DH maxed out debt

[BudgetBuster]

Together 10 years, married 5, one stepchild (teen) and one toddler Together. Have just found out DH has racked up considerable credit card debt (almost €20k) over a short period and I am struggling to get past it. He cannot meet the minimum repayments and I found out accidentally, he hadn't planned on telling me. Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it.
But I am struggling to even want to stay in the relationship. He is a great Dad to the kids, but I'm literally crying every day at the thoughts of the lies, what he spent the money on (treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling).
To me the implications are huge. I am very focused on paying off any consumer debt we have (which was for household improvements) and building savings to offer our children better lives and the ability to go to college etc without huge student loans. I save my work bonus to pay for our holidays. I earn considerably more and contribute probably 70% to the household and family expenditure.
Refinancing the debt will end up with us really struggling for the next 2 years and then still having a good chunk of debt until 2030. This means no more kids as we can't afford childcare. Other household improvements we planned will never happen. If we had an emergency we dont even have the ability to borrow and our savings are now gone.
But everytime I look at him I cry. I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.

Nope, he's going to need to pick up a second job.

This is an insane take. Who are you to diagnose OP because she's worried about her stepson's future housing security- a reasonable worry and empathy?

9 days after finding out she's meeting up with a solicitor to discuss legal separation. But that doesn't fit with your diagnosis so you've ignored it.

He’s not mentioned his debt since. You may find he’s not able to handle the reality of it’s his debt and he needs to get a second job and be skint for years to pay it off.

I think the resentment will overwhelm you.

Firstly - just know that folks on here are thinking about you and sending you love and moral support from afar. Secondly .. crying ain’t gonna sort this. Maybe some of us out here can have a tiny bit of sympathy for your man who at best appears to have a gambling addiction but who at worst is a low level skunk who’s been piggy backing on your earnings and home creation whilst he plays Jack-the-Lad. You’ve just discovered that he’s not the man you thought he was. This hasn’t happened overnight. Your man has been deceiving you. And if you hadn’t stumbled across the truth just now, heaven only knows how bad it could have been when the sh#t REALLY hit the fan. So that’s your baseline. Do you/can you face the rest of your life living with this damaged individual? Or do you dry your tears, toughen up, put yourself and the kids first and take immediate steps to separate yourself from the debt and the debtor? Remember, this guy owes you in a hundred ways - not just the money. No doubt about it - the second option is TOUGH. Doing things you never imagined you’d have to do is scary. But doing nothing is FAR scarier. Get help. I don’t mean counselling. I mean Legal. You need best professional advice now. Go !

At the absolute minimum, if you want to stay with this guy (which I wouldn’t recommend you do) but I think that’s how this is likely to play out from your recent posts… you must divorce him, make sure the house is solely in your name and keep your finances 100% separate.

You can still be together if that’s what you ultimately decide, but you have to protect your child and yourself. He cannot be trusted now and can never be trusted in the future with money. You cannot allow yourself to be legally tied to this liability. However much you love him.

Not sure if you've read the thread, alot of posts i know. I saw a solicitor today and the wheels are in motion to financially cut ties where possible.

Think really carefully about cohabiting.

I think you are storing up trouble for future. The longer you do this the harder it will be to get him out

Don't settle for a life lived in limbo. No real marriage but no opportunity to move on - not just in terms of a partner but in establishing your own life.

The older your child gets the harder it is to separate fully.

He'll continue to have no where to go because you'll be enabling him not to deal with it.

It might seem easier now but are you sure you want to be tied in this way? I can't see you can ever regrow a relationship from resentment - and if he's living in the house that will be inevitable.

Well done, be brave, best wishes.

I'm another who really doubts his solo holiday was as solo as all that.:/

Well done @BudgetBuster for tackling the most important issue so promptly. He has to dig himself out of this mess with as little impact on you as possible.

It’s unlikely you’ll be able to trust or forgive him, but I agree that cohabitation to start will help give you time to decide that & at least give him a chance to sort himself & start to make amends. (Gamblers rarely just give up, so unlikely to last long term, but at least you know you tried). Good luck.

I was quoting as op had referred to him

but can’t disagree with his dis thought for others affected

OP, well done consulting a solicitor and prioritizing making a plan to protect yourself and your DC financially first and foremost. I wish it didn't feel so refreshing to see an update on here with a poster taking such prompt action in that way.

It's easy for random people on the internet to tell you to just dump the marriage immediately and stop giving a flip about your husband, but it's different when it's your own family. As long as you continue to form a plan with your solicitor to protect you and your DC on a financial front and lay down some clear boundaries for your DH (and stick to both!) I think it's completely reasonable to take some time making decisions about the relationship itself.

If you haven't, I would really consider adding some counseling for yourself to your list of action steps. It will likely help you to talk through the emotional side of this (I would imagine plenty of betrayal, fear, and grieving) and they can help you with both boundary setting/keeping and working through decisions about your future.

It does seem like an excessive 'upgrade' to add £10k on, ive had some big upgrades to holidays and would struggle to spend £10k on extra bits, let alone £10k on a single holiday for 1 person, it must have been some super exclusive resort for that money.

If you have to be separated for 2 years to divorce in Ireland, isn't continuing to cohabit just limiting your options instead of opening them up? If you have any idea that the relationship might be salavaged, surely what he needs to do is move out, sort his shit out and make it crystal clear in the way he acts that he will do anything to save his marriage and family. If he hasn't managed to do that in two years, you'd have a free choice as to what happens next.

The legal system in Ireland recognises legal separation even if residing in a shared house. Presumably for financial reasons. The aim was to protect vulnerable women if memory serves when the legislation was drafted. Legally she'll be no worse off if he continues to live there but as you say there is merit in him moving out and showing he can sort his shit out rather than staying in the family home while she covers all the costs. Without a separation agreement she is also vulnerable to the financial terms being contested later.

Ironically due to the housing crisis in Ireland he probably has next to no chance of digging himself out of this hole he's created if he wants to if he has additional housing costs on top. Not that that should be the OPs problem. AT ALL. But if she is prepared to take on all the mortgage/bills etc , she should absolutely protect herself in the event that he can't stop gambling and they divorce in 2 years.

@BudgetBuster I'm glad you've gotten legal advice.

Here's a cautionary tale, with the caveat that I'm not in Ireland. A friend's dad developed a gambling habit that nearly cost him and his wife everything. So she got a legal separation but they remained married and living in the marital home. He kept on gambling and in the end, that legal separation with division of assets wasn't enough to protect his wife from financial harm. They had to legally divorce for her to be 100% sure she wouldn't be affected by his continuing to run up debt. I don't know the legal ins and outs, but it had to do with being legally separated but still living together. After they were legally divorced (and the house in her sole name as part of the divorce) she had no more issues.

Thanks for this - that's exactly the aim atm.
His entire salary wouldn't even allow him to rent a one / 2-bed within an hour of us (and we actually live rural enough, not a city). So that would mean that actually he'd end up spending 50% of his salary on renting a room, and then have bills & food on top, the kids wouldn't get to see him properly at all if he's living in a room and he would never be able to even make minimum repayments on his debt.

The reason I am looking into legal seperation is to ensure that I am financially protected from HIS debt, affording him the opportunity to prove he wants to work on repaying the debt / bettering himself, ensuring my kids still have a roof over their heads but also in the case that he effs up again I can quickly legalise a divorce and he'll be on his own to find for himself.

Super admiring of your approach and decision making. Congratulations

I can see why the gambling is stressful- it holds the potential to ruin you both financially. it’s a huge scary weight over you.

But once you’ve managed to separate the finances and protect yourself I think you need to consider more what his actions over the holiday tell you about how he feels about you and the kids. About what your marriage means.

"the kids wouldn't get to see him properly at all if he's living in a room and he would never be able to even make minimum repayments on his debt."

He's got a much higher of chance of spiralling downwards if he rents a room. At least if he is in the martial home seeing the children there would be some incentive to keep his act together no matter how loosely he manages to do that.

There's a lot of us concentrating on the gambling. But what about the 10k holiday he went on ON HIS OWN and borrowed money for or the fancy tech he's bought himself? Gambling addiction will get him sympathy and offers of treatment - being a selfish bastard isn't an addiction it's a personality fault and there's no treatment for that.

If you're going to give him a chance OP get him to transfer the house into your name only so you and the children are protected if this goes pear shaped. Good luck

I thought about this thread today when listening to the Radio and it switched to the Cheltenham Festival. Someone banging on about the odds on each horse and I still want to scream even though it was over 12 years ago since I went through it.
It's so acceptable to gamble. And no wonder some of the richest people in the UK own betting companies.
The adverts are constantly on and the only person I have ever Heard speak out about gambling adverts was Jeffrey Archer the writer on GMB.
I think your approach is the best you can do in this mess OP and I wish you all the best.

The last nail for me was driving my DD to the train station and ExDh walking out of Bet Fred and crossing the road right in front of us. The look on his face and thank fuck I had DD in the car otherwise he would have gaslighted me.

Where do you live? I think you need to separate your finances immediately get a solicitor and get help in drafting letters to any and all organisations that might lend him money, telling them that moving forward you are separating and you will have no responsibility for any debt he builds up.

I was in a relationship with a gambler. They don’t stop, no matter how hard you try and get them to see the error of their ways. Get out now before you come home one day and all your furniture has been sold to feed the habit.