DH maxed out debt

[BudgetBuster]

Together 10 years, married 5, one stepchild (teen) and one toddler Together. Have just found out DH has racked up considerable credit card debt (almost €20k) over a short period and I am struggling to get past it. He cannot meet the minimum repayments and I found out accidentally, he hadn't planned on telling me. Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it.
But I am struggling to even want to stay in the relationship. He is a great Dad to the kids, but I'm literally crying every day at the thoughts of the lies, what he spent the money on (treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling).
To me the implications are huge. I am very focused on paying off any consumer debt we have (which was for household improvements) and building savings to offer our children better lives and the ability to go to college etc without huge student loans. I save my work bonus to pay for our holidays. I earn considerably more and contribute probably 70% to the household and family expenditure.
Refinancing the debt will end up with us really struggling for the next 2 years and then still having a good chunk of debt until 2030. This means no more kids as we can't afford childcare. Other household improvements we planned will never happen. If we had an emergency we dont even have the ability to borrow and our savings are now gone.
But everytime I look at him I cry. I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.

To save the marriage I would insist on:

Full financial disclosure. Sight of everything including a credit report to see any hidden debts or credit cards.

He takes IMMEDIATE ACTION to deal with this. Visit the CAB, contact his creditors, go online and research etc - the debt isn't so big he couldn't sort this but it sounds like he's burying his head in the sand which will see it escalate very quickly.

You take control of all finances until you can trust him. This might be in 2 years, it might be 10 it might be never.

He gets a 2nd job ASAP - even if he did a couple of 4 hours shifts in a pub after work he'd still bring in an extra £80/90 a week -that's nearly a quarter of the debt paid off.

He sells ANYTHING of any value that he has bought accruing this debt

He joins GA - actually follows their advice & attends meetings etc

If he can't agree to this I'd leave. My husband got into debt early on in our marriage - we got through it but he was fully committed and it wasn't gambling just ridiculous extravagant spending so whilst a hard habit to break not quite so addictive. But your OH needs to be on board you can't be driving this.

This is genuinely shocking. £10k on a holiday for himself, leaving you with your shared child and his own one. I mean what the fuck?

He is a total disgrace. And he’s potentially annihilated all your futures.

Your gut instinct of not repaying his debt (he will do it again if you clear it for him) is the right one.

I hope you also realise soon that you cannot have this man single-handedly sabotaging your future, and you make him leave.

A loan paid as cash into his bank account can be used for gambling, credit card cash withdrawals and then paid into a bank account, bank account overdraft. Lots of ways to use credit to gamble.

And does it really matter there's still 20k of debt that isn't hers.

What is the point of your post anyway are you trying to excuse it?

This would be the end for me. You're scrimping and saving as the higher earner to have a family holiday and he's spending TEN GRAND on a lads holiday without a care in the world?

Aside from affordability no sensible person would be aiming to have another child with someone who is such a risk to your family's stability. He has an addiction and you just can't bring another child into that.

I'm afraid if it was me, I couldn't see past the lies and him doing all that all the while knowing you were busting a gut to scrimp and save. I am like your husband in that I earn so much less than DH. But when my kids were little, because I did earn so much less, I thought "well, at least, I can do my bit by really maximising our household income by budgeting, getting the best details on things, ensuring we save enough for a cheap holiday etc". DH is very generous but I really found it hard to spend on myself, I even felt guilty getting my hair cut. But he's done the very opposite, I just don't understand it.

It's not just the money is it it's lies and deceit behind his wife's back then wanting her to bail him out so he can start again.

This to me would be up there with cheating. He has btwtrayed you and your kids. Spent money on shit and lied into the bargain . I'd ltb

You need legal advice.

This man will destroy you if you stay.

This. If you don’t want to spend your old age defeated and in poverty you must get rid of him NOW. He will never change.

What's your relationship with SC? Could you take them with you if you left him?

I suspect if he’s told you it’s 20k, it might be more.

Honestly you'd be crazy to turn what is his individual debt into your own or shared debt.

If you want to stay with him and help him, if that's what you feel you have to do, then fine. But don't take over the debt, just help him with some of the payments maybe. Make him figure out ways of managing it and reducing it.

Taking it on yourself just means he has no consequences and takes no responsibility.

Someone with that much entitlement that he'll spend £10k on a holiday for himself when he has a family does not need to be bailed out and shown you'll cover him whatever he does. He'll fuck you over again.

Tell him in a language he understands: game over.

How is he a good dad when he's gambling away borrowed money? Seriously. This is his doing. Twat.

My ex did the same OP we are no longer together. He cost me thousands. I recently found out he is is in massive debt he'll never pay off again. Thank God I left.
Good dad's don't do this. He isn't a good dad.

He didn’t consider you or your children’s future at all. I wouldn’t even consider refinancing for him. There’s nothing stopping him from doing this again and expecting you to save him.

Unless you spent £10k on a solo holiday while your other half stayed at home with the kids (one of whom isn't even theirs!) then it's a different level of selfishness to your behaviour.

Neither is good, obviously, but what he's done and the holiday in particular, shows a complete lack of respect and care for OP.

The nerve of him going on that holiday is staggering.

@Luddite26 @Startinganew32 This isn’t always the case. Debt and assets are considered when dividing up for divorce. DH can’t afford the repayments, you don’t get to just walk away. Marriage is a financial tie, not just emotional. In reality OP needs specific legal advice but it’s a bit misleading to say not my debt, not my problem.

And now he wants you to pay for the holiday. I'd not even want to look at him.

@BudgetBuster

Please, please before you do anything or make any decisions SEE A SOLICITOR. You need to find out what a divorce may mean to you. Take a 'snapshot' of family income/expenses, debt (including his gambling), the info on the mortgage & 'upside down' info, pensions, assets etc. Only a solicitor will be able to educate you as to 'what's what' where you live.

Once you know that, you'll know what your options are about keeping the house and getting him out, child arrangements/maintenance, and division of assets. Then you can make an educated decision for your and DC's future.

You say you're sure he'll never leave, but maybe there's some hope. If the house is truly upside down you'd both lose money if it's sold for less than the mortgage balance because each of you will have to repay part of the difference between the sale price and the mortgage balance. This means that he may be willing to accept an amount of cash from you to sign over the house in lieu of you 'forcing' a sale in which you both lose money and he ends up homeless or couch surfing. So part of your talk with a solicitor should be when and how you can force a sale if he refuses to leave. It may be that he will 'stall' things in the hopes that the market rebounds, but it can't hurt to make a cash offer if the solicitor advises it.

Oh, and I wouldn't even consider for one hot second refinancing his debt. Where I live that would then legally make it a joint debt. Another thing to ask a solicitor (although I think you've already decided against that.

No, no, no, this would make it the end for me. It's horribly, horribly selfish behaviour.While you stayed home and looked after the kids, he was living it up abroad spending money he didn't have and getting you all in the shit. I just couldn't be with someone that selfish, it would make me wonder however i ever missed such a personality trait.

Ha been incredibly selfish to cause this problem.

Selfish men don't change. It's just who he is.

Even without the gambling he's a dead weight.

Personally I would divorce a gambler who refuses counselling and any guy who spends €10k on a lads holiday when he has a family at home. He didn’t think of you when doing any of this and would have a vastly different life style if it wasn’t for your salary. Divorce in Ireland can be started after 2 years separated - I know people who have finalised everything in under 3 years.

A legal separation is much quicker, my mum and dad got legally separated when I was a teenager and from what I remember it took over a year but less than two as my mum rented until the judge decided on division of stuff and forced the house sale. My dad was not in agreement on anything and did not want to sell the house.

Sorry OP - he is a selfish arsehole.

1. He put himself first and taken from you and the children by blowing this money which could be used for your children and life.

1. Now - he cannot even man up and accept he needs to speak to the banks / debt provider and work it out. That way you can try manage and have some funds to provide for the children.

He instead wants to double that millstone around your neck and the children by taking on responsibility for HIS debt - reducing funds to help your children enjoy activities life experiences and potentially mess up your credit rating.

He is doubly selfish - to financial cheat you and now to financially try and drown you to take on his mess. He is only sorry for himself.

Edited to add - what father and husband would want to further put his family into strained circumstances and financial hardship? He has no guilt or compassion and just thinking of you as a cash cow to sort him out and refinance.

He needs to take responsibility and sort himself out. The audacity - to go on an expensive holiday and gaslighting you it is v.v.cheap whilst you who are the main breadwinner left home managing the children!