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Original poster

Feeling a bit hurt to be left out of bridal party/hen

328 replies

Bounty9 · 09/03/2025 21:59

I have been with DH for 12 years, married for 4. SIL and I have always got along well, had nights out together, afternoon teas, spa days. Admittedly not best of friends, but always friends. She was one of my bridesmaids along with 2 of my closest friends and my sister. We both have children now who have play dates and we babysit her kids. I planned her baby showers and am friendly with her friends, including her maid of honour.

She’s getting married soon, DD (3) is her flower girl. Fair enough, I’m not a bridesmaid. I get it, it’s expensive, but I haven’t been invited to her hen either - which lots of people are going to, it’s a bottomless brunch and a night out which we used to do a lot pre-kids.

I am feeling a bit hurt by it. I’m going to keep quiet and just let it go obviously but DH doesn’t get it. I just wanted to voice it because I feel meh. I’m being sensitive aren’t I 😂

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 10/03/2025 02:29

and we babysit her kids

^

Who's babysitting at the wedding??

( Not you, obviously!)

converseandjeans · 10/03/2025 02:33

YANBU & think you need to find out whether it's an oversight. I could understand if it was a trip abroad for a week. But it sounds quite local & also she has invited work colleagues.

AlwaysTheRenegade · 10/03/2025 04:16

You sound lovely OP. You're not wrong for being hurt and confused. I genuinely can't think what her logic is for not inviting you.
F them all is the only advice I have 😂

Bearhunt468 · 10/03/2025 04:25

Is the stag the same night so they want your DH to go to the stag so need you at home to babysit?

dapsnotplimsolls · 10/03/2025 04:43

I'd be hurt too. Maybe do a bit less babysitting for her.

SunflowerTed · 10/03/2025 04:49

Pallisers · 10/03/2025 00:09

I also agree with Wilfredpies. I wouldn't ask, wouldn't be bothered. She has basically said out loud to you that you are not a friend, not a relative she cares that much about, and not important to her. When people tell you what they think about you listen to them.

I suspect her mother said to her "what about Bounty, are you inviting her" and got told no - for whatever reason. And is now embarrassed about it - but what can she do?

I'm a softie so would probably facilitate the relationship between the cousins but other than that wouldn't have much time for her. She isn't your friend.

She is also really stupid. work colleagues and friends will come and go. Her brother's wife is in her life forever - does she think her work colleague will be helping coordinate her elderly parents care in years to come? I'd probably judge her more for stupidity than anything else.

But it was mean and I would be hurt too.

Excellent response x

SweetBaklava · 10/03/2025 05:33

Wow... definitely time to pull back from this relationship, and no more babysitting!!! Also I would plan something else on the same date as the hen weekend... something fun with your own family, as a distraction.

LittleBigHead · 10/03/2025 05:36

That’s very hurtful. She sounds thoughtless I’d be distancing myself.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/03/2025 06:33

Pallisers · 10/03/2025 00:09

I also agree with Wilfredpies. I wouldn't ask, wouldn't be bothered. She has basically said out loud to you that you are not a friend, not a relative she cares that much about, and not important to her. When people tell you what they think about you listen to them.

I suspect her mother said to her "what about Bounty, are you inviting her" and got told no - for whatever reason. And is now embarrassed about it - but what can she do?

I'm a softie so would probably facilitate the relationship between the cousins but other than that wouldn't have much time for her. She isn't your friend.

She is also really stupid. work colleagues and friends will come and go. Her brother's wife is in her life forever - does she think her work colleague will be helping coordinate her elderly parents care in years to come? I'd probably judge her more for stupidity than anything else.

But it was mean and I would be hurt too.

The elderly care is a really good point. She’s shot herself in the foot here if you’re not invited. It’s mean and rude.

autisticbookworm · 10/03/2025 06:41

I'd be hurt too there's no real reason to leave you out unless maybe you won't know anyone else there and she's worried she will babysit you?

I think your dh asking her directly (without it seeming like it's come from you) is the best way. That way you get an answer (hopefully) but without making things awkward between you both.

SparkyBlue · 10/03/2025 06:46

@WilfredsPies has it spot on.
Also I agree with others I do think they are planning on you babysitting.

pilates · 10/03/2025 06:46

Yes hurtful 😔

Ydkiml · 10/03/2025 06:57

If she has deliberately not invited you , it sounds like she’s Jealous of you about something so she’s trying to exclude you but after the wedding she’ll want you back doing what you do . I’d definitely either ask yourself or ask your husband to ask her .

RareNewt · 10/03/2025 06:57

Shame you've already got plans on that day and you can't babysit the kids. Oh dear what is she going to do....

DetectiveSleuth · 10/03/2025 07:02

I would 100% text her to ‘finalise plans’. At the end of the day, you still don’t have to go, just give a bit of a squeaky bum. She’ll know that you know then and that’ll be cringey 😬

OverthinkingOlive · 10/03/2025 07:11

Very odd

CautiousLurker01 · 10/03/2025 07:17

RareNewt · 10/03/2025 06:57

Shame you've already got plans on that day and you can't babysit the kids. Oh dear what is she going to do....

This would be my plan. I’d book a weekend at centre parcs or similar with my DD (and maybe DH) and when she asks for babysitting I’d be honest - when I realised I wasn’t invited to your hen I was really hurt, so booked a family mini break so that I wouldn’t dwell on being excluded… so no, I am not available now or in the future to provide free childcare. And that includes at the wedding.

Iceandfire92 · 10/03/2025 07:17

Thinking outside the box, perhaps she doesn't want you there because someone is attending that she doesn't want you to go on a night out with for whatever reason? Or she doesn't feel comfortable letting her hair down fully/being herself with her friends around you as you are married to her brother and ultimately could feed things back to him? It's far-fetched but I'm wondering if one of her friends is having an affair or similar or there is something going on with her that you aren't aware about. Perhaps she fancies getting a stripper/chatting up men on her last night of freedom and isn't comfortable doing so around her DB's wife?

The reason I wouldn't want my DP's family at my hen, however much I liked them would be because I would want to fully let my hair down without them being present. I wouldn't want my hen being the subject of family gossip and I would almost feel like I was being watched. Seeing them one on one is different to going out with their friends where they may act entirely different. It's similar to not wanting your MIL/FIL on your stag/hen. She's handled it incredibly rudely though considering she was your actual bridesmaid. I would ask DH to ask her firmly to clarify what is going on.

MellowCritic · 10/03/2025 07:18

You planned her baby shower but you're not best friends and you're not invited to the hen and your husband doesn't get it.. either this is made up or your inlaws including your husband are the biggest bunch of ... who are all these ppl who are way more important then the sil who planned her baby shower ? Seriously I want names!!

WimpoleHat · 10/03/2025 07:19

I also think that @WilfredsPies is talking a lot of sense here. But the one reason for getting your DH to ask and getting a definitive answer is that there can then be no rewriting history when you do cool off the relationship (“she must have deleted the text/her invitation for lost in the post/she should have assumed she was invited - why on earth didn’t she just ask?”). And you’d be surprised how often these things happen when people realise the consequences of their actions (“I didn’t mean it/she’s being so sensitive over something that was a genuine mistake….”). Whereas if your DH gets a “no” or even a “well, she can come if she wants” then it’s clear to all, with no chance of rewriting the narrative a year or so down the line. But it all depends on the existing relationships with all the people involved, which is impossible to judge as an outsider.

Thegreyestate · 10/03/2025 07:22

I'd have to ask her! Please do OP, it will eat you up if you don't.

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 10/03/2025 07:25

@WilfredsPies nails it

Viviennemary · 10/03/2025 07:26

TheChosenTwo · 09/03/2025 22:10

Oh that’s hurtful. I’d never mention it again but also probably never go out of my way to do her a favour again either.
Strange given that you’re friendly with her, it’s pretty much a given that sisters in law are invited to a hen do providing you all get on and that it’s a bigger group thing rather than just eg the bride and her 2 oldest friends kind of thing.
Sorry op, I’d be hurt too but I’d never ever ask where my invite was!

I'd do the same. I certainly wouldn't mention it. But I would withdraw from any kind of friendship.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/03/2025 07:32

I’d ask tbh. But I bet she’s thinking you will babysit. DEFINITELY DONT DO THAT!

Never2many · 10/03/2025 07:42

So she’s about to become part of the family and she’s deliberately excluded you from the hen do? Let’s be honest here, nobody forgets to invite a close family member to something like this.

Sounds to me like she’s staking out her place in the family and deliberately ensuring that you’re excluded.

Clearly the relationship isn’t what you thought it was, or maybe it was until she got her feet under the table.

I wouldn’t ask. I wouldn’t make a fuss, and I would maintain the same relationship you have with the rest of the family.

but I would be wary of her. She wants to push you out so she can be a main part of the family.