DH maxed out debt

[BudgetBuster]

Together 10 years, married 5, one stepchild (teen) and one toddler Together. Have just found out DH has racked up considerable credit card debt (almost €20k) over a short period and I am struggling to get past it. He cannot meet the minimum repayments and I found out accidentally, he hadn't planned on telling me. Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it.
But I am struggling to even want to stay in the relationship. He is a great Dad to the kids, but I'm literally crying every day at the thoughts of the lies, what he spent the money on (treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling).
To me the implications are huge. I am very focused on paying off any consumer debt we have (which was for household improvements) and building savings to offer our children better lives and the ability to go to college etc without huge student loans. I save my work bonus to pay for our holidays. I earn considerably more and contribute probably 70% to the household and family expenditure.
Refinancing the debt will end up with us really struggling for the next 2 years and then still having a good chunk of debt until 2030. This means no more kids as we can't afford childcare. Other household improvements we planned will never happen. If we had an emergency we dont even have the ability to borrow and our savings are now gone.
But everytime I look at him I cry. I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.

You sound incredibly sensible, especially at a time of high emotion. Bravo for getting legal advice, if you can bear it, please can you consider updating after your session with a solicitor? I think there must be many people sadly in the same circumstances and would really value hearing some facts on options.
Good luck to you x

He is a liar and a gambler…. The trust has gone so this will be hard to overcome. Chances are he’ll just bring you lower and lower if you ‘bail’ him out of this situation, but there are no winners because either way you lose. No answers but I wish you all the best trying to get through this 💐

@BudgetBuster you will never have money if you live with a gambler. Even a drunk will fall down with something in their pocket, a gambler will bet their (and your) last penny.
Leave, he managed to get himself into this mess without your help, he can get himself out of it by himself.

Sounds like the debt is all in his name so he'll have to deal with it. OP has no responsibility for it.

Sadly, even if you won the lottery tomorrow and paid it all off, he'd start again right away with his gambling and extravagant spending.

Your dream of a bigger family is over.
You need to make a run for it ASAP. Get a good divorce solicitor and start proceedings.

Sounds like the debt is all in his name so he'll have to deal with it. OP has no responsibility for it.

Sadly, even if you won the lottery tomorrow and paid it all off, he'd start again right away with his gambling and extravagant spending.

Your dream of a bigger family is over.
You need to make a run for it ASAP. Get a good divorce solicitor and start proceedings.

Get a separate bank account-straight away, you need to divorce your credit score from his- have a joint account to pay the bills, but his debt is on him.
Even if you help him refinance it there are no guarantees he won't do it again-he kept it from you, in my book that makes it not your problem.
Add the same amount to the joint account he does and make it VERY clear if he spends money from the joint account on himself he needs to make it clear BEFORE he does it and that you will spend the same amount on yourself.
It is a joint mortgage so you are stuck with him, but as above check he has taken out no debt in your name , and has not remortgaged the house (this happened to my aunt, it is surprisingly easy to do).
As a gambler he is unlikely to change- so you surely can't want more children with him? Not being able to afford childcare could be the very least of your problems.
It looks as if you have seen what you want to see in this relationship- you need to be eyes open now , to protect yourself and your child.

Did your db sit next to you booking a cheap holiday just for him, not for you or either of his children, then secretly upgrade it to a £10k extravaganza, just for him, not for his wife or children? The last thing the op should do is refinancing or anything else that makes this debt joint. Why this man thinks they will be a team and pay it off now… she should say sure, just as soon as I’ve earnt enough to pay for an amazing £10k holiday for myself and the kids, so not as grand as yours just for you, but anyway once I’ve enjoyed that we can talk about helping you with your debt, if we are still married that many decades from now.

He didn't gamble on a 10K solo holiday. Booking holidays isn't a disease, and neither is deceit.

A fancy holiday and expensive new tech...

Actually.. I wonder if he was paying strippers or prostitutes on this lads hol....

OP whilst you may not be responsible for his debt his bad credit history / record may impact you especially when you do split and need your own mortgage.

i could not continue to live with someone who deceived so badly and affected your future life choices. Do ask solicitor is there no way he can be forced to move out? An alternative is to rent out current property until negative equity gone.

He needs to speak to debt charities see if they can help with repayment plans could even get interest frozen. But not sure if that applies if you are a household because your income may be counted.

Gambling is a disease and may have a teeny bit sympathy but the holiday was pure self indulgence with no consideration for you or his children. He needs to man up and start working extra jobs. Choices. Choices. He made them.

really 5 years to get divorced?

"he absolutely wouldn't leave".
Dear OP, there are ways around that, with good legal advice, and I'm sure some of the very wise and canny responders on here will give you the correct directions to take.
You are going to need to be very strong and very boundaried in the time ahead. You come across as a warm and caring person, such that you might be bamboozled into excusing the inexcusable and trying to save the unsaveable.
Please don't.

It's tough, but you do need to cast him adrift. He has to sort out his own responsibilities re his debts. At the worst, maybe he'll get a prison sentence (probably won't, but that's the worst case).

You HAVE to let him experience the consequences of his actions.

You'll get your strength from your imperative need to save and protect your child and, possibly also, your stepchild. You need to build your ark and sail away from your hopeless, soon-to-be-ex DP.

What was his plan if it wasn’t to tell you? How was he going to deal with it?
The booking a holiday beside you and then changing it behind your back is just awful! Get him to do a credit check to make sure there’s nothing else.

Mmm Gambling is an illness an addiction and if he sought help for that and really meant it, going to GA for example and seeking help from a debt consolidation company or from citizens advice. Bankruptcy may be the only solution. I might be willing to stay with him if he really was repentant and genually wanted to stop the gambling. Its a terrible addiction to have . I speak from experience.

I agree he is not a great dad or partner.
The gambling adds a whole other layer of complexity aswell. Are you certain you have the full picture? Can you tell family so you are not alone. You could reach out to Stepchange and seek some advice. Can he boost his earnings so this is more affordable for him to fix?? I think at the least you deserve some time to rethink and focus on what’s important to you.. perhaps counselling would help you clarify your feelings? I’m so sorry he has done this to you and your kids. Best of luck whatever you decide to do x

If you choose to stay with him you will get over it to a degree but (sadly in my experience) you never fully get over it. So your choice is which life do you want.
I think from the posts you have put up that staying with him is not the type of life you want and you are going to need all the support and love from family and friends to get through it but you will get through it. Good luck.

I was going to add that he will need support to get over the gambling and really want to stop, but you will also need support op.

I’m going to go against the grain here

it sounds like you love him, he’s a great Dad
for richer for poorer- yes he’s made massive stupid decisions with money
but perhaps before jumping straight to divorce get him to call step change and talk through his options - there are likely many options not involving you bailing him out. Then sit down and talk and work out what you want to do next x

That's what made the gambling so pleasurable - the adrenaline rush from knowingly putting his marriage, his children's futures and the house at risk.

He's now gambling on you falling for the crying, the pleas to help him, the 'why WON'T YOU HELP MEEEEEE? I thought we were a TEEEEAAAAMMM' bollocks, the angry threats, probably ones to kill himself, the whole spiel.

And if you pay a single penny of it, he'll go straight back out and gamble five times as much again, getting another buzz about whether you'll find out and call it a day.

There is no future here for you or your children, only misery, poverty and homelessness.

He's not a great dad, he has threatened his family's financial wellbeing without a single thought for them. I had a shit dad who did this too but at least there were no chatboards in those days with clueless people rushing to defend his abhorrent behaviour.

I couldn't get past this.
The gambling is extremely concerning
£10k on a holiday is quite astounding.

My ex did similar when the kids were little. I was scrimping and scraping getting by on £10 a week, he was racking up debt on secret credit cards as he didn't have enough to fund his preferred drinking/going out lifestyle he thought he deserved. So thousands on credit cards with absolutely nothing to show for it.
I only found out as they sent an annual spending statement to the house (I used to deal with all the post with his permission before I'm accused of opening his post). He thought he had been clever keeping it all hidden online.
He couldn't see the problem and 'everyone' has debt like that. Err no they don't and that attitude was the deal breaker.
I work in finance so bankruptcy would have ended my career. The fact he would risk that horrified me.
Kicked him out, bought him out of his share of house (thanks in part to my lovely parents, but not a proud moment)
D-I-V-O-R-C-E
He's spent all the buy out money, still in debt and boy am I glad to be out of that now. It took me a few years to find my feet again but now I'm in a really good place and so much more happy and secure

Look into getting him some help through CAP or another debt management charity and severe your personal financial connections with him until he can prove he is back on track. You may have to divorce him but in an amicable way. A friend of mine did this to her alcoholic husband and remarried him years later when he proved he had made an effort and sorted himself out for the sake of his family. Don't bale him out personally or he'll sink you all.

I will try and give practical advice here, gambling is an addiction...... and I don't believe someone can just stop without proper help. So for me if I was staying in the relationship that would definitely be a condition, that he gets proper help. Although I know nhs councilling waiting times in my area are very long, waited 5 months for my daughter to have just 6 sessions on the nhs. There are private councillors but obviously that would be at a cost.
Also a warning and this didn't happen to me but actually my mom, she was with my stepdad for YEARS atleast 11 years, had my brother ect. Lived with my uncle and sold his home (uncle agreed) and said to put the money from the sale in their account until they found somewhere. (Uncle also moving with us). We lived in rented accommodation whilst looking. Long story short, he gambled 80% of this money within a year....... wasn't even my mom's money let alone his. That was the end of their relationship then.

Only you can decide if you want to separate or not, but as his actions have such an impact on not just you, but 2 children aswell. If you decided to stay with him I would let him know that you will now have complete control over household finances. As he has proven he is not capable of making sure the household is looked after. And he needs to find a way to pay this debt off, even if he has to go round mowing neighbours lawns for a tenner.

Wow, you have a lot on your plate Hon.
No wonder you are so upset. And rightly so.

First of all ,get some professional help on sorting out your debt first. Somebody like a really good debt Councillor but don't tell your husband.

Or see a really good experienced Solicitor who csn advice you on Debt Recovery. Expensive but worth it.

You really need to address the debt Pronto. Possibly maybe take him to Small Claims Court?

He sounds like a real arrogant, lying little shit..And worse of all, a freeloader.

Probably he also resents you earning a lot more than him. Modern couples try to talk this issue down, but it can lay hidden and dormant.

Secondy, get some advice from Relate about your relationship. Not sure but think Relate may see spouses on their own without their partners.

This man is a loser and not up to much.God knows what he could do in the future. Get Rid

You'd be better off without him

Wish you luck
😻

It just makes no sense that he would want a lavish holiday without you. Sounds like he was trying to impress someone. Unless you're loaded - which he isn't/wasn't - why would he splurge on a holiday? most men are fine with basics unless there is a woman involved.

Also I meant to say, stepchange are a debt management, they are a charity so fo t take any money for helping. They can sort debt manager plan where they take a set amount a month and pay off debts, or set up an iva. So I would tell him to be giving them a call.
He would need all his income and outgoings, they will calculate what he has left (if anything) after this. If he has something left on paper would be a debt management plan, they speak to creditors and 99% of the time creditors stop the interest going into the debt.
Think there is a but trickier if his incoming are less than his outgoings as that would be an iva