Feeling a bit hurt to be left out of bridal party/hen

[Bounty9]

I have been with DH for 12 years, married for 4. SIL and I have always got along well, had nights out together, afternoon teas, spa days. Admittedly not best of friends, but always friends. She was one of my bridesmaids along with 2 of my closest friends and my sister. We both have children now who have play dates and we babysit her kids. I planned her baby showers and am friendly with her friends, including her maid of honour.

She’s getting married soon, DD (3) is her flower girl. Fair enough, I’m not a bridesmaid. I get it, it’s expensive, but I haven’t been invited to her hen either - which lots of people are going to, it’s a bottomless brunch and a night out which we used to do a lot pre-kids.

I am feeling a bit hurt by it. I’m going to keep quiet and just let it go obviously but DH doesn’t get it. I just wanted to voice it because I feel meh. I’m being sensitive aren’t I 😂

I remember your previous thread as well.

Whilst you may be friendly with SIL you do mention that things haven't been the same since you both have children. Whilst you think everything has moved forward since the family holiday etc you may well find that there are still undercurrents at play here.

Just ask.

My sister in law (husbands sister) had my other sister in law (her other brothers wife) as a bridesmaid and I wasn't in the wedding party at all. I was so hurt by it and I wish I'd said something at the time.

@Bounty9

I looked at the other thread & think that perhaps you haven't been invited to keep the peace between SIL/MIL. As mother of the bride MIL has to go along & so that means you have probably been excluded to keep her happy.

I had similar things happen with my parents - they tended to favour my brother's children & we were slotted in when they could fit us in. We had a few dramas when my parents tried to come to see us when it inconvenienced my SIL & it caused so much upset that my parents would just say they could only see us at random times.

I think however it's unkind not to include you in a major life event. SIL could have asked you to do something together (spa or nice lunch) to soften the blow.

I remember your thread about the Santa visit with your PILs and your MIL's clear favouritism for your SIL's child.

Your DH's family seem to take you very much for granted so it probably is time for you to pull back.

What do you think it would have achieved, though, really? Same thing happened to me, btw. I said nothing. It wasn't any of my business. Sometimes it's just best to let it go. Let them have the wedding how they want. It doesn't really matter in the long term.

I wouldn't be hurt not to be a bridesmaid - that would have been totally inappropriate since you're married. Matron of Honor, maybe, but only if you were her closest friend.
But not invited to the hen do? That would sting. YANBU.

But wouldnt you be "punishing" BILs for their older sister's behaviour?

I would approach it a different way and message her and say hey, have you thought of what you want to do for hen do plans yet?

She then may reoly re mil issue and explain and offer to do something family wise

If you organised her baby shower, if wouldn't be a strange ques

I get this as I went through something similar, although I was invited to the hen do.

2 years ago my Aunt got married. I say Aunt, but we grew up with her as more of an older sister. She’s 8 years older than me.

At the hen party, I was talking to one of her friends and about what we were wearing when her friend said “oh but you get to wear black as part of the wedding party!” I looked at her very confused and said I’m not part of the wedding party.

Turns out that my sister had been asked. Everybody knew about it apart from me. I was more upset that nobody had told me rather than being asked.

On the day of the wedding I then saw my sister was actually walking her down the aisle, the wedding party were described as her “special people.”

I also then see at the wedding that my Aunts sons girlfriend who she had known for less than 18 months at the time was also part of the wedding party.

It still hurts now to be honest and I wish on these sort of situations people could just be honest and upfront about why you’ve not been included.

We were and I thought still were all very close. I never thought my relationship was any different with her to that of my sisters.

Not a pusher, other family members couldn’t comprehend it either.

Not saying it's the right approach but I wouldn't bring it up - would be mega humiliating unless she genuinely had forgotten to invite you which I think is unlikely.

But I would really cool things off with her and be honest if she notices and asks why.

.

Not really. She is arranging the dinner so it is her event. I don’t want a pity invite. I am not going to compromise my values and boundaries so, my partners brother doesn’t get “upset”. He is a grown man so, I am sure he will be fine. When I was younger and a people pleaser, I would 100% had the same worry about “punishing BIL”. But have done a lot of work on valuing my self.

This is the best approach. She will say yes or no. If she makes any excuses like she thought you were invited by MoH, then either your dh can make a quick remark without showing any emotions eg i am surprised she forgot.. and quickly move on to how's wedding prep going and end the call quickly. This way she would know you both noticed lack of invitation but didn't let that affect you. Then you can decide later if you want to go, you can always make an excuse like she did for your hen.

Any your husband find anything out when he saw your MIL?

That's ok. But would you then expect your SIL to provide free childcare for you?

But why is it op who needs to think about relationship in 5, 10, 20 years? SiL could've given some thought too. It's always the nicer ones told to suck it up for the sake of relationship.

But why would someone tell you that you aren’t in someone’s wedding party? The person who made the remark about you wearing black clearly thought you were. Other people presumably didn’t think it was an issue. I’m not sure I see it as an issue, tbh. The bride was closer to your sister than to you. She invited her son’s girlfriend presumably because she was important to someone who was important to her son, rather than to her.

Can you be certain mil wasn't supposed to invite you?

Because OP cannot control what SIL does. She can only control her own decisions and behaviour. Therefore, for the sake of longer term peace and for her own wellbeing, let it go.

We'll agree to disagree! Most of the family understand the issue. I wish I hadn't posted now - it was for OP.