DH maxed out debt

[BudgetBuster]

Together 10 years, married 5, one stepchild (teen) and one toddler Together. Have just found out DH has racked up considerable credit card debt (almost €20k) over a short period and I am struggling to get past it. He cannot meet the minimum repayments and I found out accidentally, he hadn't planned on telling me. Now he wants me to help him refinance and tackle it.
But I am struggling to even want to stay in the relationship. He is a great Dad to the kids, but I'm literally crying every day at the thoughts of the lies, what he spent the money on (treating himself to new tech, a lavish holiday [that I was informed was on a very tight budget], and gambling).
To me the implications are huge. I am very focused on paying off any consumer debt we have (which was for household improvements) and building savings to offer our children better lives and the ability to go to college etc without huge student loans. I save my work bonus to pay for our holidays. I earn considerably more and contribute probably 70% to the household and family expenditure.
Refinancing the debt will end up with us really struggling for the next 2 years and then still having a good chunk of debt until 2030. This means no more kids as we can't afford childcare. Other household improvements we planned will never happen. If we had an emergency we dont even have the ability to borrow and our savings are now gone.
But everytime I look at him I cry. I know if we split he would never be able to make the repayments and I dont know what that would mean for the children's future.

My hubs did this... i missed a call on my phone and a mutual friend called his phone to speak to me we had a chat and when i hung up there was a notification on screen about a £50 bet!!! When I handed the phone back I said I saw it and asked if I should be worried (I knew he had a gambling problem in his first marriage) .... he looked me straight in the damn face and lied! Then guilt ate him up and a few days later he came home from work early and completely broke down. I was gobsmacked because he was already in an IVA for debts from his first marriage, they lost equity on their home and his gambling had put them £30k in the shiit. He took the debt on alone to leave his ex wife debt free for the sake of their kids, had no idea he would meet me, only did the IVA after that because he knew we wouldn't have a hope of ever having a mortgage together unless he got himself sorted out... so I didn't understand how he had even got into gambling debts.... had no idea you can go into debt on a PayPal account... first he told me £3k .... that's what was on the PayPal account, another lie, his mum had already bailed him out and he owed her a further £5k.... that's what was on top of the IVA and the lying I thought our lives were over! We were poor as hell too and had already been scraping by with every spare penny going to his IVA. I was devastated and like you just kept crying constantly. Well he went to the doctor, got antidepressants, started therapy, attended gambling groups, closed all his accounts, paid his salary directly into my personal bank account that he had no access to. Those were my terms for staying together, which he went along with. I would say it's been smooth sailing since but unfortunately that's not true, he did fall off the wagon when his brother (who was his absolute best friend in the world) was arrested for the worst possible crime imaginable, tried to commit suicide and then just vanished off the planet (although the charges never stuck hubby knows he was guilty) but he felt like his brother died and I sort of understand that relapse which unfortunately added another 2k to the pot. But well we are now 9 years later and we are debt free... we wouldn't be without the IVA and even though taking further debt breaches the IVA rules because he was honest and in therapy they allowed us to have a IVA break to pay the PayPal debts and restart the IVA after so it all took longer than it should have. Also the IVA was in his name only so I wasn't responsible for it. It's been rough and sometimes when life gives us a giant basket of lemons I do worry he's going to stumble again but I'm also proud of him for how far he has come. Addictions are evil but people can and do overcome them....

if he's not willing to do the work then everyone here is right, you do need to run for the hills. But if he is willing and I would insist on things like doing an IVA in his name only and therapy etc then there is hope.

Reading this back to myself I know I sound like a bit of a mug, my brother certainly told me so after the second time and maybe I'm completely wrong just because he's doing well right now doesn't mean I'm not going to find myself up the creek without a paddle again in the future but I dunno I just wanted to give him a chance to fix it before I abandoned ship and he might not sound like it in this post but he really is the best human I've ever met.

To recover his position he’s got to want to do so. He’s got to admit his failings and make positive efforts to get himself out of his mess.

Step change, CAP or other debt support group to help with the debt/spending.
Gamblers anonymous, or similar, to help with his gambling addiction.

Any recovery method - whether it be financial or mental should not impinge on you whether it be you paying off his debt or being drained emotionally by him.

It’s time to look after yourself, your interests and others you choose to look after.

Where am I coming from? One of my siblings was in this position - partner draining 2 incomes coming into their household. House needed to be remortgaged twice (12 or so years apart) to sort out card debts. It only came to light when said partner was incapacitated by illness and the various card accounts, and payments required, came out of the woodwork. Some of these accounts were buried on partner’s laptop. Partner died a few years ago, debts sorted and so there shouldn’t be a recurrence.

All the best

You may be jointly and severly responsible for the debt because you're married. Pls arrange to speak to citizens advice to see where you stand. What a complete DH he is.

Why would u come here to strangers for advice, they don’t live with u and any decision u make affects u and the children & u should be able to live with the choice u make. Pl are different we all have a cut off point. I suggest u seek professional help to make an informed decision, speak to family of u can for emotional support. Nothing is impossible the question is do u want to. Why go into a relationship if u are going to run at a challenge and at the same time why put up with lies ie only u & u alone knows. Ppl on here hav different experiences but it is not yours. Make a decision u will be proud of when your children are older can explain and still support it. It’s not going to be easy but trying and envisage yr future after making each decision. Wishing u all the best and try not to feel bad u have not done anything wrong but need to get yr head out of were it’s at and be practical without using emotions to make a decision

See a lawyer. There could be options for separation, rather than going straight to divorce. Good luck.

Older lady here, I’m only responding because I don’t want you to end up in my shoes in 20/30 or 40 years down the line. My parents or siblings were never into any gambling etc so I grew up not really knowing about it and certainly not interested in it. I met and married my husband on the rebound unfortunately and didn’t realise he was into gambling on the horses. When we were first married and really struggling to get a home together and pay a large mortgage we had many an argument over his gambling with him promising me he’d grown up with it and that I would never stop him! He has always said gambling is a mugs game and he only gambles a small amount every day. So I took charge of our money, I opened a secret account in my name only for holidays and emergencies in the home or if our DC needed anything. One day I was going through his pockets to put in washing and found a gambling credit card!! I showed him what I’d found, it turns out the bookies offer these credit cards to the idiots who take them out apparently. I was furious as I had thought I had the upper hand with him only having a certain amount of money I had given him each week to use as he wanted but at least I knew what he was spending (throwing down the drain) each week on his gambling. He retired recently and spends 3/4 hours up the bookies (seeing mates he tells me) quite frankly the longer he’s out the better these days. If we go out anywhere and we happen to pass a bookies he always has to pop in it, it drives me mad. We’ve had so many many arguments over the years over his love of sport and gambling that it killed our love years ago. If I was in your shoes at your age personally in hindsight I’d leave him even if you had to sell your house and rent a flat for you and your son. You will never stop him gambling if it’s in his blood, they rack up debt and then they lie and swear it’s the truth until you end up believing it. I have to ask, to spend around £10K on a luxury holiday are you sure he didn’t take another woman? How can any man especially a liar like your husband even think of taking a luxury holiday and not take his wife and kids? Ask yourself that. Do you really want to be in this poisoned position in 20/30 years? Him still gambling and lying to you that he doesn’t? Sometimes you have to give up the love of your life if you’re simply not compatible. I know that as previous husband carried mattress around on his back and I couldn’t stand knowing there was other woman so as much as I loved him I divorced him when I looked ahead to what my life would of been like in maybe 20/30 years . My friend is also married to a compulsive gambler and ended up losing her home over it and has nothing to leave her kids when she dies, she’s still with him and he’s still gambling. She once had a beautiful house and is now in rented. Please don’t put his debt in your name and DO NOT help him to pay it off. Have your own account in your name only and never tell him what’s in the account or how much your bonus’s are. If you stay with him make HIM pay HIS debt off it’s the only way he will learn as the more you help him the more he will not care eventually how much debt he gets in because his “mama money tree” (you) will always sort his shit out in his mind. Trust me that I do know. There’s two things I’d say to him if I were you and that is here is the phone number of Stepchange to help him sort a repayment scheme out by himself. Tell him you are separating at the moment, so it’s only to be in his name, that way he won’t be able to take anymore credit cards out anywhere until he’s paid his debts out. Secondly, I’d tell him you want a separation for a year to see how he behaves , that way you can see if he does help himself. One last thing, take ALL of his cards off him and ONLY give him his pocket money in cash or a prepaid card, parting with cash makes their spending more realistic and hurts the pocket making him think twice hopefully what he spends. I wish you good luck with whatever you end up doing,

Get out now, my ex husband did this to me and worse and it took me 5 years to repair my credit file and the creditors came after the house and having to deal with bailiffs every week gets tedious as well. Unless you are willing to take total control over all his finances and basically treat him like a child then get rid of him - immediately before he drags you any further under with him.

I struggled through years of marriage with my husband always maxing out credit cards, seven in total at the end. When he wanted me to remorgage the house, I said no and told him to leave. I struggled but at least I know how much money I have. We could have lost our home and he could have walked away from it all, with the debt companies chasing me! I am happier, calmer and have a better relationship with my children.

One thing I forgot to say is how will staying with him affect your mental health for the foreseeable?

I don’t know which country you’re in, but in the uk it won’t take that long, and you can apply as a one sided application.

You should be aware that the court will see the debt as a joint marital debt, and so it will be paid back from any assets (or jointly repaid if there aren’t enough assets to cover it).

Leaving aside any emotional decisions for the minute, if you want financial security (which does seem important to you), staying together could practically be the best option.

You work together on paying off the debt and you don’t have to find more money to repay a mortgage in negative equity (though a court would probably sign the house over to you if you can keep up the mortgage payments on your own?)

If you divorce and have to sell the house (because you can’t afford it on your own) there is both negative equity to repay and also this debt, and then I’m guessing not much contribution from him to the children as maintenance (given he earns much less than you).

I can totally see that the decision isn’t about money, it’s about trust and communication. But be clear about the financial position as well.

Have a meeting scheduled today to discuss my options. Thank you

Op has said she's in Ireland, and talks in €.

Divorce does take years in Ireland, for one thing you have to be separated for at least 2 years before you can apply. Divorce only became legal in 1996, so things are far behind UK here.

Thanks for the advice

We are in Ireland and actual divorce means you have to be seperated 5 years i think. But legal seperation can be done quicker. I have an appointment shortly with solicitor to discuss my options. I could easily afford the mortgage and all bills etc alone, but he couldn't afford to rent anywhere on his salary (major housing crisis here unfortunately).

I just can't trust that he won't do it again. It's been 9 days and he's barely said a word about it.

I am not sure if this has been asked. But what about marriage counselling. I agree what he has done is trust breaking actions. But trust can be rebuilt. I'm sure there is an analogy about not to making life altering decisions or shot gun changes in the heat of stress and you are in the midst of it all right now.

What I will say is that when I was younger my dad had an affair and my mum made fast decisions based on her work colleagues advice. The ironic thing was that some of those ladies husbands went on to have affairs and those same ladies stayed with their husbands "working through it". Not taking their own previous advice that they told my mum to do. And one of the ladies also had an affair of her own too!

It's easy to say to someone what they "should" do, but they may act differently when faced with the same challenge.

You've had a lot of comments on here and may have had some in real life.

Relationships are not easy, my own included. We were close to breaking up, not through any infidelity but after years at childrens hospital, but we did try marriage counselling with three different therapists, and liked the third so stayed with her. We both wanted to know if that was us done, that we could walk away knwoing we had really turned over every stone as such. We were really on a knife's edge in terms of we could stay together or lets get support to split amicably. And we have stayed together.

Just what I'm saying is don't walk yourself along a path to be accountable to people online or in real life.

Trust can sometimes be rebuilt with marriage therapists.

I think you both need to speak about this together but that's just my opinion.

Do what's best for you. Take care of yourself.

@BudgetBuster

Best of luck with your appointment today. Hopefully there will be options that will work for you.

He won't say a word cos he wants you to sort it out for him. He's keeping a low profile so you do and he gets away with it.
I hope you have received some useful advice this afternoon.

Since you have negative equity anyway and he has a debt I’d be suggesting a quick divorce, there are no assets to divide, so maybe you could stay in house or sell up and downsize to something where you’ll have no debt…. He can then (once separated financially) claim bankruptcy maybe?…… seek legal advice before suggesting that though!!

"I could easily afford the mortgage and all bills etc alone, but he couldn't afford to rent anywhere on his salary (major housing crisis here unfortunately)."

If you legally separated/ divorced and you kept the house, could you remain together? It's unclear whether you still want to be in a relationship with him, perhaps you're undecided- but you could keep the family unit by continuing to cohabit, while remaining financially independent of him?

@BudgetBuster "he couldn't afford to rent anywhere on his salary"

He's a grown man, OP. An adult. You are NOT responsible for him. He'll sort it out if he has to, and being made to sort it out is exactly what he needs.

You should read up on codependency, because you have it. It's very destructive, not just to you but also your vulnerable dependent children - and even your deeply immature H! By not letting him feel the full consequences of his actions, you condemn him to fail again.

Here's the definition of codependency, lots of women have it because it's socialised into us:

"Codependency is a psychological condition characterized by an imbalance in relationships where one person, often referred to as the codependent, excessively focuses on others' needs, sacrificing their own well-being and emotional fulfillment. This condition typically involves enabling behaviors that support another person's self-destructive habits, such as addiction or poor mental health.

Key Features: High Self-Sacrifice: Codependents prioritize others' needs over their own, often leading to resentment and emotional distress
Emotional Suppression: They may suppress their own emotions and desires to maintain the relationship
Control and Fixation: Codependents often attempt to control or fix others' problems, which can exacerbate relationship issues
Lack of Boundaries: Difficulty in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is common
Origins and Impact: Codependency often arises from dysfunctional family dynamics, where individuals learn to prioritize others' needs over their own as a coping mechanism"

You can overcome codependency, I did. But you've got to actively reprogram yourself out of this extremely destructive reflexive thinking.

This is exactly how I am swaying right now.
I am coming up with a proposal around the finances with my solicitor and then there will also be some other things my husband will need to do to work on the relationship (GA, marriage counselling, self exclude etc).

It's obviously your life and choice, but how do you ever trust a man who blew ten grand on a solo (from the family) holiday but made you believe he was travelling on a budget? The sheer fucking selfishness. This still shocks me.

I've no idea. Funnily the gambling is what is stressing me more tbh. But we have kids so I need to at least consider their interests also.
It's likely I won't get over it, but I'm trying not to make rash decisions

Good luck. Genuinely. But consider that he didn't think of his kids. That would be my first question in therapy, if he agrees.

I watched a work colleague go through a gambling addiction. He was able to have funds released from his work superannuation on an urgent basis/hardship clause as he had increased the mortgage on the family home without his wife knowing.

once that was sorted, he started to go to counselling and the house was transferred into his wife’s sole name.

i left the business but last I heard he was couch surfing, having started gambling again.

dies yours have superannuation you/he could apply to be released

Does yours ^