Feeling a bit hurt to be left out of bridal party/hen

[Bounty9]

I have been with DH for 12 years, married for 4. SIL and I have always got along well, had nights out together, afternoon teas, spa days. Admittedly not best of friends, but always friends. She was one of my bridesmaids along with 2 of my closest friends and my sister. We both have children now who have play dates and we babysit her kids. I planned her baby showers and am friendly with her friends, including her maid of honour.

She’s getting married soon, DD (3) is her flower girl. Fair enough, I’m not a bridesmaid. I get it, it’s expensive, but I haven’t been invited to her hen either - which lots of people are going to, it’s a bottomless brunch and a night out which we used to do a lot pre-kids.

I am feeling a bit hurt by it. I’m going to keep quiet and just let it go obviously but DH doesn’t get it. I just wanted to voice it because I feel meh. I’m being sensitive aren’t I 😂

It’s her dhs sister.

How do you know who she has invited if you're not involved and MIL changed the subject? Who told you she has invited work people?

If SIL or MOH is discussing these things with you then doesn't that mean they think you are going?

If it's just hearsay, ask her directly. There's no need for you to involve your husband.

The hen do thing is really weird. Is it perhaps that she feels if you go, she has to invite other relatives and doesn’t want to?

If nothing comes from your DH chat with her, I’d text her and ask if you’ve done anything to upset her.

Also when you say DH doesn’t get it - you mean he doesn’t get why she hasn’t invited you? Or why you’re upset?

@Never2many Haven't you read OPs posts? Even the OP makes it obvious this is her husband's sister.

Sounds like my SIL - she was a bridesmaid at mine and her brother’s wedding because we used to do a lot of things together me and her and we were friends. However by the time she got married a year later the relationship had soured and I wasn’t asked to be her bridesmaid. Turns out she was jealous we’d got engaged and married before her despite having been together 3 times longer. Then she was jealous I was pregnant and she wasn’t and now she just completely hates me and her mum/my MIL facilitates it.

I make no effort with her now - I’m civil but we’re not friends and I wouldn’t spit on her if she was on fire. She made her bed, she can lay in it.

Another thought, perhaps her or her friends were planning on doing drugs/cocaine on her hen and doesn't want her DB's sister finding out?

She was your bridesmaid and you aren’t even invited to her hens? I’d be pissed off too. You say you babysit her kids- does she do anything for you ever or is it a one way street with her? I’d ask, and step way way back, and if you know when the hens is work out your reason right now for why you CANNOT AND WILL NOT BABYSIT.

I understand why you are hurt but I think PP are being really overdramatic and getting you riled up!

I get on really well with my SILs & MIL but they weren’t invited to my hen do. Why? Purely dynamics. I wanted a typical messy, silly hen do with my friends and didn’t want to make a tit of myself in front of my new ILs. We played the stupid raunchy games etc. You said yourself you aren’t a party animal.

Perhaps she has something planned for you and MIL. That’s what I did mine. A nice brunch rather than the “proper” hen do. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you or you’ve been snubbed or you know need to make the rest of you (& your families) loves awkward by “being frosty but polite” with her from now on.

As for using you as childcare on the night…presumably her HTB is going to be watching their kids that night so I doubt it’s that.

Thank you everyone - the responses are very kind. Yes, her partner will be watching the kids (I assume!)

DH is meeting MIL today so I’ve asked him to just bring it up and find out the lay of the land, at least then I know. Either way, if I’m not invited then a text to say as much would’ve been appreciated!

She is also really stupid. work colleagues and friends will come and go. Her brother's wife is in her life forever - does she think her work colleague will be helping coordinate her elderly parents care in years to come? I'd probably judge her more for stupidity than anything else.

Ahh yes. Nothing says debauched last night of unmarried life like “people who will coordinate my elderly parents care in years to come”.

Although I would assume, surely, that would be her brother and not OP since it’s HIS parents and not OPs.

I'd lay money that she wants you to babysit. Her DP has probably got plans for the night.

I'd be hurt too, especially if you've shared lots of life events, big and small.

Oh yes! This, definitely.

Don’t do it. Make plans of your own, @Bounty9 - now! This minute!!

She isn’t doing anything wrong by not having you as a bridesmaid. I actually think it’s a bit weird you had her as your bridesmaid, unless you were really good friends with her rather than only knowing her as you were marrying her brother. The bridesmaid role is for the people she is close to, not for the person who married her brother so you’re close through obligation and kids and babysitting. Some in laws become real friends, some don’t. There isn’t anything wrong either either way. So, bridesmaid really shouldn’t be expected.

But the hen do? That’s different. Unless it’s very small with close friends and her closest family only. It’s very strange not to invite a sister in law whom she is close to, just not best mates with. Very odd.

She wants to snog a stranger and she doesn’t want you to tell her brother etc.

let it go, her husband will find out anyway and there will be a drama. You don’t want to be caught up in that do you?

I would find it bizarre if SIL would be assuming you’re going be the guaranteed babysitter. You are not the family Cinderella.

I’m going to assume you have parents or siblings that would step in and babysit for you so why should your SILs kids be of any concern to you? That’s up to them to find their own babysitter.

There’s often theads like this on here and it always surprises me how little some family think of others that have went above and beyond for them but wont invite them to anything fun.

Tbh whilst I think she’s been very discourteous (assuming no mistake or oversight) I think the talk of elder care and sexual/drug debauchery is a bit OTT.

Is your MIL going? Maybe shes organising a separate family one?

Cousins etc invited?

If youve been to bottomless brunches etc b4 it's weird not to ask

Are her friends clickey?

Id def reassess the baby sitting
.....

Honestly this happens more than you think. I wasn’t invited to my future SIL’s hen do but our other SIL was because they had mutual friends and it was an event for friends only and we didn’t know each other that well. I was quite upset about it- I thought it was pretty much a given you invite you husband to be’s sister or husband’s brother’s wives. You certainly don’t invite one and not the other unless you really don’t get on but we got along just fine, just hadn’t had time to develop a close relationship. Events like this are a way of uniting people in the family and everyone getting to know everyone. instead I was asked to babysit my SIL’s children while they went off.

The worst part was at the wedding I was on the top table and as my husband was obviously very preoccupied with family stuff being the best man and I had our 2 young children to monitor I was literally sitting on my own. As I hadn’t met any other people at the wedding party I didn't know how to randomly approach people to chat and none of them approached me sitting alone with the children as they had never met me. Possibly the most awkward wedding I have ever been to.

a few years ago this all came out and the then bride was all ‘I didn’t think’, it didn’t occur to me and my MIL (who I do get on well with) couldn’t remember any of it and was quite sad it had happened.

understandably I have never been super close to either of my SIL after that although we get on ok when we meet.

I'm just here for the update 👀👃

Unlikely, but the other option is that the MoH has massively cocked up the guest list and not included you in error. Everything is booked now. The whole thing is super awkward. No one knows how to resolve it and is hoping that it doesn't kick off.

This is not nice at all! I'm hoping it's a mistake.

Very odd, I’d be upset. Let your H handle it with SIL - I thought it might be maid of honour forgetting you but it seems not. I’d be annoyed too.

Don’t message her. Set your boundaries. Something similar happened to me recently. My partners sister is arranging their young brothers birthday- I was somehow “forgotten” about when I spent the last 2 days with her lol. I was later “invited” but I won’t be attending. Actions speak louder than words. It is disappointing but don’t message asking about it because then she is going to “have” to invite you. Why be in a space with someone who doesn’t want you there.

Christ, was she even old enough to get married?! I just cannot understand how some adults have the mentality of a six year old.