DH maxed out debt

[BudgetBuster]

Together 10 years, married 5, one stepchild (teen) and one toddler Together. Have just found out DH has racked up considerable credit card debt (almost €20k) over a short period and I am struggling to get past it. He cannot meet the minimum repayments and I found out accidentally, he hadn't planned on telling me. Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it.
But I am struggling to even want to stay in the relationship. He is a great Dad to the kids, but I'm literally crying every day at the thoughts of the lies, what he spent the money on (treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling).
To me the implications are huge. I am very focused on paying off any consumer debt we have (which was for household improvements) and building savings to offer our children better lives and the ability to go to college etc without huge student loans. I save my work bonus to pay for our holidays. I earn considerably more and contribute probably 70% to the household and family expenditure.
Refinancing the debt will end up with us really struggling for the next 2 years and then still having a good chunk of debt until 2030. This means no more kids as we can't afford childcare. Other household improvements we planned will never happen. If we had an emergency we dont even have the ability to borrow and our savings are now gone.
But everytime I look at him I cry. I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.

You need to stop thinking about where he is going to live. It's HIS problem, and caused by his actions leading up to now.

Do you have a mortgage together? The first priority is those payments. But like others, I think you should end the marriage and cut financial ties then he could file for bankruptcy hopefully without any harm to your credit rating

Yes we have a mortgage together, and some other small household loans. Those payments are made religiously as I take care of thr household financials (we both contribute to a joint account, and I make sure all bills groceries etc are paid on time).

Not bothered about HIM...
Bothered about the children!

Can you pay £500 a month?
If so, do that, and only using a joint account for essentials going forwards.
It's fixable if it's a 1 time thing, but if he's going to carry on spending whilst it's being paid off then it's not and you need to leave

Just curious what the solicitor advised re cutting financial ties. If applying for divorce, and DH staying in the house, might be an idea to charge rent to support divorce application process.

Also curious whether DH has apologised for his actions & shown OP any empathy, drawn up a course of action of how he plans to repay his debt etc?

No i absolutely do not have €500 a month extra. We have a mortgage, other joint loans, childcare, bills etc. Our mortgage alone has gone up €300 and we can't refinance because of him (that's essentially how I found all this out).

I do not have spare money.

Can you afford the mortgage if he moves out?

The credit card debt is unsecured borrowing between DH and the credit card company.
DH can show he cannot afford to pay it through a debt support agency and set up a payment plan. They can freeze the interest.
If they refuse to freeze the interest DH can tell them how they have enabled his gambling with their lending.
This is not @BudgetBuster financial problem to pay. So she doesn't need to find £500 a month.
Personally I would push him on an IVA because the credit card company shouldn't have given him so much credit that's how the 2008 crash happened

. But there will be people who come along saying it's the wife's problem to sort.

How old is DSD? Sorry if you already said.

Because my choice would be to separate, tell him that DSD always has a home with you until she’s old enough to be independent, but that he needs to find himself a room somewhere (and two jobs) as a matter of urgency. He can do some kind of orderly payment of debts or bankruptcy if he can’t pay his bills. He will have access to the toddler but parenting time for now will have to be trips to the park if he can’t have children overnight.

I have a great deal of sympathy for addicts, including gambling addicts. And if he had just been doing that, and was contrite and seeking help, I’d still recommend separation. But I wouldn’t think he was a bad person. Sitting with you, lying to your face so he could spaff thousands on a luxury holiday while you looked after the kids? Utter scum and he can live in a bedsit eating noodles forever for that.

Hrft but had serious debt issues so adding a pov.
Gambling is a red flag, however if he just flitted with gambling in an attempt to mitigate loss and debts from non gambling, I'd be less worried about it.

I think OP said she earns more, I think this cam be stressful on a relationship and lower earners might try to live it up a bit, yes it's wrong, but it does happen and we all want to feel good. Frittering family money away though comes at a price and only OP can decide if she's willing to forgive.

If you decide to stay together, encourage him to look at debt relief schemes, work on money saving stuff together and help him sell unwanted stuff.
What keeps me from frittering money is looking at how many weeks shopping any particular item is costing.

Good luck, stay or leave, either is difficult.

Yes I earn more, but most of my money goes straight into a joint account towards the family - the family being Him, me, his teen and our toddler. He has more 'personal' fun money to spend on himself than I have as I pretty much cover every bill etc.

I've tried to discuss what he's doing to try to sort this and he just keeps saying we need to refinance that he sees no other way. All the tech he bought is still lying around the house... he hasn't even considered selling any to make the arrears payments.

Yes. In reality I would probably be better off financially if he and stepchild moved out. My bills would be alot less.

F he doesn't accept there's a problem, there's a problem.....

That needs selling or I'd be ending it.

I can't believe the gall of this dude.

"I have some debt because I gamble, buy tech toys, and lied to you about a solo luxury holiday, so we have to refinance. Kthanks."

So his immediate solution to the problem is not to inconvenience himself, to reduce his lifestyle etc. No. his solution is to take on more debt, but to do so with you, so you can be responsible for it as well. Wow.

It hasn’t even occurred to him to sell anything, has it? I bet he’d claim that he can’t possibly sell it because he’d never get anywhere near the value of it. There’d be no recognition from him that a few hundred quid would go towards at least one of the repayments and would demonstrate that he’s not sitting there enjoying the benefits of his lies and deceit, while you’re working out whether you can afford a new pair of shoes.

He’s going down and he’d happily take you with him, if you let him.

I've tried to discuss what he's doing to try to sort this and he just keeps saying we need to refinance that he sees no other way.

And IMHO he's never going to see one and the last thing he's going to do is offer on his own to sell one of this 'treasures'. To him, your higher earnings are reason enough for you to bail him out and he deserves his 'treasures'. He is 100% convinced you solving his problem is 'the right thing to do'. He created the problem but it's up to you to solve it, as I'm sure you've solved small problems along the way before now.

Obvs if this had been an avoidable situation, a debt NOT of his own creation, as a married couple you'd work together to solve it/pay it off. But that is not the case. This is a completely avoidable debt that he created on his own, absolutely knowing the effect his fecklessness would have on the family. He knew, he didn't care.

To tell you the truth, at this point I'd probably stop trying to discuss the situation with him. What's the point if he's not listening? I think I'd make ONE final pronouncement of "I am NOT refinancing anything and I am done talking about it. You created this problem, you deal with it!". Then I'd hand him a list of businesses/agencies who work with people who have debt issues and walk away. At some point he's got to understand that you are not putting yourself and DC at financial risk because of him.

I think at this point it's probably likely that, once he learns of the legal separation, he will issue you an ultimatum that if you don't refinance he will leave you, with the additional threat that 'you'll make me and DSS homeless', assuming that you'll cave. Are you ready for that?

Just tell him that refinancing anything is off the table because you are not going to pay for his mistakes. He can sort out his own mess and do it on his own in a bedsit. He can work two-three or whatever jobs to get it paid off.

Protect yourself, OP, or he'll drag you down with him.

This. 1000%

Op tell him you will not be refiancing his debt under any circumstances.

He needs to sort it himself and that involves selling anything that will help and giving up any 'fun' money he has. Going forward he pays his bills and then clears his debt with any leftover wages.

You also need to make it very clear you will be seperating finances and that you are considering a full legal seperation from him.

'No, DH, we don't need to refinance. I'm not putting your debt into my name. I pay enough around here. You need to start selling all these random pieces of tech and paying off as much as you can and picking up another job, any job, to pay it off as well. I will also need proof that you're getting support for your gambling and financial issues, or this marriage has zero change of surviving. As it stands, I'm already thinking it's too late, frankly.'

OP, he is unbelievable. I am just so glad you see him for who he is and are working with a solicitor.

If he was really sorry he would be at seeking help with gambling addiction, seeing what of the snazzy tech stuff and other hobby stuff he could sell.

Instead he wants YOU to pick up his mess and 'refinance'. Impacting family finances and the future of his children. A selfish selfcentred man all he cares about is himself and feeling poor little me! but kudos to you OP for the steps you are taking to protect yourself and your children.

I wish you all the best - you sound like an amazing woman and a wonderful mum ❤️

If you get a legal separation, will you be able to remortgage on your own account? Because if not, if this gambling/tech/sunning himself debt means that you're now 300 euro a month in the hole for the foreseeable future, then I think he should be paying that too.

The more you post, the more despicable he seems tbh.

Wow, the “We”, No He needs to be told clearly, that You are not responsible for accruing this debt, you weren’t playing Poker or down the Bookies,
the answer to that is
“Not happening,”