DH maxed out debt

[BudgetBuster]

Together 10 years, married 5, one stepchild (teen) and one toddler Together. Have just found out DH has racked up considerable credit card debt (almost €20k) over a short period and I am struggling to get past it. He cannot meet the minimum repayments and I found out accidentally, he hadn't planned on telling me. Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it.
But I am struggling to even want to stay in the relationship. He is a great Dad to the kids, but I'm literally crying every day at the thoughts of the lies, what he spent the money on (treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling).
To me the implications are huge. I am very focused on paying off any consumer debt we have (which was for household improvements) and building savings to offer our children better lives and the ability to go to college etc without huge student loans. I save my work bonus to pay for our holidays. I earn considerably more and contribute probably 70% to the household and family expenditure.
Refinancing the debt will end up with us really struggling for the next 2 years and then still having a good chunk of debt until 2030. This means no more kids as we can't afford childcare. Other household improvements we planned will never happen. If we had an emergency we dont even have the ability to borrow and our savings are now gone.
But everytime I look at him I cry. I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.

We have seperate personal accounts since before we met but one joint account that we transfer money into on payday. We both keep a little personal money back to spend on ourselves as we wish.

I wasnt aware because he took out the debt in his own name. I dont even know how he was approved for those amounts.

Yes we have joint mortgage and one other small joint loan for home improvement.

I've checked my credit register which is fine.

Agreed I am worried because I dont think ill ever trust again.

Are you both repaying debt that is in your name but used for joint household renovations? Or is that just you?

It would be a no from me....total disrespect and trust would be gone. Lies.....deceit.....no way....

I see. Everyone is different of course. But I think you need to think is this is something you want to work on? Or you just want to call out quits. That’s really the decision you need to make.

I don't think there's any way back from this Op, even if he paid all his wages into your account so you have financial control. You'll always be worrying because once the trust has gone it's very hard to get back, you'll resent your DC going without and knowing it's his fault, you'll resent not having another DC and all that will wear your marriage away like acid. Your DH got emotional when you refused to pay back his debts, he thought you were his safety net but you need to focus on keeping a roof over your DCs heads.

The debt is in his name. Have nothing to do with it.
Refinancing makes it a joint debt.

He's a liar. A gambler.
You have no future with this man. Gambling is as addictive as crack cocaine.
The holiday - what an arsehole treating himself then down the line wanting you to pay.

sort yourself out and get out. You will be chained to him forever more if you refinance.

Sorry you are going through this don't be manipulated.

Oh NO he didn’t! I thought you’d all been on the holiday!!!

Both repaying from a joint account, but because I'm a higher earner I contribute alot more to said joint account. However that has never been an issue, that's just how our wages are and we were always a team etc.

That is so deceitful. He is leaving you at home to care for your children while he spends a fortune that he has borrowed behind your back on a solo holiday with his friends. I don't think that this is something that you can ever forgive.

I have read the thread and responses. I am very sorry OP. I see he wants your help to refinance, but in terms of the gambling and over spending has he said anything about that? In particular any plans for counselling? gamblers anonymous etc or at this stage is he in denial that there is any form of problem that would not be sorted out if you gave him considerable credit?

25% went on gambling, so what about the other 75%?

“I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.”

The implication for your kids is that they would have one parent who is a gambling addict, and one who can provide for them. Stay with him and they won’t have the latter.

People don’t just quit gambling. This man will spend every penny you have given half a chance. You owe it to your kids to leave him. This is his mess - let it be his alone.

Really sorry this is happening to you. I couldn’t forgive someone who put me in this position.

If you bail him out all that he has learned is that it fixed itself ... he'll do it again.

I do think you need to get a lawyer and unmeshed from this man. There’s been threads on her where the woman has helped the man out of debt and they do it again. It never ends with the man stopping. If he’s got gambling problems also, this man is a mess. Go get lawyer advice immediately and don’t tell him. You need answers.

Gambling is a huge red flag OP. If you do all the work to get out of debt. Guess what will happen? You will never get ahead and will live a life of fear that he is racking up debts on frivolous crap and gambling again. He has a huge problem and you have a toddler and yourself to support. You need to protect yourself and your child and get out. I am so sorry i am not one of the LTB brigade at all but here i think you need to. I also strongly suspect that the 20k is only part of the story and there's more. If i were you i would be speaking to a solicitor and separating so you cant share any more of this debt. Huge hug and hand hold from me.

I dont even know how he was approved for those amounts.

It’s because he’s including your income as household income on his applications, OP. I have a CC in my name (which I pay in full every month) for my day-to-day spending, but because DH is a high earner on the board at his company, my CC company offers me crazy amounts of credit. If I maxed it out, there’s no way I’d be able to pay it off on my salary. It’s household income he’s using.

If you forgive this, then you will one day be homeless, have your car repossessed, have bailiffs force themselves into your home to take your and your children's things, and (the worst IMO) find that your kids' bank accounts have been emptied. You will go to pay an emergency vet bill from savings and find error, card declined. You will receive letters informing you of new credit cards and loans which have been taken out in your name because once his credit/ good name is shot, he will help himself to yours.

Is this debt solely in his name ?
If so tell your DH to transfer the house to you and to declare himself bankrupt . That way you will have full control over the roof above your heads .
What you do about your DH is up to whether you can wait for him to get his act together . I wish you the very best of luck OP.

I’d be insisting on the downloaded copies of monthly CC statements.

To be honest we have barely spoke about it.
He has tried to speak to me but I have been so upset I just keep crying and I'm trying to hold down a full time job and look after the children so I've been avoiding him as much as possible and sleeping with the toddler.

He said he closed his gambling account a few months back and hasn't gambled since. But to my knowledge this date of closure just lines up with him having no more credit available.

I've previously suggested counselling and apparently "talking doesn't help". I haven't suggested anything right now because I personally don't know if I can get over the whole thing. I feel guilty if I buy a packet of sweets without getting something for the whole family.

I think you need legal advice ASAP.

I agree with PP who said get him to give you full disclosure. You don't need to tell him you intend to end the marriage yet.

Look into what a future on your own would be like financially.

I have been with someone where money goes through their fingers and even though things were much tighter on my own, it was a million times less stressful.

"talking doesn't help"

There’s your answer, OP.

25% gambling
50% holiday
15% snazzy tech
The rest was pretty much using one card to pay another and vice versa

He went on a 10k lads holiday?!?!