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Original poster

Feeling a bit hurt to be left out of bridal party/hen

328 replies

Bounty9 · 09/03/2025 21:59

I have been with DH for 12 years, married for 4. SIL and I have always got along well, had nights out together, afternoon teas, spa days. Admittedly not best of friends, but always friends. She was one of my bridesmaids along with 2 of my closest friends and my sister. We both have children now who have play dates and we babysit her kids. I planned her baby showers and am friendly with her friends, including her maid of honour.

She’s getting married soon, DD (3) is her flower girl. Fair enough, I’m not a bridesmaid. I get it, it’s expensive, but I haven’t been invited to her hen either - which lots of people are going to, it’s a bottomless brunch and a night out which we used to do a lot pre-kids.

I am feeling a bit hurt by it. I’m going to keep quiet and just let it go obviously but DH doesn’t get it. I just wanted to voice it because I feel meh. I’m being sensitive aren’t I 😂

OP posts:
ExcessiveNumberOfNinjas · 10/03/2025 13:05

AreYouTheFarmer2025 · 10/03/2025 12:49

Reminds me of when my "brother" asked me to be a godparent 15 years ago. Obviously I was delighted. He went cold for an unknown reason. Parents very hush hush about it. Wasn't until my nan asked if we were going to the christening. First I had heard of it. We are very low contact now. I do still feel very hurt and I've never received answers so it's very odd.

That sounds to me like he asked you before clearing it fully with his partner and she overruled him but he was too sheepish to admit it.

AreYouTheFarmer2025 · 10/03/2025 13:08

ExcessiveNumberOfNinjas · 10/03/2025 13:05

That sounds to me like he asked you before clearing it fully with his partner and she overruled him but he was too sheepish to admit it.

Show quote history

No they both were there when I was asked.

Bellyblueboy · 10/03/2025 13:10

altmember · 10/03/2025 13:03

I'd play dumb and message her like you know nothing about it: "Have you any ideas what you you'd like to do for your hen night yet? Let me know if you'd like any help organising it." That puts the ball firmly in her court with no awkwardness from you. Be prepared for a response along the lines of 'sorry, but there was a limit on numbers and you didn't make the cut.'

Don’t do this. The brides mother will have told her you know. Your husband is asking. This is passive aggressive and will damage relationships further.

Always take the high road - dignity and self respect. Don’t play silly games and make this wedding about you.

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 10/03/2025 13:13

Bellyblueboy · 10/03/2025 12:47

If this happened to me I would wait until long after the hen do and after the wedding to try and subtly find out why I wasn’t invited. I would take a step back from the SIL, I have too much self respect to go where I am not wanted. I would never fish for an invitation to an event I was clearly excluded from.

yes it’s hurtful - but nothing can change that. If the bride says now oh sorry I forgot to invite you, will you ever believe her?

She mustn’t really like you or value your relationship. She knows this is visible and hurtful and she has done it anyway. When someone shows you how they feel about you, believe them.

This is spot on imo ^

It's hurtful to realise that you're not liked or valued BUT now you know, you can adjust what you do and say accordingly

For example, no more babysitting or helping in any way

DT77 · 10/03/2025 13:24

I find this very odd! Your SIL didn’t forget to invite you, she simply doesn’t want you at her hen party, nothing to do with numbers either! You may never find out the reason why you’ve been left out, so from now on keep your distance and let her come to you… but make sure you’re unavailable for babysitting etc from now on… don’t let your SIL use you.

GreatGardenstuff · 10/03/2025 13:35

If you organised her baby showers it really rude and unkind of her not to invite you to her hen. Particularly if it’s not a small event with few attendees.

Id be inclined to just ask her where/when it is, as you could safely assume that you would be going. Put her one the spot!

BalaconBalonz · 10/03/2025 13:36

I expect she has not asked you so you are free to do the baby sitting on the hen do :) etc

I hope you take immense pleasure in telling her you will be unavailable :)

Bellyblueboy · 10/03/2025 13:44

I am shocked by the number of people who would force themselves into a social event that they haven’t been invited to!

Do people really have no self respect or understanding of basic etiquette.

I can’t imagine forcing my way into my SIL’s hen night. All her fiends looking. At me and whispering about how the bride didn’t want me there.

It’s like something you would see on Eastenders😂.

MILLYmo0se · 10/03/2025 13:48

I can understand the bridal party, she was the grooms sister at your wedding, you are an in-law at hers, it's different.
The hen party is odd, hopefully you discover it's been a mistake as that is hurtful

Layla120 · 10/03/2025 13:57

PullTheBricksDown · 09/03/2025 22:11

Would your DH message her with something like 'hey, Bounty thinks she's not invited to your hen do so I just wanted to check that was right?'

Definitey this. Surely this is a fairly easy thing for him to do...?

commonsense61 · 10/03/2025 13:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MadinMarch · 10/03/2025 14:04

PullTheBricksDown · 09/03/2025 22:11

Would your DH message her with something like 'hey, Bounty thinks she's not invited to your hen do so I just wanted to check that was right?'

This hits just the right note I think.

mewkins · 10/03/2025 14:16

StillLifeWithEggs · 10/03/2025 12:52

Agree with that. @LucyMonth — it’s a situational relationship. I’m fond of two of my SILs, but they’re not people I would have chosen spontaneously as friends. If DH and I divorced, realistically I probably wouldn’t see them again, though would do occasional texts. That doesn’t mean I dislike them, or that the relationship has no value, obviously, it’s just different to my actual friendships.

Show quote history

This would be fair enough, but the woman hasn't chosen a tiny group of her nearest and dearest for her hen party - she's got some randoms from work too so the least she could do is offer a friendly gesture to her SIL who regularly babysits for her kids and organised her baby showers. Crikey.

sweetpickle2 · 10/03/2025 14:19

There's no way I'd invite someone I didn't actually want there to my hen do just to be polite.

DarkMagicStars · 10/03/2025 14:49

Bounty9 · 10/03/2025 11:59

I think I only hesitate as I don't really want to message her and say 'hiya, your mum mentioned you're doing a bottomless brunch for the hen, that sounds fun! What's the time/date so I can stick it in my diary?' and then she messages back 'oh yeah sorry, you aren't invited' because that will hurt, I can't lie.

At least at the moment I'm kind of still erring on the side of oh maybe she's forgotten.. I just thought if DH could drop it into conversation someone might say oh crap, Bounty hasn't been invited! But then maybe I'm just being a bit stupid, as I definitely did that when I mentioned it to MIL 2 weeks ago.

A couple of weeks ago someone on here messaged their family looking for their wedding invite and they replied back that they weren’t invited.
I would keep a dignified silence for now.

Evanted76 · 10/03/2025 14:50

You could pretend that you haven't already had that conversation with your MIL and speak to her playing dumb and put forward some suggestions for the hen do. Watch her face carefully. If your invite has been lost in the post or there's been a strange thing happen with your invite, then you will find out. If she's squirming, then you were never invited.

Bournetilly · 10/03/2025 14:52

I would be upset. Definitely get your DH to ask, it seems strange you haven’t been invited.

AreYouTheFarmer2025 · 10/03/2025 14:53

sweetpickle2 · 10/03/2025 14:19

There's no way I'd invite someone I didn't actually want there to my hen do just to be polite.

Even if by doing so would make things very awkward in future? Especially when it comes to babysitting etc?

sweetpickle2 · 10/03/2025 14:56

AreYouTheFarmer2025 · 10/03/2025 14:53

Even if by doing so would make things very awkward in future? Especially when it comes to babysitting etc?

Show quote history

If the OP decides she's going to stop babysitting because of this then that's fair enough but I as the bride wouldn't invite someone I didn't want to my hen for under any circumstances, and certainly not just for awkwardness.

ChinaChina · 10/03/2025 15:01

She probably thinks of you as a nice SIL but not as a mate.

Praying4Peace · 10/03/2025 15:14

Yes, I'd be very hurt too

melonalone · 10/03/2025 15:19

Bounty9 · 10/03/2025 11:59

I think I only hesitate as I don't really want to message her and say 'hiya, your mum mentioned you're doing a bottomless brunch for the hen, that sounds fun! What's the time/date so I can stick it in my diary?' and then she messages back 'oh yeah sorry, you aren't invited' because that will hurt, I can't lie.

At least at the moment I'm kind of still erring on the side of oh maybe she's forgotten.. I just thought if DH could drop it into conversation someone might say oh crap, Bounty hasn't been invited! But then maybe I'm just being a bit stupid, as I definitely did that when I mentioned it to MIL 2 weeks ago.

I think this is really unfair to do - what if she’s embarrassed so she gives you the details but she actually didn’t want you there? I don’t think you can demand an invite or an explanation. I totally get why it’s hurtful but I would think twice before poking the hornets nest - if you push for an answer and get one you don’t like, there isn’t really any way back.

Feliciacat · 10/03/2025 15:19

It sounds like you’ve fully embraced her but the feeling isn’t mutual. You sound lovely and actually very well-balanced so I’d doubt you’d done anything awful. I agree with other posters that maybe your relationship is just situational to her. That seems like the least offensive explanation (though I’d be very hurt in your shoes).

I think asking DH to ask her is a risky idea but it’s probably what I’d do because it would eat away at me to not know for sure what was up. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

melonalone · 10/03/2025 15:20

Maybe you’re friendly but not friends?

melonalone · 10/03/2025 15:23

Also maybe the group all know each other and having you there would change the dynamic. I have lots of great friends that I love but wouldn’t mix together!

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