DH maxed out debt

[BudgetBuster]

Together 10 years, married 5, one stepchild (teen) and one toddler Together. Have just found out DH has racked up considerable credit card debt (almost €20k) over a short period and I am struggling to get past it. He cannot meet the minimum repayments and I found out accidentally, he hadn't planned on telling me. Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it.
But I am struggling to even want to stay in the relationship. He is a great Dad to the kids, but I'm literally crying every day at the thoughts of the lies, what he spent the money on (treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling).
To me the implications are huge. I am very focused on paying off any consumer debt we have (which was for household improvements) and building savings to offer our children better lives and the ability to go to college etc without huge student loans. I save my work bonus to pay for our holidays. I earn considerably more and contribute probably 70% to the household and family expenditure.
Refinancing the debt will end up with us really struggling for the next 2 years and then still having a good chunk of debt until 2030. This means no more kids as we can't afford childcare. Other household improvements we planned will never happen. If we had an emergency we dont even have the ability to borrow and our savings are now gone.
But everytime I look at him I cry. I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.

Sorry you are in the situation OP. I’ve not read on after you mentioned gambling. This situation won’t be resolvable unless he is ready to be honest about his gambling addiction and seek the appropriate help. He is not a great Dad if he has deceived the mother of his children. He wasn’t outing the children first when he was racking up debt.

This would be grounds for divorce for me.

Gambling? I'd be out of there in a heartbeat.

You have my sympathies OP. It has no doubt already been said on this thread, but your DH's gambling is an addiction just like alcoholism. The other stuff he has spent money on compounds his selfish inward looking approach to life. You will never be happy and have a normal life with a gambler. My ex was a gambler and it destroyed our marriage and family. Get out now.

My friend is in a similar position. He has now done this 3 times. First time she bailed him out £12k, second time she asked her own dad to pay £20k which he did with the understanding he now has absolutely nothing left to help her if she needs in and around 3 months ago it was £15k and it has now escalated to drug usage too.

She is a shell of the person I once knew. He spent most of it on pointless crap and mostly from gambling. They have an IVA on their house and he can provide nothing for his children. She was also paying majority of bills, cleaning and providing childcare to look after her step children on weekend when he was "working".

Instead of crying you need to find your anger. He's taken that money from your child. From their future.

Save yourself and your child from this future please. Your eyes have been opened now so whatever happens you won't be going into it blindly.

Went through something similar myself (though in my case it was hidden personal spending through a business, not debt accumulating) and although there were plenty of tears and self-flagellation and promises of being a changed man after I discovered it, I also could not get over the fact that he had lied to my face for years and prioritised his own selfish desire for personal luxuries over the wellbeing of the family.

A few years on, even from the distance I keep him at, I can see nothing has changed about his financial recklessness (he just doesn't bother to hide it now he's a bachelor) and even our tweens make comments to me that show they've clocked that there is something compulsive about their dad's shopping habits.

You might take a hit by getting out (I did) but it's better than being financially shackled to a reckless spender.

He said he closed his gambling account a few months back and hasn't gambled since. But to my knowledge this date of closure just lines up with him having no more credit available

Unfortunately "credit" is always available, even if it involves borrowing from friends/relatives or - god forbid - a loan shark, and trusting that he's stopped would be pointless when he didn't even intend telling you about this in the first place

I agree with most others that you'll either have to leave or be dragged down with him, but what's worrying me is that without funds he'll struggle to house himself and expect you to pay

I've no idea how this works in Ireland though, so would suggest getting proper legal advice as an absolute priority

It is unsecured debt in his name.
The company who chose to finance the husband's jolly good run can not demand money from anybody but the person who's name it is in.

I would see a divorce lawyer and ask the procedure for a divorce, also if you can protect from further depreciation of assets or accumulation of debt whilst the divorce is going through. Also speak to an Independent financial adviser and see if a fresh pair of eyes on the matter can give you options you may have not thought about.

I think it will get worse if you stay.

He is a gambling dad.
Where is the great in that ?

Oh no, gambling, is a real no go he must have a problem with it, to be that much in debt

Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it

No and never.

gambling

Sorry, he’s an addict. Time to move on and create your future without him.

Leave him op. The holiday and snazzy tech are post of the gambler’s mindset, always avoiding reality, playing big with money they don’t have. He could really badly ruin your life.

Legally separate now. He will do this again if you help him put

I found myself in a similar situation. I stayed with him for another 15 years believing / hoping that the situation would change, that he would change and that I could keep my family together. He didn't change. I have now been divorced for 5 years and have a good life with my two boys.
There's a quote, 'I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.

I read so many messages here, all with the same theme .Men are untrustworthy idiots. I have been - but are we all?

Even if you want to give the relationship another chance, I’d definitely divorce him. You need to disconnect yourself financially to have any hope of a stable future for you and the children. He WILL rack up more debt if you help him refinance it. Far far better to divorce, get the best financial settlement you can as a clean break (preferably while he’s still feeling guilty), then he can go bankrupt if he can’t make repayments.

Can he pick up a second job doing bar work or similar? Sell the tech. Downsize car?

Thus!

You say it will take five years to pay off. You may watch the pennies, but he won’t. You don’t want to live like this. He won’t change.

yes, a divorce may take time, but that will be shorter than a life of misery. Start the divorce proceedings, and free yourself from this life sentance.

Very sorry to say it OP but this man is not a good dad. No doubt he loves and enjoys his children, but he's not willing to focus on providing a secure home for them, or behave in a way that is likely to help their mother be relaxed and available to focus on them. Please don't get into trying to bail him out, it will only work if he takes responsibility for his own spending.

Please cut your losses ( and children’s losses). I was married for over 20 years and during those years periodically would pay off exH smaller debts ( up to 10k). I was a mug to fall for his promises and plans. I thought he was a good dad. I didn’t earn much more than him but I saved and had NO credit cards.
He took me for an absolute mug, I found out he was having an affair, then during divorce proceedings found he had built up just shy of 100k debt - multiple credit cards and loans.
Fortunately I could evidence these were not my debts, so he was left with them.

Get rid now.

It takes 6 years for a divorce in Ireland? 😧

in that case I think you need some urgent legal advice as to how you can best protect your position and disentangle your finances. I’d stop paying more than half the bills or anything at all towards his expenses for a start. Is a post-nup an option? Or a separation agreement? If he owns the house and it’s in negative equity can you just leave and let him go bankrupt?

Sounds like legal separation may be the route to go.

What a utterly selfish prick! Sounds like he decided to have one last hurrah (the holiday) before admitting everything

She's obviously not in the UK. It's clear from the first post.

it is a very common thing, just not spoken about. The same way "normal" debt isn't really spoken about. If you spoke to anyone who worked in debt its probably one of the most common situations:

A partner has hidden debt and derails their family life, marriage or house buying plans.

I think financial infidelity should be illegal to be honest. One way I think it could be curtailed is if any debt to be taken out by a married person, even £1, the other spouse has to give permission. Or that when you agree to become married you can no longer access personal debt at all, only joint debt.

But it won't ever be, as there is too much money in it for finance providers.

You are not alone in having this happen to you, it happens a lot.