DH maxed out debt

[BudgetBuster]

Together 10 years, married 5, one stepchild (teen) and one toddler Together. Have just found out DH has racked up considerable credit card debt (almost €20k) over a short period and I am struggling to get past it. He cannot meet the minimum repayments and I found out accidentally, he hadn't planned on telling me. Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it.
But I am struggling to even want to stay in the relationship. He is a great Dad to the kids, but I'm literally crying every day at the thoughts of the lies, what he spent the money on (treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling).
To me the implications are huge. I am very focused on paying off any consumer debt we have (which was for household improvements) and building savings to offer our children better lives and the ability to go to college etc without huge student loans. I save my work bonus to pay for our holidays. I earn considerably more and contribute probably 70% to the household and family expenditure.
Refinancing the debt will end up with us really struggling for the next 2 years and then still having a good chunk of debt until 2030. This means no more kids as we can't afford childcare. Other household improvements we planned will never happen. If we had an emergency we dont even have the ability to borrow and our savings are now gone.
But everytime I look at him I cry. I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.

Just get out. This person will bring nothing but misery to your life. Don’t sign anything that has to do with this.

Was he married to his first child's mum? Do you know how that divorce went? 5-6 years is pretty unusual if you are in the UK. You would both need to have some serious money to throw at lawyers to get to tthat stage and it doesn't sound like you do.

Don't refinance. All it does is put all the various debts in one pot.
Take him to see a debt advisor at your local citizens advice bureau.

Start the divorce process this week so any more debts won't be your problem as it can be proved you are wanting to break financially from him.

You can guarantee there are more debts hiding somewhere so do a credit check on you both AND see if he's put anything against the family home.

Is he mortified and begging forgiveness? You've only mentioned that he wants you to help him and nothing about him making amends such as going to Gamblers Anonymous etc.

What’s telling is that he’s perfectly happy to commit financial infidelity, then all of a sudden his financial infidelities become a “team effort” once he’s unable to keep up his payments. Eye roll.

What a thoughtful selfish baby. The things he went into debt for is so asinine it blows the mind. He doesn’t think like a normal person. He’s missing some important links in his brain.

He is not a good father. Make sure he can’t access your or the children’s money and get some legal advice.

This would be a deal breaker for me because of the gambling and lying.

This is financial infidelity and is the risk run from having separate finances.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

It's very common in the debt/insolvency world. If you are going to stay together you need to be a team and treat your finances like a business together "Budget Buster Household Ltd."

Everything needs scrutinised and you both need to keep tabs on each others credit report as part of your monthly budget and financial goals meeting. You both need to be accountable to one another.

A good starting point is an older book "Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey.

If you are going to maintain separate finances or any lady out there, I suggest at least sharing credit reports monthly as a bare minimum. That way there's no hiding it and knowing there is accountability to other partner discourages this reckless type of debt/spending.

Good luck whatever you decide to do

He needs an extra part time job, he can pay it off. It had better start now. 20k is an amount that can be worked off quickly.

If you stay with him and rebuild financially, he might do it all over again.

Is he addressing the gambling in any way, (apart from presumably saying he'll stop)?

There are acceptable reasons to get into debt. His aren't one of them.

There aren't acceptable reasons to keep such a level of debt from you.

Paying for holidays and buying himself stuff is the behavior of a selfish idiot, but gambling is a potentially massive problem that isn't easily solved.

If he has that in his nature, he will always be looking to 'win it back'. If he's an addict, you'll need to be on the look out for it forever.

You'll have to have a serious think about your ability to trust him to rehabilitate and not relapse.

Is he even sorry about what he has done? Has he got a plan for him paying back this debt which involves him making sacrifices but not you or the children? What is he proposing to do about the gambling? Is he going to join Gamblers Anonymous?

He sounds awful tbh.

Sorry there are so many (good) responses coming in I don't think I'll be able to reply to all so I'll try to capture a comprehensive response below:

We have shared finances for years, but we both keep a small amount of personal money to spend on ourselves - I get my nails done, he buys video games type of thing. I do a budget and communicate it with him and alter it if needs be.

I told him that I don't think I'm comfortable refinancing the debt and he got quite emotional. I don't think he ever thought he wouldn't be in a position to meet the minimum repayments himself and is now worried about the spiralling debt (not doubt a high interest rate on credit card).

I do genuinely think he is sorry and knows he has messed up big time. But I am sick with worry that it will continue... and even if it didn't I would always be thinking it might happen again.

Pretty much all our other commercial debt is in my name and I'd be OK financially to take this over. Not enthusiastic about it but I'd manage.

I struggle to even discuss anything with him at the moment without bursting into tears and then vomiting.

Have done a personal credit check and I'm fine.

If he can’t keep up with minimum payments, how the hell was he ever going to pay it off? Those online debt calculators are always giving crazy repayment dates 60+ years out if you only make the minimum payments. He was never planning on paying this back alone…

He needs major therapy to work out how he got in to this huge mess. This isn’t small and he’ll do it again especially if you help him out. I wouldn’t be able to look at him again. He basically destroyed your future and if you fix it it’ll most happen again.

I keep thinking those exact words... mine and our children's future has been ruined. I wondered was I exaggerating.
I've never known anyone who has dealt with anything like this and I can't confide in family or friends as I don't want to be swayed either way, I need to decide for myself.

If you're married then 50% of any debt will also be yours, doesn't matter whose name it is in.

Tbh whilst he's feeling bad I'd seriously consider leaving him and getting him to take on his debt himself. Chances are you may have to sell the house to split the equity anyway, you could use this to ensure he keeps his own debts.

Chances are, if you do pay off this debt he'll only run up more, especially if it's gambling related, he needs help to ensure he doesn't keep gambling and racking up more debt

I’m going to throw in my 2 cents I feel like this is financial cheating. I don’t know if you should leave or not (that’s something only you can decide) but for me practically if I was thinking of staying I would treat it like cheating. That would mean he needs to address the problem. Counselling, and give you access to his financials. Especially as he wants you to throw money at it. I’m assuming you have separate financials hence how did not know?

Can you legally separate where you are and stop the joint debt from accumulating in both your names?

I would get to a lawyer ASAP.

He can cry a fucking river. He's ruined your financial future and his children's for years to come.

Unfortunately, you're going to have to prioritize your future and your child's over his child. This guy is more than dead weight, he will drag you down with his gambling. And this is on him.

You found out by accident. Like physical cheating - he didn't come clean, throw himself on your mercy and say that he would do whatever it took to make things right. He was going to carry on turning a blind eye until - what? The bailiffs were at the door?

You need to divorce. While I could just about get my head around spending on holidays, using borrowed money to 'buy himself tech' is where it starts to get onto very rocky ground; add gambling and that's it, it's self indulgent behaviour. He wasn't thinking of you and the kids when he got into this and now he wants you to help him sort it out?

No no no.

I think it is concerning that he was going to keep this from you, but it is not unusual in gambling addicts. If I was going to stay with him I would be demanding these things immediately.

1. He got to stepchange or christians against poverty with you and work out a debt repayment plan.
2. He give over all financial control to you completely - you give him an allowance to live on but he has no access to joint money.
3. He refers himself immediately to a gambling harms service (he can self refer) and completes the program.

I hope it works out for you. It is easy to get into a lot fo financial trouble very quickly, but he has been really stupid.

Just to be clear... the holiday was a solo holiday. He went with friends. It was not a family holiday. I was at home looking after both children. And he kept telling everyone how he spent hardly anything over there and he done the holiday on the cheap.

this Is just as bad as cheating or addiction in a marriage. It may even be worse.

you need to start with a complete accounting. Every account. Every debt. Every asset. It all needs to be laid on the table. Then you need to quietly and without telling him, take that information to a solicitor and find out exactly where you stand legally. It is worth paying for real practical advice right now.

then you can decide how to proceed in terms of your relationship. If you are stuck with him because of finances, you will want to keep things cordial, even if you feel betrayed. Trust me, being in the same house after announcing you want a divorce is torture. It’s better to play the long game and just be distant until you are ready to move out.

Absolutely so not refinance this debt and certainly do not turn unsecured debt into secured debt.

Are you financially tied in terms of mortgage or joint bank account? Have you checked your own credit record.

You need to protect your own future financial security.

You'll never relax again with a man like this. I would leave.

I'd divorce him. You can't trust him. He's been lying to you all this time. He's racked up €20k on nothing. Gambling is a mugs game. If you stay with him their nothing stopping him getting you both in further debt. I would be scared shitless because he could be on his phone sitting next to you rqcking up thousands in dept and you'd be oblivious.he needs help and you need legal advice and financial separation ASAP.