DH maxed out debt

[BudgetBuster]

Together 10 years, married 5, one stepchild (teen) and one toddler Together. Have just found out DH has racked up considerable credit card debt (almost €20k) over a short period and I am struggling to get past it. He cannot meet the minimum repayments and I found out accidentally, he hadn't planned on telling me. Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it.
But I am struggling to even want to stay in the relationship. He is a great Dad to the kids, but I'm literally crying every day at the thoughts of the lies, what he spent the money on (treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling).
To me the implications are huge. I am very focused on paying off any consumer debt we have (which was for household improvements) and building savings to offer our children better lives and the ability to go to college etc without huge student loans. I save my work bonus to pay for our holidays. I earn considerably more and contribute probably 70% to the household and family expenditure.
Refinancing the debt will end up with us really struggling for the next 2 years and then still having a good chunk of debt until 2030. This means no more kids as we can't afford childcare. Other household improvements we planned will never happen. If we had an emergency we dont even have the ability to borrow and our savings are now gone.
But everytime I look at him I cry. I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.

Firstly OP, you need to be very honest and direct with him.

Tell him that you will NOT be using your own money to help him get out of HIS debt, because he took out the finance secretly, deliberately lying to you about where the money for his exotic holiday actually came from.

He lied because he KNEW he was being both selfish and irresponsible.
He lied because he KNEW you would not agree to him borrowing huge amounts for his own selfish 'wants'.
He lied because he KNEW he was actively screwing up your and your DC's future.

So, with that in mind, how DARE he ask for your money to help pay it off ! There's no way that you should 'help' shoulder the responsibility of paying off this debt !

Be crystal clear with him. It's HIS debt, for HIS wants/desires, which ONLY HE benefited from ! So he's 100% going to be the ONLY one who will have to economize and 'do without' luxuries to pay it all back.

Whether or not you could ever trust him again, only you know. (I know I couldn't!)

But whether you stay with him or not, this is HIS problem to sort NOT yours !

Your dh will get you to bail him out and for you to get more debt in your name.He has an addiction to gambling or drugs so would need expert help to overcome this.Is he willing to get the help?You would need to take charge of all monies coming into the home as you cannot trust him to tell the truth.Whatever you choose to do is going to be an uphill struggle.I wish you well and hope things work out for you and your family.

Hi Op,

Just wanted to share that my mum was absolutely horrendous with money, spent to excess and also in later life started gambling. My dad was forever bailing her out to the tune of thousands and thousands of pounds. I don't know the full amount but I would guess it would go into the £100,000 after being married for 30 years.
I honestly believe him bailing her out just enabled her to carry on. I don't think you should bail him out. If you want to stay with him then maybe suggest helping him budget and go through his finances etc.
honestly bailing him out is a green flag that he can rely on you to pay it off.

'and we were always a team '

YOU were thinking you were a team together.

Sorry OP, but HIS version of a 'team' is 'me first' !

If you were on the bloody Titanic this type of 'man' would be grabbing the life vest and pushing his way onto the first damn lifeboat, shoving women and kids out of his damn way !

And managed to convince you it was on the cheap @BudgetBuster ????

How?

Sorry if that sounds a bit victim-blamey.

There is nothing redeeming here. He only stopped gambling as he ran out of credit. He only told you as he couldn't meet the repayments? He won't consider counselling or therapy? And he wouldn't willingly leave the property unless you divorce him?

Trust has been decimated here and I think impossible to rebuild, but it's not just the trust. It's the sheer arrogance. He should be walking over broken glass to fix this and he isn't. You want him to leave, he should go and give you space. You want him to seek therapy, he should be sorting that out. The fact he isn't is almost as bad as the decimation of trust.

This isn't correct. I was a Debt Recovery Manager, for a major bank, for over 10 years, dealing with Secured and Unsecured debt.

If the debt is solely in his name, the lender CANNOT pursue the Op for any repayments. Absolutely no way.

However, if they decide to divorce and draw up a separation agreement the husband's solicitor will try to list this as a joint debt when dividing up any assets. The Op does not have to agree to this though, and her Solicitor could argue her case for it to be left out of the calculations.

Op, if you were to refinance this debt somehow, and your name ends up on it, then obviously you will be liable, so be very careful here.

JustWalkingTheDogs · Today 16:12

If you're married then 50% of any debt will also be yours, doesn't matter whose name it is in. WRONG!
Tbh whilst he's feeling bad I'd seriously consider leaving him and getting him to take on his debt himself. Chances are you may have to sell the house to split the equity anyway, you could use this to ensure he keeps his own debts.
This is very poor advice.

OP what country do you live in? No one can advice you until we know which laws apply. If you reside in Engalnd or Wales does he (or you) run a business/self employed?

Not in the UK it doesn’t and I don’t think it does in Ireland either where the OP is from I am guessing (by the reference to euros). But in England it absolutely does not mean the debt it joint. It is in the name of whoever took it out.

I'm guessing you are in Ireland given the time period to divorce. You have to be legally separated for years first don't you.

Whether it's Ireland or elsewhere [I'm not trying to out you] you need legal advice as most MN's are based in the UK and will frame their advice around legal practice here.

Firstly, the house is in negative equity - can you legally buy him out prior to a divorce? Execute a new tenants in common agreement removing him from ownership, bank would need to agree that the mortgage goes to you solely. Solicitor might advise you only do that as part of a final settlement in case it could be challenged later.
But my thinking is that if you can find the funds to buy him out, he can settle his debts and piss off. But ONLY if he can't then pop up again and claim 50% of the assets.

But you can do a lot of this under a separation agreement so it might be best to speedily execute one of these to protect yourself from the debt [if you're in Ireland obviously]
mccarthy.ie/family-law/divorce/separation-agreements/

Yes Ireland
And no I can't be pursued because it's in his name. Hence why I told him I didn't want to refinance it.

You really need legal advice urgently. Don't take himself just sort out you and the child for protection.

Do you really want to stay married to someone like this?

Hes a liar. He is selfish. Easily lead by his mates. Gambles. And would refuse to leave the house if you told him the relationship is over.

See a lawyer tomorrow and tell hime to leave.

@BudgetBuster I've only read your posts OP, so sorry if I'm repeating advice already given to you by PPs. A couple of questions first: you say his debt is 20k euros - are you in the UK? (I'm going to assume, for now, you are). Has he yet defaulted on repaying his monthly amount on any of his credit cards?

1. Get good legal advice and make plans to divorce him. (I could never get over this as all trust would be gone and you would never be confident that he wouldn't do it all over again).
2. Do not "help" him refinance his debt. For the immediate future to save the interest he's being charged on his credit cards, have him transfer all of the £20k debt to a 0% balance transfer card - he could start looking on MSE for options: https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/eligibility/credit-cards/?p=0&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=13742958444&utm_id=13742958444&utm_term=best%200%20balance%20transfer%20card&&source=GOO-0X0000043FEBCF50F8&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwvr--BhB5EiwAd5YbXiWMyhaYOqVvwFzobYkUg1jKJiItvxWCSvvM70Q26zI0621R94WMbxoC62oQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds . If he could get, say, a 33 month repayment term, he would need to find £606pm to repay the card (without interest) in full within the 33 months (obviously he must not spend anything on this card or take out any others!) and he must show you he has a plan to do this.
3. KEEP checking your credit file. You have a joint mortgage and some joint accounts with him so you will be "associated" with him on your credit file and this can affect your credit score and make it harder for you to get credit.

Good. Absolutely do not agree to guarantee or refinance. It’s his problem to sort and he should be ashamed to even ask you.

OP you need to stop crying (when you are ready) and get angry with him. Tell the fucking wanker that he needs to sort this out now. Not having more kids with him is a blessing - trust me. This is so unbelievably selfish of him. How could he have luxury holidays and gamble while you are working all hours?

I would divorce and I’d push hard to take on the mortgage in my sole name and that useless waster can find somewhere else to live. Does DSC live with you full time? Could they continue living with just you or with their mum? He probably can’t afford a place of his own but that’s his bad. Maybe he should have thought of that before he spunked 10k on a luxury holiday while his wife cared for his kids at home.

You need to make sure he isn't going to secure this debt in any way onto your house.
Phone your mortgage company and tell them you have no intention of remortgaing. Desperate people do so much behind others backs.💐

Could you convince him to at least sign the house over to you, even if you have to remortgage by yourself? If he's truly sorry he'd be doing everything he could to insulate you and your children from the fallout of his selfish behaviour but he seems to only be concerned with you paying to pull him out of the hole he's dug.

If you are in the UK you need to contact a debt advisor and get your DH put into breathing space so you do not accrue further interest whilst you find a solution.

You’re married, this is your problem too. Solve the debt, then the marriage.

Edit: just seen you’re in Ireland so not applicable.

Is the house solely in his name?
No need for a divorce to take 5/6 yrs, mine was done in 8mths.

It’s not her problem and nor would it be in the UK. It is his debt, not hers and it is not a joint liability. She should distance herself from him and get the house transferred to her sole name.

This amount of debt on. Credit card is not OP's problem to sort at all. Married or not. It is reason for divorce. It is unforgivable but it is definitely not OP's problem to sort.
The man who spent the money can sort it.
OP just needs to make sure he doesn't put it in her name.

What a selfish self indulgent piece of work he is. You tell him absolutely not to refinancing and if he gets a wobbly lip, just have a look through his holiday pics. That should strengthen your resolve. The sheer gall of the man! He quite literally wants you to pay for his party. Fuck that noise.

I’d separate asap and see a socket asap about divorce and distancing yourself from this debt. Also note the longer you stay. The greater the likelihood that he takes more of your pension. Get rid. It’s unforgivable.

Have you refinanced before to hoover up his debts OP? Is that why there is no equity in the house?

It would be final for me. I would never trust him. If he's gambling he'll get into more debt.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

However, before you do anything else, make sure you have your facts completely straight.

Since 2020 online gambling using credit cards has been banned, for this exact reason.

Are you 100% sure £5k has been used to gamble, and if so how?