Feeling a bit hurt to be left out of bridal party/hen

[Bounty9]

I have been with DH for 12 years, married for 4. SIL and I have always got along well, had nights out together, afternoon teas, spa days. Admittedly not best of friends, but always friends. She was one of my bridesmaids along with 2 of my closest friends and my sister. We both have children now who have play dates and we babysit her kids. I planned her baby showers and am friendly with her friends, including her maid of honour.

She’s getting married soon, DD (3) is her flower girl. Fair enough, I’m not a bridesmaid. I get it, it’s expensive, but I haven’t been invited to her hen either - which lots of people are going to, it’s a bottomless brunch and a night out which we used to do a lot pre-kids.

I am feeling a bit hurt by it. I’m going to keep quiet and just let it go obviously but DH doesn’t get it. I just wanted to voice it because I feel meh. I’m being sensitive aren’t I 😂

Given you've socialised as friends in the past, I think its so odd that you haven't been invited that I'd have to ask.

Hey X,

MIL mentioned you were doing a bottomless brunch on X date for your hen do. I've not been invited e.g. via MOH so just wanted to check whether the invite is in the post? Could you please
let me know by Wednesday as a friend has asked about doing something that weekend and I want to make sure I don't double book.

^You could add something like no problem if not/sorry to sound presumptuous.^

But I think I'd be tempted to let it hang so that she knows when I havent got time for her in future that this is why and I haven't led her to believe I don't care.

@Bounty9 reading your updates I think it's far more likely that you are so expected to go that everyone thinks everyone else has asked you. So MOH assumes bride will have and vice versa.

I'd ask straight up. It won't be any less awkward if you're not invited and you spend the rest of forever wondering why.

Possibly
but given not been asked to be bridesmaid either, less likely

I meant to quote @harijes

Possibly
but given not been asked to be bridesmaid either, less likely

Maybe the invite got lost in post. I would write to say something like :

'Hi.....
I'm very sad I'm not included in you hen night, but you must have your reasons. In any event, I wish you a happy day and all the best'. This might embarrass her

@Madewithchilli the bridesmaid thing is less weird to me, child being included instead.

But the hen do, that makes no sense to me. Must be a mix up.

It's so expected that you'd be there that even if she didn't want to invite you she'd still have to!

The bridesmaid thing wouldn't bother me as much. With numbers and all the costs that come with it, and matching up the groomsmen etc.
Although if she was having an outrageous number of bridesmaids I might be back to asking questions 😁

I agree

however PP was suggesting that absolutely so expected the OP would be there that no need for an Invite

hence my response

I've just refreshed myself of your centreparcs / paris row thread OP

"Myself, SIL and MIL were all really close and spent a lot of time together. Unfortunately having children has completely changed this dynamic and I have to try and come to terms with the fact we won’t ever get back there, especially now."

Feels like they came away from the centreparcs debacle feeling the same and this is the first time its really manifested.

There will be residual bad blood after the paris row, you've acknowledged it yourself

I would ask her directly. Take no notice of anything MIL has said.
I know you get on well with SIL. From your description of her maybe she’s overwhelmed by the whole hen/wedding thing.
Also know you love weddings but I think it is far better your DD being bridesmaid. She will love it.
Weddings are a one-day wonder. Enjoy your relationship with your SIL, and the day itself with your daughter and DH.
From your previous posts, though, it’s probably time to keep holidays to your DH and DD. Your MIL still
sounds like a nightmare!

It’ll embarrass the OP, never mind the SiL. It’s making me feel a bit mortified and I’m just a random on the internet.

reading your updates I think it's far more likely that you are so expected to go that everyone thinks everyone else has asked you. So MOH assumes bride will have and vice versa But hens don’t tend to work like that, do they? Bride gives MoH a list of names & phone numbers and MoH contacts everyone with the details. If bride wants to contact someone herself, she’d know that she hadn’t asked the OP. And MiL was obviously aware the OP wasn’t invited or she wouldn’t have been awkward about telling her the details.

Yes, it would probably be interesting to know why she had chosen not to invite the OP, but even if she asks her outright, there’s only a tiny chance the SiL would be honest and ‘I’m just not that keen on you’ or ‘you’ve really been irritating me recently’. She’s far more likely to get some pathetic excuse about numbers etc, both of them would know it’s a lie and the OP loses all dignity. If she just fucks her off and withdraws, she keeps her dignity.

The OPs thread history sheds a lot of light on relationship up to this point

.

Yes I wonder why people don't nc?
Op I'd ask for this to be removed, it must be very identifiable what with your dd being flower girl etc and your posting history does contain information that I'd guess your dh wouldn't want to be common knowledge if anyone irl spots you..

I haven’t read them, but got the basic idea from other posters. You’re really making a big statement by not inviting someone that close in the family to your hen do though. So if they’ve made up, as the OP says, it would be undoing all of that work to repair their relationship. That’s a big statement, which is why I think a very firm withdrawal and a very firm ‘bollocks to it’ is the best course of action.

That is just one website.Another one says just the brides close friends. Both my daughters just had about 8 close friends and their sister. Nobody from the other side. Not me or future MIL. Most of my daughter’s friends did similar.

That would hurt me, I admire the way you are accepting it and not turning it into an issue. I would do the same as this is the most dignified and mature way of handling the situation but it must sting

Any updates OP? Did your DH do any digging? Hope it’s just a misunderstanding.

I'd send a really friendly message just saying ' looks like you have a fab hen do organised, have fun😁 let me know if you need anything doing for the wedding xx'
The ball is in her court then, you'll soon have your answer, one way or another without losing face.

If you meet up weekly I’m surprised the hen hasn’t been mentioned. It does seem like it is probably just more for friends and not family.

Let's face it, if your SIL wanted you there, you'd have been invited. She clearly doesn't view your relationship the same way as you do. Sorry, OP.

And, I do get how you're feeling. I wasn't invited to my SIL's hen do either. No idea why. It's just never been discussed.