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Original poster

Feeling a bit hurt to be left out of bridal party/hen

328 replies

Bounty9 · 09/03/2025 21:59

I have been with DH for 12 years, married for 4. SIL and I have always got along well, had nights out together, afternoon teas, spa days. Admittedly not best of friends, but always friends. She was one of my bridesmaids along with 2 of my closest friends and my sister. We both have children now who have play dates and we babysit her kids. I planned her baby showers and am friendly with her friends, including her maid of honour.

She’s getting married soon, DD (3) is her flower girl. Fair enough, I’m not a bridesmaid. I get it, it’s expensive, but I haven’t been invited to her hen either - which lots of people are going to, it’s a bottomless brunch and a night out which we used to do a lot pre-kids.

I am feeling a bit hurt by it. I’m going to keep quiet and just let it go obviously but DH doesn’t get it. I just wanted to voice it because I feel meh. I’m being sensitive aren’t I 😂

OP posts:
sSssssssssssssOOO · 09/03/2025 23:20

PullTheBricksDown · 09/03/2025 22:11

Would your DH message her with something like 'hey, Bounty thinks she's not invited to your hen do so I just wanted to check that was right?'

This seems a good idea.

2021x · 09/03/2025 23:24

Man, this is why I hate weddings, someone always feels left out.

I think you are right not to raise a fuss, but to use the opportunity to get more information about your relationship. Still sad though.

Sometimes peoples politeness is mistaken for geniune connection.

mewkins · 09/03/2025 23:27

Blueblell · 09/03/2025 22:53

You mentioned you babysit for her - do you think she is hoping you will babysit on the night?

That's what I'm thinking.

WilfredsPies · 09/03/2025 23:28

I would chop my texting fingers off rather than message anyone, or getting DH to ask about it. If your MiL was a bit awkward about telling you what the plans were and then changed the subject, then she knows exactly what’s been organised and that you aren’t invited. And MiL is either going along with that, or has suggested that SiL invite you, and that suggestion has been refused.

If you message SiL or the MoH, or get your DH to speak to his family, then any invite is going to be because they’re feeling forced to issue you a last minute invite. And how uncomfortable would you feel in those circumstances? Especially if it’s a night out in town where numbers are not a thing (and even if they were, SiL surely takes priority over random colleagues she hasn’t worked with for months). You’d feel obliged to accept it, after asking about it, and all night, you’d be there knowing you weren’t supposed to be there. And everyone would know, because nobody keeps something like that secret. I can’t imagine a scenario that would make you feel less wanted. Fuck that for a game of soldiers; you’re worth more than a pity invite.

In your shoes, any friendship between us would be done. She’d get icy politeness from me and nothing more. If the cousins want to play, then DH can take them or you can drop them off at MiL’s and she can facilitate it. Logistics of DD being a flower girl is not your problem. Mil or DH can sort it. If she messages you about it, reply ‘Probably best to message DH about it, he and MiL can sort out the logistics between them’. Let’s see if she can work out why you aren’t interested in spending any time with her. If she asks you to babysit, tell her that you’re sorry, but you’re not able to. Don’t give a reason. If she comes up with some weak excuse later on, tell her that it’s fine; you’d initially been very hurt by it as you’d thought that you had a friendship, but you now understand the nature of the relationship between you, you’re over any hurt feelings and you’re happy to leave it at that.

ukgone2pot · 09/03/2025 23:28

I would feel hurt by this OP. I'm so sorry - utterly shitty imho.

NurtureGrow · 09/03/2025 23:37

PullTheBricksDown · 09/03/2025 22:11

Would your DH message her with something like 'hey, Bounty thinks she's not invited to your hen do so I just wanted to check that was right?'

I would do this too, via my dh

Candledrip · 09/03/2025 23:47

WilfredsPies · 09/03/2025 23:28

I would chop my texting fingers off rather than message anyone, or getting DH to ask about it. If your MiL was a bit awkward about telling you what the plans were and then changed the subject, then she knows exactly what’s been organised and that you aren’t invited. And MiL is either going along with that, or has suggested that SiL invite you, and that suggestion has been refused.

If you message SiL or the MoH, or get your DH to speak to his family, then any invite is going to be because they’re feeling forced to issue you a last minute invite. And how uncomfortable would you feel in those circumstances? Especially if it’s a night out in town where numbers are not a thing (and even if they were, SiL surely takes priority over random colleagues she hasn’t worked with for months). You’d feel obliged to accept it, after asking about it, and all night, you’d be there knowing you weren’t supposed to be there. And everyone would know, because nobody keeps something like that secret. I can’t imagine a scenario that would make you feel less wanted. Fuck that for a game of soldiers; you’re worth more than a pity invite.

In your shoes, any friendship between us would be done. She’d get icy politeness from me and nothing more. If the cousins want to play, then DH can take them or you can drop them off at MiL’s and she can facilitate it. Logistics of DD being a flower girl is not your problem. Mil or DH can sort it. If she messages you about it, reply ‘Probably best to message DH about it, he and MiL can sort out the logistics between them’. Let’s see if she can work out why you aren’t interested in spending any time with her. If she asks you to babysit, tell her that you’re sorry, but you’re not able to. Don’t give a reason. If she comes up with some weak excuse later on, tell her that it’s fine; you’d initially been very hurt by it as you’d thought that you had a friendship, but you now understand the nature of the relationship between you, you’re over any hurt feelings and you’re happy to leave it at that.

Edited

This poster has got entirely the right idea

TheodoraCrumpet · 09/03/2025 23:52

I'm with @WilfredsPies . You don't want me, you don't get me, from this day forward.

Zodiaclibra · 09/03/2025 23:56

YANBU at all. You need to ask so you know for certain, then you can decide how to respond. But try not to feel awkward or responsible for the situation OP, it’s of the brides making so she can deal with any awkwardness. Even if you have done something (which I doubt as you’d probably know or have some idea about) she needed to communicate with you or DH about the hen and wedding plans.

Mizzi · 09/03/2025 23:57

WilfredsPies · 09/03/2025 23:28

I would chop my texting fingers off rather than message anyone, or getting DH to ask about it. If your MiL was a bit awkward about telling you what the plans were and then changed the subject, then she knows exactly what’s been organised and that you aren’t invited. And MiL is either going along with that, or has suggested that SiL invite you, and that suggestion has been refused.

If you message SiL or the MoH, or get your DH to speak to his family, then any invite is going to be because they’re feeling forced to issue you a last minute invite. And how uncomfortable would you feel in those circumstances? Especially if it’s a night out in town where numbers are not a thing (and even if they were, SiL surely takes priority over random colleagues she hasn’t worked with for months). You’d feel obliged to accept it, after asking about it, and all night, you’d be there knowing you weren’t supposed to be there. And everyone would know, because nobody keeps something like that secret. I can’t imagine a scenario that would make you feel less wanted. Fuck that for a game of soldiers; you’re worth more than a pity invite.

In your shoes, any friendship between us would be done. She’d get icy politeness from me and nothing more. If the cousins want to play, then DH can take them or you can drop them off at MiL’s and she can facilitate it. Logistics of DD being a flower girl is not your problem. Mil or DH can sort it. If she messages you about it, reply ‘Probably best to message DH about it, he and MiL can sort out the logistics between them’. Let’s see if she can work out why you aren’t interested in spending any time with her. If she asks you to babysit, tell her that you’re sorry, but you’re not able to. Don’t give a reason. If she comes up with some weak excuse later on, tell her that it’s fine; you’d initially been very hurt by it as you’d thought that you had a friendship, but you now understand the nature of the relationship between you, you’re over any hurt feelings and you’re happy to leave it at that.

Edited

Excellent

Mumlaplomb · 10/03/2025 00:03

Ahh OP that’s not very nice and I would back off from her a bit now to be honest. Sometimes despite our best efforts people can be mean. Especially if you organised her baby shower.
Don’t be putting yourself out to help with anything in the run up to the wedding or otherwise and definately don’t be having her kids for her. If she asks I think it’s ok to say you were hurt but the non invite to the hen.

Pallisers · 10/03/2025 00:09

I also agree with Wilfredpies. I wouldn't ask, wouldn't be bothered. She has basically said out loud to you that you are not a friend, not a relative she cares that much about, and not important to her. When people tell you what they think about you listen to them.

I suspect her mother said to her "what about Bounty, are you inviting her" and got told no - for whatever reason. And is now embarrassed about it - but what can she do?

I'm a softie so would probably facilitate the relationship between the cousins but other than that wouldn't have much time for her. She isn't your friend.

She is also really stupid. work colleagues and friends will come and go. Her brother's wife is in her life forever - does she think her work colleague will be helping coordinate her elderly parents care in years to come? I'd probably judge her more for stupidity than anything else.

But it was mean and I would be hurt too.

YouOKHun · 10/03/2025 00:22

The OP reminds me that my SiL (DH’s DS) did similar to me, she came to my hen do, was one of my BMs and later lived with us for three months at some inconvenience and expense. When she got married 18 months after living with us I helped with some wedding prep and my DD was her flower girl, by this time I’d known her 14 years. No invitation to her hen night in London with a group of fairly recent friends but I was invited to be one of those clearing up the wedding venue the day after. My SiL is always very friendly and effusive but this doesn’t cover up the fact she thinks I’m beneath her nearly as well as she thinks it does! When her wealthy friends are around I’m kept very much at arms length. I have to say that I’m fairly ambivalent about weddings so I wasn’t that bothered at the time but I did notice.

LineofTedLasso · 10/03/2025 00:27

WilfredsPies · 09/03/2025 23:28

I would chop my texting fingers off rather than message anyone, or getting DH to ask about it. If your MiL was a bit awkward about telling you what the plans were and then changed the subject, then she knows exactly what’s been organised and that you aren’t invited. And MiL is either going along with that, or has suggested that SiL invite you, and that suggestion has been refused.

If you message SiL or the MoH, or get your DH to speak to his family, then any invite is going to be because they’re feeling forced to issue you a last minute invite. And how uncomfortable would you feel in those circumstances? Especially if it’s a night out in town where numbers are not a thing (and even if they were, SiL surely takes priority over random colleagues she hasn’t worked with for months). You’d feel obliged to accept it, after asking about it, and all night, you’d be there knowing you weren’t supposed to be there. And everyone would know, because nobody keeps something like that secret. I can’t imagine a scenario that would make you feel less wanted. Fuck that for a game of soldiers; you’re worth more than a pity invite.

In your shoes, any friendship between us would be done. She’d get icy politeness from me and nothing more. If the cousins want to play, then DH can take them or you can drop them off at MiL’s and she can facilitate it. Logistics of DD being a flower girl is not your problem. Mil or DH can sort it. If she messages you about it, reply ‘Probably best to message DH about it, he and MiL can sort out the logistics between them’. Let’s see if she can work out why you aren’t interested in spending any time with her. If she asks you to babysit, tell her that you’re sorry, but you’re not able to. Don’t give a reason. If she comes up with some weak excuse later on, tell her that it’s fine; you’d initially been very hurt by it as you’d thought that you had a friendship, but you now understand the nature of the relationship between you, you’re over any hurt feelings and you’re happy to leave it at that.

Edited

100% this

redpepperr · 10/03/2025 00:28

Awww op just red this, I think there has been a misunderstanding and you should be invited- when can your dh ask?

You sound lovely and I think there has been a communication error.

Kittenswhiskers · 10/03/2025 00:47

WilfredsPies · 09/03/2025 23:28

I would chop my texting fingers off rather than message anyone, or getting DH to ask about it. If your MiL was a bit awkward about telling you what the plans were and then changed the subject, then she knows exactly what’s been organised and that you aren’t invited. And MiL is either going along with that, or has suggested that SiL invite you, and that suggestion has been refused.

If you message SiL or the MoH, or get your DH to speak to his family, then any invite is going to be because they’re feeling forced to issue you a last minute invite. And how uncomfortable would you feel in those circumstances? Especially if it’s a night out in town where numbers are not a thing (and even if they were, SiL surely takes priority over random colleagues she hasn’t worked with for months). You’d feel obliged to accept it, after asking about it, and all night, you’d be there knowing you weren’t supposed to be there. And everyone would know, because nobody keeps something like that secret. I can’t imagine a scenario that would make you feel less wanted. Fuck that for a game of soldiers; you’re worth more than a pity invite.

In your shoes, any friendship between us would be done. She’d get icy politeness from me and nothing more. If the cousins want to play, then DH can take them or you can drop them off at MiL’s and she can facilitate it. Logistics of DD being a flower girl is not your problem. Mil or DH can sort it. If she messages you about it, reply ‘Probably best to message DH about it, he and MiL can sort out the logistics between them’. Let’s see if she can work out why you aren’t interested in spending any time with her. If she asks you to babysit, tell her that you’re sorry, but you’re not able to. Don’t give a reason. If she comes up with some weak excuse later on, tell her that it’s fine; you’d initially been very hurt by it as you’d thought that you had a friendship, but you now understand the nature of the relationship between you, you’re over any hurt feelings and you’re happy to leave it at that.

Edited

Agree

Not invited don't go
Not told, don't ask
Late invite,ndont go

BigHeadBertha · 10/03/2025 01:14

Okay, your SIL not asking you to be a bridesmaid might be understandable. But after reading the whole situation here, I agree that she should have taken you aside and given you a short explanation, to save your feelings.

But now you're not even invited to her hen night, while people far less close to her are? That's very hurtful.

Also, I would not allow someone to try to be close to my young child in any way while flat-out snubbing me, which is what she is doing. I wouldn't let her even get started with that BS of splitting off members within your family to be close to while excluding others. It seems she's also, in effect, splitting off your husband, since he "derp derp, just doesn't understand what's wrong." I'd withdraw your daughter from her wedding party, and seriously call your husband out on that deliberate denseness AKA lack of loyalty. For good measure, consider making plans for your family (including husband) to be away for the weekend, and not attending her wedding at all. And perhaps marriage counseling is also in order?

It seems SIL's wedding is bringing out some underlying problems... Please don't accept shabby treatment from your husband and in-laws. If you do, it just gets worse.

Gremlins101 · 10/03/2025 01:23

That's awful, sorry OP. She should have invited you to the hen.

Make sure there hasn't been an oversight.

BettyBardMacDonald · 10/03/2025 01:30

Don't debase yourself by having your husband mention it.

Take this onboard and go LC with her. She's given you plenty of hints.

I'd reconsider the flower girl thing too.

BettyBardMacDonald · 10/03/2025 01:31

Well said, @BigHeadBertha !!

LovelyLeitrim · 10/03/2025 02:14

Very unkind, I’d have to find out why.

Its really odd behaviour abd she risks starting a family rift.

LovelyLeitrim · 10/03/2025 02:17

WilfredsPies · 09/03/2025 23:28

I would chop my texting fingers off rather than message anyone, or getting DH to ask about it. If your MiL was a bit awkward about telling you what the plans were and then changed the subject, then she knows exactly what’s been organised and that you aren’t invited. And MiL is either going along with that, or has suggested that SiL invite you, and that suggestion has been refused.

If you message SiL or the MoH, or get your DH to speak to his family, then any invite is going to be because they’re feeling forced to issue you a last minute invite. And how uncomfortable would you feel in those circumstances? Especially if it’s a night out in town where numbers are not a thing (and even if they were, SiL surely takes priority over random colleagues she hasn’t worked with for months). You’d feel obliged to accept it, after asking about it, and all night, you’d be there knowing you weren’t supposed to be there. And everyone would know, because nobody keeps something like that secret. I can’t imagine a scenario that would make you feel less wanted. Fuck that for a game of soldiers; you’re worth more than a pity invite.

In your shoes, any friendship between us would be done. She’d get icy politeness from me and nothing more. If the cousins want to play, then DH can take them or you can drop them off at MiL’s and she can facilitate it. Logistics of DD being a flower girl is not your problem. Mil or DH can sort it. If she messages you about it, reply ‘Probably best to message DH about it, he and MiL can sort out the logistics between them’. Let’s see if she can work out why you aren’t interested in spending any time with her. If she asks you to babysit, tell her that you’re sorry, but you’re not able to. Don’t give a reason. If she comes up with some weak excuse later on, tell her that it’s fine; you’d initially been very hurt by it as you’d thought that you had a friendship, but you now understand the nature of the relationship between you, you’re over any hurt feelings and you’re happy to leave it at that.

Edited

I retract my first post, this is 100% spot on!

FancyNewt · 10/03/2025 02:20

I think your DH should ask as it's his sister. The problem with not asking is that it may be an error. SIL might think MoH has invited you. Or you ask MIL.

BridgetJonesesOwl · 10/03/2025 02:24

Your SIL is out of order!

Now I don't really click with my SIL but she's a generally nice person so really more for politeness/family cohesion I included her in my hen night.

And guess what with a few drinks in her she totally lightens up & is fun to be around. I'd have never have seen the side of her if I hadn't invited her to my hen do!

coxesorangepippin · 10/03/2025 02:28

Yanbu

Wtf, really

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