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Original poster

Feeling a bit hurt to be left out of bridal party/hen

328 replies

Bounty9 · 09/03/2025 21:59

I have been with DH for 12 years, married for 4. SIL and I have always got along well, had nights out together, afternoon teas, spa days. Admittedly not best of friends, but always friends. She was one of my bridesmaids along with 2 of my closest friends and my sister. We both have children now who have play dates and we babysit her kids. I planned her baby showers and am friendly with her friends, including her maid of honour.

She’s getting married soon, DD (3) is her flower girl. Fair enough, I’m not a bridesmaid. I get it, it’s expensive, but I haven’t been invited to her hen either - which lots of people are going to, it’s a bottomless brunch and a night out which we used to do a lot pre-kids.

I am feeling a bit hurt by it. I’m going to keep quiet and just let it go obviously but DH doesn’t get it. I just wanted to voice it because I feel meh. I’m being sensitive aren’t I 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Bounty9 · 10/03/2025 09:08

Thanks everyone. I will just add that she’s a really quiet bookish type so the idea of her getting off with other men or doing cocaine would be hilarious if you knew her 😂

OP posts:
YRGAM · 10/03/2025 09:09

Crabwoman · 10/03/2025 08:45

Unlikely, but the other option is that the MoH has massively cocked up the guest list and not included you in error. Everything is booked now. The whole thing is super awkward. No one knows how to resolve it and is hoping that it doesn't kick off.

I think it will be something like this. The way you've described your relationship you are both closely entwined in each other's lives, and friendly even not considering the children.

IMO the chances you've been deliberately not invited are very small. The only reason would be that she doesn't want stories of the night getting back to your DH but I presume that would be quite out of character for her...

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 10/03/2025 09:10

@Bounty9 you know what they say about it always being "the quiet ones" who you have to watch 😂.

Iceandfire92 · 10/03/2025 09:16

Bounty9 · 10/03/2025 09:08

Thanks everyone. I will just add that she’s a really quiet bookish type so the idea of her getting off with other men or doing cocaine would be hilarious if you knew her 😂

Hahaha it's always the quiet ones! 😂😂😂

Wishimaywishimight · 10/03/2025 09:18

Bounty9 · 10/03/2025 07:57

Thank you everyone - the responses are very kind. Yes, her partner will be watching the kids (I assume!)

DH is meeting MIL today so I’ve asked him to just bring it up and find out the lay of the land, at least then I know. Either way, if I’m not invited then a text to say as much would’ve been appreciated!

You surely don't mean you expect a text saying"by the way, just in case you hadn't noticed, you're not invited to my hen's party"? Of course that's not ever going to happen!

KaySam · 10/03/2025 09:27

if you did get an invite it’s only out of guilt and because she has been asked.
Id not go,find something better to do.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/03/2025 09:32

I also think you've been left out deliberately here and for some banal reason in her head to boot.

Gloriia · 10/03/2025 09:33

This is awful op. Instead of feeling awkward and embarrassed change it to being pissed off. Your dd is a flower girl fgs, the bride was your bm there is surely no reason not to invite you to the hen. If it was 3 women having a massage fine but it's a big do by the sounds of it.

She is being unpleasant and you've every right to ask why on earth you aren't invited.

Whoarethoseguys · 10/03/2025 09:35

I understand why you are upset. Is the hen party just for her people that you don't know and she thinks you would feel uncomfortable and wouldn't know anyone?
If not I don't understand why she hasn't invited you.

BigAnne · 10/03/2025 09:35

@Bounty9 maybe there's just been a breakdown in communication somewhere.

MooFroo · 10/03/2025 09:41

Gloriia · 10/03/2025 09:33

This is awful op. Instead of feeling awkward and embarrassed change it to being pissed off. Your dd is a flower girl fgs, the bride was your bm there is surely no reason not to invite you to the hen. If it was 3 women having a massage fine but it's a big do by the sounds of it.

She is being unpleasant and you've every right to ask why on earth you aren't invited.

Exactly just ask her if she forgot your hen do invite?

life is too short to let this fester!

Onlycoffee · 10/03/2025 09:44

Very odd not being invited to the hen do and I'd definitely be upset.

How does your DH not get it?

It's not unreasonable to want to know why, either, in your situation. It's not like she's a work colleague or random neighbour that could move out of your life at any time, this is family and needs addressing.

StillLifeWithEggs · 10/03/2025 09:46

LucyMonth · 10/03/2025 07:58

She is also really stupid. work colleagues and friends will come and go. Her brother's wife is in her life forever - does she think her work colleague will be helping coordinate her elderly parents care in years to come? I'd probably judge her more for stupidity than anything else.

Ahh yes. Nothing says debauched last night of unmarried life like “people who will coordinate my elderly parents care in years to come”.

Although I would assume, surely, that would be her brother and not OP since it’s HIS parents and not OPs.

Yes, exactly. Why would the OP have any involvement whatsoever in her PIL’s care, far less let it dictate who attends her hen party?

Maybe the OP having her SIL as her bridesmaid muddied the situation here. It’s comparatively unusual to have someone from the groom’s family as a bridesmaid unless you also have a close friendship independent of her being your DH’s sister — and the OP says that they’re ‘friends’ but ‘not the best of friends’, which makes having her as a bridesmaid quite a strange decision, given that she had three others. The SIL is clearly reciprocating the bridesmaid thing by having the OP’s DD as flower girl. Who knows? Maybe she just doesn’t think they’re that close?

Gloriia · 10/03/2025 09:46

There must be a reason, you say you're friends and you babysit each other's kids etc so you'd think you'd be included. I don't want to sound harsh but are you a very self aware and intuitive person generally, good at reading people and situations? The only thing I can think of is she just isn't that keen and having your dd as flowergirl is a kind of token gesture.

Have a think back to to vibe generally when you are together does she ever get irritated or show exasperation?

Even so, whatever the reason a hen invite surely wouldn't have hurt.

MMO · 10/03/2025 09:50

Oh gosh I hope you find out either way. At least then you can decide how much effort to put into the relationship going forward. If she doesn't consider you close enough to invite to the hen do then surely your not close enough to offer help and assistance if needed in the future. I know others may think that's extreme but don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Invest your time and energy where it is reciprocated!

Lourdes12 · 10/03/2025 09:50

Bounty9 · 09/03/2025 22:23

See I would’ve loved to be a bridesmaid, but I love weddings. Also with DD being a flower girl I have no idea how to manage the logistics, but I will figure that out nearer the time! I do get it though, bridesmaid is a big thing.

Thinking back, she didn’t come to my hen do as she was sick - she was a million percent invited though and texted me the day before to cancel. Now I’m thinking it’s something to do with me and hen do’s 😂 I am a very average person and not a party animal, and even less so since having DD. God, it’s enough to drive you insane!

Maybe she wasn’t sick, maybe she didn’t want to go. You said you have a good relationship and do things together, does she invite you or is it you inviting her? Or both?

sweetpickle2 · 10/03/2025 09:50

The bridesmaid thing- I personally wouldn't have anyone as a bridesmaid who I wasn't close to. I find it weird that people have siblings in-law just because they're related to their partner.

The hen do- I'd be a bit hurt too, but whilst I don't necessarily think she's getting off with other people or doing coke, I definitely have different friends some of whom I'd really let my hair down with and some I wouldn't. However in that case I'd probably do a big party hen for those people and then a lunch/afternoon tea with eg my mum and whoever else.

CostcoBuns · 10/03/2025 09:54

You're close and spend a fair amount of time with her but have never asked her about her hen do?
How has this not come up between the two of you?
Why can't you just ask her about it?

Wexone · 10/03/2025 09:54

WilfredsPies · 09/03/2025 23:28

I would chop my texting fingers off rather than message anyone, or getting DH to ask about it. If your MiL was a bit awkward about telling you what the plans were and then changed the subject, then she knows exactly what’s been organised and that you aren’t invited. And MiL is either going along with that, or has suggested that SiL invite you, and that suggestion has been refused.

If you message SiL or the MoH, or get your DH to speak to his family, then any invite is going to be because they’re feeling forced to issue you a last minute invite. And how uncomfortable would you feel in those circumstances? Especially if it’s a night out in town where numbers are not a thing (and even if they were, SiL surely takes priority over random colleagues she hasn’t worked with for months). You’d feel obliged to accept it, after asking about it, and all night, you’d be there knowing you weren’t supposed to be there. And everyone would know, because nobody keeps something like that secret. I can’t imagine a scenario that would make you feel less wanted. Fuck that for a game of soldiers; you’re worth more than a pity invite.

In your shoes, any friendship between us would be done. She’d get icy politeness from me and nothing more. If the cousins want to play, then DH can take them or you can drop them off at MiL’s and she can facilitate it. Logistics of DD being a flower girl is not your problem. Mil or DH can sort it. If she messages you about it, reply ‘Probably best to message DH about it, he and MiL can sort out the logistics between them’. Let’s see if she can work out why you aren’t interested in spending any time with her. If she asks you to babysit, tell her that you’re sorry, but you’re not able to. Don’t give a reason. If she comes up with some weak excuse later on, tell her that it’s fine; you’d initially been very hurt by it as you’d thought that you had a friendship, but you now understand the nature of the relationship between you, you’re over any hurt feelings and you’re happy to leave it at that.

Edited

This 100 percent- we had similar - weren't invited to my now SIL hen party. She didn't come to my own sis hen party two years before but only because she lived in a country that was 14 hour flight away , she was asked though. So when my wedding came around she wasn't invited to my hen party nor afternoon tea i had arranged ( and this time she lived in same town as me ). I then took a step back and didn't offer my services for anything and was polite but short at family events. And to note this girl lived across the road from my home place and had been my brothers girlfriend since he were 15 so part of our lives fro now near on 25 years. Let it go - it hurts i know but true colours have been shown, take a step back and do not be available for baby siting.

AreYouTheFarmer2025 · 10/03/2025 09:55

Maybe she thought it was a given that you'd be there,so wouldn't need an official invite. I'd message her.

Tiredofallthis101 · 10/03/2025 09:56

Hi OP, I think getting DH to ask is the right thing - then at least you know. Hopefully just a mistake that no one knows how to fix as PPs have said.

Tricho · 10/03/2025 09:58

AreYouTheFarmer2025 · 10/03/2025 09:55

Maybe she thought it was a given that you'd be there,so wouldn't need an official invite. I'd message her.

cop out.

You always issue invites.

sherbertcandy · 10/03/2025 09:58

Rather than all this I would just grab the bull by the horns and call her. Just say you know about the hen night and it's really hurt you your not invited and from now on things will be different between you both

pimplebum · 10/03/2025 09:59

Defo get DH to ask if there’s a problem
you’ve not had a fall out and are involved in each others life regularly so it’s v odd

hopefully a mistake ?

CantStopMoving · 10/03/2025 10:07

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/03/2025 09:32

I also think you've been left out deliberately here and for some banal reason in her head to boot.

The reason is probably the same reason I was given that the hen do is for friends only. In my situation I wasn’t a friend, just a same age soon to be close relation, and so they didn’t want to invite me. I would have been ok with that if they hadn’t invited our other SIL who they knew a bit better and who both had mutual friends together so the bride to be thought it made sense to invite her and not me. They literally didn’t think about the optics and how hurtful it was. I am sure in this case it is something similar. Just thoughtlessness.