Feeling a bit hurt to be left out of bridal party/hen

[Bounty9]

I have been with DH for 12 years, married for 4. SIL and I have always got along well, had nights out together, afternoon teas, spa days. Admittedly not best of friends, but always friends. She was one of my bridesmaids along with 2 of my closest friends and my sister. We both have children now who have play dates and we babysit her kids. I planned her baby showers and am friendly with her friends, including her maid of honour.

She’s getting married soon, DD (3) is her flower girl. Fair enough, I’m not a bridesmaid. I get it, it’s expensive, but I haven’t been invited to her hen either - which lots of people are going to, it’s a bottomless brunch and a night out which we used to do a lot pre-kids.

I am feeling a bit hurt by it. I’m going to keep quiet and just let it go obviously but DH doesn’t get it. I just wanted to voice it because I feel meh. I’m being sensitive aren’t I 😂

I’d be hurt and I’d really want to know why, but I wouldn’t ask as I can’t think of a tactful way of mentioning it, other than inviting her over for dinner on the day of the Hen Party and see what she replies with

It seems odd you’re not invited though.

Messaging the MoH is a good idea too maybe preferable if you don't want any weirdness with the bride.

Actually, reading back and seeing that you're friendly with the maid of honour, I would message her and ask if I'm invited. The MOH job includes dealing with tricky issues like this in my opinion. And then if it's a communication glitch then you know.

Yes good shout with MoH - I’ll see how far DH gets with it.

Thanks though, it’s nice to know I wasn’t being crazy.

You're completely reasonable in being hurt. Tbh I'd be relieved not to have to do bridesmaid duty but the hen is a night out and it's natural to make it all friends not just your besties.

That’s very strange. I really hope it’s a breakdown in communications rather than a snub.

Get your husband to message her asking what the plans are as you aren't sure. Then you will know

See I would’ve loved to be a bridesmaid, but I love weddings. Also with DD being a flower girl I have no idea how to manage the logistics, but I will figure that out nearer the time! I do get it though, bridesmaid is a big thing.

Thinking back, she didn’t come to my hen do as she was sick - she was a million percent invited though and texted me the day before to cancel. Now I’m thinking it’s something to do with me and hen do’s 😂 I am a very average person and not a party animal, and even less so since having DD. God, it’s enough to drive you insane!

That's really weird. I'm close with my SIL and invited her to my hen, though she didn't come as it wasn't the vibe of our relationship if that makes sense, she doesn't like drinking with family. We talked about it though and she was very welcome!

Very strange. Are you sure she doesn’t assume you’re going?

I think I’d knock everything else you do for her ok the head because it’s always the ones who do the most that get discarded.

I think you need to ask, to avoid future awkwardness. Though it will obviously be super awkward if she says you can't come.

I wouldn’t have expected you to be a bridesmaid if your DD is a flower girl. (I suppose because traditionally bridesmaids weren’t married themselves and would be younger relatives or unmarried friends? But I accept that’s old fashioned.). But - whatever - not to ask you to the hen party seems off if it’s more than just a couple of her close friends. Definitely get your DH to ask his sister (or, at least, his mum) what’s going on.

I would ask DH to message her now.

You mentioned you babysit for her - do you think she is hoping you will babysit on the night?

Leave it to DH to ask her.

@Bounty9 Given everything you've posted about the social things you've done with your SIL, I think you're right to feel hurt. I know I would be. It's odd (even more so given your DD is going to be her flower girl) and I think it's lovely of you not to make a big deal about it, although I think your DH asking his sister to establish what the reason is, is a good idea - at least then you'll know!

OP if you think hard about the relationship up to now has it been balanced or has it been you doing most of the giving and her doing most of the taking?

I'd be hurt too, and also puzzled. Since your DD is a flower girl, you are definitely part of the bridal party. So why not invite you to the hen do? Maybe she just forgot, or maybe she thinks you don't like things like this. If either you or DH can find an opportunity to mention it, perhaps she'll tell you what's going on.

That's so hurtful Op - hopefully it'll just be an oversight by the MOH and you're definitely invited. You need to ask her or get your DH to ask her.

Is it not because you're on the grooms side? The bridesmaids and hen would traditionally be made up of the bride to be's friends and family. Like I didn't invite my mother in law to mine. I had only met her a few times at that point though. Definitely clarify via your husband or the MOH.

She needs you to babysit her kids and is hoping you understand. I’d take take as I felt it. Do I want to go to the hen do, probably not.

I could be wrong here but since she hasn’t asked or explained I would give a firm, NO if she asks just on principle

Yes, have a think about what your answer will be if she asks you to babysit. Don’t be caught unawares!

Your skirting boards are looking a bit dusty you know 👀😁

Love this idea!
Yes, definitely invite her to something on the day/night of her hen.
See what she says to that!

And if it turns out that you’re NOT invited, then take an ALMIGHTY step back from her.

Very strange behaviour from her. I’d ask her straight up if something was wrong?