DH maxed out debt

[BudgetBuster]

Together 10 years, married 5, one stepchild (teen) and one toddler Together. Have just found out DH has racked up considerable credit card debt (almost €20k) over a short period and I am struggling to get past it. He cannot meet the minimum repayments and I found out accidentally, he hadn't planned on telling me. Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it.
But I am struggling to even want to stay in the relationship. He is a great Dad to the kids, but I'm literally crying every day at the thoughts of the lies, what he spent the money on (treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling).
To me the implications are huge. I am very focused on paying off any consumer debt we have (which was for household improvements) and building savings to offer our children better lives and the ability to go to college etc without huge student loans. I save my work bonus to pay for our holidays. I earn considerably more and contribute probably 70% to the household and family expenditure.
Refinancing the debt will end up with us really struggling for the next 2 years and then still having a good chunk of debt until 2030. This means no more kids as we can't afford childcare. Other household improvements we planned will never happen. If we had an emergency we dont even have the ability to borrow and our savings are now gone.
But everytime I look at him I cry. I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.

She tells you in her post

This is horrible advice. A child is a child and it takes all society to care for them and do the best for them. It is a credit to OP that she is seriously considering how she can achieve this post seperation, as a loved and relied upon step parent.

This guy has already left you. He detached himself and signed out of your relationship just before he jumped on a plane to have a lads holiday. How does a man spend 10k on a holiday! You’d have to be paying for women to rack up such a large bill, unless of course he flew business class.

I couldn't respect a person who could do this. And once the respect goes, the love dies soon after, in my experience. And a marriage without love is no marriage.

Good luck OP. You sound like a lovely, sensible person.

Wow wow wow. This is horrific. He is extremely deceitful 😳😟. Definitely DO NOT refinance it nomatter what. What was his plan to pay it off?. Let him get on with it!. Really wicked of him to do this!

He didn’t think about you or the kids when he spent the money. Don’t think about him when making a decision on what to do

He is an absolute collosal dick then, what a selfish wanker.

My friend had this situation about 15 years ago. She forgave him and paid off his debt and stayed married. Last year she found out that he had gambled away the children’s savings and accrued about £150k of debt as he managed her self employed business. She then filed for divorce. She wishes she had done it years ago. Don’t be my friend 💕💕

If you help pay it off while he sits back being rescued, what's stopping him from doing it again?
What kind of man would do this to his family and not say that HE will work two jobs to pay it off...why should you?
When you said gambling my heart sank, this debt is a result of an addiction not a few irresponsible purchases 😔 paying the debt won't help that.
I think you should tell him he needs to figure out a way to fix this and step back and not take responsibility for it.
I feel so bad for you 😞
Can the balance possibly be transferred to a 0% interest card?? Put it in his name.
Make him pay it though, he dug the hole.

I know this doesn't help with your relationship but he can get an IVA which means 1 monthly payment which is affordable based on his finances alone. In an IVA he would not be allowed anymore credit. It lasts for 5 years.

You say he was able to get a lot of credit with not that large an income?
Like a PP mentioned, it is because he has used your income to boost his credit amount.
You don't have anything in the UK where someone can use their house as partial collateral to get credit? Not sure if it is still possible in the US, but it used to be, and the fallout was horrible. I am hoping they stopped it here and have never had it in the UK.

I don't think I could forgive this, but that's really something only you can decide. I would just protect as many assets as you can and don't have a joint savings acct. with him, ever. Also, do not take out debt to pay debt. Let him struggle with it because then, he'll know he cannot just let it fly again. If he has zero "spending money" for the next dozen years, it's on him.

I haven’t read through all of the comments so someone may already have recommended this but if you do divorce make sure you take out a financial order ensuring he can’t come after any of your money. I had no idea that, even after divorce, they can still get half of any inheritance or other money you may come into. Luckily I had a good solicitor that advised me of this. Good luck. I am sorry you are going through this 💐

A great dad wouldn't spend £10,000 on a holiday with his mates, upgrading the budget holiday that OP saw him book, behind her back. If he had spent it on a family holiday, I could possibly believe that he was trying to do his best for his family, but he spent £20,000 on things just for him and nothing for his family.

So sorry for you.
Is this totally out of character for him? Could he be mentally ill? Suddenly spending loads could be bipolar thing.

The last sentence says it all. He has spent money he didn’t have and spent it on himself. Not good. Please, cut your losses. He’s not the man for your future happiness.

I agree, she doesn't have to divorce but she should not refinance the debt. He has to get and Iva or something like that. @BudgetBuster you have to totally separate your finances from him

This level of deceit means he simply can never be trusted again. What exactly was he thinking would happen. How was he going to pay it off?. He will do it again if she bails him out. He needs an iva or something like that which will stop him getting any more debt.

Yes!...there is definitely more to uncover here!

If I were you I'd split as they don't change and it will only get worse.

Take on the house yourself. First see a lawyer about him moving out and what you are entitled to. Child maintenance?

That's disgusting. Gambling because of it's addictive nature feels different, but he purposefully knowingly went out if his way to deceive you so he could spend 10K of money borrowed on a credit card on a holiday just for him. He chose to destroy your financial future, he chose to destroy your chance of having another child for a bloody holiday. The gambling is for me relationship ending, but it is an addiction, whereas this is premeditated completely selfish arsehole behaviour and now he's crying to you because he can't pay for the financial destruction he knowingly caused. For me the gambling is a relationship ender because it's an addiction and you can no longer trust, but the holiday is a relationship ender because of what it says about him and how disgustingly selfish he is. I'd see a lawyer asap if you move fast it's not automatic that the debt will be considered joint, it may well be, but the longer you know about it the more likely that becomes. Don't pay towards the debt, you need to make sure no payments come out of the joint account or your account for the credit card debt. Keep it as separate as possible, it might help.

Make him sign up to Experian or a similar company and there you will see all his finances, when they started and if he has applied for more.

I know the standard for a 'great' dad is depressingly low but you really need to raise yours. Great dad's don't spend 10K they don't have on a credit card on a holiday just for themselves while financially crippling their family. Given the level of duplicity and selfishness displayed he's not even a decent person, let alone anything approaching a great dad. Sometimes the person you love turns out to be an arsehole, staying while they find new ways to screw you over is never a good idea.

I'd seek professional advice first of all. Debt management, also help for his gambling. I'd do that immediately. Last thing you want is bailiffs coming to the door. Is he sorry for what he's done? Will he accept he has a gambling problem?
I'd definitely keep my money separate from his, no joint accounts, he won't be able to get more credit cards if he's maxed his out so be very careful he doesn't start demanding money from you (someone with a severe gambling addiction will go to drastic lengths to feed his addiction) is the credit card he's maxed out his or in joint names? As for divorce that's up to you, but if you stay with him, make sure you handle all the money, he's behaved like a kid, treat him like one, no money for himself all his wages go to paying his debts. But, seek advice now, not next week, do it today. Good Luck, I really hope you can find a solution.

I agree with this.

If the debts had been purely down to gambling - it's an addiction and chasing the win can account for thousands almost in a few minutes. But the cold calculation of spending money that the family can't afford so he can have a great time on holiday and some fancy tech? THAT is when it becomes completely unforgivable. It's not even a case of 'when I win big she'll see it was all worthwhile', he knew that spending on a fancy holiday was money that was just gone and would need repaying, there isn't even a mental spin that you could put on it to make it understandable.

He spent £1,000s on high tech stuff, well tell him to sell it, at least get some money back and pay that off the debt, if he says no, it's mine,remind him it's NOT HIS, ITS NOT PAID FOR, he owes the credit card company for it. Even a couple of 1,000 paid off is better than nothing. He needs to face his responsibilities, because that debt is HIS and id make sure he knows that.