Feeling a bit hurt to be left out of bridal party/hen

[Bounty9]

I have been with DH for 12 years, married for 4. SIL and I have always got along well, had nights out together, afternoon teas, spa days. Admittedly not best of friends, but always friends. She was one of my bridesmaids along with 2 of my closest friends and my sister. We both have children now who have play dates and we babysit her kids. I planned her baby showers and am friendly with her friends, including her maid of honour.

She’s getting married soon, DD (3) is her flower girl. Fair enough, I’m not a bridesmaid. I get it, it’s expensive, but I haven’t been invited to her hen either - which lots of people are going to, it’s a bottomless brunch and a night out which we used to do a lot pre-kids.

I am feeling a bit hurt by it. I’m going to keep quiet and just let it go obviously but DH doesn’t get it. I just wanted to voice it because I feel meh. I’m being sensitive aren’t I 😂

fair enough but you potentially will be seeing your SIL for the rest of your life so you risk causing a bit of family upset. Hen dos are about bringing both sides of the family together and your friends for a fun night out to mark you last day-ish of being single - it was never just a party with your mates. You can do that anytime.

"Hen dos are about bringing both sides of the family together"

I don't know anyone who thinks this. Most hen dos are just very close friends of the bride.

Now I’m thinking I’ve offended her 😂 but she’s been texting me about other things so I don’t think I have!

Would these "other things" involve you doing stuff for her by any chance?

Idk if you've had nights out, spa days & afternoon tea together it sounds as if you get on well enough.

Would you know only her?

It might be a genuine mistake. I was once organising a similar event and somehow one person didn’t get added to the group despite me definitely clicking their name. It just so happens I had mentioned the guest list to a friend who spotted this person wasn’t in the group after some time and messaged me privately. I was mortified! Had they not mentioned it I would never have guessed this happened and just assumed they were declining with silence like some do! MIL might have been acting normal but you perceived as awkward due to your feelings.

It sounds really unkind to not have invited you under the circumstances. I'm sorry, that does rather suck.

My SIL (brothers wife) didn’t invite me & my sister to her hen weekend. Just a cottage with extra rooms.

We have also gotten on, inclduded her in family things and tried to have a relationship. Unfortunately this was a final straw and now I make zero effort. She doesn’t care, doesn’t see us as family so why should I.

I never said anything but have kept my distance since. Unfortunately not all in laws are close, this is my first in law that I’m not close with so I just found it all strange that she didn’t want a close relationship.

hopefully it was an oversight but I wouldn’t say anything, I wouldn’t want a pity invite.

I wouldn't do this

OP, in your shoes, I would also be hurt. But, I think best to rise above it, maintain your dignity and don't give anyone the chance to gossip about it

"Hen dos are about bringing both sides of the family together"

Not in my circles it isn't.

I can see everyone’s split into either man up and message her, or ignore this and never mention it again camp.

I am definitely not going to cause WW3 over a hen do, we spend too much time together to do that. We’ve had many a night out pre-kids, and we did a Christmassy trip with dinner back in December. I guess looking back I am the instigator though..I am the one that says ooh this looks good, shall we go? But she’s always been excited and up for it…. Or has she?! 😂 she doesn’t have sisters and used to say how lovely it was to have another female to do things like that with.

I know her friends pretty well, we mingle at DDs cousins birthday parties and I spoke to them a fair bit when I was planning her baby showers (which she asked me to do), I thought we were all like minded people 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think the worst part of all of this is coming to the realisation that maybe she actually doesn’t like me that much and has been putting up with me this whole time/I’ve been convenient.

Anyway, talking about it on here has been really cathartic as when I mention it to DH he looks puzzled as to why it would even bother me in the first place.

I think rather than put anyone in an awkward position and receive some sort of pity invite I’m going to take a few steps back and just let her come to me if she wants to do things… and focus on how lovely it’s going to be seeing DD be a flower girl.

Op I remember your nativity play thread about favouritism for your SIL’s child

and there had been a massive barmy in the summer with with SIL

so it goes some way to explaining why you’re not invited surely

@Madewithchilli you’ll remember on that thread that SIL and I have never had problems and that was very much a MIL issue 🤣

But actually @Madewithchilli a good reminder that I put a lot of effort into DHs family and maybe it’s time for me to draw back a bit.

Not quite op

there had been a massive barmy on holiday but bridges had been repaired but you’d never been as close to SIL or mil since then

Looks like SIL is drawing back from you too
so yes, seems sensible

Well surely there's your reason op, it's not such a mystery afterall is it.

I'd definitely be stepping back if I was in your shoes 😔

I think ye are not friends and she has been accepting your invitations out of curtesy.
She shouldn’t ‘have’ to invite anyone to her hen night. I think you have been a bit slow in getting the hint, sorry.

Not where I'm from. Hen dos here generally involve the female family members of both bride and groom. It's also common to maybe have two hens - especially if one of them is going to be abroad or a weekend away somewhere.

The involve the female family members IF they get on well with them

Do the others on the hen all socialise as a group?

Are any other family members going to the hen (your MIL, any similar aged cousins)? If no to this, maybe she sees you as being in the family camp and wants to celebrate separately with friends and family - or maybe her mum or MIL are keen to go to the hen and the only way she can fend them off is to say it's for friends, not family

If it's neither of these and she just doesn't see you as a friend, I see why you'd be hurt and choose to pull back (especially as what you describe sounds like what most people would consider a good friendship!) but doesn't mean it's her fault or CF behaviour. Different people define friendship differently

Ouch ! Although at least they know

I can understand why you're hurt OP. Can I ask if you have much in common other than being SILs? For example are you a spa day and afternoon tea kind of girl while she's a cocktails and giant willy shaped balloons person? She might think you'd be embarrassed or judge her. Just a thought.

Honestly....no not really. If a woman is invited to the wedding she's generally invited to the hen. My sister invited future mother in law and she REALLY didn't get on with her. But it's seen as the done thing. But hens here are traditionally seen as an extension of the wedding.

Oh if there has been a falling out, has she taken her Mum's side?

Will MIL be at the hen do?

This is awful. It's one thing to say 'maybe you see it as more of a friendship than you do' but from this update she comes across as a massive user. OK to be friendly when she wants you for babysitting / organising her baby shower but not good enough to invite you to her hen party. That's really poor behaviour.