tinted view of life.

Even now as I sit here, 7 years after my marriage ended I still have to really think hard about what happened during my marriage and how abusive it was. I've moved on and healed so much that I barely give it any thought.
But as soon as I see him (rarely thankfully and usually only if our DD stays over which is a few times a year) I feel sick, get nervous and cant look at him...I sit in my car staring straight ahead until DD is in the car and I can drive off.

When the end came for my marriage I knew how things would go as it had happened time and time again, I'd shout and scream, he would deny, deny, deny and give me the silent treatment for days (and possibly throw in a suicide threat).
I'd have to pretend everything was ok in front of the kids and eventually it would all be swept under the carpet and life would continue.
The final time I told all my friends so they would hold me accountable and so that pride would stop me going back as I knew my marriage was not good for me but I was too easily swayed by him and time moving on.

When you've lived a life of drama and where you're always 'on' so full of adrenaline your body gets used to it and so you crave those feelings which is why you want to reach out...the familiarity, the need to have those same feelings but it will pass and I bet if you actually saw him in the street you'd feel all panicked, feel sick and want to run home and hide.

I agree with another poster, read back your thread and remember all the stuff he did to you which was abusive.

Life is hard at times and you just want back the good times but you can create your own good times again.
You dont need him, you are enough 🩷

@Sunflowers67 please don't be hard on yourself - what you are feeling is a normal part of grieving the end of a relationship and it doesn't matter how the relationship ended be it death, mutual agreement or like yours, you will still grieve to some extent.
I totally get how you feel re an email - when my exH and I split up amicably I sent lots of messages and emails checking he was OK with the split, coping alright etc but he never once asked how I was doing, how I felt, was I coping etc. Don't make the mistake of thinking your ex will ever give a damn about you and won't use your kindly meant email against you somehow.

I wonder @Sunflowers67 if part of the problem is you have a lot of unfinished business between you. If you break up and block someone it's your choice but you didn't really want to break up, you wanted him to see reason and behave better then you'd go on together, but he wasn't capable of that, he could only see it as warfare as soon as you raised the issues. You want to e mail him just in case he might actually say sorry or he misses you but I think you know that's a one in a million chance. I'm sorry this is so hard for you
💐

I'm a writer and so I'm a big fan of writing down what can't be said.

Can you get yourself a notebook and write down all the things that you want to say to him? Start off with the nice polite stuff, the 'wishing him well' that you wanted to email and then work up to the 'why did you have to treat me so badly?' stuff. Sometimes just getting it out of your head and onto paper can bring some relief. There is also a therapeutic element to taking all those notes outside and burning them - a kind of symbolic sending of the message.

#Daleksatemyshed Thank you. Yes, I think that is it exactly. Throughout our time together I never gave up hope that he would seek some help or talk to someone - either me or a medical/MH professional. I really wanted to save us but it was a one way street - a road to nowhere. I don't know why I think things would be any different now. Maybe I hope it has been a wake-up call. But I do really know, deep down, that he will never change.
I have just joined the list of ex wives and partners that were mentally unstable and abusive to him.

#Vroomfondleswaistcoat Thank you. I have started something like that - a letter never to be sent. I think it will probably end up as some sort of mega letter that will have no chance of ever fitting inside a bottle to be tossed out to sea (maybe an oil drum or a cargo container?) and if I decided to burn it, the flames and smoke would be seen from space! But yes, it is therapeutic to write everything down and do a mental vomit across the paper 😁

Well, I did it - I think I knew I would eventually and I was just putting off the inevitable. I've never been one to listen to advice at the best of times and when my head is still mashed from it all, there was fat chance of doing the 'sensible thing' 🙄I sent him an email and I will take the consequences.

I feel better for doing it and I am not going to stew over it now - there was no blame, no anger, just a thank you for the good times and wishing him well for the future. I don't think it sounded like a 'poor me' either, that wasn't the intention - just factual and closing and purely for me.

I will never get the opportunity to speak to him again, I know from history that there will be no remorse, apology or accountability on his part so I am not expecting one. I certainly wont be checking my emails every three minutes either.

Now my mind feels settled again - a bit like those weeds that need pulling that I keep walking past and thinking 'I'll do that tomorrow'.

Now I will go and do the weeds and make a cake 😃

Have a good weekend everyone 🌻

You did what you needed to do @Sunflowers67 you have been silenced for so long. You are a decent person and that email was for you, and not him.
Hope it brings you further peace.

I also hope that the email has 'cleared your mind' and getting it all out will help you move forward now rather than circling.

I think we can safely say that three months in and the 'grief' phase has hit.
Blubbing and snotty everywhere I go. I never know when it will hit, it just hits.
My main thoughts at this time are:

1. I want him to make it all better
2. I want anything to make it all better
3. I feel worse now than when I was with him so what was the point of it all.

I have therapy today so the poor woman is really going to earn her money! I am going to take my own box of tissues as I always feel guilty that the next poor lost soul that comes in after me will have to use their sleeve for all the snot and tears that flow.

When will this feel better? Is there an average time scale for this healing business?

And I must never make a cake again as a distraction technique.
I ate it all!

@Sunflowers67 When my late partner died, the grief didn't just stop, I didn't feel better after a certain amount of time. however, the 'storms' of weeping became less frequent, the daily tears became every 2 or 3 day tears, the weekly visits to his headstone became monthly, bi monthly, now less often. I suspect that is what will happen with you - you grieve not for him but for the future you thought you had. My advice? Go with the flow. Don't expect anything of yourself. Eat that cake!! Give yourself time. Allow the anger to surface. Accept the grieving process but don't dwell on it (doesn't sound like you're doing that anyway!). You will get through it - you are getting through it.

In your case there’s so much as well as grief. Investment, hope, dreams, betrayal, hurt, bewilderment, anger, sadness, regret, guilt. It’s a lot- don’t put a timescale on it.

The only way out is through- but you WILL get out.